Oh so sweet

"Why do you need to spend most of your time reading books?you read, you understand, you apply those things you've read. 30% reading, other 70% is for understanding and applying what you have read. Find a life. You will regret it when you are old enough to have a grandchildren. Learn for your own knowledge and not for exams. Read a lot of book and you will be stressed out. Then you will find yourself smoking cracks, valium(diazepam)....etc..."
Posted by: c4n01 | Sep 7, 2006 2:22:51 AM

Dear M@x.. Sometimes people do read because it's their vocation. They love reading books and they by no means would regret when they're old because they probably have too much knowledge to be kept in their heart and mind. Your statement 'Learn for your own knowledge and not for exams' sounds quite contradicting though. If they love reading, that's because they fond of gaining new knowledge and information, not because they like sitting for exams. Perhaps, what you say is only applicable to yourself. And I'm not blaming you whatsoever but try to bare in mind that people do have difference views on things and maybe you have your own reasons and your tough standings over what you have said but it would be better if you could potray your words in a better manner.

You know what, M@x? Sometimes, I do miss you like hell. Because I miss having all those stupid running-ins and falling-outs with you and feel sorry for each other at the end of the day. Please darl, help me bluff my way out of this nonsense. I love myself more than you. And by the way, you might want to change your nick and get a new one. You must have been seing 'one' I presume. Or maybe you love it so much?? Oh and I'm not regretting for being 'just me', and within your rights, you may decline my request. And I believe she's got beutiful and gorgeous cousins. I know you love them as much as she does. Don't forget the invitation card ok sweetheart? Take care :)

Being An Economist

Saya berasa sungguh bahagia pada pagi ini. Ha ha..

You know what.. Last night, I had a dream. And it was the most bahagia dream I’ve ever had and the most ridiculous one as well. It was very brief though enough to put me in a daydream for the whole day. Ha ha..

I’m not sure when it happened i.e what year, how old I was but one thing for sure, I was married. Funny, I know. All I remember is, I was in a Selfridges store and I went like ‘Shoot! What am I doing here?!’. I was browsing around, looking for something to buy. And then I saw a handbag with a ludicrous price tag. It said something like 4++ pounds and believe it or not, I took the bag!! I was like ‘Hellooo??? Sejak bile aku beli barang2 mcm ni and sejak bile aku jadik kaye raye ni?’ but I ignored that distracting thought. After paying for that cutthroat price, I called my husband to pick me up. Macho gak ar suare my husband tu. Haha.. So I waited outside the store and not long after that, I saw a brand new merce coming along. Smart gile tak bleh blar!! But darn(!), it wasn’t a beemer. And I walked to the car and went in. And there was my husband… a very handsome drop-dead gorgeous mat salleh guy!!! Ha ha ha ha.. Bangang gile. He had just fetched my SON (???!!!) from his school. I was like ‘Hellooo? Where am I? And who am I?’. Bangang gile kan? Bangun2 je terus gelak sorang2. Hahaha.. Tapi best jugak mimpi bende2 bengong once in a while. He he.. And seriously, it was sooooo different to live in a luxurious life style and also being a mother. Bengong tp best jugak ar ;p

Ok, enough crap. I’m going to be an economist for another 9 days. I know it’s going to be a long week but I’ll be ok I guess. After my econs paper is done, I need to start on the bangsawan stuff and hone my photography and picture-editing skills. I need to distract my mind from the homesickness syndrome and be patient for just ONE more month before I enjoy my long break. Sigh.. really can’t wait for that. Ok, gottago. I have econs class in a bit :) Ta~

Dear Bro

Pi,

I’m sure you’re now busy getting yourself ready for solat Aidilfitri and preparing anything that you should do to celebrate the eid, the first one without family. It’s not your first time celebrating raya in overseas right? Well, it is the first time in Ireland but the time we had at Cheetham Hill sure taught you a lot how to survive and be more independent. But I know how you must be feeling to be miles away and be apart from all of us. And we do feel as if something is missing too and that is you. Being my last time to celebrate raya with family before several years to come, I tried to enjoy myself as much as I could because I know, I’m gonna miss these moments later.

