Waiting

It’s 4.12am

I cannot sleep

I’m bored

I'm hungry

I’m figuratively alone

I’m out of idea

I'm updating a blog

Few stuff that I just found out:

• B3ck and Di|@ are getting engaged!
• @rgen and mirul are friends!
• @dr3n is actually a guy! And he’s not a doctor!
• N@dh is someone else!
• There are hundreds of flickr group!!
• Nostalgic Night is four days after EWD!
  

I'm thinking of:

• Trading in my sp350 and buy a more reliable cam for leisure use.
• Going for photography class either during Easter break or just wait for a few months until I end my course at the end of June.
• Going out with M@r, chekam, and didi during this Easter break.
• Going back next week to attend ESQ activity at the Equatorial Hotel.
• Winding up series of Heroes Season 1
• Studying biology for a test next week right after this because I’m seriously suffering from insomnia at right this moment! OH!~
  

DigitalFh0t0JeritanJiwa is now on their 17th EDITION with a theme 'usang'. Some are good. But some are merely taken. I'm still ambitious with my passion and I know I would do just as great. One sweet day..

~Kebahagiaan orang yang beriman adalah dengan mencintai Allah. Cinta kepada Allah adalah kebahagiaan yang dasarnya lebih dalam dari setiap sesuatu yang dalam. Hanya mereka yang bersungguh-sungguh berimanlah yang dapat merasakannya. Dan perasaan itu tidak boleh digantikan..~

Wallahu'alam.

They will always be..

Ok, I’ll try to make this as short as possible because I actually have tones of homework that haven’t been done. But I don’t quite get why I’m so melancholic and emotive at right this moment. And I’m not sure why I’m posting this up [well, maybe because I know you guys would read this; whoever that is. Hmm..]

Roy texted me last night. He was with Kak Ila n Sya, on the way to their uncle’s house somewhere in the city. Im wasn’t with them for some reasons which I don’t want to know [hehe..] and I suddenly became just so emotional. I miss them so much somehow. Yes, that’s me and it couldn’t be helped anyway. I was getting some of my work done but the message obviously distracted my mind that I couldn’t continue with what I was doing. Luckily Sarah came by and we chatted till midnight. Yep, that happens when two girls get together and story trading couldn’t be avoided. Heh.. After she got back to her chalet, I continued with my work until God-knows-when. Then.. tak boleh tidor pulak.. Hmm.. macam biasa, berangan je la kan. Heh.. The funny part is, I don’t know what I was berangan-ing over [uh, buruknye bahasa saye..]. Tibe2 tertido dengan amannye..

Then I woke up this morning, feeling very dizzy sebab tido pukul brape tah malam tadi and did my prayer bla bla bla then continued with my work. Oh I’m not that hardworking, just to let you know. Hehe.. I’m super lazy to be exact. Sebab tu keje banyak tak siap. Haha.. Bile keje banyak tak siap and they need to be handed in by today memang la kelam kabut. Hmm.. [yet, I’m still typing this! OMG..].

Then, suddenly my mind got drifted away. Everything conjured up images of important people in my life. I called izy to mind and thought how I’m gona miss her once we’re apart even further. You know how I so believe in ‘chemistry’ and failing to see her boarding at the airport TWICE really gives me some sort of awkward feelings inside. The first one was because I couldn’t skip my classes and I was in my English class when she gave me a buzz few minutes before she took off. The second one was a bit.. how do you say.. ermm, takde jodoh la bak kate izy. Heh.. when she came by during the bangsawan, she and aimi slept over my chalet. The next morning, they asked me to join them to have lunch with man, amy n thirah somewhere in wangsa maju. I really wanted to join but nobody was able to send me back to college and I had a meeting that evening so yea, they left me behind. Sob2.. I told izy, ‘takpe izy, I’ll send you at the airport and we’re gonna meet later’ so we just salam2 ala2 kadar and they pulled off. To spice this up, I went to the esq training pulak and I got my last day training on the same day as izy’s leaving and I couldn’t send her to the airport and I didn’t know when on earth I’m gonna meet her again after this. And I’m sure gonna miss our shooting star :’( Well, at least I know she's doing alright in aussie.

Then, ramai lagi la yang aku tibe2 teringat kat diorang. One thing I realized is lately, I don’t have the guts to call thirah. Sebab kalau call mesti berjam2 lamenye. And bile dah cakap berjam2 lamenye, mesti rase macam rindu gile and terbayang2 saat2 aku nak fly nanti. Tak tahu macam mane nak berhadapan dengan saat2 itu. Tapi yang pasti, thirah wajib hantar kat airport la. Huhu.. And aku tak boleh nak cakap sendiri kat thirah yang aku sangat sedih bile dah berjauhan dgn die. And I’m not sure if I could find someone else who’s willing to listen to everything that I have to say and who understands me as much as she does. Hmm.. and I know she’ll read this so she must be knowing it by now. Heh.. and I’m sure die akan terharu. Haha..

Then tiba2 teringat kat kawan2 lain especially the ones who have me in their hearts. Hah.. ayat bajet mcm aku femes n disayangi je. Haha.. Tikah, yah, wani, kawan2 bangi dari kecik, kawan2 maahad yg aku pun taktahu diorg igt aku lg ke tak [hehe..] kawan2 langkawi, cikgu2 langkawi, cikgu wahida n family, and of course him who has always been there and my college friends especially my chalatemates and diamonders. Wah, sentimentalnye aku ni..

