The Hopeless Side of Me

3 years ago, I was in one of the most prestigious schools in Malaysia. Before I went to that school, I planted a hope in myself; a hope that made me keeping on wanting to become a better person in terms of my curriculum and co curriculum achievement. And at the same time; it was also a hope that I myself doubted over. I somehow knew I could never achieve that wish because it was only me who knew how far I could go and it was only me who knew my ability. And somehow, I foresaw it as an anticipation that could never be attained.

Nonetheless, when I stepped my feet on that school, I started to redevelop the wish that had been kept inside for quite a while. I felt the spirit being built up bit by bit. So when the nomination day for the new row of BWPs came up, I stepped forward and proposed myself as one of the candidates. I knew that the chances for me to win the election were very slim but I did not give up and kept on working hard on it and put my very best effort on it. But was it not my vocation, I lost the election. Because of having a trust in myself, I wasn’t that frustrated. I was elected to be one of the LDPs after all. And to be honest, I was the worse LDP if I must say. Hehe.. I let people go whenever there was a spotcheck or whatever. I didn’t really do the hostel checking every morning. I didn’t get involved in decision-making. I let other LDPs did almost every single thing. I was the bystander je la if that what people call. In short, I was only qualified to be the follower, not the leader.

Since my first sem in school, I had always wanted to get myself a 4 flat results. Being in a competitive environment, I had this feeling of wanting to exceed everyone [Well, who doesn’t?]. My best friend [ehem!! Heh..] always got 4 flat through out the 4 sems, why could I not? And then, time passed by. When the trial SPM was around the corner, I struggled all-out and strove like hell, just to get straight A’s because at that moment, I had this thought that trial was more important than the real one so that I could get scholarship earlier before my real SPM results came out. So I did get straight A’s for my trial. Unfortunately, the only scholarship offered using my trial results at that time was only MARA-Russia and MARA-UTP which were not even in my list [I’ve been wanting to study in UK since I was a kid]. I tried applying for Petr0nas but I didn’t get it as well.

I was a tad disappointed, but I accepted it as a positive way though. I looked my trial results as my spirit-lifter and deep down inside, I started to believe that it was not the end of the world. I started to have a hope that for the last sem in MR$M L@ngkawi, I could get 4 flat at least once. And towards the end of the year, ada jugak laa teringin nak dapat award for the Graduation Day. But having a better plan for me, Allah did not materialize my wish. I got 78 for my chemistry [the A band was 80], which was the deterrent to my dream and I wasn’t invested with any award. I didn’t see my chem. teacher and begging for another mark just to make it an A but I somehow satisfied and was grateful for whatever result I got. And Alhamdulillah, I got the best for my real SPM results. It was then I started to believe that He is the only decider no matter how far I went, how strong I was, how tough my stand was, He always has a better plan for me.

After I got the results, Mum and I started haunting the scholarships. And since I’m pursuing medicine, the only scholarship available was MARA. Being confined at home for seven months was quite killing me in a way. While some of my good friends were happy for getting their scholarships and couldn’t wait to fly off last February, I somehow felt disappointed for myself. Kadang2 rasa mcm penat and give up jugak la because then, there was no black and white on who’s gona sponsoring me. Dah la memang tak confident dengan interview MARA yang mcm siot, mmg rase mcm takde mase depan ah. The last resort like what Dad suggested was kahwin [Hahaha..Of course he had got to be joking]. As what the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. I finally got the scholarship and thank Allah [can’t stop myself from doing that], I was offered to go to KYU3M [of which I’m tired of bragging about. Hehh..]. And again, I knew whichever place I was thrown to; He has always decided the best for me.

Then, my life started to change. Being a KYU3Mian is not a simple thing to do. Living in a competitive environment, everyone is participating in the game. You can even feel the rivalry spirit within your best friend. You can never run away from it. And believe it or not, it is VERRRRY STRESSFUL. Imagine the thoughts of ‘I must win the game’ in each and every one’s mind; that is how the ambience I must live with in this 2-year life here. Here, I keep on having the thought of being a follower. I never came out to share my experience during the induction week [while others were running for the microphone]. I never had the guts to speak in front of a crowd. I never had the wills to argue with people. I never had the mettle to step forward. I was always being the onlooker and accept whatever people said. Until one day, someone came to me and said “Dina, I want you to run for the Student C0uncil”, and I was like “No way, man! That is the last thing I want to do..”. You know why? Because I’m an ego kind of person. I don’t want to lose the election again like what I had faced in Langkawi years ago. I don’t want to waste my time for something that is not meant for me.

But somehow or another, these people had made me believe that I could be one of the SCs. I don’t know how they made it but eventually, I agreed to run the Sports Exc0 for the Student C0uncil. So yea, there I was, standing in the crowd, giving out my worse manifesto ever. If I had the power of erasing all those bad moments off from my head, I would include that night. Horror gileee…So as a result, again, I lost. Luckily I wasn’t hoping that high so I was not that frustrated. After a while, I think I should be grateful for not winning the election because I know I could not do as great as what the SCs did. They are really meant for the posts.

Few weeks after the election day, Diam0nd ada buat election for house committee pulak. Before that, we had a shadow committee. Kire mcm future housecaptain sume laa. Time tu dod0e, azm!r and the gang belum step down lagi. I wasn’t in the shadow committee so I was not even hoping for any post in the house committee. Seriously, after I lost the election day, I had never seen myself as an important person in this college. What I hoped then was only to study hard and struggle for my studies. But much to my surprise, I was elected as the housecaptain. Serious tak sangka and I know being a housecapt means putting myself in jeopardy as I need to sacrifice A LOOOTTT especially my studies and my own leisure time for Diam0nd.