Diorang sume tido rumah so you can imagine how hectic it was!! But it was fun though kemas rumah ramai2, gelak2, reminiscing the old times. I told them about the ‘budak nakal’ and they laughed their heads off! Haha.. Na bgtau pasal pi burst tengok gambar raya haji and would definitely do the same thing when you look at the gambar raya puasa pulak. Hehe.. @nid bgtau pasal the ‘emotional stint’ and other things about you. We felt as if you were there too. The salam-bersalaman part was absolutely incomplete without you and your laughter and your voice kept ringing in our ears. Those kiddos dah besar. N@zm3 dah makin eksyen skrg. Hehe.. @id@ dah bleh berlari2an. 3ff@ dah pandai bergelak ketawa. I'm sure they miss their P@k Pi too :)

Tomorrow we’ll be pulling off to Mu@r beramai2 jumpa tok baah, al0ng and p@k m@n sume. I’m sure we’re going to have a splendid moment there but of course, everything would be merrier with your presence. I wonder when we could gather as a whole family again after 12 years of being incomplete. I kept on reminding myself to build up my strength and serenity within me so that I could be strong and tough when my time arrives. I hate myself being too emotional and moving but I think we both just inherit that trait from Mum. Hehe.. I know you wouldn’t be reading this anyhow but I know you could feel from afar the feelings I had inside. One thing that I noticed we both have in common is the inability to be open to each other. I know I couldn’t be as ease as @nid could but I guess that’s the unique part of it. Since abang @mir is home for good now, it would be ‘our’ time and responsible to keep the tradition moving and I hope I could survive there with your guidance and support, insyaAllah. Lastly, enjoy your time there. Miss us, but be strong for the poignancy you’re gonna have inside. Sorry for any mistakes that I have done and always be as strong as ever.

Miss and love you always..

From: The whole family, Malaysia

SALAM AIDILFITRI, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN

The Blue Sky

I’m done with my chem. paper 4. I was told last night that the only topic that was going to be in was organic but it turned out to be equilibria for the first question. Several minutes before I walked off to the hall, I had this strong feeling that equilibria would come out and yep, my instincts did a good job :) At least I got to revise something. And alhamdulillah, I think I answered it well though there were some tough ones. Well, it’s just an internal exam after all. No need to worry that much ;p

A friend of mine kind of blamed me for telling her that organic was the only topic to come out. She was quite pissed off because she didn’t really prepare for equilibria. Well, I came to think; were I to be blamed? Was it my fault? I mean, come on, she’s big enough to deal with this kind of situation isn’t she? Well, I hope she is. And let’s say if the paper only consisted of organic questions and I happened not to tell her about that, I’m sure she’s going to blame me too for not telling her. Sometimes, I do feel ticked off with all those smarty-pants especially when it comes to stuff like “I WANT TO GET AN A!! I CANNOT GET OTHER THAN A!! I DESERVE THE BEST”. Hellloooo???? Sape tanak dapat A? But do you really need to yell that around? That really winds me up. Sometimes I wonder if that is how an intelligent and brilliant student should act. Or perhaps it was only me who was too dumb to accept that kind of action.

But anyways, it’s already 24th Ramadhan. God knows how fast the time flies. I’m a bit frustrated though for not having the chance to fast and do tarawikh at home. I know this is not the first time fasting in college but this is the first time fasting a whole month in college. Well, approximately laa. By the time I get back home this Friday, it’s already the 28th day. I just can’t wait to go back home. And thinking about next year, this might be my last time fasting in Malaysia before the next several years. I’m gonna miss everything once I’m away :(

I couldn’t sleep last night. Thinking about someone. I wanted to send him a raya card but the postal service in college is quite bad so I don’t feel encouraged to send anyone a card. Apatah lagi nak mengepos duit raya ke clayton. Haha.. [don’t worry izy, you still have another 4 years there ;p I might save the best card and duit raye for the last year. Hehe..]. Everything conjured up images of him. It’s not actually him that all I cared about; it’s just something that I myself was not really sure. Haha.. I know it has been like 3 years now but I still couldn’t let everything go. And that is my biggest flaw; very hard to let things go and often be affecting and melancholic over inane things like this. He never understood how I treasured our friendship so much. All he always thought about is himself and never considered other people’s feelings. And at the end of the day, he always blamed other people for not being understanding. I’m not trying to bold out his weaknesses whatsoever. I just hope I could change him in a better way. But yea, perhaps N@dia is the best person for that. I pray she is. Talking about this, I sms-ed @|i+t yesterday in hoping he would reply but only to find out he’s changed the number. And I also found out that he’s deleted his friendster account as well. Ngehehe.. I’ve thought so. The only remaining fellows are Afar and F3r0z. Semoga berbahgie ye korang :) Sheesh.. how I miss the good old days..