And lastly, the super important people in my life are of course my family. Hmm.. yesterday, I was a bit terkilan with myself because I didn’t see mum and salam mum before I left for college in the morning because mum wasn’t at home, pegi ceramah kat surau annur and dad was in a rush so he said takyah tunggu mum balik. Suruh sms je.. dalam kereta tu mate dah bergenang2 dah sbb tak jumpe mum before blk kolej. Tu la, sape suruh bangun lambat kan. Heh..But I got to talk to her anyway. Sampai kolej bergayut jugak. Huhu.. And then, on my way back to college, along ima rang me up. “Na, ni nazme nak cakap dgn mak na..” and I talked to Nazme. “Mak Na, nami nak tengok dinasour! Nak main poing poing!” [dinasour n poing2 ialah leisure activity aku dgn nazme. Sape yang main neopets tahu la. Haha.. childish nye aku. Huhu.. pernah jugak bg nazme tgk happy tree friends tapi amat violent smpai aku pun terase effectnye. Huhu..]. and spt biase, terbayang2 muke nazme, effa n aida and I just don’t know how I would face the moment when I have to see them for the last time before I get the next chance. And since I’m flying off this September [insyaAllah..], I won’t be able to see baby angah aya n kak sue and by the time I graduate, nazme dah darjah 2, effa n aida and the rest of my niece n nephew sume dah besar2. Waa.. sedih gile.. Hmm..

So, bile dah sedih2 n sentimental ni, aku pun menenangkan diri. I tried to bring back those experiences I had during esq training. Pak @ry kate, kalau sedih2, selalu ingat kat Allah.. Die kate selalu2 la bace “Laa ilaa ha illallaah..”. And aku pun tengok la balik video asmaul husna yang aku dapat free mase training tu. Heh.. And bile aku terpikir2 balik, aku tahu, Allah lebih sayang orang2 yang aku sayang. Walau sejauh mane aku rindu n sayang kat orang2 yang aku sayang, Allah lebih sentiasa sayang kat hamba2Nya. And when I’m away, further apart from them, I always believe that Allah will watch over them no matter what. Although what hurts me most is to not be able to be beside my beloved ones when they need me to be at their side, all I could do is just pray them for the best. And I know they know that I’ll always love them for the rest of my life..

and since I have class in a bit, I don't want to look dull so I snapped those pictures I have on my room's wall and that makes me better now :) Have a nice day ppl!

BersamaMu

Today has been a very good one. Woke up early [as in didn’t go to bed after subuh. Yeah, kejayaan bermakne! Hehe..], got my maths assignment done, did several housechores, bagi ikan makan, settled some stuff, went to Along Ima’s house to see Nazme and Effa and finally, snapped some photos! It has been so long since I last edited my self-taken pictures and checking out 4Associate with their new approach really put me to shame. Haha.. Well, for one reason, I’m not a pro like Nadya and the rest [just yet! Hah.. yakin gile..] and for another reason, I’m not committed at all to any photography lesson so yea, just give me some time. I think I need more time than I would have expected. Hehe..

Well, good news to beemer lovers out there: “BMW Malaysia is recruiting candidates to become BMW Driver Training Instructors for it’s new Malaysian BMW Driver Training program via it’s Instructor Academy. The BMW Driver Training is set to be introduced here in Malaysia from April 2007 onwards.”. Menarik kan? Abang amir is one of the 30 candidates who have been called for an interview before they are shortlisted to 15 people to go for an assessment. Out of 15, only 10 will be accepted as the trainers. What really came to my mind was, “Can I be the trainee?”. Heh.. Tapi of course la kene bayar banyak kot. Hmm.. Takpela, lagi rela simpan duit beli Nikon D80 ke, Canon 350D ke, [tolong izy bayar sewa rumah ke. Huhu..] Haih.. What a wishful thinking.

Anyways, talking about izy, I got her email just now. Seperti biasa, meluahkan perasaan yang berduka lara. Heh.. She was a bit frustrated with petronas regarding her accommodation. To cut story short, she has to move out from the house of which its rent has already been settled and still needs to pay rent for the house that she’s going to move into. I knew she must be feeling very disappointed for whatever happened or else she wouldn’t steal her time to email me such a loooong story bertajuk ‘bersamamu’. Heh.. Mule2 aku ingatkan bersamamu Digi, terbayang2 muke orang2 kuning tu, hehe rupenye bersamamu tv3. Haha.. Sedih gak ar cite die. Heh.. Then I told her to be strong sebab semua tu ujian Allah. Ye, cakap memang senang tapi percayalah, ujian tu sume nak menunjukkan yang Allah sayangkan hamba2Nya. So Izy, hopefully everything will be fine. No worries ok :) Nasib baek duk 'kampung' kan? Takde la mahal sgt. [Heh.. Yeke?]

And talking about ujian, feeling comfortable and being in complacency is one of the ‘ujians’ yang Allah turunkan pada hambaNya. Macam aku sekarang ni.. Hmm.. Semalam baca blog Abg Lan and I stumbled upon this: “Jika jawapan kita zon selesa, maka sama-samalah kita beringat, berwaspada, dan berkira-kira akan apa yang hendak kita lakukan. Zon selesa adalah antara dajal tidak bermuka yang sentiasa licik dalam merencana, menilamkan tidur kita dengan lapis-lapis nikmat dan seronok yang tidak terhingga sepanjang masa. Sedikit demi sedikit, mungkar mula membukit. Sehingga kita tidak merasa apa dan selamanya alpa. Aku kini dalam zon selesa secara umumnya. Mempunyai rakan yang berkongsi tawa, juga rakan yang berkongsi duka. Makan dan minum cukup, tidur lena, dan sihat kebanyakan masa. Syukur atas segala nikmat. Tapi, kerana cuai dalam bergembira, aku semakin lupa pada neraka.”

