This piece is yours

photo taken by Wynona R.

I've seen the bigger picture. I can't do everything and still have everything. So I have to let some pieces go. This piece.. this is your piece. I've watched you earn this piece hard way, the awful way. I know you deserve it. And I'm letting it go..

Good Luck, H :)

And I told you the truth..

“So, what now, Dina?”
“You want me to tell you the truth or you want me to say ‘I don’t know. You decide.’?”

Something just brought me be back to the past, when I wish I would have fixed that particular time. But things just went totally wrong. It was over. And I accepted it even though it was not that easy.

I’ve been working quite hard these few days. Exams are coming up. And I’m trying to keep that thing out of my mind and I’m pretty much fine with that. I’ve been thinking quite a lot of things as well apart from my exams. At times, I just felt so overwhelmed and hope for the things that have been weighing me down to be let off steam at least bit by bit if not all in a go. But when you’re in a totally different time and place, different settings, different people around, you just can’t do it. But I don’t blame the circumstances to be that way. I just need to learn to be more realistic rather than being fragile and do nothing to help myself.

Oh, I’m just taking a break. By rambling, yes. Haha..

I talked to Nad yesterday. Dia cakap zarif and adam dah besar :) I just can’t wait to see them! I don’t want to miss the moment anymore. Arggh! Bencinye perasaan merindui anak sedara!

Ok.. jom sambung belajar!

photo taken by spikeyhelen.

p/s: 12 more days to go :)

What will there be at the end?

"Oh, encik K dah lepas dah final year. Dah jadik Dr. K sekarang."

Fine. Congratulations Dr. K. I wish you all the best in your future undertakings.

If I could have a choice to not knowing someone whom I am totally not familiar with or in other words, someone who has absolutely nothing to do with me right in the first place, it would be encik K. Oops sorry. I mean, Dr. K. Bukan Datuk K ye. Now, I just wonder if Prozium does really exist. Because if it did, I'm desperately in need of it at this moment in time.

Because I have a massively big and gigantic exam [though it only consists of two papers but it matters more than you could ever imagine] in less than two weeks' time and I don't want to waste my time thinking about these loads of claptrap. I don't know why I am so upset about that. No, not because he's a doctor now whatsoever. I don't know. I'm just clueless.

Or probably my next cycle is about to come. Yea, that's more likely. If that's the case, then, thank God!

Oh yea, one more thing. Mr. Dave [my stimulated patient for the communication skill seminar] said: "If you really want to ask people to stop smoking, I advice you to prepare yourself with two important things: Don't be judgmental and don't expect too much. Because quitting from smoking is so damn hard. And no matter how long your endless list of possible risks and complications of smoking yada yada yada is, if the person has not ever considered to quit, then they won't care about what you say. They don't even want to listen to you. And you don't have to waste your time on that."

Well, for me, I would say, you don't be judgmental and you don't expect too much almost on everything! EVERYTHING!

Thank you very much.

photo taken by manganite.

"kalau la kt ada power..mst kt akan try utk vanish ingatan awk kat die". Thanx very much, S. That's very thoughtful of you. And yea, please, by all means, if you ever did, please get my memories of EVERYONE I don't wish to keep in mind vanished into thin air!

It's not difficult.. It's just unbearable.

Running away from the reality has never been the answer to solve the problem. It has been for a few days since I last posted my previous rubbish entries. I was offline almost all the time except when I was skyping with my family. No, it's not because I'm 'puluning' and studying all the time for the exams. That's a big NO. I was basically shunning myself from those unexpected things. Don't worry, you no need to understand what I'm shitting right now. But basically, I did not sit and lay back and thinking about the past. I did not staring outside the window and wishing him well. I did have a weird dream last night but I didn't think about it. I treated the dream as a mere game of thought. I thought I was being coward and the only thing to do was running away. But the thing is, all those running-aways and whatever I did helped me a lot. It was a good solution. So theoretically, I was and am not running away. I am just moving on.

Days go by. Sometimes I feel so scared to move on. The only thing that I loathe so much is when I need and have to think about my future. But yea, I have 'tawakkaltu 'AlaAllaah' to help me out with that. But sometimes, just sometimes it doesn't always come that easy. Nad just got her offer to do medicine in KMB. Icah is now in Terengganu, studying hard for her exams. Lupi is sitting for his exams to. Along Ima just had her second exam today. I'm going to have mine in a few weeks' time. And in few months' time, Mum and Dad will be all alone at home. Isn't that scary? Mum and dad's children are all grown up. I'm going to get my first year of medicine over shortly. And needless to say that he's having his thing in a few weeks' time as well but that's another matter. What I'm trying to say is, time has been catching up on me so fast!

And not just that. I have other plenty of sheeeeeets of paper to deal with. I am an emotional person. Sometimes it's so hard to handle it. Sometimes, it's not difficult at all..but it's just unbearable. It's an ujian. And I am no way running away from it. But what the heck. I have HIM. He's preparing me for being a person with the better. And I should not be complaining. At all.

photo taken by Yusree.

