It's more than just being afraid

Aku ke Bristol hari tu. Dan aku menemui satu penemuan baru tentang diri aku. Selama ni, bukannya aku tak tahu tentang ‘fear’ aku tapi tak pernah tahu sejauh mana ke’fear’an aku itu. Selama ni ingatkan ‘takut’ main-main. Tapi tak. Aku ‘takut’ betul-betul rupa-rupanya. Kalau aku join program ‘Fear Factor’, mesti aku tarik diri kalau depa suruh aku buat stunt yang berkaitan dengan ‘fear’ aku ni. Kalau diorang paksa aku buat jugak, maybe aku akan memalukan diri dengan menangis depan seluruh manusia di atas muka bumi yang tengok siaran episod tu. Haha..

Tinggi.

Tak, aku bukan takut dengan orang tinggi. Tapi aku takut dengan ketinggian. Senang cerita, aku gayat pada ketinggian. Dan maksud aku dengan gayat adalah ‘sangat takut’!!

Aku ke Clift0n Suspensi0n Bridge. Menikmati keindahan alam ciptaan Tuhan yang sangat cantik dari atas bukit tu. Dan sememangnya, Suspension Bridge itu sangatlah tinggi sebenarnya. Tak tahulah tapi bagi aku tinggi la. Dan jambatan tu selalunya dijadikan tempat orang membunuh diri. Dekat dinding Suspensi0n Bridge tu ada diletakkan no telefon yang boleh dihubungi sebelum orang tu membuat keputusan utk membunuh diri. Aku rasa macam kelakar. Tapi mungkin tak kelakar di saat orang tu nak bunuh diri.

photo taken by brist0l_b0und.

Anyway.. masa nak jalan-jalan atas jambatan tu, aku rasa macam jambatan tu goyang-goyang. Aku hampir-hampir nak batalkan niat aku untuk cross jambatan tu. Seriously, pada saat dan ketika tu, aku baru betul-betul perasan yang aku sebenarnya sangat-sangat takut dengan ketinggian. Ni bukan takut main-main. Ni takut yang sampai aku rasa nak nangis. Hahahaha.. Orang sepatutnya jalan-jalan atas jambatan tu sambil menikmati keindahan alam sekeliling. Tapi aku tak. Aku jalan dengan lajunya sambil mata hanya tunduk tengok kaki aku berjalan. Tak mampu nak tengok kiri kanan. Takut terjatuh. Dan takut tak mampu nak selamatkan diri dan kamera tersayang.

On the way balik dari jambatan tu, aku nampak belon panas kat langit. Lalu aku menjerit keanak-anakan “Heyyyy bestnyee!! Nak naik hot air balloon laa!” kata aku dengan penuh keyakinan dan ke’syok-sendiri’an. Kawan aku membalas, “Haah, kat sini selalunya time summer memang banyak la hot air balloon and one of the cheapest jugak. So boleh la ko naik nanti!”. “Hooo cool gile! Takpe.. I’ll save that for my honeymoon lah,” kata aku dengan penuh kepoyoan sambil tersengih gedik [eeeyyyuuu!~] Tiba-tiba kawan aku lagi sorang mematikan lamunan aku, “Eh, ko kan gayat! Tak takut terjatuh tergolek ke masa kau tengok-tengok dari atas nanti?”

Dan memang, lamunan aku terus mati dan tidak hidup kembali. Mati forever. Aku tak tahu macam mana nak hidupkan balik lamunan aku tu. Susah!! Almost impossible!! Sigh..

photo taken by mohdfarif.

I used to tell a friend of mine, “The only way for you to overcome your fear is by denying. Deny your fear and you’ll free yourself bit by bit.” Now I found that the statement that was made by an immature yet 'perasan bagus' side of me is terribly ridiculous!! Maybe it is true to some extent that I am a 'denial' kind of person. And I'm afraid that I have to agree on that. Kesimpulannya, don’t be too philosophical and idealistic when you yourself didn’t know the truth you have never experienced.