Memang OUCH! gile.. I can’t deny that life has been treating me good and memang sangat selesa sampai leka n lalai. Itulah namenya ‘manusia’ yang memang perlu sentiasa diingatkan. And aku sangat bersyukur sebab setiap ujian yang aku lalui, mesti ada tanda2 untuk aku memberi ingatan pada diri sendiri and muhasabah diri. Mudah2an Allah sentiasa memelihara hati kita daripada kesesatan duniawi, InsyaAllah..

[p/s: Angah Aya and Kak Sue are expacting!! InsyaAllah bulan sembilan and bulan sepuluh ni. Wah, seronoknye!!! Hehe..]

Ya Allah,
Cukup saja Engkau menjadi pemeliharaku
Di dunia dan di akhirat
Jangan biarkan aku sendirian
Berikan lah aku kekuatan Iman
dalam mengharungi ujian Mu dalam hidup ini
Peliharalah aku dari kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran

Wallahu'alam

Luar Biasa

Demi matahari dan sinarnya di pagi hari. Demi bulan apabila ia menigiringi. Demi siang apabila ia menampakkan diri. Demi malam apabila ia menutupi. Demi langit serta seluruh binaanya. Demi bumi dan segala yang ada di permukaannya. Demi jiwa dan seluruh penyempurnaannya.

Tahun lepas, Encik R@zib datang ke kolej, bagi presentation tentang program ni. Aku tertarik dengan modul2 yang disediakan dalam program ini. Teringin gelaa untuk join training ni tapi waktu tu program ni belum lagi dijalankan di Malaysia. Aku tanamkan satu cita2 untuk join program ni, tak kira walaupun aku dah sambung pelajaran ke UK. Tapi Alhamdulillah, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Mengetahui apa yang tersirat di hati, Dia dah memilih aku untuk join training ni dan memberi aku peluang untuk bertaubat.

Tidak ada perasaan lain yang terbuku di hati di saat ini kecuali rasa bersyukur yang tak terhingga. Mungkin perkataan ‘syukur’ itu tidak memberi kesan pada orang lain tapi orang lain itu bukanlah aku. Perasaan baru yang aku miliki sekarang tidak mungkin dapat aku rasa kalau tidak atas takdir dan pilihan Allah sendiri. Dan menjadi antara orang yang terpilih untuk melihat dan menyedari sendiri kehebatan dan keagungan Allah adalah suatu nikmat yang tidak terbayar dengan selautan titisan air mata.

Aku teringin sangat berkongsi pengalaman dan ilmu yang aku dapat daripada E$Q tr@ining tapi kesannya dah pasti tak sama. Sebenarnya, perkara2 yang diterapkan dalam training ni bukanlah suatu benda yang baru. Semuanya aku dah belajar sejak dari kecil, dari sekolah rendah, dari sekolah agama tapi selama ni kepercayaan aku terhadap Allah, keyakinan aku terhadap kalam Allah dan kasih sayang aku terhadap Rasulullah terlalu superficial. Selama ni, ketika aku sujud dan rukuq kepada Allah, tak terasa kemanisan iman. Selama ni, bila disebut nama Nabi dan disambut dengan selawat ke atas baginda, tak terasa rindu dan kasih padanya. Selama ni, walaupun aku yakin aku seorang muslim, dilahirkan dan dibesarkan dalam sebuah keluarga muslim, walaupun aku yakin pada kewujudan Allah dan Nabi, walaupun aku mengucapkan dua kalimah syahadah, tak terasa beratnya amanah yang aku dah janji dengan Allah ketika di alam roh dahulu. Selama ni, walau sejuta kalimah ‘Allahuakbar’ aku bacakan, tak terasa keagungan sebenar Maha Pencipta. Astaghfirullahal ‘adzim.. Sesungguhnya aku memang seorang hamba yang tidak bersyukur.

Ustad H@$riz@l pernah bagitau dulu, “Kalau orang tanya bagaimana rasanya gula, dan kita jawab ‘Manis’, adakah orang tu akan betul2 tahu bagaimana rasanya manis tanpa merasainya sendiri?”. Macam tu jugak kalau korang tanya, “Best tak program tu?” atau “Macam mana? OK?” atau sewaktu dengannya, aku tak tahu nak jawab apa sebab kalau aku kata “BEST SANGAT2 TAK BLEH BLAR!!!” tak mungkin orang akan tahu perasaan sebenar bila dah join program ni. Macam tu jugak bila aku baca review para alumni, aku teringin sangat nak rasa bila diorang kata “Memang worth it bayar beribu2!!” dan “Rasa sangat bersyukur..” dan sewaktu dengannya. Dan Alhamdulillah baru aku tahu betapa manisnya perasaan menjadi seorang hamba Allah yang tidak meletakkan perkara lain dihatinya selain Allah azzawajalla.

