After years of hiatus..

Assalamu'alaikum wbt,

So.. I decided to write again. Although it somehow feels a bit surreal to be back to this space. SubhanAllah.. Who would have thought this old self of mine is still sane enough to keep this long-abandoned blog alive again. I miss writing though. I don't know what really brought me to this but I guess there could be something that is there to fill the 'void' I have in here.

My iluvislam blog has been terminated by God-knows-who. It was devastated to figure out that the blog is no longer there. So many cherish-able thoughts and writings that was very very close to my soul now buried in an unknown space. I've tried so many things to retrieve my old writings in there but to no avail. Ada laa hikmahnya tu kot.. And at last, here I am, in the middle of the night, not being able to sleep, trying to familiarise myself with this thing, updating my 'first' entry ever after a VERY VERY loooongg break.

I feel like I have got SO many things to write but yet, I don't know where to start. Doing this actually brought me back to so many previous memories, be it good or bad. Somehow I feel a little bit mixed inside, unsure of how to steer my mind and heart to set the 'momentum' of this blog. My intention is only one: to get back to writing so that I could share the goodness that I received from my current life with other people, for the sake of Allah of course, insyaAllah.

And oh yes, I am now in my maternity leave for probably-one-year so yea, I basically have not-so-many things to do at home (as if! How I wish.. Huhu). May Allah guide my intention right and may people get as much benefit from this blog as possible, insyaAllah.

"I tell you to keep going, not because it’s easy. Not because it doesn’t hurt. I tell you to keep going because there’s no other way. To stop is to die. Life is in motion. In growth. In change. Life is in seeking and in finding. Life is in redemption. Each moment is a new birth. A new chance to come back, to get it right. A new chance to make it better." -YM

Just one thing though: the new 'deynarashid' is now hopefully more matured in writing than the old one eheh. So, whatever you read in this blog prior to this entry, may not reflect the true character of my current self. Haha. Nonetheless, I really do appreciate constructive criticism and reminders, so, please do correct me if I'm wrong, insyaAllah :-)

May Allah bless.

It is..

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

Andai aku di sisiMu

Pada-Mu saja
Aku mengadu
Resah gelora
Yang menghempas kalbu
Terasa berat
Namun apa daya ku luahkan
Walau sarat terasa malu pada-Mu

Akulah insan
Yang berjuta dosa
Tiada mengenang
Erti kesalahan
Berkali-kali
Terus masih terulang segala kesilapan
Meski ku tahu pedihnya..

Masihku disini terantai nubari
Detik nadi bagaikan terhenti
Andai aku di sisi rahmat-Mu
Berhakkah ku ulang masa lalu

Andai aku di sisi Mu
(photo taken by Mahkota Alam)

"When you watch the sunset, let your worries and sadness go with it. See them burning up in the brilliant colors. Allow the beauty to remind you there is more to life than trouble! When you put your troubles away with the sunset, you make room for blessings to fill the next day."

Some things..

"Your heart and your emotions are on the same page. But you may find that they are not on the page you want them to be. It could be that you are reminiscing about an event from the past. What was once a happy set of encounters is now leaving you feeling like there is a whole rosebush of thorns in your side. Focus on the present, and let the past become history."

I'm writing about diabetes for my dissertation and I found that 'sugar is not always sweet'. Some things are better not consumed. Like sugar. They can be sweet. But can also be a killer.

And..

Some things are better left behind.



It's time to move on..



'Laa hau laa walaa quwwata iLlaa biLlaahil 'aaliyyil 'adziim..'

MenujuMu Ya Rabb

I'd just received one shocking news. After more than 6 months since I last updated this blog, the news somehow really get me moved so overwhelmingly such that I decided to post this entry up.

Allah.. Allah..

The news came about just unexpectedly and now I forget how to express myself.

Someone I hardly know has been diagnosed with cancer. The person is not related to me in any way, not even as a friend. But I don't know why I was so affected that I ended up weeping like he's a family member of mine. He reminded me of my arwah Mak Hamidah, probably that's why I got too emotional over this matter.

The most precious thing is, I came to realise something valuable. Something so wonderful that I can't even type it down. Indescriptive. I wonder how a person you don't even know is able to touch your heart so deeply. I guess that's the special gift that Allah rewards him with, that nobody could have.