Nevertheless, I received one special visitor today. What a small world la encik. Haha.. Well, I’ve been involving with this cyberworld since I was 12. And at that time, I often wasted my time in mIRC, one of the most famous chatrooms back then. And my favourite channel at that time was #e-kuiz. The bot [lebeyh kurang macam operator channel tu la] would give out questions to the chatter and we need to compete amongst ourselves to collect as many score as possible. I wasn’t sure what we are competing for [maybe just for the self-satisfaction] but it was fun. The funny part was, aku sanggup stay up or even bangun pukul 3-5 pagi just to collect score sebab mase tu kurang orang, orang tido so bleh conquer sorang2. Haha bengong. Tapi best ar. It was not that time-wasting actually. I gained quite a lot of new knowledge from that. And I still remember my rivals back then. Whenever they were around, I seldom got a chance to show off my skill. Hehe.. And one of them was encik karlbum. He was one of the sifus and I hardly got myself even 1 score when he logged in. Orang2 hebat yang lain adalah seperti vasco_abdussalam [who was coincidentally abg amir’s friend in Manchester], bro gIgGzMo a.k.a abg din, amer, airmood, ira_shakira [who was also abg amir’s friend in Bath. Kecik kan dunia? Oh, she was around during abg amir’s wedding. Tak sangka betul. Hehe..], kak ila, corduroy and ramai la!! Syok gile zaman2 kegemilangan dulu. Haha.. Kalau time puasa, balik2 tarawikh je mesti trus duk depan computer. Kadang2 tak pegi tarawikh pun sebab nak kumpul score. Bengong betul. Haha.. But it was really fun laa. I really miss those times :) And then, haritu, I was googling ‘photography class’ [at least I’m not googling people’s names. Heh.. Yeah, I’m thinking of going for a photography course this semester break but haven’t found any yet..] and kebetulan his blog was in the search list. Riang betul saya. Hehe.. What a small world indeed..

Now, I really miss everyone :( My friends, my teachers in Langkawi, Cheetham Hill and Daresbury Street people, e-kuizian peeps, the four blokes, my cousins and sedara mara, my brothers, and of course my family back home. Help me get out from here!!

I looked up at the sky,
Feeling the breeze brushing on my face,
Counting the clouds,
Painting our names,
Searching for the rainbow,
Singing along with the birds,
I could sense you beside,
I could see us together as one,
I could see your smile,
I could hear your laughter,
How I hoped the day would never come to an end,
But when the thunder clapped,
Everything was gone,
The bright light faded away,
It was just a pie in the sky..

The Reverie

There was one moment
A moment of myself
Thinking
Perceiving
Understanding
Contemplating
Reflecting
Gazing at my navel
In search of the truth
To find myself
Getting hold of the deceiving authenticity
What actually do I want?
What actually am I looking for?
Where am I heading?
Which route should I take?
Shooting inquiries at myself to be alive
Until it dawned on me
This is what I live and breathe
But now I wonder
If I could find and get my bearings
After a long deep trance

Dad O Dad

This is really cute. I mean, the video, though a bit funny. Heh.. Yea yea, the daddy is cute too. Ha ha.. I've always thought that he's a very cool and lovely father of three cute little kiddos.. Ahmad mesti dah besar dengan chumel dan machonye. Heh.. I wonder when is he getting... Well, he knows when.

Of being repentant

Harini dah masuk 17 Ramadhan. Tinggal beberapa hari je lagi. Sekejap. Sangat sekejap. Kalau aku tak tido selama 30 hari pada bulan Ramadhan pun, masih banyak dosa lagi yg perlu aku insafi. Tapi masalahnye, aku bukanlah robot. Dah 17 hari puasa pun, dah dapat rasa pemergian Ramadhan tak lama lagi. Sedih. Tapi daripada bersedihan, lebih baik 'enjoy' masa yang masih ada ni kan..