Moving Forward

Alhamdulillah. Exam dah habis. Abangku pun dah balik Londang [read: L0nd0n bebeh] dan nak balik Mesia pun ahad ni. Aku? Balik Malaysia? Huh.. Malas nak fikir. Tak tahu kenapa sejak dua menjak ni rasa macam ada aura tak balik. Haha.. Aku ni, bila aura dan naluri hati dah come into play, dia bahaya sikit. Probability untuk berlaku agak tinggi. Huhu.. Tapi takpe.. Aku nak start prepare aku punya mental sekarang. Walau apa pun, perjuangan masih belum selesai! [ read: drama queen mode, bak kata M@i gedik :P ]

Sejak beberapa perkara berlaku kebelakangan ni, aku rasa macam nak give up this blog. Ntah.. Ini bukanlah kali pertama aku rasa macam tu. Maybe dah yang ke sepuluh juta. Tapi kali ni perasaan tu agak kuat. Ntah.. Ini bukanlah kali pertama aku rasa perasaan yang kuat tu. Maybe dah yang ke lima juta. Ntahla.. *sigh*

Aku takde mood la lepas abang aku balik ni. Homesick ke? Argh! Aku taknak fikir pasal rumah! Aku taknak fikir pasal Malaysia! Aku nak kena start plan la KALAU aku tak balik. Hmm.. Nak pegi Dublin ah. Ade ape? Ntah. Haha.. Jom pegi Itali nak?

Whateverrr..

Tak bolehhhhhhh.. kawan aku nak kawen!! Kena balik!!! Oh mannn.. Psycho gile. Haha.. Baru semalam kawan aku yang nak kawen summer ni kata: “Dina, aku mimpi ngeri malam tadi. Aku mimpi ko tak dapat datang wedding aku!” Haha.. huish, serious psycho. Huhu.. Ntah-ntah ajal sudah sampai waktu? Haha lagi psycho. Eh, tapi betul la kan? Ajal boleh sampai bila-bila kan? Kan? [ read: insaf mode. Baru lepas publish artikel pasal neraka kat iLuvi$l@m.c0m. Sob sob.. ].

Dah la. Baik aku stop sebelum aku merepek. Apa-apa pun, perjuangan masih belum selesai!!

photo taken by tp.

Ya Allah... Ya Qayyum...
Berikan ku kekuatan mengikuti ajakan RasulMu
Berikan ku kemampuan mengikuti jejak RasulMu
Baru sedikit waktu ku dalam berjuang
Namun terasa berat perjuangan ini

Ya Allah ...Ya Muhaimin...
Baru sedikit langkah ku
Namun terasa panjang perjalanan ini
Air mata bercucuran mengingat semua ini
Ku memohon perlindungan dan kekuatan ya Rahim
Salawat dan salam
Untuk nabi Muhammad SAW

Ya Allah...Ya Baqi...
Ku hanya mempunyai waktu yang sedikit lagi
Di muka bumi ini
Mungkin tidak sepuluh tahun
Atau bahkan kurang dari satu tahun
Tapi ku minta ya Rahman
Agar sisa hidup yang Engkau berikan padaku
Menjadi amal ibadah
Untuk memuliakan Engkau Ya Allah
Untuk mengabdikan diri pada Engkau
Untuk mengagungkan Nabi Muhammad-Mu
Untuk mengagungkan para rasul-Mu

Ya Allah..Ya Muakhir…
Ku tidak tahu akan berapa lama lagi aku berjuang
Kerana Engkau akan mematikan ku dengan tiba-tiba
Tanpa ku ketahui

Ya Allah....Ya Muhyi...Ya Mumit...
Apabila Engkau matikan ku esok
Matikan ku dalam husnul khatimah
Apabila Englau matikan ku tahun depan
Maka matikan ku dengan rasa rindu pada-Mu

Ya Awwal ...Ya Akhir...Ya Muqaddim...
Ku ingin berjumpa dengan para nabi dan rasul
Para malaikat dan bidadari
Dan berjumpa dengan Engkau Ya Allah
Inilah cita-cita ku
Inilah keinginan ku yang membara....

p/s: aku sangat suka gambar atas ni. Rasa macam ada makna yang sangat mendalam! Tahniah buat tp! Sampai nampak urat kaki orang tu! Urat ape tu ek? Yang aku tahu, konfem bukan dorsalis pedis artery! Cececece.. poyooo! Haha..

