Of Suicidal Attempt

My disease is getting on me even worse. I’ll be having my last [yes, LAST!] trial paper tomorrow and it’s C-H-E-M-I-S-T-R-Y people, not pendidikan seni or reka cipta! B@d texted me, “Wei nak bace ape for chemistry ni?” and I didn’t know what to reply because I was so blur. I should’ve reminded myself for that. I haven’t prepared anything for tomorrow. This time for real.

I was intending to do just like what I did during my form 2 geography semester exam when I was a good ‘shooter’. That was when sesi tembak menembak take place. I didn’t even read the questions. All I did was circle the letter A,B,C,D in the right order from the first question to the last and only to find that I was the only one failed when the rest of the class got an A. But being a college student and yes, chemistry paper5 is not an MCQ paper, that is just not a clever thing to do so yea, I’ll just let my writings do the work.

I’ve been sitting here in front of my laptop and reading craps like nothing else matters for hours so I shouldn’t be expecting to walk out of the hall with a big smile of joy on face. Am I putting myself in trouble? Well, maybe I am but I don’t know. I just cannot push myself with even an extra slight force. But it’s good to feel this way though. I mean, daripada aku stress myself out, baik lepak n chill je and prepare myself for the worse. Oh I’ve been so used to it so it won’t be a problem, I hope. I know Mum and Dad would definitely be surprised if they know that this little daughter of theirs is actually a psycho at times especially when it comes to exams. Haha.. Ya Allah, kuatkanla semangat!

I don’t really have any strong reasons to blog at right this instant but I just let my fingers hit the keyboard and just type whatever I feel like typing. Anid called me just now and chatted for half an hour. I haven’t been seeing her for quite a while. Kinda miss her actually.

I have always thought that she is a talented lass full of so many creative ideas in mind. When she was in Manchester, she represented her school, Abraham Moss, in one of the badminton tournaments. Then in Malaysia, she played netball for her school and was even selected to go to district level. And then now, she was selected to wakil negeri in pertandingan menembak. She is indecisive whether to go for it or not. She knew mum wouldn’t allow her since she’ll be having her spm sometime later in the year but having people talking around, “Kalau ko boleh buktikan yg ko boleh menang peringkat negeri and at the same time dapat straight A’s, lagi orang respect,” it takes her even a greater will to come to a decision. All I could say is just, “You know best” and I know it doesn’t help. Hehe.. Actually I have so many things to say but the line being the barrier didn’t help as much. It's not really much to my liking to give advice to my sis over the phone because I couldn’t work up any enthusiasm of the whole matter. Boleh je nak bebel on the phone but it needs to be paid off with high bills. You get what I mean.

Sheesh..it’s almost 2. I should be going off to bed now. Sigh.. I’m going back home tomorrow. Will be at home for 4 days until Wednesday. Dah bertekad nak habeskan bace bio and chem and survey camera. And will be going to the book fair kat pwtc hari isnin ni ngan anis. Yay!! But have to go through my last paper first though. Adoi! Wish me luck people!

I’m flying high.. and high..
Someone is going to catch me if I fall..
So I thought..
But I came to realize..
That nobody was there..
At one point I thought it was a dream..
At least I hoped so..
But it ain’t one..
It was too late..
I’ve gone too far..

The End of Time

“Rushdina, nanti kalau ada geng batch kamu cuti, cakap saya. Nak jemput bagi motivasi kat adik2 di mrsm kub@ng p@su. Jangan lupa ha. Bagi ramai sikit anak melayu yang berjaya.” – Pak Yus hensem [my BM teacher back in Langkawi. Now he’s moved to MRSM Kub@ng P@su.]

I woke up this morning and noticed this message. It was sent at 1.05 am, a few hours after I dozed off. I was a bit affected by that simple memo. Maybe because the memories of the past plainly hit my thought and at right that moment, when I felt like getting out of this place, when someone whom I wish was around came into mind, it really put me in the doldrums. I miss his lame jokes, his funny words, his selamba appearance. Sometimes at one point, he doesn’t look like a teacher but rather a very heartless yet caring brother. He treats his kids and his students just like his friends. Ada sorang student die yang nyamar jadik pompuan nak ngorat die lagi. Yang tak bleh blah nye, pak yus layan! Bengong tau! Huhu.. But they ended off peacefully. Lawak gile hehe.. He seems like he doesn’t care but he really does. Huhu rindu pak yus :(