And I have been missing photography for a while :(

p/s: This entry shows clearly that I'm not a pathos. But I don't know why, I'm still doing the countdown. Yes, I ain't a pathos but I am pathetic. You just knew me too well, H. Huhuhaha.. 18 days to go! Geez.. I really don't know what to expect! Excited!

Days Go By

23 days to go. I hope things are getting on well :)

p/s: and 24 days to go before the exams start!

Another Day..

1st of June, 2008.

Finally.

I don't know whether I should remember that date or not. I'm sure will even though I don't want to. I think I'm happy right now. I think I have the widest smile on my face right now. I think it's a tear of happiness on my cheek right now.

I know it will arrive sooner or later. I know I should have prepared for it long time ago. I know I should not be this surprised. I just know it! But why do I feel so akward? Why don't I feel the way I should be?

I just can't stop smiling!! You know what.. I'm not sure whether it's a good news to start off my day with or not. But whatever it is, I am so happy for you. And I will always pray for your happiness.

You know, like what I used to do, I would write you a long letter, telling you how sorry I am for what had happened, telling you how immature and ridiculous everything was, telling you how utterly funny things were, thanking you for those unforgettable ages, basically harking back to the past.

Although this entry is soooo understated and not enough, I'm still not doing it as I know it won't change anything. I don't want to spoil everything as how they have been set up for. As long as I know that this is the true bliss you've been looking for, that means the whole world to me. And I am sooo going to miss you.

Félicitations :)

Oh by the way, my exams are on the 2nd and 3rd of June. And that just spoils my mood T_T

May Allah bless you. And everyone around you.

p/s: To my blog readers, I know you know that I'm writing this specifically for someone else with a hope that the person reads it. But if the person does not, that is just fine. But as a result of this oh-so-shocking news I've just received this morning, I'll probably be offline for these few days. Let's just hope not for that long but I can't make any promise. As I am unacceptably feeling bemused with myself, I think I just need some space and time to get everything healed up. I'm sorry for this nonsensical entry but I myself hope things would be a little bit enlightening when they are just not making any sense at all. And now I'm talking gibberish as well! Urgh, whatever kot? Haha.. Pray for me, will you? Take care :)

The 'Thing'

Dua hari lepas, genap setahun MM tinggalkan dunia blogging. Tak tahu kenapa tapi aku rasa sangat sentimental [being me, of course..]. I don’t know what she has been up to now but I pray to God that she’s coping her life well, be it for herself or for her family.

For the next four sessions, I will be having ‘Neoplasia’ for my MoD [mechanisms of disease] module. Now I get to know better the ‘thing’ that made MM’s life horrible for the past few years. Now I get to acquaint the ‘thing’ through which my aunty has to be. Whatever the ‘thing’ is, I’m sure it’ll make me appreciate this life more.

"During a routine medical check up, it was one of the blood test I request that tells me I have cancer. Listen to our body." - My endless support.

"According to her doctor, with such size of tumor, it is said that it has been developed since 9 years ago. And last day I heard Along Ima and Dad’s conversation about this. She said that the probability for the tumor to undergo metastasis (the spread of cancer from its primary site to other places in the body (e.g., brain, liver)) is quite high and it will be such a miracle if it doesn’t." - The Chill.

“Mak Ham buat CT scan tadi. Doctor kata the cell has gone to the liver and the spleen. About 1 to 2 cm jugak. Hari isnin baru buat bone scan pulak. Ntahla, kesian Mak Ham.” - The Chill II.

One of Lupi's friends in Cork has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Kesian sangat. Tak tahulah apa cerita dengan akak tu. One power that the ‘thing’ has is, it can choose whoever and whenever it wants.

You. Me. Them. Or None.

Now. Tomorrow. Later. Or Never.

photo taken by firdaus omar.

To MM, for what you, MaleNurse and your family had gone through before, I hope your life offers you better things now :)

To ai and sarah, I've changed my background music. Dah tak sedih2 dah. Skrg lagu trance plak. Haha.. If you guys don't like this music as well, blame Zh@riq for making me having a liking for it. Hehe :P

To anyone who'll be having exams in the nearest time, all the best. I'm not gonna have any until early June. So yea, I'm currently not-quite-enjoying these brain-stuffing moments. Let's just hope that we'll survive the days!

To Kak Z@f [whom I doubt will be reading this. Huhu..] good luck with your final project! Semoga Allah permudahkan segalanya.

To miss mimi, thanks for promoting my blog. Now you've put it in a blaze of publicity! Cewah! Hahaha perasannye!! Nak aku belanje, meh la datang UK! Ade Nandos halal. Ha ha..

Ok, jom sambung belajar!

p/s: May we learn some lessons from those previous entries whose links I've put above.