At first, I was quite proud of myself for finally getting a chance to be a leader, a dream that I had always wanted since in Langkawi but as time went by, I realized that the task was (or maybe even ‘is’) really not meant for me. I seriously don’t have the capability as a leader. I’m not like dod0e. She was a very great housecapt. Her unique way really inspired us. I always tried being like dod0e but it just didn’t work. I could never be someone else. I’ve never scolded people [not that dod0e always scolded us], people have never seen me in my ‘garang’ mode and I always accept whatever decision people make without having any guts to point out my own decision [sometimes laa..not always] and kadang2 terase jugak laa yang some of these people mcm somewhat pijak kepale jugak ar tapi aku serious tak geti nak marah orang. I’ve once had this thought of giving up my post but my other house committee did not allow me but seriously, if I were given another chance, I’d rather not accept this post. Bukan tak sayang Diam0nd tapi mmg tak boleh arr.. I could never be better than dod0e or Azm!r… And at right this moment, I really feel awful..

You know why? Because Sh@t berjaya buat Diam0nd juniors bersemangat gile babeng. Sikit2 nampak aku ckp ‘Go Diam0nd’ *Apakah??!!* And why sh@t berjaye buat diorang semangat? Sebab sh@t is my sports exco in the house committee and the interhouse games have just started so she wanted the juniors to take part and bersemangat for the house. Now, that’s more than good and I’m proud of her for making the juniors hyper-excited. The problem is, I can’t do like what she did. I don’t have the ability to naikkan semgt diorang. What I’m afraid now is that, the momentum would fall drastically once I’ve in charged of other events. And the upcoming event is the IAW and I myself feel doubt over my ability to drive their excitement forward. Memang rase mcm…. Aaaarrgghh tertekan!!!! Haaa lebih kurang mcm tu ah. Haih.. kdg2 rase nyesal gak tapi ntah arr.. But whatever it is, I know my committee will always support ar!ff [the male housecapt.] and me. They have been more than just friends and I’m very thankful for having them besides. It’s just me who lacks of confidence. That’s all…

I don’t know… Lately, I can feel myself changing. And if I may admit, nothing can really describe how much I miss the seniors especially him :( Wherever I go, always see his being around. Bukan hantu laa but you know, keep on imagining his presence. It’s really terrible to feel such feeling you know. But I think I’m doing better than what I expected. It’s just the acceptance that I need to grip upon and it’s very hard. What I hope for now is, I could live my life as happily as I can. And live a free-tension life!!!!!!!

I miss home… and him too :(

Follow your heart

Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe I believe I believe in you
Follow your dreams
Be yourself an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do
I believe I believe I believe in you

Complexity

It has been a while.. Waking up early in the morning everyday with thousands of things in head and dozing off verrrrryyy late at night just to complete those piling up assignments are just what I’ve been dreading of before the college started. The induction week for the juniors is going on okay so far. The juniors however are not really up to my expectation in terms of their approach towards the seniors and their awareness of the seniority. Not that I’m expecting them to greet me every time they meet me or whatsoever but respect is really what I’m seeking for in them. You just can’t stop from speculating once you’ve seen how they loom the seniors with such a very bad manner. Just imagine if there’s one neophyte meeting you up asking for a signature and you ask them a few questions [come onnnn…typical question like who the sponsor is, where their hometown and whatnot..] and they reply in such a way like “why do you wanna know?” or “why bother?”. Rase macam nak kene sepak kan??

Well, I don’t think these lunatics will do well in this college, seriously. Being ignorant doesn’t help, and I can guarantee you that. But so far, I don’t see any this kind of people in Diamond. Tapi dak2 Diamond mcm blur je sume. I’m not sure if they are the geek kind of people or maybe they are still adapting themselves but they just don’t show them off very much. I’m not asking them to be a braggart whatsoever but, you know, show some interest in joining the family la at least. Last Saturday we had this one introductory ceremony so they were divided into groups and were given 10-15 minutes to discuss and prepare a performance. Not really a performance that require practices or whatever, just introduce themselves in the most interesting way. What we did last year was sketches, pantomimes and singings but this time around, none of them did a sketch and most of them just simply came out and introduce themselves in the lamest way I’ve ever seen [tak supportive punye housecapt! Haha..] but seriously, I was expecting more. Tapi takpela, I don’t want to discourage them so I pretended like they did a good job. Well, some of them really did great tapi most of them agak membosankan la.. In a way, I really think I’m being very judgmental about them, I know and it's too soon. Agak la tak baik senornye. Heh.. But I hope they will change la. Tanye sports ape diorg terer main pon, sume tak geti main sports!! Takkan nak suruh aku masuk sume interhouse match kot. Mati ar beb…. Haish..

And…

There’s one guy, a somewhat problematic student. Name die an@s. At first, I thought he’s the kind of kurang ajar with no manner at all and I was really not pleased for him to be one of the Diamonders. He skipped the first two morning exercises, he came late in every event, he smoked, he just didn’t even bother what was happening around him and he didn’t even know I’m the housecaptain of Diamond [padahal I was the one who talked in front of them during the introductory ceremony as the housecapt] and for sure he didn’t even know that I’m one of the facilitators. The counselor had called him twice [baru masuk brape hari dah kene panggil counselor!] and dah kene lecture dgn housemaster. So in a way I really have this bad impression towards him.