Sebelum Encik R@zib datang ke kolej untuk bagi presentation dulu, Mr. Z@idi pernah bagitau kitorang tentang sebuah buku berkaitan dengan E$Q yang ditulis oleh P@k @ry. Aku teringin sangat nak baca buku tu tp aku carik2, takde satu kedai pun yang jual buku tu. Aku teringin sangat nak tau apa isi buku tu tp tak pernah diberi peluang untuk tengok cover buku pun. Tapi lepas join program ni, aku dapat free buku tu :) Alhamdulillah.. And lepas join training ni, akhirnya aku dapat berjumpa LIVE dengan seorang hamba Allah yang diberi hidayah oleh Allah untuk meneruskan ajaran Rasulullah. Aku tak henti2 mendoakan P@k @ry agar diberkati hidupnya dunia akhirat and aku sangat admire P@k @ry. Beliau seorang yang sangat pemurah dengan senyuman, sangat2lah baik, sangat sporting n kelakar, sangat2 peramah, dan semua ciri2 seorang insan yang layak untuk menyambung tanggungjawab seorang khalifah terutamanya di zaman moden ni. Dan apa yang lebih menarik perhatian aku ialah kata2 P@k @ry yang diikuti dengan tangisan keinsafan yang sangat2 ikhlas. Dah banyak sangat training yang P@k @ry and the geng conduct tapi masih ada rasa keinsafan sampai bercucuran air mata di depan peserta. Betapa menunjukkan di hatinya hanyalah Allah.

Training ni sangat special sebab modul2 yang ada sangat LUAR BIASA. Tak macam kursus lain. Ada banyak gile game pelik2, ade banyak lagu, ade banyak senaman, ade kartun Tomi [hehe..] and the most special icon is the mascot, Mr. Zer0. Ha’ah ada mascot, serious tak tipu! Comel gile plak tu. Heh.. Trainer2 sangat kewl and sangat2 best n kelakar, very energetic, cumel [and attractive jugak ar. Huhu..]. And training ni mengamalkan 3S – senyum, salam semut, and sahabat sejati. Orang yang tak kenal pun rasa macam sangat dekat persaudaraan. Dan yang paling LUAR BIASA ialah training ni banyak based on ayat Quran and bila ayat2 Quran tu terbukti kebenarannya maka tertunduk, tersujud, tersungkur dengan air matalah hamba2 Allah. Memang tak pernah aku menangis sebanyak ni dalam masa 3 hari. SubhanAllah.. Oh and lagi satu specialty training is kitorang ade Lagu Tema yang sangat kewl and rock gile. Hehe.. Aku antara orang paling muda yg join program ni. Yang lain sume makcik2 n pakcik2 bekerjaya so agak la takde kawan senornye. Terkapai sorang2. Haha.. Tapi seronok gak takde kawan sebab boleh buat apa yang kawan aku tak pernah tgk aku buat. Hoho.. Brother Sh@h pun ade! Seronok gak tengok dia ada. Kawan mak ngah pun ade. Segan betul.. Huhu.. and ramai lagi la [total 360!].

Selama aku hidup, dah banyak gile kursus aku join. Tapi training ni lah satu2nya program yang aku take it personally. Tak mungkin aku lupakan semua experience LUAR BIASA yang aku alami sepanjang training ni. Tak mungkin ada perkara lain yang lebih indah daripada Asma’ul Husna yang menjadi CORE VALUES training ni. Dan tak ada cara hidup yang lebih sempurna daripada ‘THE E$Q WAY 165’ [1 ihsan, 6 rukun iman dan 5 rukun islam]. Bila aku bersalam semut dengan semua ATS (Alumni Training Support), aku dapat rasakan satu talian persaudaraan yang sangat dekat and aku teringat family aku kat rumah. Betapa aku harap n idamkan supaya diorang dipilih oleh Allah untuk join training ni. Walau sejauh mana aku berdoa kat Allah, walau seesak mana aku menangis, walau selama mana aku sujud kat Allah supaya family aku diberi peluang untuk bertaubat, hanya Allah yang mampu memberi hidayah kepada orang yang dikehendakiNya. Kesan terdalam yang aku rasa and yang paling banyak air mata yang aku titiskan ialah bila memikirkan saat2 aku berjumpa dengan Allah nanti and saat2 aku menjadi salah seorang umat Nabi yang bersama2 dengan baginda di syurga nanti; satu keindahan yang tak mungkin dapat dibayangkan dengan mata kepala manusia. MashaAllah..

Aku tak mampu la bagi kesan yang mendalam kat korang sebab i)korang tak join lagi training ni, ii)bukan aku yang mampu buka hati korang and tiupkan hidayah ke dalamnya tapi apa yang aku mampu buat hanyalah berkongsi sedikit pengalaman [through a blog? Apakah?!] and berkongsi sedikit perubahan yang aku rasakan. Mungkin korang takkan terasa dengan perkataan2 yang aku type ni tapi mudah2an entry kali ni dapat membuktikan kat korang bahawa satu kesedaran yang amat besar dah mengubah aku menjadi seorang yang ‘merdeka’ and mudah2an dengan entry ni, tersebarlah rahmat Allah, insyaAllah..

“Ya Allah.. Kurniakanlah kepadaku cintaMu. Kurniakanlah kepadaku cinta orang-orang yang mencintaiMu. Ya Allah.. Jika dulu aku berdoa kepadaMu untuk meraih cintanya dan bukan cintaMu, maka ampunkanlah dosaku ya Allah kerana lalai dan leka dengan dunia. Jika dulu aku mengejar cintanya yang menyesatkan dan bukan cintaMu yang hakiki, maka hapuskanlah dosa2ku ya Allah kerana buta kepada suatu yang tidak sejati. Jika dulu aku menjadikannya sebagai tujuanku dan bukan Engkau, maka maafkanlah aku ya Allah kerana kalah dengan ujianMu. Jika dulu aku menangis kerananya dan bukan keranaMu, maka bukakanlah pintu hatiku ini ya Allah agar tidak diisi dengan perkara lain selain daripadaMu.”