My exam mode is still on. Perhaps until I’m done with my final. I was feeling a bit down last night though for some stupid reasons but I’m feeling better now. I’m still searching for my blogging mood but I couldn’t find anywhere. For the time being, I spend most of my time:

• Revising – my chemistry paper the other day was quite tough. That was my first time doing chemistry paper while laughing to myself. I didn’t even read the last reading-test-like question and for that I lost 7 marks unreservedly. That doesn’t include the ones I left unanswered. I’m not surprised if I flunk *saya teruja* Haha.. Lately, I have this one takde-perasaan disease, you see. So I don’t feel anything for my trials. I know it’s not healthy especially when I have so many topics to cover and to catch up with but I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because of too much to bear that they ended up losing me out. Hmm.. I know I have to work hard and I’m struggling now!!

• Studying some photography lessons – I’ve just enrolled into a photography school as what they call it ‘Sekolah Fotografi CS’. The founder is a professional photographer, Encik Saiful Nang, being the Guru Besar. And they also have Guru Disiplin dan Guru Pendidikan Seni!! Comel gile. Hehe.. Being a novice, of course I’m one of the standard-1 students. Hehe.. I learn so many things in that so-called school. Now I’m dithering over D50 [which is not in the production anymore *big sigh*], D40X [their new release model. Affordable but still expensive lor :( ] and the ritzy D80 [this is the most unlikely though because of the sky-high price]. At one point, I feel sorry for myself for being so desperate over this photography thingy. Sometimes I give up until I hate myself for having this passion in the first place but at times, I feel so contented when I got the chance to snap good photos. I dono larr…

• Reading some Harun Yahya’s books – I’ve heard about this author some time ago but I’ve never read any of his book. I know he’s a good writer tapi tak pernah terbukak hati nak baca. Tapi ntah mcm mana hari tu, hati bleh terbukak plak nak bace satu buku tu tajuk ‘Death, Resurrection, Hell’. Kalau tak insaf baca x tau nak cakap ape la kan but I really like the way he writes, very enlightening and professional. The facts he incorporates are very strong and irrefutable. Buku2 camni la baru best nak bace. They make you think in different insights and you can’t be biased on what you actually want to believe. Memang best la. Click here for more Harun Yahya’s books.

"Death may catch up with you at any time. Who knows, perhaps this is the moment. Or, it may be much closer than you have ever expected."

Doesn't it make you to think and to atone for your sins in the past? Think. We won't be alive forever. There's another definite life in the hereafter and once you've gone beyond the limit, you won't get a second chance. There's simply no turning back.

Say: 'Death, from which you are fleeing, will certainly catch up with you.
Then you will be returned to the Knower of the Unseen and the
Visible and He will inform you about what you did.'
(Surat al-Jumu'ah: 8)

Wallahu'alam.

ESQ Training, Angkatan 7

Venue for the next training has been changed from Marriot, Bukit Bintang to Marriot Putrajaya. For further info, visit ESQ Malaysia or ESQ Community. Any enquiry can be addressed to me or contact the centre at the number given. Please be informed..

SALAM 165

Do you know..

..that the energy used by brain for thinking of something unthinkable and absurd [eg: why is the sky blue? or prove that sin x = cos x] or anything like reading your endless notes for 15 minutes is equivalent to the energy used by your body for an one-hour run!

No wonder I eat a lot [I mean AAAALLLOOOTT!] whenever I use my brain power for finishing my notes and solving vicious and nasty maths questions. During the break, when I sat in front of my ever-piled-up books for one whole day, I could have another 4 slices of bread and one burger at 3 o’clock in the afternoon after having 4 slices of bread in the morning [around 10am] with a glass of fresh milk and one WHOLE plateful of nasi ayam and 3 bananas for lunch [around 1pm]. And at 5 o’clock I’m starting to crave for a bar of chocs. It sounds crazy [!!!] but I’m telling you the truth. And what shocked me is when I got back to college, my chaletmates and a few of other friends claimed that I had wasted away during the break! Hello! Mungkin jadik badak bak kate pak hasan kesayangan. Hah hah..

Try it yourself! But cheating [say, berangan for 15 mins?] won't help. So if you really want to lose weight, be a nerd! Hehe..