But was I wrong, after some times and after some chats, he’s not like what I thought he was. He’s a private student [and of course anak orang kaye gile babeng ah kan..]. He has never been away from home since he was a child. He’s been schooling in private school since standard one and he is really a mommy’s boy. So, it’s understood why he behaved such way. Yesterday, during the sports and club demonstrations, I saw him sitting alone, berehat2 bawah kipas while others were walking around the sports center [we called it MPH-Multi Purpose Hall]. So I came to him and you know, bertegur sapa la. And then, after a while, we chatted and he traded his feelings and shared his experience. You know what, I really feel honored to be the one whom he told everything to. Not everything la but he really was telling me why he behaved such way, why he could not accept the fact that he’s being away from home and whatnot. He told me that he’s good in foosball and he’s participated in various tournaments in KL, he told me about his previous life, about his working experience in hartamas, about his enjoyable life before he came into this college. At first, before I came to him and engaged him in conversation, I thought talking to him was something that I needed to trudge through, to change him in a way. But it wasn’t that hard. He’s really a nice guy.

Sometimes, it makes me think that this kind of person with such sophisticated character, they need times to get used to everything and people must give them chance to adapt to a new environment. What happened to ana@s was, people judged him too early so macam2 la orang buat speculation, just like what I did at first. Moving away from his comfort zone requires him enormous determination and strength of mind in order to survive in this college. So, siapa lagi nak bagi dia semangat if not friends, seniors and teachers kan? But the approach must be appropriate laa. Like an@s, he doesn’t like people being harsh to him. Lagi orang berkasar, lagi die degil and kurang ajar. Sikit2, lama2 dia belajar la macam mana life kat sini. And I can bet you, he’ll find this place as the best place for him to spend his 18months in and I can tell, he’ll share his valuable experience to his junior taun depan.

On the whole, what I really think I have to do is to give them chance and let them learn on themselves about a life here. And for sure……I miss the seniors so much :( Just can’t wait to see them again this August during the release of their results. And really looking forward to see happy faces again :)

A piece of a great colossus of art. How superb...

Not as simple..

Ok..so now I feel like shooting my head off!! Sakitnye hatikuuuu!!!

Well, actually, I’m currently working on the simpleviewer, the one I was talking about last time. It took me almost 3 days to figure everything out so yea, I finally got what I want. And then, in order to put it on the net, I need to transfer everything via FTP Programme. Having no idea at all what that FTP thingy is all about, I asked my sifu as usual and yea, he told me where to download all those stuff and yada yada yada. So, I got one for myself. Fine..

The problem rose when it comes to using that stuff out. Bajet ah, tak pernah tahu ape kebendenye bende alah tu, tibe2 keluar segale makhluk asing yang memeningkan kepale. After doing some searching, ok, then I knew how to use it. Another problem rose when I need to get connected to my ftp site bla bla bla.. Punyela pening kepale nak carik ftp site la bla bla.. Dah brape juta web hosting aku sign up. Hahahaha.. Mula2 guna tripod, advert je lebih, cam siot gile.. Then after almost 4 days of wasting my time [tido kol 4 5 pagi just to make everything done as soon as possible. Hek!], last2, I found out that ripway [file sharing service that I’ve been using for almost a year now] offers ftp account. Pekong gile!!! Buang mase je carik last2 baru tahu ripway ade ftp account. Sakit hati betul.. [mesti encik sifu gelak bace bende ni…takpe2, usaha tangga kejayaan. Hekyah!!]…

FEWWWHHHH..

So, what I was planning to bring about is this. These are one of the finest pictures I’ve ever seen and nothing can really describe how I feel when looking at them. You know what, I am supposedly writing my personal statement presently, before the college starts. So, you know, I need to concentrate and try to write with as full of passion as possible. When you write something very important, something that will determine your future, you really want it to be perfect and make it sounds as convincing as it can. So what you need to do before get it started is do some research, study the personal statement samples and whatnots. I WAS ABOUT to get it started days ago but seriously, it’s daym hard man! The photography stuff seems to look more important than anything else. Like nothing in this world matters, I worked my ass off with this bit of a farce, which it ends up with a tad of regret. But in a way, I feel somewhat fulfilled though, get to learn new things and all. That is what opportunity cost is all about, the highest valued alternative foregone in the pursuit of an activity [econs la pulak..Heh..].

So, at the end of the day, I come out with this. It’s nothing as good, I know but I feel the improvement though. Got to work extra hard next time. But not within the nearest time of course, I have to handle induction week for the incoming juniors right after the college starts and then for the last two semesters in kyu3m, I need to go all-out beb.. No time to play around maaa.. Takde dah photography2 lagi. Haks..

Anyways, I’ll be going back to college tomorrow *sob sob* Supposedly I usually pulled off dari rumah at 8pm but tomorrow I need to move at 8am instead, have some programmes with Pn. R0g before qualified to be the facilitator for the induction week. Huhu sadis… Gonna miss home so badly as usual. Hehe.. And of course, nazme, effa and aida :(

p/s: Yesterday was encik sifu's birthday. Happy 24th birthday, uncle! Thanx for all your helps :) Heh..

How stewpid is that?

3 years ago in a library of a school in Langkawi.. while I was thumbing through friendster pages..

‘Aik? Sejak bila h@nim kawan dgn Max?’

So I asked her. She said..

‘Oh, sorry I didn’t tell you. Kitorang dah lama dah kawan. Ada jugak msg dengan dia. Eyh, he’s a nice guy laa.. He always mentions good things about you..’

Too stumped and bewildered to do or act anything, I said succinctly, ‘Oh…’

‘What did he tell you?’

‘Macam2…I didn’t know he’s orang penang jugak. Mak dia orang Gelugoq’

‘Oh eh??? He never told me about that..’