Alhamdulillah, life ok je. Internal exam is around the corner. Cuti raya pun is around the corner jugak. Ha ha..

Aku tak pasti apa main theme aku hari ni. Saja nak ramble kat blog yang bohsan ni. Aku dah lama tak jenguk tok rimau dengan pakcik naga yang macho. Rindu jugak kat lawak pandai diorang tu.

Baru2 ni, ada orang bagitau pasal satu blog yg menarik! Mula2 tengok url macam scary mary je. Tapi bila dah baca, subhanallah. Sangat banyak ilmu baru yang aku dapat. Gaya penulisan pun kewl and sempoi yet very punchy in a way. Rasa macam bersyukur sebab ditemukan dengan seorang lagi blogger yang menarik. Kadang2 terfikir balik, selama 22bulan berblog ni, pernah ke aku tulis at least satu post yang macam bro hamka tulis. Mungkin masih belum layak sebab ilmu yang aku ada masih dan tersangatlah ceteknya. Aku ingat lagi ustad h@$riz@l pernah cakap dulu, "Saya minta maaf sebab mencuri umur anda selama 2 jam ni [ustad bagi ceramah pasal palestine]. Saya harap 2 jam umur anda ni tak sia2". OUCH la jugak senornye. Sebab selama aku hidup 19 tahun, berapa banyak sangat la umur aku dihabiskan untuk perkara2 yang tak sia2.

Hari tu aku ter'straight forward' dengan y@y@. Rasa malu and bodoh la jugak senornye. Aku terbagitau pasal 'perubahan' aku secara tiba2 last year. Perubahan yang baik, tapi aku tak pasti apa tujuan aku berubah tu. Adakah ikhlas semata2 kerana Allah, atau kerana ingin menjadi lebih baik untuk orang lain. Aku dengan confidentnye cakap kat y@y@ "Dulu ada si dia, sebab tu rajin pegi surau. Kalau jemaah subuh tu, insyaAllah tak pernah tinggal laa [bukan riak ye..]". Air muka y@y@ terus berubah. "Wow.. sampai macam tu sekali?". Aku terasa bodoh dan malu. Bengong betul pergi cakap macam tu. Ha ha..

Tapi sekarang, dah tak ada catalyst untuk buat baik [ada je senornye tapi tak terbukak hati]. Mungkin sebab niat aku dulu tak betul sebab tu jadik macam ni. Subuh pun ehem2 jugak laa [astaghfirullah..]. Kadang2 sedih and malu dengan diri sendiri. Dengan si Dia tak payah cakap la. Rasa macam dah tak layak nak bertaubat sebab banyak sangat dosa. Tapi aku lupa. Aku lupa yang Allah itu Maha Menerima Taubat. Aku lupa yang Allah itu Maha Mengasihani.

Ada seorang junior kat kolej aku dah hafaz satu quran. MasyaAllah.. Sejuk hati aku tengok muka dia. Mesti sejuk perut mak dia mengandung!! Aku cakap kat k0c@, "aku teringin nak ada anak macam tu nanti.." Lepastu k0c@ balas, "Memang la teringin. Tapi diri sendiri tak teringin ke nak jadik macam tu jugak?". Sungguh OUCH sekali. "Takpe, kita cuba la sikit2. Kalau sehari satu ayat, setahun dah boleh hafaz berapa juzuk dah..". Betul. Sebab tu la k0c@ pun dah hafaz banyak juzuk jugak. Aku???? Hmm..

Sekarang ni issue ber'betroth' tengah agak hangat jugak la. Be it in college or at home. Kat kolej, dah ada seorang kawan aku tu dirisik. Lepastu, ada pulak 'forum' rumah tangga ni. Ha ha.. Bukanla forum betul tapi just tanya2 among kitorang pasal masa depan. Mungkin bagi sesetengah orang, benda ni masih terlalu awal untuk difikirkan. Tapi bagi aku, benda ni natural. Tak salah kalau nak dibincangkan. In fact, bagi aku, sekarang ni masa yang sesuai untuk belajar so that nanti tak de la terkapai2 untuk mencari [cewah!! ayat bajet bagus. Ha ha..]. Mum tanya hari tu, "Dina takde ke senior2..". "Haaa....mula dah" aku menjawab dalam hati. Aku faham kenapa Mum agak ambil berat pasal ni. Mungkin sebab pengalaman Along Ima and angah aya mengajar, strategi sebagai seorang ibu kena ubah, especially untuk aku laa sebab I'm the next daughter after Angah Aya. "Alaa.. kalau ada, ada la nanti." Nanti tu, tak pasti la bila. Ha ha.. Alaa, semuanya penentuan Allah, aku boleh buat apa yang aku mampu je la. Tapi kalau nak suruh aku tackle sesape2, aku tak mampu la. Ha ha..