Cepatlah berlalu wahai Selasa..

Aku teringat satu ketika dahulu. Aku ni jenis yang bukanlah bergaul bebas sangat tapi disebabkan pendedahan aku kepada alam maya ni agak awal [since i was in standard 6 kalau tak silap] so I got to know quite a lot of people from various backgrounds. Mostly through mIRC lah. But mind you that was not a professional or important kind of acquaintanceship. That was more towards kenal mengenali bla bla bla if you get what I mean. And yes, aku mengaku, kalau dalam mIRC tu, jangan haraplah aku nak layan perempuan. Hah hah.. Oh well.. that was like ages and ages ago.

One thing that some of you might not know about me is I used to be in a relationship. I could not remember why I decided to have a boyfriend at that time. Masa tu takde blog ustad H@$riz@l lagi. Takde buku '@ku terim@ nik@hny@' lagi. Hahaha.. But tak kisah la. My point is, masa tu ramai je yang banyak bagi hint. Tapi aku ni jenis yang agak ego. Tak main la hint hint ni. Kalau suka aku, cakap je terus terang. Ewah ewah. Dan kalau aku suka orang pun aku tak bagi hint. Tapi aku tak terus terang la. Haha.. Eh aku penah suka orang ke? Mau kena tumbuk dengan @zhreen kalau aku tanya dia soklan tu. Haha.. Mane nak campak Dr. Khalis dan Encik Krisdankristal? Hehe..

Anyway, so daripada ramai-ramai jejaka yang duk bagi hint ni, yang jenis mulut-mulut manis ni, ada la sorang mamat ni yang confess. Ok fine. Aku bukan nak membuka pekung di dada yang aku ni dulu agak 'playgirl' di alam maya ni. Hah hah hah.. Dan aku bukan nak cakap yang aku ni 'hotstuff'. Tapi point aku ialah, walaupun ada ramai yang pandai berkata manis, yang pandai ambik hati aku, yang muka hensem bak bulan purnama, yang pandai bagi-bagi hint, yang pandai bermain kata-kata ni, aku pilih sorang mamat ni yang low profile je, yang takdelah pandai main kata sangat, yang takdelah anak raja ke ape, yang nampak je takde pape tapi hebat sebenarnya. Bakal doktor lagi! Masa tu la. Sekarang dah doktor dah. Dah kahwin dah. Huhu..

Ok. Itu je cerita aku. Hehe.. Maybe some of you might get what I'm trying to say, some of you might not. Tapi kesimpulannya, currently I'm not in any relationship tapi aku ada hubungan yang lebih kurang sama dengan konsep cerita aku di atas. Dan boleh dikatakan agak bahagia. Huhu.. Mungkin kawan aku di Adelaide, atau kawan aku yang suka tengok cerita kartun pocoyo, kawan aku kat Warwick, kawan aku kat Gua Sarawak, atau kawan-kawan aku yang lain faham. Yang tak faham pun takpe, tak perlu faham.

Aaaaanywayy. Aku tanya soalan cepumas kat @zh, Qil@h and d@t tadi: "Korang terkejut tak kalau kita kahwin after phase 1? Lepas masuk clinical?". Jeng jeng jeng. Paling suka tengok reaksi @zhreen. Haha.. Mungkin ada orang yang akan tergelak besar dengan soalan tu, mungkin ada orang yang hanya akan sengih-sengih tanda faham, mungkin ada orang yang akan nangis kerana aku sudah diambil orang. Hahaha.. Whatever it is, simpan je lah tawaan, sengihan dan tangisan korang tu sebab itu hanyalah soalan semata-mata dan bukanlah HINT. Aku ulang, that is just a mere question and NOT A HINT. Aku belum nak kahwin lagi! Oh mann.. lusa ade 0SCE :(

Sorang kawan baik aku nak kahwin bulan 8 ni. Mak aku pulak yang pressure tanya bila aku pulak nak kahwin. Aduhai.. Memang silap besar kalau bring up this topic dengan mak aku. Pelik.. mak orang lain suruh anak habis belajar dulu. Mak aku yang tak sabar-sabar nak suruh aku kahwin. Macam mana ni? Tak elok buat mak pressure pressure kan? Tak elok buat mak risau. Jadi? Hehe.. Abaikan. Aku masih waras.