‘You tak pernah tanya kot..’

‘Memang..’ [I know I was a bad and useless gf. No need to remind me of that..]

Few months after that.. the fairy tales ended. Because…I lied to him. I was sitting for my spm trial. I didn’t want to be disturbed and got distracted, so I told him I didn’t bring my handphone [which I actually did. Selfish, I know]. One day, while I was doing some revision in my class, I got a missed call. An international number. And then I got an sms with that number. ‘Hai dina. Tengah buat apa?’ I thought it was Abg @mir. And so, reply I did, ‘Tengah study bio’. And then…… kekantoian bermula.. He replied ‘Owh, mesti seronok tipu orang kan? –Max’

Hahahaha Dina kantoi!! OUCH~

In between, we had some falling-outs and blaming-each-other sessions. Lying to him [well, anyone actually] was a terrible thing to do, I tell you. Regardless what the intention was [which he never would understand], whether it was a white lie or not, the guiltiness inside really killed me to death. But I had my own life [and he had his..], we both walked out on each other, leaving the history folded up and kept at the deepest place, with a hope that it will never be unwrapped again. I lived my life normally and so did he. When I found out about his new gf and the rumours about him getting engaged, frankly, I felt a tinge of….well, should I say jealousy? In a way, agak laa but I was happy and felt glad for him anyway. He really deserved ya$min and he seemed to like Sarawak, her hometown so much. Heh...

When other people brag about being ‘clean and untouched’ [well, some of my friends really do. Not to say that I’m not clean and has been touched! I have a strong pride inside, really], I never accept ‘Max’ as a mistake. Well, in a way, I do because I basically lied to everyone. Be it my family, him [a very wrong person to be paid back, honestly], and myself [the worse..]. But to tell you the truth, the history [him, in particular] makes me a better person, a grown-up who knows and has experienced something that other of her friends have not. I now see things in a more positive way and I learned not to ever lie to my boyfriend anymore even over the simplest matter [hahaha!]. I learned to be more open and straightforward, I learned that life is about give-and-take and I learned that every problem has its own solution, no matter how hard it is.

While other people [talking about people around me] scratch their heads about problems they have with their partners, or about how to reply weird messages they got from a secret admirer, or about choosing the right person, I always have my own mirth, knowing that action does not guarantee everything. Well, I’m not saying that I’m happy while other people are in a mess but when some of these people keep on saying things like ‘Nasib baik aku tak pernah ada pakwe. Sejarah aku putih lagi’ and too proud of that, I actually feel really pity for them for not having a chance to be exposed to a more meaningful experience. But it’s not their fault though. They will have their own time to learn all that and that’s just a simple life is all about, an unending lesson. Cumanya, takyah ar nak bangga2 sangat kan? And in a way makes me look like a fool with a ‘black history’ so to speak.

But anyhow…let’s just keep that to them.

Last week, while I was in Penang and when I came across ‘Gelugoq’ signboard, all those uninvited past events made an ambush on me. To be honest to myself, I really regret for letting a FRIEND go even though that is not what I really asked for. But unfortunately, that was what he chose; breaking a bond that once had coalesced. He changed everything, from his handphone number to his e-mail address. It means to say that he’s totally gone and I really haven’t the remotest idea how to contact or reach him. I’ve known him since 6 years ago and I have to say that he was not like other guys. He was special in his own way. It was just that we lacked of understandings and things that he wanted were opposed to what I wanted. But being me, I really believe and put a high hope in friendships. To me, once a friend, forever a friend. But that’s not how his perception goes.

So when I was in Penang, I thought of searching for him from a scratch; whichever way I have. I searched him in friendster [just like how I met Aimr@n back after 7 years of missing. I made a new account just for this stupid purpose. No, I’m not going to activate it again..] but as ever, it was in vain. I searched all his friends that I know from A to Z but zilch was only I got [maybe I got the name spelled wrongly]. Ntah macam mana, I remembered kak N@em, Max’s friend’s girlfriend [fewh~] and dia ada dalam search list tu! So I added her as my friend.

The stupid thing was………I messaged her.

‘Hai kak n@em. Nak tanye, alamat UGM ape? I got a friend there tp dah lama tak contact so I was thinking of writing HER a letter or whatever. Do you know ya$min? She’s probably in her 3rd or 4th year..’

I have no idea why I wrote that. Hahaha.. The funny part is, kak n@em did not even ask who I was [a complete stranger who has nobody in her friend list!! Kuikui..] and replied..

‘Helo.. ada sorang tu nama ya$min. Orang Sarawak. Ya$min yang putih2 ke? Dia 4th year clinical sekarang [Max must be in the same year jugak la kan..] Alamat ugm? Alamak, tak ingat laa.. nanti akak msg balik..’

And a few minutes later, she gave me the address. And I replied..

‘Aik? Salah orang kot. The one whom I talked about is orang penang [I just wrote that unintentionally! Serious tak tipu!]. Ha’ah putih2 pakai specs [no, ya$min does not wear specs tapi sebab nak cover, kene la tipu sket! Heh..]. Salah orang kot..takpe laa.. Maybe orang lain. But thanx for the add anyway..’

‘Rasanya dah takde ya$min lain dah. Boyfriend dia orang penang la..[shite!!! Kenapa mesti cakap pasal bf die!!!]’

Jeng jeng jeng……

‘Oh.. actually I’m not sure which u she’s in, either ugm or Univ. Ha$anuddin [cover2!! bajet gile!! Haha..] maybe my friend to dekat u lagi satu kot..takpe la kak n@em, thanx for all the info. All d best in life..’