I know he's the strongest person ever to be tested with such predicament and all I can do is pray for his best. He knows that Allah has the best plan for him waiting ahead. He knows that Allah won't burden him beyond his strength to bear. Everybody knows that he's the chosen loveable one of Allah's to get a place in Jannah. He truly is.

Ya Allah.. walau apa pun kesudahannya, kau tempatkanlah dia di dalam syurgaMu. Kerana itu adalah semulia-mulia tempat pengakhiran. Ameen.

Semoga kau terus kuat wahai sahabat.

Lots of love -- dina :)

01-07-00
“We had just arrived in London yesterday. Al0ng im@ is packing her stuff. She’s moving to her new house in Southgate. So it’s going to be our second night at P0k Teh’s house!”

01-07-01
“”Kenapa dengan dina ni? Macam bad mood je?” ada ke patut dia tanya soalan tu??!! Mane aku tak bad mood?! Dia tipu aku!!! Aku benci F@khrul!!!”

01-07-02
“Pagi tadi ada program intim. Aku ingatkan tanak pergi tp pergi je la. Pastu kat sekolah aku pening kepala. Aku terus call dad suruh ambik aku. Sampai-sampai rumah je terus baring. Al0ng im@ check aku and bagi makan ubat. Now I’m feeling much better. Anyway, haritu ada spotcheck kat sekolah and guess what? Discman aku kena rampas!! Sedih gile! The next day aku pergi jumpa cikgu Zainab. Dia kata boleh ambik akhir tahun nanti. Sedih gile tau tak!! Tapi nak buat mcm mana. Lepastu, haritu jugak ustad z@in@phi panggil aku. Dia kata ustad Arm@n nak jumpa aku. Ingatkan apa la aku dah buat. Rupanya aku masuk pertandingan bercerita untuk ihtifal Bahasa Arab. Percaya tak? Tak pernah terlintas dalam kepala aku nak masuk pertandingan bercerita dalam bahasa arab. Ni mesti ada someone yang bagi nama aku. Siut gila. Tapi takpela, kesian tengok muka ustad macam mengharap je. Aku kata ok. So, we’ll wait and see. Anyway, abang din kata dia nak datang KL next week, ada gathering dengan budak-budak e-kuizians. Aku tak boleh datang, ada hal. Dia kata nanti dia paskan hadiah aku kat Emud. Dia kata dia nak pergi PD dengan member-member. Lepastu maybe balik Singapore terus. Sedihnya tak dapat jumpa dia.”

01-07-03
“actually sekarang ni tengah minggu aktiviti. Aku balik bilik pukul 1230 tadi. Kejap lagi pukul 2.30 nak keluar balik. Ada indoor games kot. Aku masuk game konda-kondi. Tak tahulah game tu macam mana. Main pun tak pernah. Haha.. bantai je la. Anyway, abang amir dah grad dah, Alhamdulillah. Dia ada kat Malaysia sekarang. Tengah tunggu reply from dia punya sponsor utk sambung masters pulak. Lupi pulak kat k0lej m@ra b@nting. Haritu aku pergi dengan abang amir ambik Pi balik. Agak terpencil la sekolah tu. Dalam ladang kelapa sawit pulak tu. Tapi sebab untuk masa depan, so takpelah. Anyway, one good news. Al0ng im@ pregnant! Dah 7 weeks kot! Ya Allah, aku happy sangat!! Tak sabar nak dapat anak sedara! Harap-harap al0ng im@ and Abang N0rman dapat anak yang baik dan sayang aku, insyaAllah. Hehe.. Anyway, lagi beberapa minggu birthday H@fiz. Lama dah tak dengar berita dia. Rindu rasanya. Aku harap dia ok je.”