Oh ya. Aku masih ada 0SCE Selasa pagi ni. Aku perlu FOKUS! Lepastu Lupi nak datang. Lepastu nak pergi jalan-jalan pulak. Hehehe bestnye exam dah nak habis!!! Cepatlah berlalu wahai hari Selasa.

photo taken by G!L.

When everything is dark.. There is a star in the sky. Guiding my way with its light.

"..but it may well be that you hate a thing the while it is good for you, and it may well be that you love a thing the while it is bad for you: and God knows, whereas you do not know." [2:216]

Oh La La~

“Agak-agak kalau orang-orang U, orang-orang non-muslim semua datang dengar forum tu, kalau diorang bersetuju nak sokong PA$, semua nakkan Islam, agak-agak boleh ke wujud ‘daulah islamiyyah’?”

Hari ni kita cakap benda berat sikit ok? Kalau boleh terima dengan hati terbuka, Alhamdulillah. Kalau tak boleh terima, boleh la tutup window ni skrg. Huhu..

Tak tahu kenapa. Soalan tu masih terngiang-ngiang dalam kepala otak aku. Benda dah lama. Isu tu dah basi. Dah nak dekat sebulan isu tu dibincangkan dalam usrah. Tapi tak tahu kenapa. Aku rasa macam ada sesuatu yang masih hilang. Tak tahulah. Aku sendiri masih mencari-cari. Aku sendiri masih fening.

Tak tahu kenapa, dalam banyak-banyak usrah yang aku pergi, usrah tu jugak yang buat aku terfikir dengan dalamnya. Balik tu memang tak senang duduk. Lama aku termenung. Jauh aku mengelamun. “Aku ke yang fikir banyak sangat? Aku ke yang jahil sebenarnya? Aku ke yang over react? Aku ke yang tak sama wavelength dengan diorang? Aku ke yang buang karan duk pikiaq pasai ni?”

“Ni rasa macam soalan tricky je. Mesti ada answer scheme ni. Ntah la, tak boleh kot..”

“Ermm.. tak tahulah. Boleh kot. Ke tak boleh?”

Aku tak ingat dah apa kawan-kawan seusrah aku jawab. Tapi yang aku ingat aku adalah orang last yang jawab. Dan dengan yakinnya aku kata, “Yes, it is possible. Mestilah boleh. Sebab once orang Islam yang pegang kepimpinan, so bolehlah hukum Islam ditegakkan.”

Malangnya.. jawapan aku tak sama dengan answer scheme yang telah disediakan. Oh well.. aku malas nak bebel banyak. Apa yang aku bahaskan lepas tu biarlah tersimpan dalam kotak memori aku sendiri. Betapa aku berbahangnya lepas tu, biarlah aku simpan sendiri. Betapa aku rasa macam nak nangis lepas tu, biarlah Allah je yang tahu. Tapi.. satu benda is, aku belajar banyak benda from that particular discussion.

First, aku kena belajar carik banyak ilmu lagi. Banyak lagi benda yang aku tak tahu. Second, yes, aku kena perbaiki diri sendiri. Third, aku kena belajar kawal emosi. Sebab aku ni cepat emotional. Haha..

Aku bukan nak salahkan mana-mana pihak. Aku bukan nak kata aku je yang betul yang lain salah. TAK. Aku tak kata mana-mana pihak salah. Aku bukan nak pertikaikan orang-orang yang lagi banyak ilmu agama daripada aku. TAK. Aku hormat dengan pandangan dan ilmu yang diorang bagi. Yes, aku admit yang aku memang terlalu jahil kalau nak bincang bab-bab agama ni. Aku memang terlalu jahil kalau nak bincang bab-bab ‘daulah islamiyyah’ ni.