[important note: No no, I didn't waste away. I'm still a 'badak' like what Pak Hassan claimed. *BIG SIGH*..]

[most important note: Fir@ just bought a spanking brand new Nikon D80 worth RM4.5k!!!!!!!!! And it is also including a Nikkor 18-135mm!!!!! I AM SOOOO GREEN WITH ENVY! Sangat cool! And she snapped a few shots of me during my oh-so-surprise birthday party just now. I want it I want it! :( ]

I heart Nikon. SO MUCH! Mane nak carik duit ni?

Over-indulgence in books! *bluwek*

Lupi’s friend called home just now.
Me: Errr.. lutfi takde *dalam hati: biaq betul die nie*
Pakcik pelik: Dia pegi mane?
Me: Errr.. Dia blaja kat Ireland skrg.
Pakcik pelik: Haaaa??? *tekejut besar*
Me: Err.. dah lama dah. Dia fly 2005. Skrg die dah nak abes 2nd year dah.
Pakcik pelik: Haaaa?? 2005?

And the conversation ended peacefully. Hehe.. That is strange yet funny. Aku gelak sorang2 lepastu. Haha.. I thought he got the wrong number so I texted Lupi just to make sure that I gave the right email address to that pakcik pelik. And Lupi said, “Dia tu mmg pelik sket. Aku pun tak igt muke die mcm mana..” Hah! Lupi mmg kawan dgn org2 pelik kot.

Anyways, since my previous post doesn’t tell you any new stuff about what I’ve been up to, so here are some news you guys might want to know (yes im, especially encik azrai, do notify him yeah).

• I am currently at home, enjoying my Easter break and counting the days before it ends. Sad..

• My trial is approaching very soon. Just got to know that my chemistry paper would consist of the whole syllabus!!! And I’m crawling like a snail!! Help me!

• I’ve recently received rejections from Cardiff n Leeds and that makes me left with Notts n Leicester. I’m certainly fine with it. Allah has put me in an ease situation to decide, I guess. Since I’m not in a position to choose, Leicester is definitely going to be my firm. And putting Notts as an insurance doesn’t quite help actually because the requirements are somewhat higher than what Leicester entails. Oh, what to do. I’m committed to Leicester and I don’t want to let Ms. Kasthuri down after what she’s done for me. I should be thankful, I know.

• I just got to know that D50 is out of the market!! NOOooo.. Kiciwa gue. Takkan nak harapkan D70s n D80 kot. Adoi! Menyedihkan betul... Need to ask Nadya for further advice. Sigh..

• A maid committed suicide at Along Ima’s apartment in Hosp Serdang last week. Dia terjun dr tingkat 8. That’s eerie isn’t it. I’m not sure of the whole story but she did so after moved in a day before. Mesti sbb tak pegi ESQ training ni. Haha..

• Anid borrowed my Oly.. I miss my Oly :(
  

What else? I think that’s about it. Need to get back to my books!! Focus Dina! FOCUS!

Luar Biasa II

Orang kata, nak berjuang dan menegakkan agama Allah ni susah. Banyak sangat dugaan. Sangat banyak sampaikan bukan sebarangan orang yang mampu terus berjuang. Hanya pejuang2 pilihan Allah je yang tetap gigih menegakkan ajaran Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. Aku tau, aku masih terlalu jauh untuk menjadi salah satu daripada pejuang2 tu. Teramat jauh.

Di kala semua orang tengah sibuk belajar di library, aku sibuk ke sana ke sini, cuba menceritakan pengalaman aku ketika ESQ Training pada kawan2 tapi apa yang aku harapkan daripada kawan2 bukanlah sesuatu yang menggembirakan.

"Macam mana ko boleh terasa nak pergi? Masa presentation last year, aku takde rase sikit pon nak pegi..Bosan gila presentation tu..”

“Aku memang tak percaya la benda2 macam tu..”

”Yang ko semangat2 promote ni, ko dapat commission ke? Kalau dapat, aku nak join la”

”Sorry la dina, tp aku tak berminat la benda2 mcm ni. Banyak benda aku boleh buat dengan 700 ringgit tu”

Aku hanya mampu memberi senyuman palsu bila mendengar kata2 kawan2 aku tu semua. Aku sekadar ingin berkongsi dengan diorang, satu pengalaman yang tak mungkin aku lupa sampai aku mati. Aku tak boleh jamin dengan keimanan yg Allah kurniakan ni akan berkekalan dalam hati ni tapi aku boleh jamin dengan satu perasaan dan pengalaman yang aku dapat takkan aku lupakan sampai bila2.