And she hasn’t replied anything yet..

The bottom line is, I feel really STEWPID! Now, I’m regretting for starting everything in the first place and I’m not going to send anything to the address. Let bygone be bygone la kan? I should have done anything!! See, this is when stupidity outstrips the intelligence! Bodoh kan?? Tu la dina… Terlalu ikut hati dan perasaan.

DRAT!

I hope she doesn’t tell ya$min. And I hope he’s happy. Maybe I’m expecting a wedding invitation card? Who knows?

Another shot taken by me..

Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other

INT. JACKIE'S LIVING ROOM - CHRISTMAS MORNING

White Christmas outside the window. Richly trimmed tree, presents everywhere, carols softly playing. The whole nine yards. Luke and Ben standing at a wrapped bird cage, where a dove is cooing inside. Annabelle is setting out the cocoa with a uniformed nurse.

Rachel enters. Kisses Annabelle's head.

RACHEL: I'm gonna check on Mom.

Goes down the hall, every emotion in the world is playing across her face. Into...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. JACKIE'S BEDROOM

Jackie lies on her death bed. She is beautiful and near the end. Despite the IV tube, the monitor, she's gotten to serenity after all. As close as any of us will ever get.

RACHEL: Hey, gorgeous. Time for the presents?

Jackie licks her lips. Pretty dry. Rachel takes a cotton lemon swab from the nightstand. Tenderly, cleans Jackie's mouth.

RACHEL: Now Edna says you short-changed your last meds. You can do presents and be comfortable at the same time, y'know.

JACKIE: (clears her throat) Just want to be a little sharper. For a few minutes.

A few minutes...

JACKIE: Some things to say. To the kids,huh?

Smiles.

JACKIE: Then, bring in the presents. We'll have big fun.

Rachel can't really bear this.

RACHEL: You know, there's nothing you have to say. Because they know your heart. You don't have t..

JACKIE: Just sit me up. Nice and tall. Bring Benjamin first.

Staring at each other. Then Rachel reaches her arms around Jackie, and as gently as she can manage, lifts her to a full sitting position.

JACKIE: Scrapbook.

Rachel brings the big book. Lays it on the bed. And goes.

Jackie begins to turn the pages. Her life with these children passing before her eyes. No tears. No smile. Just full attention. Fingertips touch the one she was looking for, as...

The door opens. Ben, hesitant, enters alone. His mother's face is fine and strong and smiling.

JACKIE: Find the bird cage?

BEN: (standing there) Rachel says it's from you.

JACKIE: Well, don't make him disappear before I see him.

Ben nods. She glances to the scrapbook...

JACKIE: Oh, look at this.

And forgetting his uneasiness, he runs over, climbs onto the bed. Jackie doesn't wince, doesn't even blink. Nothing for his memory bank but smiles. He looks at the photo...

...Jackie holding a spunky newborn.

JACKIE: That's you and me. Our first photo as a couple.

He nods. Really staring at it.

BEN: Did you know I was good-looking right away?

She reaches to hold his face in her hand. Stares in his eyes.

JACKIE: This good-looking. Was beyond my imagination.

She leans. Kisses his lips lightly. How many more times will she get to do this?

JACKIE: (a murmur) So what do you think we're gonna talk about?

BEN: (straight back) You dying.

She nods. Her smile is right there.

JACKIE: The secret of it. That only magicians. Can ever understand.

His eyes brighten. The sadness pushed aside.

JACKIE: See, when we die. Our body goes away. Our body. But we...we are not our body, are we?

He doesn't know. Maybe he thought we were.

JACKIE: If a soldier loses his legs in a war. Is he the same guy? Sure he is.

BEN: But you can still see him.

JACKIE: Half. Of him.

This is so farking hard. But her eyes stay dry.

JACKIE: Dying. Is where the whole body goes away. So you can't see any of it. But...

Rests her hand tenderly. On his hair.

JACKIE: What do magicians know?

Leans forward. Here's the secret...

JACKIE: Just because you can't see it. Doesn't. Mean. It's gone.

Does it? And Ben smiles. He is inside the secret.

JACKIE: The world. Thinks I'm gone. But only the magician. Knows better.

BEN: So where are you?

She was waiting for this. For a long time. She wraps her hand around his fist. And puts their hands against his heart.

JACKIE: (a whisper) Right here. Right here. Inside the magician. Shhhh.

BEN: Can I talk to you? When you're there.

JACKIE: Always. Always. And you won't hear a voice. But in here. You'll know. What I'm saying. Yes, you will.

BEN: It's not good enough.

JACKIE: No, it isn't. Because it isn't everything. And we want everything, don't we?

He nods. They do.

JACKIE: But God does let us keep the one best thing we have together. The one best thing we've always had. Know what it is?

He doesn't. But he wants to.

JACKIE: I love you. And you love me.

Comes closer. Nose to nose.

JACKIE: It's worth a lot. Will you keep it?

He answers. With a kiss.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Luke and Annabelle are doing a hugely complex jigsaw puzzle. Ben runs in, falls on his knees by the puzzle. Without looking at Annabelle, he tells her...

BEN: Your turn. It wasn't bad.

Annabelle looks straight to her dad. There is a moment, a silence, that no one else could ever understand. She leans to him and whispers...

ANNABELLE: Here it is?

His eyes water. He takes her in his arms. Whispers close to her ear, only the words...

LUKE: Here it is.

She smiles at him. Fear gone, filled with resolve. Gives him a kiss. Rises, to...

...follow Rachel down the hall. Rachel wraps an arm around her big girl. No words, except a murmured...