01-07-04
“Sejak 2-3 hari ni aku rasa down gila. Rasa sedih sangat-sangat. Haritu anid call. Dia kata H@fiz ada call rumah nak cakap dengan dia. Lama jugak diorang borak, nak dekat sejam jugak. Aku agak terkejut jugak la H@fiz call. Aku tahu dia ada banyak cerita kat anid tp anid macam tanak cerita kat aku je. Aku tahu anid marah sebab dia malas nak get involved in this issue tapi benda dah nak berlaku, nak buat macam mana. Lepastu malam tadi H@fiz call aku. Aku takde mood nak layan dia. Aku cakap kat dia aku betul-betul distracted. Aku taknak dia kacau concentration aku for my trial. So dia kata lepas aku habis trial nanti dia call balik and he wants to have a slow talk with me and solve all these problems between us. Ntahla. Aku rasa macam nak clash je.”

01-07-05
That’s all I could give..

01-07-06
“I think I’ve fallen in love with the beach laa. Serious.. I could just sit there, doing nothing, listen to the sound of the waves, counting the waves, the birds, taking pictures like a crazy person and just relax!! I mean, I can’t get that anywhere else!! It’s like, having a tryst with my own and only world! Eceyh poyo laa pulak. Dulu, somebody asked me, which place I’d prefer to stay; at the side of the beach or at the top of a hill. I used to like both places. But since God-knows-when, I feel so belonged to the beach, makes me feel so calm and comfortable. Ni yang tak boleh apply univ kat tepi laut ni, confirm tak belaja, buat course photography plak nanti. Haha.. So yea, I took some pictures..” - When the nature sings..

01-07-07
“Soooo.. ermm, what I’ve been up to recently?? Well, met up some bangi friends. Went out for a movie with lupi and those two kiddos at Cineleisure few days back. We watched Surf’s Up. And hey, it’s a nice cartoon, really enjoyed it. It’s better than Happy Feet I would say. No, we didn’t manage to get tickets for transformers and as for that, we’re planning to watch it with Abg Amir Along Ima n Angah Aya later but I’m not sure when they’re free or better still, when I’m free. Bajet, jgn x bajet. Haha.. Ermm.. went for shopping, bought myself a DigiCam magazine costs almost 40bucks. Now, that’s the most expensive photography magazine I’ve ever bought. But it’s worthwhile with all the tips and free cd of photoshop tutorial so I’m not regret hanging the expense. And ermm, Qi1@h and her friend im@n dropped by my house this afternoon. We chatted for a while, and then they left.” – Time keeps ticking.

01-07-08
“Now, here comes the most awaited part. Hehe..

Let me see. 2000 was like 8 years ago. Can you believe it? I still have my diaries kept from 2000 till 2005, just before I started to involve in blogging. And I have been blogging for almost 4 years now. What a miracle. Haha..

Let’s go one by one.

Firstly, in 2000, yep, that was my first time in the UK. Masa tu kitorg pergi sana for Angah @ya punya graduation kat Nottingham.

Lepastu in 2001, about Fakhrul, I honestly can remember not a single thing about him. Haha.. Kelakar. Ntah siapa ntah pakcik tu. Aku harap dia hidup lagi. Dan kalau hidup, semoga dia menjadi insan yang berguna. Huhu..

Lepastu, in 2003. pasal discman kena rampas. Haha.. aku ingat lagi time ni. Dalam discman tu ada CD Backstreet Boys. Astaghfirullah.. apa ni budak maahad buat perangai buruk mcm tu. Kuikui.. And then, pertandingan bercerita untuk ihtifal Bahasa Arab??? OH MY GOD. Aku gelak besar for this one. Haha.. nak suruh aku berbahasa arab sekarang mmg boleh dikatakan antara tindakan yang paling tidak bijak dalam dunia. Hehe.. Abang Din pulak. Well, the last time I heard about him which was like 3 years ago, dia dah ada baby boy yg sangat comel! Sekarang dah tak dengar apa2 langsung dah.

Lepastu, in 2004, minggu aktiviti kat MR$M L@ngkawi. Main konda-kondi? Part ni memang aku tak ingat langsung. Huhu.. Pasal H@fiz. Oh well.. there’s nothing left to be talked about.

Pasal article in 2005, tu aku tulis untuk izy@n. Apa cerita la makcik tu kat monash. Haish.. rindunye diee :( harini dah la birthday die. Huhu.. HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY IZYANTOBOBO!!