“Sesungguhnya pada kejadian langit dan bumi dan pada pertukaran malam dan siang, ada tanda-tanda (kekuasaan, kebijaksanaan dan keluasan rahmat Allah) bagi orang-orang yang berakal; (Iaitu) orang-orang yang menyebut dan mengingati Allah semasa mereka berdiri dan duduk dan semasa mereka berbaring mengiring dan mereka pula memikirkan tentang kejadian langit dan bumi (sambil berkata): Wahai Tuhan kami! Tidaklah Engkau menjadikan benda-benda ini dengan sia-sia, Maha Suci Engkau, maka peliharalah kami dari azab Neraka.” –Surah Ali ‘Imran: 190-191

Wallahu'alam.

Of bowing out

Finally, I’m not tied up to the responsibilities of a housecaptain anymore. It’s kinda relief actually as I no longer need to think unnecessary things but stepping down leaves me with another big errand which is just as important. I’ve never thought that choosing the right people to be in the house committee is going to be hard, I mean really hard especially the one who’s going to be my apprentice. Mula2 macam tak nampak sesiapa bleh pegang jawatan tu but came to think of it, why not we just give them the chance to prove us wrong. Of course it’s unfair to them to be judged that way but you know, I’m actually very worried to pass the task to someone who’s not capable enough. But yea, let’s just give them the opportunity.

Last year, when my name was called as the housecapt, I couldn’t believe myself and wondered what they actually see in me. Initially I didn’t have the confidence to hold the post because I couldn’t accept the fact that they actually had their trusts in me. Beberapa kali jugak aku decide untuk resign but was railed against by my committee so I called my intention to a halt and keep on trying and gave my best. And Alhamdulillah, along the way, I learnt a lot. I found something memorable that I couldn’t find elsewhere. To me, the period during which I was the housecapt was too precious and was definitely a gift for me towards improving myself. And being SOMEONE ELSE. Yep, I can feel that this is a new me =)

Sekarang ni macam2 sangat masalah kat kolej terutamanya masalah underground regarding the new $Cs and also problems with social life yang rase macam nak tembak je sorang2 budak2 bermasalah tu. Nak pilih MU$C0M pun pening kepala sebab taktau calon mane yang betul2 layak. Sekarang ni, bukan $C je yang kene pegi training, housecapt skali kene pergi – betapa nak menunjukkan junior2 ni memang kene di-brainwash. Sekarang ni k@mpung $eber@ng makin besar so port dating pun makin berleluasa. Chalet kosong banyak, jadik port tengok movie mengarut2 and jadik port lepak laki perempuan. Budak2 FAMA pun makin ramai. Bukan nak kate diorang jahat tp merisaukan la especially bila dah dengar cerita yang laki masuk apartment perempuan tanpa segan silu. Pukul 2-3 pagi memang waktu active diorang berdua2an Ish.. Ntahla.. Ngeri la bila pikir2 balik.

Lepastu, haritu ada pulak kisah seorang n0n-muslim ni menjalankan dakwah Christianity kecil2an kat chalet. Aduhai.. Nasib baik budak muslim yang di-preach ni bgtau @qt@r maka @qt@r pun panggil dak n0n-muslim ni and ajak buat special discussion pasal Christianity. @qt@r memang dah buat research pasal comparative religion ni dari dulu because he used to be studying in a school with loads of Christian friends and he’s been admiring Ahmad Deedat dari dulu so memang banyak ilmu ar pasal comparative religion ni.

My point is to draw attention to the severity of social problems in college especially when the sense of fading away of Islamic culture has started to be felt. Risau sangat2.. Tapi nak buat mcm mane kan.. the seniors boleh tolong mane yg termampu je.

Cakap pasal comparative religion kan, aku rasa macam sangat2 la jahil and rase berdosa sangat sebab betapa ceteknye ilmu agama aku. Bila borak2 kat library pasal ni, memang rasa insaf sangat. And paling penting, rasa sangat bersyukur sebab dilahirkan and dibesarkan as a muslim. My chaletmate, a Christian Chinese, was one of those involved in the special discussion with @qt@r and what she told me about how she felt after the discussion brought me into a very deep thought.

She said, “You know what, now I only realize one thing. I don’t care about bible having contradictions; I don’t care about all those facts that I’ve never known before. What I really care is my relationship with God. I have a really strong belief in God so why must I bother about all those things. It’s good to know your religion well but I don’t want to go around the mess and confuse myself. What I really care is only my relationship with God. This kind of thing will never end. Everything seems very puzzling. Now, @qt@r told me the downside of Christianity. Let’s say if I were to convert to Islam, there must be a person to tell me the downside of Islam. In the end, it’s not the religion that is wrong, but it’s myself whom is wrong in the first place. So I don’t want to upset my beliefs just because of all this.. But I appreciate what @qt@r said because it in a way opens my eyes to the truth..”

Every word that slipped through her tongue had put me in a very deep trance. I came to think so many things that in the end I myself couldn’t answer some of the questions I had in mind. She concerns too much about her relationship with God and aku terfikir, if she were to be a muslim and see the real beauty of Islam, she could have appreciated her relationship with God even more. I could sense from her saying and from her gestures that she is really in search of something. Tapi tu la, hanya Allah yang berkuasa untuk memberi hidayah kepada sesiapa yang Allah kehendaki.