Di saat aku mula berputus asa, salah seorang kawan aku mula memberikan sedikit harapan. ”Tapi aku x sure lagi la. Kena tanya mak aku dulu..”. Satu hari sebelum training bermula, dia menelefon aku, ”Dina, sorry la kalau menyusahkan kau. Berhari2 aku discuss dengan mak aku. Baru sekarang dia kata boleh..”. Saat tu, aku gumbire gile. Aku terus menelefon centre training tu tapi apa yang mengecewakan, allocation untuk student dah penuh. ”Tapi takpe, kalau ada kekosongan nanti kami akan hubungi awak balik..”. Aku tak mengharapkan apa2. Kalau ada rezeki untuk kawan aku tu, bagus la. Tapi alhamdulillah, lepas beberapa jam, aku menerima panggilan drpd mereka and petang tu jugak aku terus bank in kan duit kawan aku and fax borang ke centre.

Cumanya, hanya ada satu je kebimbangan di hati. Aku takut kawan aku ni rasa tak berbaloi bila pergi ke training ni. Esoknye, di PWTC, aku jumpa kawan aku tu. Untuk hari pertama, aku tak tanya apa2 lagi. Aku tunggu sampai hari ketiga. Aku mmg tak tanya ”Macam mana? Best tak?” sebab aku nak dia yang luahkan sendiri. ”Dina, thanx la sebab tolong aku untuk join training ni. Memang sangat best!”. Alhamdulillah, aku tersenyum gembira mendengar kata2 dia tu. ”Tapi, satu je la...”, riak muka aku mula berubah. ”Bagi aku, walaupun hati dah ’merdeka’ tapi semuanya tergantung mcm tu je. Tak bererti bila hati dah ’merdeka’ dan terhapus segala dosa, kita akan dimasukkan dalam syurga. Aku rasa diorang takda tekankan betapa penting untuk kita teruskan mencari ilmu Allah tu”. Aku terdiam kejap.

Lepastu aku kata, ”Ye la, perjalanan untuk mencari ilmu tu is an unending lesson. Takkan nak harapkan pada training ni. Nama pun ESQ training. Memang nak kukuhkan dulu aqidah seseorang tu..”. ”Memang laa.. Tapi aku rasa tergantung. Kalau seseorang CEO tu dah punya aqidah yang mantap, dah mula sedar akan kewujudan dan kebesaran Allah, adakah dia akan terus mengejar dan mencari ilmu Allah atau dia hanya akan bekerja sebagai CEO dengan hanya satu kepercayaan yang baru. Mana cukup..”. Aku terdiam. Tiba2 telefon dia berbunyi, perbualan kami terputus sampai situ je..

Apa yang aku nak kongsikan di sini ialah, pendapat kawan aku tu aku fikirkan secara mendalam. Aku cuba memikirkan balik apa yang dia bagitau. Kebimbangan yang aku rasa sebelum dia join training tu mmg ada betulnya. Bila aku fikir2 balik, kawan aku tu memang jenis yang ’alim’, dibesarkan dalam sebuah keluarga yang memang mementingkan didikan agama. Sekolah pun di sekolah agama sejak kecil. Alquran pun dah beberapa juzuk dia hafal. Memang kalau nak dibandingkan aku dengan dia sangat jauh tahap ilmu agama dia. Dia dah join sangat banyak event2 yang islamic mcm ni. Sudah pasti, impak yang dia rasa tak sama dengan impak yang aku rasa bila join ESQ Training ni.

Keluarga aku jenis yg moden. Tipula kalau takda unsur2 yang mengejar dunia. Tapi memang mak ayah aku pentingkan ilmu agama, tu tak dapat nafikan. Mak ayah aku memang cukup pantang kalau anak2 tinggalkan solat. Masa kecik dulu, mak aku mmg cukup marah kalau ponteng kelas agama. Baca Yasin malam jumaat dah dijadikan satu ’kewajipan’. Mak aku selalu ingatkan anak2 untuk baca doa2 tiap kali awal muharram atau nisfu syaaban. Tapi kalau solat tu, memang hanya sekadar solat. Kalau baca Alquran, hanya sekadar baca dan khatamkan Alquran tapi tak pernah cuba untuk menghayati. Aku tak pasti la dengan adik beradik aku yg lain tapi sejak aku pegi training ni memang aku rasa sesuatu yang tak pernah aku rasa selama ni.