In 2006, ni detik-detik aku mula bergiat dalam photography. Aku ingat lagi betapa aku pulun nak buat ‘lightbox’ tu. Tu ijun pak k0jer la ajar. Sekarang tak guna pun. Haha.. [p/s: want to know how the 'lightbox' works? Click on the photo below :)]

In 2007, takde ape sangat dah.

Now, it’s 2008. My intention for this entry is to make it the last one for this little bloggy. Now you know some of my secrets that I have been keeping all this while. Well, some of you might have known but a big bunch of my secret readers might not. That’s fine. Sebenarnya banyak je lagi rahsia-rahsia yang aku tak cerita. I think I’ll just keep them to myself.

And now, I think it’s the time for me to let this bloggy go. I won’t delete it. It may remain on the net for.. I don’t know, future references perhaps. Or untuk sesi taaruf ke. Hahahahahahahahaha.. Ok tak2. that’s a bad joke. Hehe.. Or probably because I love it as much as I love my other diaries that I’ve been keeping for years. It has been a precious thing to me, I admit, and will always be. But I think cukup lah setakat ni kot. I won’t delete it and neither am I going to keep it active. When I click the ‘Publish Post’ button, everything from then backwards will be a HISTORY. But from then onwards, it will be an uncertain FUTURE.

I don’t want to be so emotional and sentimental over this entry [although I really am!] but I just want to thank all of you especially the ones who have been following my crappy stories from years ago. I really appreciate it. I really had great times being a storyteller, being a writer and being a blogger. To all my friends, don’t worry. I’m not dead yet [as of now! Hehe..] so if you wish to contact me, by all means, please do. You know how / where to reach me. If you don’t.. then you’re not my friend. Hehe..

So, good luck people!

photo taken by deyna rashid.

Sunny Rain

~Ketika senyuman terkuntum di muka, tangisan di hati hanya Dia yang tahu~

Semalam dia telefon. Lepas dapat sms daripada aku. Aku dengar suara dia. Aku rasa sayu sangat. Rasa macam nak nangis sangat. Tapi aku sabar. Aku tahan. Aku tau dia sedih yang teramat. Kalau aku nangis, nanti dia nangis. Hehe..

Dulu, first time aku jumpa dia, pandang pun tak. Bukan sombong. Tapi sebab aku memang tak kenal kebanyakan orang kat situ termasuklah dia. Aku selalu la dengar cerita pasal dia sebab dia antara orang yang femes, antara orang yang menjadi pujaan hati. Ewah.. haha.. Tapi aku tak kenal dia. Aku tengok dia dari jauh je. Lepastu, belum sempat aku kenal dia, kitorang terpisah.

Selepas beberapa tahun kitorg dipisahkan dengan jarak yang jauh, aku jumpa dia balik. Tapi kenal gitu-gitu je la. Masa berlalu, entah macam mana Tuhan tautkan hati kami. Nak kata baru berkenalan, rasa macam dah kenal lama tapi baru sekarang aku dapat rasa kemanisan hubungan kami.

Walaupun aku dan dia mempunyai hubungan yang istimewa, kami tetap dipisahkan dengan jarak yang jauh. Sangat jarang dapat jumpa. Yang menghubungkan kami hanyalah YM dan sms. Tapi masing-masing sibuk, jarang dapat berborak-borak.

“Take care, Dina. Jangan lupa plan kita!! Aku masih menanti hari dapat spend time dengan kau,”

Masa tu, aku dah plan masa depan macam-macam dengan dia. Kahwin. Honeymoon. Tapi tak sampai beberapa bulan, aku dapat berita yang dia akan menamatkan zaman bujang dia. Aku tak tahu nak rasa apa. Rasa gembira ada. Tapi aku sedih sebab aku tak dapat nak bersama dengan dia lagi lepas ni. Baru je hubungan kami berputik, ada orang lain yang masuk line. Tapi apa aku boleh buat. Sebagai seorang kawan, aku sangat gembira. Tapi jauh di sudut hati, ada sedikit kesedihan.