@qt@r told me, he couldn’t sleep that night, after the special discussion he had with those people. He thought deeply how his words might change someone else’s belief and he repented over how Nabi Muhammad underwent even hardest obstacles. Betapa sabarnye Nabi Muhammad nak sebarkan dakwah. Memang la orang selalu kate “Nabi lain laa..” memang la lain in a sense that he’s a prophet tapi sepatutnya kena la jadikkan Nabi sebagai contoh. Ni tak, selalu nak bagi alasan yang ‘kite ni manusia biasa, memang la banyak dosa’ tanpa segan silunye. Dah tau banyak dosa tanak pulak bertaubat. Astaghfirullah.. Bila pikir2 balik, banyak lagi masalah yang dihadapi oleh umat islam kat dunia luar tapi kita tak ambil kisah sangat. Macam aku laa.. Sob2..

Hmm… Sebenarnya banyak lagi benda nak cakap tapi macam blur sebentar. Dah tengah malam ni.. And belum packing lagi. Esok nak balik =) YAY!! Aku dapat balik awal sebab ada hal hari jumaat ni. Actually, Allah dah gerakkan hati aku untuk join E$Q tr@ining which is starting this Friday until Sunday. So, terpakse la skip kelas hari jumaat. InsyaAllah aku akan share sedikit sebanyak ilmu yang aku dapat daripada training tu.

Tuhanku… daku hadir… daku pasrah
Mengenangkan diri ini yang penuh dosa
Tuhanku… ku sedari
Namun kealpaan menyelubungi
Lantas ku sujud menyerah pada-Mu
Agar disirami cahya kasih-Mu
Dikaulah harapanku
Dikaulah kekasihku
Dikaulah segalanya
Tempat ku mengadu… ku hadir pada-Mu…
Tuhanku… Kau pengasih… Kau pemurah
Mengurniakan daku rahmat dan kasih-Mu
Sungguh aku tak layak untuk Syurga-Mu
Namun tak pula sanggup untuk ke Neraka-Mu
Kerna itu ku sujud menyerah pada-Mu
Agar disirami cahya kasih
Tuhan selangkah ku rapat kepada-Mu
Seribu langkah Kau padaku
Ku tahu pengampunan-Mu melangit tinggi
Engkaulah… Engkaulah…
Ku hadir padamu-Mirwana

Wallahu’alam.

Of being grateful

@imr@n texted me yesterday.

“Q: Why Malays won’t make good leaders? A: Because we take it as a position rather than responsibility. Think about it”

Isn’t that scary? I know he is a philosophical kind of person but I don’t quite get what his real intention is. Bored and sick of all his nonsense, I didn’t even reply his message and answered his call. I don’t agree with whatever he thinks he’s right. I’ve met a lot of good malay leaders and better still, muslim leaders. They even know the fact that kaki pemimpin itu terletak antara syurga dan neraka. Betapa nak menunjukkan beratnye amanah yang diberikan kepada seseorang pemimpin. You don’t have to be a mat salleh to be a leader. That doesn’t guarantee you anything. But oh well.. He’s a psychopath at times. Biarkanlah..

So, it’s been a while since I last checked out fLickR, let alone take photographs myself. To be honest, I really miss holding my camera and snap good pictures but I really don’t have that much time. Pity me. Sob2.. I found this cool pic and I put it as my desktop wallpaper. I think this photo is unique and cool in its own way. I’ve tried few methods to come out with this kinda picture on my own tapi masih tidak berjaya. Inexperienced freelance photographer like me still needs loads of time to sharpen my skill and I don’t know where to find that so-called enormous time. Heh..
Anyways, at right this second, I feel so THANKFUL and amat sangat BERSYUKUR for a few reasons:

• Aku masih dikurniakan nikmat iman dan Islam, insyaAllah untuk aku jaga sampai bila2 sebab aku pernah terbaca kat mane ntah, “Life is Allah’s so keep and save it safe”.
  
• I’m qualified as a Bronze Medallion holder for D0E! Yay!! Akhirnye aku berjaya menempuh satu journey yang sangat memenatkan tanpa sebarang sesatan. Fuh!~
• Alhamdulillah aku dah dapat offer from Leicester =) And since I’m committed to the university, I have to let Notts offer go. Perhaps it’s not meant for me in the first place but I’m ok with that. I know sometimes I might sound greedy and tak bersyukur and memilih tempat tapi aku rasa aku dah dapat nampak the real reasons behind everything and apa yang penting is Allah tahu apa yang terbaik untuk aku. So Leicester, here I come! [Errr.. exam belum lagi daa! Yakin je tau!].
  
• I’m still granted with an inner strength to keep the feelings on hold. I know I’m sick. Uh, it’s just so pathetic of me to behave this way. Hmm.. abaikan..
• dan berjuta sebab yang lain.. Oh, banyaknye anugerah Tuhan yang aku abaikan..
  

I don’t really have much thing to blog. I’m going to step down as a housecaptain this Wednesday and after that, my focus is only meant for my studies [and maybe for Cardiff interview if they call me for one]. I know my biggest responsibility now is to not let my family down. They’ve put their high expectations on me since I was a kid and so far, in terms of my academic achievement, I haven’t let them down [except for my PTS. Hehe..]. I told anid, “Walaupun cita2 aku utk jadik best student, untuk dapat 4flat for once, untuk dapat any award, untuk dapat markah paling tinggi dalam kelas, untuk dapat macam2 lagi tak pernah tercapai, tapi Allah dah bagi aku lebih dari apa yang aku layak dapat. And aku rasa bila2 mase je Allah boleh tarik balik segala nikmat yang Dia bagi..”. I know she must be feeling burdened with all her responsibilities but as long as I’m beside her, I want to make her feel strong and to keep a strong beliefs in Allah because I know she can get something better than what I’ve achieved. And she can be someone better as well.