Hmm.. alhamdulillah, aku sekarang dah ok. Dah dapat terima kenyataan dan kebenaran. Tapi terharu jugak la kalau teringat balik masa dolu2. Hari ni cuti nuzul quran, sebab tu aku boleh merepek tak hengat. Lepas ni nak sambung tido. Ha ha..

"Those who believed (in the Oneness of Allah), and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah: verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" ~ Ar-Ra'd: 28

Look Into Yourself

"Why can't I be like her? Why can't I be like them? Why do they have more than what I have? Why don't they suffer like what I do? Why do they live happily like there's no end to this life? Am I being ungrateful? Am I that bad?"

It's becauce you didn't see things with your heart. You only see them with your eyes. Open your heart, and you'll see beautiful things around you, everything with a reason that you won't ever want to go against.. Maybe it's because you can't accept the fact that you are actually better than who and what you are. Being deniable doesn't help. Just believe in your own strength that lies within you.

Believe in yourself..

Of being immature

You know people delineate adulthood when they reach 21. The 21st birthday usually marks the end of adolescence and the beginning of maturity. Well, I’m not sure if 21 alone defines maturity or adulthood because from what I observed, not all 21 year old persons could stand on their own two feet by this age and still depend on other people. But anyway, I just realized that this month is the 21st month of my blogging life. Well, there’s actually no significance, I know. Heh..

So, I started blogging since last year and I never thought this blog could last this long. That’s an achievement, to me, at least. I know I know… nobody couldn’t be bothered by this run-of-the-mill thingy but I actually gained a lot from what I wrote and also from the feedbacks I received from people. It had been somewhat convivial for the first year and I enjoyed getting continuous comment from people. I really took pleasure in it. And then things started to be quite unpleasant for me because there were people who are very close to me read my blog surreptitiously.

Well, I didn’t want to be soo fussy about this you see but when Mum started to ask weird question which I doubt she could never find it out about and she said “Oh.. so-and-so told me..”, so rase macam takde privacy la kan. The average hit per day was what..30+ hits?! Siapelaa yg rajin sgt nak bace my blog ni kan.. So, I decided to have a pause for about 3 weeks. Not that I terminated everything but I changed the url. I did blog at that period of time but the feelings were not as usual. Things get boring because I know nobody read it and nobody would comment on it and I felt like a schizophrenic talking to myself.

So, I started to tell a few of my friends like izy, thirah, sarah, abg lan and afar about my new url and now the last person to know is pam sebab baru bgtau. Uncle saiful takyah bgtau sebab I know he would definitely find it out by himself. And then, syira reached here through mirul’s and other ‘silent readers’ from other planets. I didn’t even tell roy, im and sya about this because well, for my own personal reasons but that’s how I keep things up. I tried as hard as possible to avoid people from reaching this blog [for my own personal reasons as well.. maybe I need more privacy which I know sounds stupid because everyone can reach anywhere through internet right?] by using names with symbols. But that doesn’t quite work apparently. I never have any idea why people like to google or yahoo people’s name. What, you hope it to appear in wikipedia? Oh, it’s not just people’s names, stupid things as well.

But anyways, day-by-day, my darling beloved statcounter detected frequent anonymous visits from aussie especially. I know it’s not izy or syira because their ip addresses were saved. But tak kisah la kan.. it doesn’t cause any harm to me pon [though I’d prefer if the person drop me a message or two]. And then macam2 laa ragam manusia yg akhirnye berjaya sampai ke alam maya ni termasukla orang gilos. Tapi tak kisah jugak laa sebab malas nak layan. And then.. the last few days, somebody googled someone’s name [a name of a person who used to be in my college but no longer..no, not him..]. I actually hoped that nobody would search that name but well, ironically it happens so takpe la kan. But… the thing is.. that particular person actually bookmarked this page. How did I know? Well, being an avid ‘silent reader’ of other blogs, I can tell. But I might be wrong..