“Dina, kau kawan pertama yang aku bagitau ni. Aku akan make sure kau free masa tarikh akad aku. Kalau tak, memang aku menangis kalau kau tak datang,”

Aku masih ingat kata-kata dia. Sejak aku dapat berita tu, memang aku tak sabar-sabar nak balik Malaysia. Aku dah bagitau mak aku suruh tempahkan baju istimewa untuk hari itu. Jauh mak aku pergi sampai ke KB untuk beli kain. Hehe.. Sejak aku dapat berita tu, aku sentiasa mengira saat dan detik waktu. Ramai orang nak buat appointment dengan aku masa cuti ni [cewah, bajet femes ke?] tapi aku kata aku tak free sebab nak spend time dengan dia sebelum dia bersama dengan orang lain. Walaupun aku rasa sedih dia akan diambil orang, tapi aku nak berada di sisi dia di waktu istimewa tu. Aku nak jadi saksi kepada saat-saat bahagia dia.

Aku bangga dengan dia. Sebab dia begitu tabah menghadapi segala dugaan dalam perjalanan menuju ke situ. Sekali sekala, dia akan mengadu dekat aku semua masalah. Dia akan cerita kat aku segala perkembangan.

“Thanx Dina, for always being there. Tiba-tiba rindu pulak dekat kau,”

Aku terharu. Aku terharu sebab dia pilih aku untuk kongsi segala masalah dia. Baru aku rasa manisnya hubungan kami. Tapi sayang. Kelak, dia sudah ada orang lain untuk berkongsi hidup dengan dia. Aku sedih sebab aku tak pasti sama ada dia akan menjadi tempat aku berkongsi masalah aku. Masa tu, mungkin dia ada hidup peribadi dia sendiri.

Namun, kita hanya merancang dan Allah adalah sebaik-baik Perancang. Apa aku dan dia rancang selama ni, kini hanya tinggal angan-angan yang tak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.

“Dear N, I’m sorry that I have to tell you this. As much as I’m disappointed about it, I know you will feel the same. I failed my exam. And I have to sit for the qualifying examination. I’m going back to Malaysia this Friday but I’ll be coming back for the exam next month. Unfortunately, my flight back to Malaysia will be on the same day as your special day. I’m sorry that I’m not going to make it. Aku sangat sedih :( but I’m sure it will be your happiest day, even without having me besides,“

Aku hanya mampu sms dia. Aku tak mampu nak call dia. Sebab aku tak mampu nak dengar suara dia. Aku tahu dia sedih. Tapi aku yakin dia faham dengan kesedihan aku sendiri. Lepas dia call aku semalam, terbayang-bayang wajah dia dalam kepala aku.

Walau sejauh mana kesedihan aku sebab tak dapat nak ada di sisi dia di waktu istimewa itu, walau sejauh mana kesedihan aku sebab tak dapat nak spend time dengan dia, Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk dia. Dan aku.

Biarlah ini menjadi satu kekecewaan bagi aku tapi yang penting, saat-saat yang bakal dia hadapi nanti akan menjadi satu kebahagiaan buat dia. Dan itu lebih membahagiakan aku.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Yesterday was a history. In one day, I had learnt so much that I won’t regret it even for a second. No matter how much tears I have shed, how much prayers I have recited, no one could ever replace the feelings I have inside. But that does not matter anymore. What really matters right now is to have a strong faith and hoping that He would accept all my time and energy that I have spent. Hoping that He would guide me to the right path. Hoping that one day, I will get my ultimate wish materialised. Dan itulah kebahagiaan yang teragung.

So, I’m going back this Friday. I know things won’t be the same now. I might be out of reach for a while. I want to exclude myself from all sorts of distraction. I want to spend most of my time with my family. I want to prepare myself for the better. And I want to shape myself into someone whom He can give His love to.

photo taken by KochiLochi™.

"Berserah sajalah kepada Allah. Allah Maha Mengetahui dan Dia tahu apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Kalau Allah tak kabulkan apa yg kita mahu, redha sahajalah dengan ketentuanNya. InsyaAllah Dia kabulkan doa kita pada waktu lain dgn sesuatu yg lebih baik atau dengan cara yang lebih baik. InsyaAllah.." - Thanx, R :)

This is it..