TAPI.. FOR ONCE.. For once, aku terfikir satu je…

Kenapa kita terlalu berfikiran negatif? Kenapa kita perlu persoalkan samada daulah islamiyyah akan tertegak ke tak? Malaysia tu busuk sangat ke utk dijadikan Negara Islam? Kenapa kita tak yakin dengan kegemilangan Islam? Nak harapkan orang lain ke yang nak perjuangkan Islam kat Malaysia tu? Kenapa kita perlu sempitkan istilah ‘Tarbiyyah’ tu? Kenapa kita perlu pentingkan diri sendiri? Kenapa kita rasa dalam dunia ni kita je orang islam, kita je umat nabi Muhammad? It’s not about whether it is possible or not. It’s not about when. Sebab memang Allah dah janji dalam Quran yang Islam akan kembali gemilang satu hari nanti. Hari ni? Esok? Lusa? Tulat? Lepas kita mati? Bila-bila Allah nak. It’s not about who will be bringing Islam back. It’s not about this Jemaah or that Jemaah. It’s not about PA$ or U. Sebab Islam tu untuk semua. It’s not about anything. It’s about THE RELIGION; ISLAM itself.

Aku bukan apa. Aku bercakap untuk diri aku sendiri yang sememangnya masih jahil, masih terlalu bengap untuk bebel banyak pasal ni. Tapi aku tak rasa puas lepas balik daripada usrah tu. Aku tak rasa CUKUP. Aku rasa masih terlalu banyak ‘pieces’ yang hilang.

So what am I trying to point out here?

I don’t know.

You go and find out yourself. If you really, I mean, REALLY care about Islam, if you really want to see Islam as ‘ustaziatul alam’, you can’t just sit there and do nothing. You have to be REALISTIC and NOT IDEALISTIC. You have to be PRACTICAL and PROACTIVE. Allah ada cakap dalam Al-quran [maaf tak ingat surah apa], kalau kamu taknak tegakkan Islam, Allah tak rugi apa-apa pun. Allah tak heran pun kita nak perjuangkan Islam ke tak. Allah sedikitpun tak rugi. Malah, Allah akan datangkan satu kaum yang perjuangkan Islam. So? Tepuk dada tanya iman.

Apa-apa pun, aku punya kesimpulan ada satu je. Walau apa pun, aku tetap yakin dengan kepimpinan ulama’ dalam PA$. Aku bukan nak berpolitik. Aku bukan nak pro-PA$ atau anti-U. Aku bukan nak kata PA$ is THE ONLY WAY untuk ‘daulah islamiyyah’. But I am a Malaysian. I am a Muslim Malaysian. So takkan aku nak harapkan kebangkitan Islam kat Indon? Takkan aku nak harapkan kebangkitan Islam dekat Arab Saudi? Aku tak kata tak possible. Yes, Islam tu possible di mana-mana sahaja satu dunia ni. Yes, Islam tu akan bangkit untuk mana-mana kaum atau bangsa. Yes, Islam tu bukan untuk mana-mana jemaah pun.

But to be REALISTIC, PRACTICAL and PROACTIVE, dalam konteks Negara Malaysia, dalam konteks aku as rakyat Malaysia, aku kena sokong party yang perjuangkan Islam la, ye dok? It happens to be that PA$ yang perjuangkan hukum Allah. Note and perceive my sentence as objectively as possible ok? I repeat: It HAPPENS to be that PA$ yang perjuangkan HUKUM dan UNDANG-UNDANG Allah. Betul kan ayat tu? Huhu.. Kalau Allah bagi hidayah kat U, kalau U letakkan Al-quran dan Sunnah sebagai perjuangan mereka, yes, lagi la logic Malaysia tu nak jadik Negara Islam sebab diorang yang pegang kepimpinan sekarang.

So, when you say Hukum and Undang-Undang Allah, dah terang benderang kat situ ada perkataan undang-undang. So nak tak nak, you have to fight via politics la. Nak taknak, politics is the only way. You don't talk about Sirah Nabi without politics. You don't talk about Sejarah Dunia, World War ii, Perang Salib or what have you without politics. You don’t speak about Palestinian Issues without politics. You don’t speak about HAMA$ without politics. Betul tak?