Aku ada jugak cuba ajak mak ayah akak2 n abang aku pergi ke preview ESQ ni tp diorang selalu je sibuk. Kadang2 aku sedih sebab aku teringin sangat diorang rasakan sesuatu perasaan baru yg aku rasa tu. Akak2 n abang2 aku terlalu sibuk dengan investment itu ini. Bila aku kata harga training tu seribu lebih, diorang kata ”Wah sangat mahal!” tapi beribu2 duit dibelanjakan dalam pelaburan itu ini. ”Alaa, tu untuk orang yang tak kuat agama je” ayah aku pernah cakap macam tu. Terdetik dalam hati aku, "Kalau aku tak kuat agama, adik beradik yang lain mcm mana?". Aku tak tahu kepada siapa lagi patut aku kongsikan perasaan ni. Aku tanak jadik judgmental terutamanya kat keluarga sendiri tapi aku yakin, diorang juga mcm aku sebelum aku join training ni. Memang akak2 n abang2 aku jaga solat, Alquran pun insyaAllah tak pernah tinggal tapi melihatkan diorang berpenat lelah menguruskan bisnes itu ini, discuss pasal duit tak masuk lagi, aku musykil, adakah tujuan hidup diorang hanya semata2 kerana dunia atau kerana Allah.

Lepas aku pergi 2nd training ni, lagi banyak ilmu baru aku dapat. Lagi banyak benda yang aku fahamkan. And lagi banyak perkara yang aku fikirkan. Masa aku pergi the first training bulan 2 hari tu, aku rasa sangat gembira. Aku rasa puas. And aku rasa cukup dengan apa yang aku dapat masa training. Memang itulah apa yang aku cari selama ni. Tapi, sebulan dua lepas training tu, aku mula lupa. Bukan lupa apa, cuma sedikit sibuk dengan pelajaran2 aku sampai aku kurang membaca tafsir2 Alquran. Aku terlalu banyak menumpukan kepada pelajaran sampai kadang2 termiss tazkirah2 kat surau. Bila cuti start, aku mula rasakan sedikit ’dependence’ kepada training tu which is not a good thing to feel. Memang 2nd training is meant to recharge tapi sampai bila aku nak depend on training ni? Sampai bila aku nak betul2 berubah and hanya depend on diri sendiri?

Bila kawan aku cakap kat aku, baru aku faham apa yang dia cuba sampaikan. Keyakikan dia terhadap Allah memang dah cukup kuat sebelum ni. Kebenaran Alquran pun memang dah cukup dia faham selama ni, kalau tak, takkan la dia bawa tafsir dia kemana2 je. Cuma aku je tergolong dalam golongan orang2 yang memerlukan bantuan. Alhamdulillah Allah dah memilih aku untuk mendapatkan bantuan tu. And baru aku faham, ESQ training tu hanyalah satu keperluan yang teramat asas. Walaupun skop yang dibincangkan adalah seusatu yang basic tapi tanpa basic yang kuat, tak guna jugak kan. Ilmu and pengalaman yang aku dapat masa training tu hanyalah sebagai guidance aku untuk terus berjuang mencari ilmu Allah. Pengalaman tu aku perlu pegang kuat2 untuk terus mendampingi Alquran dan mempelajari sunnah Rasulullah s.a.w.

Training yg aku baru pergi kelmarin, banyak participant yang aku nampak bawa ahli keluarga. Seorang ibu memeluk anaknya, seorang suami memeluk isterinya, berdampingan air mata dengan penuh kasih sayang and rasa bersyukur. Aku rasa sayu sebab tak pasti bila aku dapat melalui saat2 macam tu. I know, give-up is not even in the list of my options. Sedangkan Rasulullah s.a.w. dan para nabi yang lain pun menghadapai dugaan yang lagi mencabar, inikan pula aku, seorang hamba yang terlalu hina untuk mendapatkan kesabaran yang mantap daripada Allah. Aku hanya mampu berdoa and terus berusaha. Walaupun impak yang dirasa oleh kawan aku tu tak sebesar impak yang aku rasa, sekurang2nya, duit yang dia bayar tu akan terus dilaburkan di jalan Allah. Terlalu ramai orang kat luar tu yang macam aku.