RACHEL: You can do this.

Voice cracking. She's not as good at it as this girl's mother.

RACHEL: You can do anything.

At the door. Open it, and...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. JACKIE'S BEDROOM

..Annabelle enters alone. The door closes behind her. Her eyes lock with her mother's. No words. Annabelle's eyes filled with tears, and Jackie's arms...

... reach out, and Annabelle runs to them.

They hold each other. For a forever moment.

ANNABELLE: I don't want to say goodbye.

JACKIE: Don't. Take me with you.

And Annabelle looks up. Tears on her face.

JACKIE: Thank God. I got to see you. Grown up.

ANNABELLE: I'm not.

JACKIE: (very softly) Let me be the judge of that.

And Annabelle climbs onto the bed. Their hands never stop touching each other. Saying I love you.

JACKIE: There's an amazing thing when a woman has a daughter. One day you look up, and you see...a sister. Someone. You can say. Anything to. Anything..

JACKIE: I wrote a whole lot of letters. To each of you. And the envelope says when to open it. Like, which birthday. Or...when you get your driver's permit. First time you see Rome. Things like that.

Things like that. Annabelle is beginning to lose it now. So Jackie says only...

JACKIE: Keep Ben's for awhile, okay? Until he's old enough to not open them all at once.

ANNABELLE: Until he's old enough to read.

Tears on Annabelle's face. Her mom wonders...

JACKIE: Are you afraid for me? Where I'm going.

ANNABELLE: Yes.

JACKIE: Don't be. I'm going. Where we all go. Now how can that be bad.

ANNABELLE: I'll miss you so much.

JACKIE: Good. That's very good.

She nods, yes it is.

JACKIE: What you're grown-up enough to know. Is that people. Can do two things at once. Okay?

She brushes at her baby's tears. Then tastes her wet fingertips. Mmmn, surprisingly good. Annabelle sort of smiles.

JACKIE: You can miss me. And. Take me with you.

Hold the child's face. In her hands.

JACKIE: When you're in trouble. Have me there. When you fall in love. Have me there. You can.

Said with such absolute assurance.

JACKIE: That's how we go on, you know. Forever. Because someone takes us along.

Annabelle swallows hard.

JACKIE: On your wedding night. When your babies are born. I want to be there. Will you take me?

A straight question. It needs an answer.

ANNABELLE: Always, always. Always

A sigh. A shared smile.

JACKIE: You made my life wonderful.

JACKIE: Take that with you, too.

Hold. On Annabelle...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT

Lights and music and laughter. They're in black tie tonight. It's a wedding party. Up on the stage, at the head table, some guy is finishing a toast, and as everyone roars and claps...

BEST MAN: ...so TO THE BRIDE! Thank GOD she's more than he deserves!

Everybody shouts THE BRIDE. Everybody drinks champagne.

And the bride stands up. In her white gown. In her hand, an envelope. She goes to the mike, and waits for the raucous cheers, the calls of speech!, to die down.

Leans to the mike. Flushed and happy. And, oddly, nervous.

RACHEL: Now I know the tradition, so this isn't a toast. At least... not for me.

RACHEL: The guest list is 114. But we all know there's one more here, tonight. Because...

Looks down the table at her children. Dressed to kill. Enjoying the party.

RACHEL: ..my two sidekicks there always bring her along. Wherever they go.

RACHEL: So Jackie and I were sitting around. On New Year's Eve. And she said, 'You're not gonna talk at my funeral, are you?'

And now. It is quiet indeed.

RACHEL: And I said, 'I've never been to a funeral. I'm not sure I'll know how to act...'

Her sweet smile. Keeps the mood right.

RACHEL: '...but I'll prob'ly sneak into where you are. Just before it's over...'

Nods to herself. Fights back the feeling of that moment.

RACHEL: '...say something. Just to you. Get the last word in, when you can't talk back.'

There is laughter in this room. Gentle, loving.

RACHEL: So she says, 'No way.'

Holds up the envelope. Holds it tight.

RACHEL: She wrote this. She sealed it up, I didn't see it. She made me promise to read it. At the wedding.

And slowly, Luke begins to clap. And others join. And when it stops...

RACHEL: I told her she'd better make it dirty, or make it funny. Because... no way...on my wedding...

No way in hell.

RACHEL: ...could she make me cry.

Applause. They are loving it.

RACHEL: She says, 'It's a deal'.

The band plays an impromptu FLOURISH. Rachel begins to carefully tear open the envelope...

RACHEL: Now, if it's too raunchy, we may have to excuse the kids...

Shouts from everyone, especially the children.

She has it open. She looks at it.

And everything. Stops.

The world watches her sway, watches her eyes fill as she stares at the small card in her hand. She can't believe this...

RACHEL: (mouths to herself) You promised.

The tears are welling. Everyone screams for her to read it. She leans to the mike, shaking her head...

RACHEL: It's...no big thing, really... it's just...five words, it's...

The place goes happily up for grabs. A joyful riot of demand. Tears streaming now, Rachel fumbles to pull up her white beaded bag. As she puts the card inside, we alone can read the words...

MY BABIES. ARE SO LUCKY.

When the Nature sings

I AAAAMMMM SOOOOO HAPPPPYYYY!!!!

Why?

Because I have a new boyfriend!! Finally!! Hahaha.. Yep yep.. He sms-ed me this morning and he finally made his confession. After centuries waiting, I knew he’d give in. Nevertheless, I know commitment is not something easy and simple. When you want to start giving commitment, there is when sacrifice that I’ve said before comes in. It might look trouble-free and effortless as you’re actually dealing with someone you love and someone who loves you but the truth is, it is not as straightforward as you think. Once you’ve involved in such situation, loads of things you need to consider and take care of.