Aku dah baca banyak artikel, banyak berita, dah tengok banyak video ceramah-ceramah kat internet tu, and yes, aku berani kata apa yang selama ni aku percaya, apa yang selama ni aku rasa is right. Aku just kata aku betul dengan jawapan aku tu. Sebab aku yakin yang Islam is relevant now and forever. Tapi aku tak kata mana-mana pihak salah. Yes we have different point of views, I respect that. But when I respect other people's opinions, I expect the same thing in return.

It’s not wrong to debate and discuss about this but one thing that we have to prepare ourselves before jumping into such discussion is we need to have knowledge, facts and be open minded. Berlapang dada and terbuka hati. When we have those criteria, then we know what our roles are. We won’t blame other people. We won’t say ‘I am right and you are wrong’. We won’t say ‘They are wrong and we are right’. No such thing.

But then again, this is just my opinion. Aku yang kerdil lagi dhoif lagi tak tahu apa-apa ni, you don’t have to take my points if you don’t want to. Tapi korang boleh la baca artikel-artikel orang-orang yang lebih berilmu macam Ustad H@$riz@l ke, ustad Z@h@ruddin ke. Kalau nak dengar ceramah yang ‘ringan’ yang boleh gelak-gelak sket, yang ‘lepak-lepak’ sikit, boleh la dengar ceramah Ustad @kil H@yy kat youtube tu. Seriously, walaupun aku gelak terkekeh-kekeh, dalam hati, apa yang aku rasa, Tuhan je tahu. Try la tengok ceramah ustad @kil. Best :) Bak kata ustad @kil, "Bukan nak ajak berpolitik. Bukan nak ajak join PA$. Tapi nak ajak BERFIKIR".

Jadi kesimpulannya, HARGA PETROL NAIK. Yeay! Sekian.

photo taken by nadia dar.

"Mohonlah pertolongan kepada Allah dan bersabarlah. Sesungguhnya bumi (ini) milik Allah; diwariskan-Nya kepada sesiapa sahaja yang Dia kehendaki di antara hamba-hambaNya. Dan kesudahan (yang baik) adalah bagi orang-orang yang bertakwa." [7:128]

Berita Jam 3: Dunia Warna-Warni

Hari ni. Aku ada banyak berita. Berita gembira ada. Berita kelakar pun ada. Berita ala-ala tahpape pun ade. Berita tak penting pun ada. Tapi tak kisah la. Itula namanye warna-warni kehidupan.

Berita utama: First day exam. Dan ESOK. Adalah hari last written exam!!!! O$CE ade lagi daa~ Well. No komen. Biasa la. Mana ada orang kata exam seronok. Tapi aku tak kata pulak exam hari ni tak seronok. Habis tu seronok ke tak seronok exam hari ni? Tak kisah laa. Apa-apa pun boleh.

Berita gembira: Bro Karl dah dapat baby girl. Huhu.. Bro Karl tak pernah habaq plak kat aku selama ni dia bakal jadi papa. Tapi takpe. Aku dapat bayangkan kegembiraan seorang ayah bila dapat anak. Walaupun aku bukanlah seorang ayah. Dan aku bukanlah seorang ibu jua. Tapi aku adalah Mak Na. Haha.. Aku sangat rindu kanak-kanak ribena kat rumah tu. Kalau Mak Na pun boleh sayang dan rindu kat anak-anak sedara. Apatah lagi Bro Karl dapat anak kan? Betul tak? Ke tak betul?

Berita kelakar: Dalam banyak-banyak photographer satu Malaysia tu.. KENAPA LAAA pakcik tu jugak yang jadik photographer wedding H??????? Kenapa??? Apa masalah aku sebenarnye? Hahahahaha.. Ntah. Psycho.

Berita tak penting dan ala-ala tahpape: Aku makan nasi berlaukkan ayam bakar masak kicap madu pukul 6 pagi tadi. 6 PAGI!! Tak pelik eh? Mungkin pelik bagi aku seorang. Tak pernah aku makan nasik seawal itu. Tapi takpe. Yang penting perut aku gembira masa jawab exam tadi [walaupun otak takdela gembira mana. Haha..]