"Talking about this, there’s only one beliefs that I have a sturdy grip on that keeps me strong to walk on this road called ‘life’. The Fairness of The God Almighty. The more I believe in it, the more confident I’ll be. There’s nothing in this world can get into your way and destroy the path that you’ve been tracing all this while. Of course it doesn’t always work easily but that’s the thrill because you know that everything you do has no more than ONE BIG REASON. Itulah yang dikatakan dengan tujuan hidup hanya kerana Allah." - Close your eyes and get down to your heart.

So this is it. To be honest, I'm not really sure what to feel. Of course, aku dah puas nangis bila ckp dengan family td. Huhu.. But somehow, I expected worse. Perhaps because I have mentally prepared for it so I don't feel that bad. Alhamdulillah, I see this as a positive thing. I'm going back to Malaysia this friday anyway. But I'm coming back for the qualifying examination.

"Sabar ye Dina. Pasti ada hikmah di sebaliknya,"

"You have tried your best. This is the best for you that He has destined you for. Be strong,"

"He has a better plan for you, Dina. Kitorg semua doakan ko,"

Numbness. I really appreciate all those beautiful words and support from my friends. But all I'm looking forward is to going back and see my family. My strength, my spirit, is all with them. And HIM, of course. I don't know. I somehow feel He's here real close, counting my tears, listening to my prayers. I know He's there. And that is all what really matters right now.

All praise be to Allah. I hope He could make me a stronger person. I'm fine. I'm positive about it. I just want to see my family now :) I've been missing them so much.

All in all, this is not the end of the road anyway. In a way, I'm quite thankful for it to happen now, rather than tomorrow or in 10 years' time if you get what I mean. But everything has been written in The Book anyhow. Amat tidak wajar untuk aku berkesedihan atas satu sebab yang sangat kecil, terlalu kecil untuk aku dapat tiket ke SyurgaNya. So, I thank Allah for giving me this chance, for giving me this pathway, to bringing myself closer to Him :)

Alhamdulillah..

photo taken by Elysium Exposed.

"segala puji bagiMu ya Allah, yang pertama, tanpa ada yang mengawali, yang terakhir, tanpa ada yang mengakhiri, segala puji bagiMu ya Allah, yang memberiku kemampuan untuk mensyukuri nikmatMu."

p/s: To all my friends, especially M@i d@t @zh n qil@h, who have been praying and supporting me all this while, thank you so much [and congratulations as well ;)]. May Allah bless you guys and may He grant you with His love, now and forever :)

Lets face it

Just immediately after I opened my eyes, I saw nothing but whiteness. Nothing. It was all white and spotless.

“Ok gather here please” I heard a human’s voice following my awkwardness.

Then I saw this one group of people. Holding something that is not called as ‘scalpel’. No scrub. No medical equipment. But I noticed the spotlight though.

“Today you’re going to be a protégé. Each one of you will be assigned to one mentor and you’re going to have your own way of learning. Just ask anything you wish. Take this golden opportunity to make your dream come true. You’re going to have this one whole day. Use it wisely.”

Whiteness. But the people were there.

And I heard my name being called. “This is your mentor, Mr X. Follow him and he will teach you all the techniques that you need to know,”. He was tall and bald. All I could recognise was his smile. And a strap around his neck with ‘Canon’ being written on it.

I was in a whiteroom. And all I could remember from then onwards was the bright light of the flashguns.

Huh?

Aku mimpi aku jadik photographer belajar dengan mat saleh?

Gila.

Hari isnin ni keluar results. Tu je point aku. Tu je aku nak cakap.

Memang gila!

photo taken by anwarul hakim ahmad.

Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world..

Si Pelari Layang-Layang

A must watch movie:

If I must say, this movie is simply beautiful. The message behind it is very awe-inspiring. However, the downside is, it does not represent a good muslim lifestyle. Sangat obvious kot. Boleh jadi fitnah kepada Islam itu sendiri. Part tu memang aku agak insulted la tapi jalan cerita memang best. Part yang aku paling suka is masa Amir jan solat kat masjid kat Pakistan tu with Sami Yusof's song (Supplication) as the background music. Sangat 'cantik'!

All in all, cerita ni berjaya buat aku nangis. So maknenye best! :P

"Who are we in this complicated world?"

p/s: thanx to Qil@h for being the storyteller :D