“Tolong sebarkan berita ini di seluruh Malaysia, Allahuakbar. DARI OXFORD. Assalamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. SUBHANALLAH WALHAMDULILLAH WALAA ILAAHA ILALLAH ALLAHU AKBAR. Berita mlalui telfon langsung Mbak Intan (adik pak Ary) dan pak Ary dari seminar ESQ di Oxford, Inggris. Puji dan sujud syukur dgn tak habis2nya tasbih dan takbir kita patut lantunkan kehadrat Allah. Setelah Pak Ary menyampaikan ceramah 165 dan memasang lantunan Asmaul Husna, para pserta kursus spiritual yg hadir dari berbagai negara dan berbagai kalangan agama semuanya segera menghampiri pak Ary dan mbak Intan sambil menangis dan berkata: Allah is great, Allah is Wonderful, Muhammad is Right, Islam is Right. Allahuakbar, bukankah ini sesungguhnya adalah syahadat. Bahkan mereka minta agar slide Asmaul Husna diputar ulang, dan mereka smua duduk terpaku dengan khidmat mndengrkn lantunan Asma2 Allah meskipun mrk tdk mngrti bhsa Arab. Dan Pak Ary diminta utk datng ke negara2 asal para pserta utk mnyebarkan esq way 165. Smoga ini smkin mperkokoh kyakinan kita bahwa 165 milik Allah adalah cahaya yg akan menerangi dunia. Sujud syukur kita dan mari bacakan Al Faatihah utk kemuliaan Islam Iman dan Ihsan dan agar tidak sdikitpun ada kraguan di hati bahwa cahaya Allah 165 adalah HAQ. Alfaatihah. Salam 165 dari Aminul Rachman.” – 728 a.m. 160307

Message ni aku terima daripada seorang alumni ESQ, yang juga senior aku di kolej dulu. Aku terlalu sayu and tak dapat nak tahan perasaan ni. Aku menangis sambil memuji2 kebesaran Allah. Walau beribu ringgit aku bayar utk training ni, takkan cukup dengan apa yang aku dapat and takkan terbayar dengan segala usaha yang team ESQ gunakan untuk menyedarkan ratusan bahkan ribuan individu di luar sana yang macam aku. Walau dah berapa usrah atau tazkirah yang aku pergi, training ni la yang dapat buat aku faham dengan Ihsan, Iman dan Islam. Sekarang, walaupun bagi kawan aku tu training ni agak tergantung, sekurang2nya aku tahu, duit yang dia bayar juga akan terus diperjuangkan ke jalan Allah. Mudah2an akan bangkitlah umat Nabi Muhammad s.a.w. dan tersebarlah cahaya 165 ke seluruh dunia, insyaAllah..

“When the victory of Allah has come and the conquest, And you see the people entering into the religion of Allah in multitudes, Then exalt [Him] with praise of your Lord and ask forgiveness of Him. Indeed, He is ever Accepting of repentance.” _An-Nasr 110:1-3

Wallahu'alam..

[p/s: Happy 22nd Birthday to Lupi and Happy 20th Birthday to me! :) The only person whose birthdate would I not forget is my brother, the closest twin I've ever had. No matter what, he'd always be in my prayers, through out the days to come.. Love you, bro. Good Luck for your exams! May Allah always be with you..]

Change

Wow, it has been a looong time. You know what, I’m not sure if I’ve become someone else. I mean, not the real me who used to depend on my blog when it comes to emotions and experiences. I used to update my blog and tell every single thing about what I encountered in life. I still remember two years ago, when I decided to have my own blog, I always got mixed up on what I want to write about. And I always afraid that my wordings are not good enough for me to be an avid blogger like MM. Everyday I spent my time the most on my blog; learn the coding, ask my sifus especially uncle saiful questions regarding blog-building, stay up late at night finding cool templates. I once wished to be an excellent blogger like pak kojer and gas woman. But all those things seem to disappear this lately. To be honest, I’ve been clicking on ‘create new post’ button for a few times but ended up close the window and forget about it. I couldn’t find the blogging mood that I used to have at least once in 3 or 4 days. I don’t know. Something has got into me.

Or maybe I’ve changed?