Berita yang aku masih tak boleh terima: Kenapa mesti pakcik tu yang jadik photographer wedding H?? KENAPA?????

photo taken by SERENDIPITY™.

"ART THOU NOT aware that God sends down water from the skies, whereby We bring forth fruits of many hues - just as in the mountains there are streaks of white and red of various shades, as well as (others) raven-black" - [35:27]

Maka, atas nasihat A, aku nak pergi tenangkan diri. Doakan aku akan tenang menghabiskan written exam aku esok.

Autoimmune disorder

Hati ini terluka tanpa dilukai. Hati ini menangis tanpa dipinta.

Rilex ok. Bukan nak berjiwang. Isnin ni ade exam ok? Haha.. So apa kaitannye?

In medicine, we have this one type of disorder whereby your own antibodies produced in your body which are primarily used to fight againts FOREIGN particles are doing something else. In this case, your own antibodies are fighting against your OWN cells, hence the name; AUTOIMMUNE DISORDER.

Siapa tak faham boleh tanya personally. Haha..

photo taken by mohdfarif.

Aku tak tahula nak cakap macam mana tapi aku sangat suka gambar sunset ni. Sangat suka!! Sangat cantik! SubhanAllah.. Korang boleh la tengok gambar2 encik ni. Memang sangat cantik. Islamic pulak tu. Huhu.. Bagus2. Ade jugak photographer yang bukan macam encik N. Hah hah..

With that, I dedicate this special photo to my friends [Leicesterians la especially huhu] and all friends in other parts of the globe. Good luck in our exams! I hope that we would do well and could make through so that boleh balik Malaysia. Hehe.. But whatever it is, always remember that whatever results that we end up with, that is definitely the best for us regardless what letter that would come out next to our candidate number. Ok :)

And also to A in Adelaide. Please don't stop snapping. Please do come back to photography. Please get back to your camera. Please don't waste your flickr pro account. Hehe.. It's ok. I understand that you're taking a break but please do come back ok?

And last but not least, to my very special friend, H. Congratulations. I don't have anything else to say. After ALL these years, this time is for real. And I pray to Him that you and everyone around you will always be blessed now and forever. Again, to H and Y, congratulations on your wedding day :) 010608; I'll try not to keep that in mind ;)

Ok, cik mai akan marah kalau saya tak fokus. Jadi, mari kita fokus dan bukan berangan ok? :P

Wish me luck, people! And for those who have wished, thank you very much. May Allah bless you too! Take care :)

Every grain of sand,
In every desert land, He knows.
Every shade of palm,
Every closed hand, He knows.
Every sparkling tear,
On every eyelash, He knows.
Every thought I have,
And every word I share, He knows.
Allah knows

This piece is yours

photo taken by Wynona R.

I've seen the bigger picture. I can't do everything and still have everything. So I have to let some pieces go. This piece.. this is your piece. I've watched you earn this piece hard way, the awful way. I know you deserve it. And I'm letting it go..

Good Luck, H :)

And I told you the truth..

“So, what now, Dina?”
“You want me to tell you the truth or you want me to say ‘I don’t know. You decide.’?”

Something just brought me be back to the past, when I wish I would have fixed that particular time. But things just went totally wrong. It was over. And I accepted it even though it was not that easy.

I’ve been working quite hard these few days. Exams are coming up. And I’m trying to keep that thing out of my mind and I’m pretty much fine with that. I’ve been thinking quite a lot of things as well apart from my exams. At times, I just felt so overwhelmed and hope for the things that have been weighing me down to be let off steam at least bit by bit if not all in a go. But when you’re in a totally different time and place, different settings, different people around, you just can’t do it. But I don’t blame the circumstances to be that way. I just need to learn to be more realistic rather than being fragile and do nothing to help myself.

Oh, I’m just taking a break. By rambling, yes. Haha..

I talked to Nad yesterday. Dia cakap zarif and adam dah besar :) I just can’t wait to see them! I don’t want to miss the moment anymore. Arggh! Bencinye perasaan merindui anak sedara!