Anyways, I have chem test tomorrow and Maths test on Tuesday. Wish me luck!

You have always been there for me, O Lord, and I thank You from the bottom of my heart. And I ask for Your Soothing Mercy. I ask for the Mercy from which Prophet Jacob (peace be upon him) told his sons never to despair. I beg for Your forgiveness, O Lord. I have fallen off your path more times than I want to count, O Lord, and You know about every single time. I am so sorry, O Lord. More times than I want to count, O Lord, I have forgotten that - when no other eyes are upon me - Your Magnificent Eyes are watching me. Lord God, I am so sorry. Forgive me, O Lord.

Wallahu'alam

The Stint

"Hi dinos, hehe aku dengar ko dpt notts ek? Congratulasi lah k, papehalpun at least dah secure tempat, so skrg ko kene study je lah k, buat yang terbaik tau, k na, papehal email la aku k, take care.." -lupi

Alhamdulillah, segala puji hanyalah untuk Allah, Tuhan sekalian alam. Aku dah tak tahu nak kata apa. I couldn’t find any way anymore to manifest my happiness. It was really something that I’ve never imagined to happen. I still remember the moment when I stepped my feet out of the interview room, every single hope and dream diminished. Notts was totally gotten rid of my mind because I knew I didn’t give the best out of me and it wasn’t good enough to get me a place. I walked home hopelessly, helplessly, knowing that Notts would never be the place I’d end up in.

But after what had happened today, I knew I didn’t deserve the gift. It was too good to be true. I still cannot believe it myself. I was checking my email as usual in the library and was hoping for at least one reply from ucas but only to find spams. I was just trying my luck and checked my ucas track. The first thing I saw on the site was ‘conditional’ and much to my surprise; it was indeed from Notts Uni. My eyes instantly dwelled because I couldn’t hold my feelings and I stormed out right away and called mum.

You know how sensitive and melancholic I am when it comes to things like this because I really appreciate the precious moment that swiftly passed me by and the reasons behind everything that has happened to me. I mean, I wanted to believe that it wasn’t because I did well in the interview, no, I didn’t. But it still came up the way I’d hoped it to be. Maybe to some people this seems normal and common but to me it doesn’t. After I’ve gone through those hardships all this while I knew it was purely my rezeki. And after being in a right pickle I knew Allah has helped me a lot, more than I could ever see in my mind's eye. And I knew it was because the strong beliefs that I hold on to that actually repaid all those worries I had in mind.

I couldn’t be more thankful. I really am bersyukur with all my hearts and I really hope things would still turn out good in the forthcoming days.

"Tiada satu bencana pun yang menimpa di bumi dan tidak pula pada diri kalian kecuali telah tertulis dalam kitab Lauh Mahfuz sebelum Kami menciptakannya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu mudah bagi Allah. (Kami jelaskan yang demikian itu) supaya kalian tidak berputus asa atas apa yang luput dari kalian dan supaya kalian tidak terlalu gembira terhadap apa yang diberikan kepada kalian. Allah tidak menyukai setiap orang yang sombong lagi membanggakan diri" - Surah Al-Hadid: Ayat 22-23).

Sabarlah menghadapi hari-hari yang sukar kerana semua kesukaran pasti ada akhirnya dan kesabaran itu hanya dimiliki oleh orang yang mempunyai kedudukan mulia.

Wallahu'alam

Vangsawan

“Dina, aku memang mengharap kat props. Tolong la props boleh menang. Aku memang tak rase kite bleh menang acting and menang Bangsawan terbaik.” – Farhana, Diamond Co-Director B@ngs@w@n 2007

Hmm..how should I put this. Ermm..

Well, B@ng$awan is finaly over. YES, IT’S OVER!!! Woohuu!!

I’m not going to tell you every bit of it but one thing for sure it was really superbly splendidly great. Of course every year you would hear something like “This is the best B@ngsaw@n ever!” from the teachers and the judges but seriously, the competition last night was very stiff. The most improved house was surely Garnet and although we lost The Best Props and Backdrops to them, I knew they deserved the award. Diorang banyak tolong Diamond and kitorang selalu share barang2 nak buat props sama2. Diorang memang sangat cool. Eddil and Faei sangat sporting. And they also won The Best Choreography.

Topaz did make the rivalry even more intense as they grabbed the award The Best Costume from Diamond. Hehe.. Their costume memang sangat lawa and to admit, lagi lawa dari costume kitorang last year. And they also won The Best Supporting Actress, which was supposed to be Sapphire last year. Sapphire on the other hand won The Best Technical Support and The Best Actor.

The props, technical, costume and choreography awards were the ones to be announced first and those awards, which were conquered by Diamond last year slipped from our grip and were seized by other houses. And bayangkan HARAPAN MENGGUNUNG Diamond untuk menang semua award tu HANCUR LEBUR macam tu je! Memang cuak tak ble bla bila announce sume semalam. But our hope started to blossom when the judge announced Diamond’s triumph:

• The Best Actress (@ni$)
• The Best Supporting Actor (N@j)
• The Best Script
• The Best Director (Far@hsy@z) AND...
• THE BEST B@NGS@WAN (!!!!!)
  