“Aku xtau la dina. Aku rase ko mcm lain sket sejak sem ni.. Ko dah berubah la dina” – m0m@d. Well, from my own personal thought, of course I can feel myself being someone else. Someone who is more broad-minded, more positive and matured. But I’m not expecting it to be that obvious. I don’t know how to put it in words but I know I’ve changed in some ways. But one thing for sure, of course the ESQ training has contributed to the changes. When people look up on those who have high IQs, people are always unaware about the essential proportion that makes up the real human which is the emotional n spiritual quotient. I can manage my emotions better now though I’m still sensitive to some extents. Well, maybe I’m not ready to be someone who is totally new. Heh..

Anyways, life has been good.

• Dad is now a retired person. We celebrated his 56th birthday last Thursday night and the barbecue was really good. The marinated lamb sangat sedap!! We bought him a mango delight cake and also his new Titus watch as a birthday present. Everybody was around except Lupi and Anid. Pok teh, Mak ngah n tokmok were present too.
• Went to subang last Saturday. Met !jun, m@r, DD n ygDee in subang parade. I bought new blouse hehe and we also bought a birthday present for m0m@d n ch@. We had lunch at Dave’s Deli and chatted like we haven’t met for years! Then, dropped by DD’s house for prayers before leaving back home.
• Dreamt about H@fiz and Y@$min. Stupid, I know but what can I do? It was a dream. I wasn’t asking for it anyway. All I was asking for is to meet him in real life. Hah! He seemed to hate so much. In the dream. Does he still? I hope not. Oh and yea, n@em and k!m! dah kawen!!!!! Hahahaha.. I’m so happy for them. Two med-students studying in the same univ -- became close friends -- declared as boyfriend n girlfriend -- graduated in the same year, same course -- got married and it’s now the time for housemanship! Hmm.. It’s not that bad huh? No no, this is not my plan. It’s about them. Hoho.. Allah has mine so I shouldn’t be worried about it :)
• My fLickR is back with more cool photos to come! Hehe.. I’ve told Dad about D50 and he seems to disagree. I’m still unsure about getting D50 because my money is needed for something else; something more important. Yes, I have to admit that there is something which is more important than my passion. Can’t help it :( I don’t earn money. I just need to be patient. My skill in honed though. I’ve improved quite a lot. But still not satisfying enough. Need to keep working hard! Ow and I just ended my "Master Digital Photography Techniques" course at Sony101. It's free and of course it helps a lot! Thanx a lot Marc :)
  
• Overloaded assignments as usual. Two weeks left for me to catch up everything. I hope it’s enough. One week after college starts, then comes the trial. Few weeks after that, the time for final battle arrives!! Three days after my finals end, I’m flying faaaaaaar faaaaaar away with Mum :) Can’t wait for that moment. I need that vacation before I go to a new place with a new hope, with a new me [of course, I’m going to be a med-student!!!], with a new set of people and of course, closer to my dream. I might not be able to go to the student dinner and even the graduation day. I know both are special days before I leave college but spending my time together with Mum is something I couldn’t find elsewhere. And the place that we’re going to, is somewhere I’ve never been to so yea, that is when sacrifice kicks in.
• ESQ Training this weekend!! Oh, I miss the ambience, the moment. Can’t wait to feel the experience once again.
  

Time is running and it will stop sooner or later. I have few more months left before I fly off to the uk and I hope these few months would be the most memorable and would always be cherished forever. And after that, I hope I would be strong enough to close my heart for him for the rest of my life…

"Allah, Ia-lah Yang meninggikan langit, tanpa tiang yang nampak olehmu, Kemudian Ia bersemayam di atas 'Arasy, dan menundukkan matahari dan bulan (kepada hukumNya), masing-masing menempuh (jalannya) selama waktu yang ditentukan. Ia mengatur segala urusan, dan menjelaskan tanda-tanda, supaya kamu meyakini pertemuan dengan Tuhanmu. Dan Ia-lah yang membentangkan bumi, menancapkan di atasnya gunung-gunung, dan mengalirkan sungai-sungai. Dan setiap jenis buah-buahan dijadikan-Nya di dalamnya berpasang-pasangan. Ditiupkan-Nya malam kepada siang. Sungguh, dalam semua itu ada tanda-tanda (Kekuasaan Tuhan) bagi mereka yang menggunakan fikiran." _Ar-Ra'd (13:2-3)

Wallahu'alam.