Hmm.. Aussie + the name + bookmark = I think I know who the person is. Not that I ‘know’ the person as in I’ve met her [her? Ooops!] before but… ade laa. I’m expecting someone from UK, particularly leeds pulak lepasni [if you’ve read my previous2 post, then you would know what I’m talking about].

Kecoh ar dina!!! Well, say whatever you like. Maybe it’s my fault for being absurdly particular about this. Or, is it not?

Maybe it's just me who are not yet grown up and not matured enough. Well, I'm just 19 ;) Two years to go!

A moment of silence

You’ll appreciate me more after this...

That was a paraphrase of what m@x told me before everything was over. Geli saje… Ngahaha.. Well, he believed in ‘sweet revenge’ if I must say. He was kinda like me; a person who’d prefer to keep things to himself. I don’t blame him for being one but he was sooo not matured in dealing with our problems. But anyways, having an indescribably ego inside, I used to think it was all rubbish. To hell of what he said, I myself was what the most important thing back then. Yea, talking about selfish at that time. But after a while, I felt the truth of what he said. I did feel the lost. A great lost that nobody could share with me. A great lost that I myself had to bear with for quite some times. Once you’ve had such feelings, you’d try to put yourself on the safe side by trying to replace the void with something/somebody else. Try as hard as you could, you would never get it done. Even if you’ve found something/someone else, it wouldn’t be the same as what you’ve gone through with the previous one. And honestly speaking, at right this moment, I wish I could turn back the clock and fix as many loopholes as I could. But yea, let bygone be bygone. I’m happy now. Couldn’t care less, could I?

M@x taught me how to appreciate people around me. Especially the ones I love. But believe me, you will appreciate your beloved ones’ existence more once you’ve been in a situation where they are not in the same world as you are in. I’m not talking about death but more or less a situation where you could never get in touch with them no matter how hard you try. And never in a million years I had ever sensed to feel the feelings that had engaged on me during the last holiday.

I was planning to window-shop with anid at al@mand@ and I thought of bringing n@zme along but anid was reluctant. She put every responsible on me and definitely would pin on me if anything ever happened to n@zme. So I was like, “Ok.. I don’t mind.. This is the only time I have to spend with him after all..”. At the end of the day, n@zme did come along. It was all fine at first. And seperti biase, he ran around all over the place like nothing in this world matters and greeted every person he bumped into. Peramah la sangat kan..

Then we went to parks0n and while anid tried out her brand new t-shirt, and while I was browsing around the mall, n@zme slipped through my fingers. I was like, “SHOOOT!”. I called around his name but didn’t get any respond. @nid was like, “Aku dah cakap!!!!!!” and shouted on my face. What else could I do but running around looking for him? Kalau nak layan ape yang anid bebel, 10 tahun baru abes kot. At that point, I swore to myself that if any bad things happened to n@zme, I’d shoot myself on the head, man! I could feel nothing as in numb.

That was the most dying moment ever I could tell. I asked a few assistants but they didn’t help much. It was ironic however that I could keep myself calm and only think about positive things. I kept saying to myself, “He’ll be fine…”. Anid pulak dah bebel mcm orang gile. What choice did I have then? My ears were looking for a howl, just in case he cried but in vain. Memang rase mcm nak menjerit gak ar. Haha…

Suddenly, after 10-15 minutes searching..

“Mak Na mak na!!!!” I saw him running towards me with an excitement on his face. I was like, “N@zmeeeeee!!”. I hold him and embraced him with every will I had. “Kan mak na dah cakap jgn jadik naughty boy bla bla bla…” I said enduringly but only to find him laughing tengok mak na die bebel. Hampehs!!!! Orang punyela mcm orang gile carik die ilang. Dan seperti biase, anid tak abes2 nak bebel. I ignored whatever anid said and was really really glad to see n@zme back in my hand.

And that was when I realized that he is more than just a kid, more than just a nephew and more than anything else…

Nazme.. Mak Na rindu Nazme, aida and effa :(