Walaupun aku mula2 memang sangat frust menonggeng bila tak menang props tapi sume tu terbayar dengan kemenangan gempak yang lain. Memang semua orang kate Diamond last night sangat best! @nis and N@j memang sangat gempak. Script plak memang tak tido malam buat. F@r@hsy@z memang menjerit2, menengking2 nak suruh buat practice. Memang worth it la all efforts that we’d put in. Last year, kitorang disappointed gile bile tak menang The Best Drama. Lepas malam tu je, Ij@ n fahana terus semangat berkobar2 buat jalan crite. Memang right after B@ngs@w@n last year, diorang tak tido malam pikir jalan crite. And tak sangka, impian kini menjadi kenyataan :)

Bagi aku, walaupun kitorang tak menang props, kitorang menang semangat house. Selama ni orang sume pandang rendah kat Diamond and now, we’ve proved them wrong. As for my batch, kitorang dah rasa menang group awards and individual awards. Aku cakap kat junior, they have to maintain the achievement and make Diamond proud no matter how people look down at us. And aku sangat bersyukur to be in the team and make our seniors proud. Aku sangat gembire :)

If we look from a different angle, B@ngs@w@n ni memang sangat membuang masa, tenaga n duit. Spend beribu2 last2 dapat HAMPER JER! Rasa mcm tak worth it langsung. Pastu konon2 nak forge the bond amongst juniors and seniors tapi gaduh jugak tak bleh bla. Siap kene jumpe cikgu mintak maap sume. Junior punye pasal ar ni. Last year mane ade kitorang gaduh2 ngan senior. Mane ade kitorang berani lawan cakap d0d0. Mane berani kitorang cakap ‘tanak’ kat senior. Because we respected them as a senior and at the same time we loved them as a friend. But juniors this time around (bukan semua laa..) ade yang memang tak respect langsung lebih2 lagi dak2 FAMA. “Mak bapak kitorang bayar mahal2 bukan untuk buat semua benda bodoh ni!”. Kurang ajar gile. Agak la spoilt brat tapi nak buat camne kan.

Tapi bagi aku, B@ngs@w@n ajar aku banyak bende. It taught me how to be a different person in a sense that although I’m going to read medicine [InsyaAllah..] I could still portray my artistic talent [cewah!] in a unique way. Aku belajar erti persahabatan [OMG! Rase macam nak nangis!], erti kasih sayang, respect each other, how to prioritize your needs, time management, patience, and last but not least, BELIEFS IN ALLAH. Macam last year memang kitorang mengharap untuk menang the best drama tapi kalah. This year, kitorang memang mengharap menang props tp kalah jugak. Tapi Allah bagi something yang lebih baik.

Memang kalau nak tengokkan bende2 ni lagha and takde unsur Islamic langsung tapi to be on a positive side, there’s more good things than we already see on the surface. I really appreciate every energy, every penny and every sweat I spent on it because I could never find another opportunity elsewhere. And of course, the people I’ve worked with are more than special especially my counterpart, encik Bad and my department people. Bak kate Bad, “Tanpa props, apalah B@ngs@w@n.” Hehe.. And not to forget, our houseparents, Ms. Shr33 and Mr. H@md@n who have been supporting us all way through, we would never be ‘somebody’ without your guidance and your presence beside all the time. Before our house performed last night, we gathered at the back of the hall, recited a doa and listened to the last words from @riff and Mr. H@mdan. Ape yang buat aku nangis [yep, before perform dah nangis dah!! Memang cuak gile!] sebab mase Mr. H@md@n bagi last word tu, sir nangis!!! Suara sir dah begetar2 dah and dia kata, dia memang berharap Diamond menang and he wanted us to do the best. And materializing his wish and didn’t let him down is like fulfilling our own dreams.

Time flies..

Now, it’s time for us, the seniors to step down. Ish, rase sedih la. Tak tahu kenape aku rase sangat sentimental. Tak sangka kitorang dah nak blah. Kenangan dengan seniors dulu masih fresh dalam kepala otak. Lepasni nak kene concentrate 200% in studies. Semalam aku ponteng kelas chem. lagi, tanpa niat ok! Pasrah dengan diri sendiri. Sob2..

After this, we’re going to a different pathway and meet a set of new people and the cycle of life would still keep on going and would never stop. And even so, our purpose of life to be a good Muslim and a good hamba Allah will never change no matter what.

Special note:
1) To Mum, Along Ima, Angah Aya, Icah and Nazme, thanx a lot for coming and for being beside during one of my happiest moments in life. Really love you guys so much :)
2) To Izy, Mi3 and Syir@, thanx for coming and for spending your oh-so-precious time watching our gempak play. Hhehe.. See, I’ve told you guys, tak rugi korang tengok!!!
3) To all Diamonders, you guys roxx!!! We’ve made a history!! Hehe.. Lov u guys so much :)

Ya Allah,
Seandainya ini yang telah ditentukan untukku,
Terbaik untukku,
Redakanlah hatiku,
Agar bisa ku suburkan bersamanya keimanan dan ketaqwaan,
Hadirkanlah keikhlasan, ketenangan, kekuatan serta kebahagiaan,
Dalam menempuhi segalanya ya Allah ke dalam diriku,
Sungguh ku tak mampu menghadapinya sendirian,
Dan daku lemah ya Allah,
Segala yang datang dan pergi adalah dariMU..

Wallahu'alam