Errmmm…ermmm…

Ok la, I know I’m very lame at lying. I’m crapping like shite, I know. Hahaha.. Buruk gile perangai…

No laa.. I’m still single and available laaaa [can’t imagine how you ppl would react. “Haaa?? Dina ade pakwe?? Mimpi ape ni?” Haha..]

So… the trip was fantastic. Although we didn’t really go to so many places but jalan2 naik kereta beemer was a WOW!! We went to Penang Hill but didn’t go up there because the next trem trip was unfortunately in 2hours’ time so along ima decided to go to the bird park laa and whatnots. The funny part is, along ima misread the map. So, last2 dari Penang Hill balik Georgetown balik and only to find that all the parks were not smack bang in the middle of the town [bird park dekat tengah2 bandar?? Apakah?] so in the end, we just went to Batu Feringhi [if it’s not misspelled] and lepak2.

I think I’ve fallen in love with the beach laa. Serious.. I could just sit there, doing nothing, listen to the sound of the waves, counting the waves, the birds, taking pictures like a crazy person and just relax!! I mean, I can’t get that anywhere else!! It’s like, having a tryst with my own and only world! Eceyh poyo laa pulak. Dulu, somebody asked me, which place I’d prefer to stay; at the side of the beach or at the top of a hill. I used to like both places. But since God-knows-when, I feel so belonged to the beach, makes me feel so calm and comfortable. Ni yang tak boleh apply univ kat tepi laut ni, confirm tak belaja, buat course photography plak nanti. Haha.. So yea, I took some pictures..

So.. jeng jeng jeng.. here comes the best part!

Firstly, I took one of the best pictures I’ve ever taken. And then, I edited the picture. YES!!! I EDIT THE PICTURE BEB![tapi takde laa lawa mane..Haha..] So it looks way much better than the original one. Not to say that I’m a bad photographer la kan [memang pun..Haha..] but the fact that the pictures that I TOOK are not like mine others, I feel sooo contented. Hehe.. But not by using Phot0shop laa. My Phot0shop skill is like…blerrgggh. I used another software. Photo Editor ape ntah. But not that bad laa..

Secondly…I can now use the ‘lightbox’!!!! Happy tak terkate beb!!! Penat aku duk depan laptop nih berjam2. Balik2 je penang terus switch on the laptop and bersengkang mate. Finally, I did it :) Nyeh2..Dah nak dekat 2jam tersengih lebar ni. Hehe.. So, here are the pictures. If you want to know what the ‘lightbox’ is [but wait until the page is completely loaded], click on the image and, VOILA!! Enjoy the pics :)

Sooo..in conclusion, my boyfriend is missing in action. Hehe.. Owh, talking about my boyfriend, I came across a BENTLEY beb! It was on the highway and Abg N0rman was speeding at about 180km/h [agak laa membawa maut tapi naik beemer tak rase ah. Heh..] and then, from afar, there came my boyfriend. He sped with elegance and traveled at breakneck speed and…I just got the thrill. 200km/h siot! Memang cun gile ah. Coincidentally, the owner of the car is Along ima’s friend’s brother. Along ima punye kawan tu naik Ferrari. Hahaha…Bapak toke balak beb, mane tak kaye. Yang rase macam nak menjerit tu, Along Ima asked her friend [he’s a doctor and currently doing his masters somewhere in UK so bajet ah kalau naik Ferrari tapi…], ‘So, what does your brother do?’. And he answered, ‘Nothing..spending the money’. Cis!!! Doing nothing and driving a Bentley???! Yep, itulah Dunia. Well, at least it comes as a gentle reminder kan? So, I’m not that thrilled anymore. I’m still engrossed with photos. Heh..

Ok, I’m done and need my rest. Till then.. Nite!

Cuti-Cuti Malaysia

I first started involving myself in the cyber world when I was a bout 12 (having an email, chatting and e-kuzing are lumped together). It was as of then I knew some of my friends of who are still in contact. Throughout those years, I got to know some new stuff and gained quite a lot.

Then, the moment I started to endeavor to blog, I came to learn all those coding and html stuff all by myself. Well, figuratively, I called for helps from a few people but most of the time I decided everything on my own. If it’s lawful for me to copy people’s masterpieces (I’m not talking about template laa.. I know nothing about web-designing, I admit), I would have done that sooner but I found that seeking for things and put them up in piece all according to what I like and what I feel good about is something that can’t be received from other people. After months and years of hassles, then I learnt the word ‘garner and harvest’. Superficially, it doesn’t appear to be that of use. Maybe to other people, it doesn’t. But nobody tastes the good but me ;p

So Lupi wants to have his own photoblog. Perhaps it’s to give his friend and friends an easy access to his current updates. I don’t know. But he is surely gonna need my help. He’s such an illiterate, I tell you. Huhu.. Oh by the way, I bet some of you might have recognised this template. Yep, need a new atmosphere. But maybe it's just only for a while. The 'chair in the snow' is still my fav. Heh.. And I'm currently learning on the 'lightbox'. Have been sitting for hours in front of this laptop, figuring out how to use it. Wait until I give up, I'll ask for help. Hehe.. But it's kinda exciting, really.