Ok.. jom sambung belajar!

photo taken by spikeyhelen.

p/s: 12 more days to go :)

What will there be at the end?

"Oh, encik K dah lepas dah final year. Dah jadik Dr. K sekarang."

Fine. Congratulations Dr. K. I wish you all the best in your future undertakings.

If I could have a choice to not knowing someone whom I am totally not familiar with or in other words, someone who has absolutely nothing to do with me right in the first place, it would be encik K. Oops sorry. I mean, Dr. K. Bukan Datuk K ye. Now, I just wonder if Prozium does really exist. Because if it did, I'm desperately in need of it at this moment in time.

Because I have a massively big and gigantic exam [though it only consists of two papers but it matters more than you could ever imagine] in less than two weeks' time and I don't want to waste my time thinking about these loads of claptrap. I don't know why I am so upset about that. No, not because he's a doctor now whatsoever. I don't know. I'm just clueless.

Or probably my next cycle is about to come. Yea, that's more likely. If that's the case, then, thank God!

Oh yea, one more thing. Mr. Dave [my stimulated patient for the communication skill seminar] said: "If you really want to ask people to stop smoking, I advice you to prepare yourself with two important things: Don't be judgmental and don't expect too much. Because quitting from smoking is so damn hard. And no matter how long your endless list of possible risks and complications of smoking yada yada yada is, if the person has not ever considered to quit, then they won't care about what you say. They don't even want to listen to you. And you don't have to waste your time on that."

Well, for me, I would say, you don't be judgmental and you don't expect too much almost on everything! EVERYTHING!

Thank you very much.

photo taken by manganite.

"kalau la kt ada power..mst kt akan try utk vanish ingatan awk kat die". Thanx very much, S. That's very thoughtful of you. And yea, please, by all means, if you ever did, please get my memories of EVERYONE I don't wish to keep in mind vanished into thin air!

It's not difficult.. It's just unbearable.

Running away from the reality has never been the answer to solve the problem. It has been for a few days since I last posted my previous rubbish entries. I was offline almost all the time except when I was skyping with my family. No, it's not because I'm 'puluning' and studying all the time for the exams. That's a big NO. I was basically shunning myself from those unexpected things. Don't worry, you no need to understand what I'm shitting right now. But basically, I did not sit and lay back and thinking about the past. I did not staring outside the window and wishing him well. I did have a weird dream last night but I didn't think about it. I treated the dream as a mere game of thought. I thought I was being coward and the only thing to do was running away. But the thing is, all those running-aways and whatever I did helped me a lot. It was a good solution. So theoretically, I was and am not running away. I am just moving on.

Days go by. Sometimes I feel so scared to move on. The only thing that I loathe so much is when I need and have to think about my future. But yea, I have 'tawakkaltu 'AlaAllaah' to help me out with that. But sometimes, just sometimes it doesn't always come that easy. Nad just got her offer to do medicine in KMB. Icah is now in Terengganu, studying hard for her exams. Lupi is sitting for his exams to. Along Ima just had her second exam today. I'm going to have mine in a few weeks' time. And in few months' time, Mum and Dad will be all alone at home. Isn't that scary? Mum and dad's children are all grown up. I'm going to get my first year of medicine over shortly. And needless to say that he's having his thing in a few weeks' time as well but that's another matter. What I'm trying to say is, time has been catching up on me so fast!

And not just that. I have other plenty of sheeeeeets of paper to deal with. I am an emotional person. Sometimes it's so hard to handle it. Sometimes, it's not difficult at all..but it's just unbearable. It's an ujian. And I am no way running away from it. But what the heck. I have HIM. He's preparing me for being a person with the better. And I should not be complaining. At all.

photo taken by Yusree.

And I have been missing photography for a while :(

p/s: This entry shows clearly that I'm not a pathos. But I don't know why, I'm still doing the countdown. Yes, I ain't a pathos but I am pathetic. You just knew me too well, H. Huhuhaha.. 18 days to go! Geez.. I really don't know what to expect! Excited!