Anyway, my 2-week holiday is moving on apace. Have been said that another week left is for me to be more pedantic, particularly for my UC@S application. Out of 4 universities I’m allowed to apply to, I only have one in mind. I’m still of two minds over the other three. Haih…and persona| statement lagi. Agak laa cuak di situ. Oh, and I’ve been contemplating to learn s0ny vega$ basic stuff. The other day, kat te|uk rubi@h, my group was the only group to present picture slideshow. Group lain buat video presentation. Terasa bodoh jugak ar tak geti gune movie maker kan. Hahaha.. So was I that keen, I sms-ed imr@n, mintak tolong ajar (he’s somewhat a pro laa..) tapi dah 2 minggu cuti, asyik x jadi je pegi umah die. Huhu.. last2 belajar sendiri je ah. It’s not that hard I guess. Hopefully laa.. Heh..

So I guess that’s about all for now. I need to take my bath. Along Ima will be picking me and icah up kejap lg. We’re gona have a dinner at alamand@ and tomorrow we’ll be going off to penang for hols!!! Fewh..at least I really need that before the happiness ends *sob sob* Take care, people!

Sahabat

"Ku mencintai sahabatku dengan segenap jiwaku. Sahabat yang baik adalah seiring denganku dan menjaga nama baikku ketika aku hidup dan selepas aku mati. Hulurkan tangan kepada sahabatku untuk berkenalan kerana aku akan merasa senang. Semakin ramai sahabat, semakin aku percaya pada diri. Aku selalu berharap mendapat sahabat sejati yang tak luntur baiknya dalam suka dan duka. Jika aku dapat, aku ingin setia padanya.." - Imam Syafie

p/s: Happy 19th Birthday, Thirah :)

Lullaby

When I was about to email my friend;
“Oits..lame tak dgr cite!…”

Had it incomplete, I saved it as a draft. And without clicking on the ‘send’ button, she called me last night.

“Oooo dina, sombong sekarang eh!”

xxxxx

I was cleaning up my room. And as I rummaged through all those boxes, I bumped into Mu$taqim, my former school’s magazine. I remembered my friend on the spot, knowing that she’ll be coming home from aussie soon. And there she goes, she left me a message on the shoutbox :) kewl la beb. Hehe..

xxxxx

I was thinking of sms-ing my friend for other friend’s num;
“Ne|i, ade no sh@h tak?aku nak tanye die pasal promotion tu..”

And as I was about to click the ‘send’ button, my email alert sound went off.

Inbox (1)
“From: Him
To: Me and others..

….yada yada yada… do contact sh@h at 017-XXXXXXX”

“So do you believe in ‘chemistry’?”
“Well, I do believe in it and still trying to keep it strong. But when it comes to him, I need and have to do otherwise. If I need to pretend and lie to myself, so I’ll let it be. Perhaps that’s the best way out. Don’t really have many choices, do I?”
“But if you really do have a strong believe in it, you don’t have to pretend”
“No.. I have to. Exception does take place once in a while..”
“Is it hurt?”
“So much. But bearable. He gives me the strength somehow”
“To pretend and lie to yourself?”
“*chuckles* yea..in a way”
“But for how long?”
“Maybe it’ll take a few weeks..or months..or perhaps years. It depends. But I really hope it to end now.”
“Hah..you choose it to be that way, missy. Remember? But don’t worry, I know you’ll get over everything. You’re tough, I know”
“I hope sooo.. Thanx dude..”
"You'll give yourself a chance? I mean, you don't want to get stuck in the dark, do you?"
"*laugh* of course I will!"
"You're ready to move on?"
"It's not a simple thing to do, you see. I need to stay in the recovery room for a while. But yea, I have my own stars to reach."
"If so, you need to keep yourself contented and make sure you take your medicine on time. You surely don't want to be obsessed, right? Grab this chance ok?"
"Yea, I certainly will. Hey..thanx a lot yea :)"
"Don't be. You can count on me"

Sacrifice...

…is when you give up something that is valuable to you in order to help other person especially the one that you love and care the most. You won’t have the guts to sacrifice such precious thing until you know that it’s not the value that matters so much but the amazing feeling that you get when you see the ones that you love are at their highest peak of life.

Sacrifice appears to be anywhere especially when there are trust, hope and love. One might be contemplating over people he/she wants to sacrifice things for but no matter how hard the decision needs to be made, there will always bliss ahead. I used to believe in it. Even until now. To me, the happiest moment in one’s life is when he/she has made the greatest sacrifice just for the sake of other people especially when they least expect it. That’s the true happiness. Yet again, although it differs from one thought to another, it always brings about the same theme.

Sacrifice is made because it’s believed to have the ability to generate the contentment that sometimes could never be formed through other elements. When you want to be a great professional photographer, you need to invest and sacrifice so many things along the way. When you want to become a doctor, you need to sacrifice your whole life just to see other people get what they deserve in life. When you want to be a great true friend, you need to sacrifice your patience, serenity and understanding. When you want to become a great person, you need to sacrifice everything in your life, even if it’s the most hurtful thing to do. With all the wills you have, you lighten other people’s paths, you grab the falling hands, you lend your noble heart and you touch other people’s souls. Once you’ve done everything you need to, it’s all about satisfaction that speaks louder than anything.

And so… I’m in a process of learning on how to sacrifice myself for other people, especially the ones that can’t be replaced by anybody, the ones that have taught me so much about appreciation of my life, the ones who have given me endless help and support, the ones who have had falling-outs with me just to make sure I get what other people don’t, the one who simply have done and sacrificed everything for me.

Since I’ve accepted the lost, the truth, I know I’ve made one of the greatest sacrifices in my life. Maybe in a short run, I feel terrible and full of pretence but in a longer run, nobody knows the fulfillment and pleasure I’m about to face.

"...And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out. And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion." 65:a part of ayat2 and ayat3