Here comes the snow..

That's all I could give.
You're the shooting star..

Aku..

Sangat..

Takde..

Mood..

Nak..

Update..

Tapi..

Aku..

Nak..

Beremosi..

She's going back to Australia tomorrow. I wonder when we could hang out, catch up on each other, and do things like what best friends always do. Although she's moved to bangi, we're still continentally apart, and have different term and holiday dates. And by that I mean, we'll never get to see each other until God-knows-when.

photo taken by picture.girl.

"I know you’re with me, through and through, in every shooting star." Miss u, izy =)

P/S: Happy 2nd Birthday, Effa!!!!! Mak Na miss u like crazy!! :P

Every Single Thing..

I talked to a friend the other day..

“Have you ever had something that you really treasure, something that you think it’s yours but it’s just not..”

For example, let’s say you’ve been eyeing on this one particular camera, say, a brand new cybershot by sony. You’ve been dreaming to have a digital camera of your own so you started to save some money from your monthly allowance. After a few months, you used the money that you have saved to get the camera for yourself. Just a few weeks after that, your camera got stolen. And you have thousands of photos that you have not uploaded into your laptop. First, you lost all those memorable pictures. Second, you lost the camera which was bought using your money that you have saved for months. How would you feel?

I don’t know why I suddenly started to think about so MANY MANY things. And what’s worrying me is, I thought about my future. Yes, thinking about your future is absolutely dangerous. Ok, fine. It’s good to plan ahead and have your future sketched in your mind to at least give you some sort of encouragement to keep on moving but sometimes, thinking those crappy things makes you go nuts and you just forget how everything has actually been planned by Him and you have by no means no power to interrupt even into your own life. I don’t want to talk about mission and vision. I just want to find my bearings, get into reality and just go on with this life and let it walk on its own pace.

“Have you had any road not taken in your life so far?” asked a friend of mine.

“Yes. Choosing between Nottingham and Leicester was not as simple as it seemed.”

“Perasan tak, kadang2 benda yang kita nak dari dulu, tapi bila dah dapat, kita rasa x puas. Sedangkan ramai lagi orang lain yang nak benda yang kita dah dapat..”

Yes. Humans have always been greedy and desirous of everything they want. And they never feel grateful.

Things have been tough. Life has not been any easier. Medicine has always been psychologically challenging. I’m aware of those obstacles that I need to face but sometimes; I just don’t have the confidence to confront them. I’m too inferior to let my courage take control over everything. I might not even have the guts within myself. I have more and more exams to sit for even after I graduate and God knows how hard those exams are. I have a family to think about. I have [or might not have] a future family of my own to weigh up. I have endless expectations to meet. And now, I’m saddled with financial problems. I’m fearful with something called ‘life’. I keep asking myself “Why do I need to experience this?” “Why am I here?” “What am I really searching in this life?”

“Tau tak @zh, kita rasa seronok sangat tangkap2 gambar dgn camera kita tu. I’m enjoying taking pictures. Tapi kadang2 rasa mcm camera tu boleh hilang bila2 je..”

I came to realise that we always think everything that we possess in our life is ours.

“That’s MY new car..”

“This is OUR new house..”

“This is MY brand new Nikon D70s camera..”

"This is MY boyrfriend.."

"This is MY degree, MY PhD.."

You didn’t steal anyone’s money to buy the camera. You saved your own money. But He could still take it back from you because everything in this life is not yours. The money, the camera, is not meant to be yours. E.V.E.R.Y S.I.N.G.L.E T.H.I.N.G in this world is His. But we are always concealing ourselves in our own world of lies and forget the real truth. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong to use the word 'MY' in our daily life but just remember that it won't be yours forever.

We always get busy reaching our future when we don’t even know we could make it until that very moment of what we call a ‘future’. Ask yourself “What do I want in this life” and you will never get yourself satisfied. You’re killing yourself, scratching your head thinking about uncertainties when the only person who knows E.V.E.R.Y S.I.N.G.L.E T.H.I.N.G that lies ahead of you is Him. But we always forget who we are. We always forget to ask for His guidance in the darkness of this path called ‘life’. We always think what we want but we never consider what He wants. We ask him this and that, but we never do things that He asks us to do. We want to be, in my case, a doctor, but we never want to be what He wants us to be. So, what do we really want in this life?

For the moment, I just want to zzZZZzzzZZzzZzz..

photo taken by rockstro.

[#22: Fear Allah only; not the people nor anything else]

"Let not any one of you belittle himself. They said: O Messenger of Allah, how can any one of us belittle himself? He said: He finds a matter concerning Allah about which he should say something, and he does not say [it], so Allah (mighty and sublime be He) says to him on the Day of Resurrection: What prevented you from saying something about such-and-such and such-and-such? He say: [It was] out of fear of people. Then He says: Rather it is I whom you should more properly fear."

It was related by Ibn Majah with a sound chain of authorities.
Text copied from Al-Nasir's 40 Hadith Qudsi Software v1.0, www.DivineIslam.com

Wallahu'alam..

p/s: Don't worry, MY kekasih hati masih setia di sisiku :D

Something to share..

I almost did something stupid today. Well, not that ‘really’ stupid. But it was stupid. I was getting myself a mug of coffee and I inadvertently took my pepper mill and almost ground it into my coffee! Err ok fine. It doesn’t sound that thrilling but I don’t care. I don’t do that kind of accident. But yea, accidents come almost unexpectedly all the time. And ow yea, it was my eighth mug since last night. I know I sound like killing myself with over consumption of caffeine but that’s the only way to keep myself awake. But apparently, it doesn’t keep me sane. Sigh..

But anyways.. Remember the psycho guy that I talked about the other day? Aku kenal dia dari planet Pluto. Tak kisah la.. x penting.. but he’s a freelance photographer and we used to share tips n stuff. Then he added me on ym and we chatted once. But he didn’t behave himself. He talked crap and I don’t compromise my respect to people who disregard others. So I deleted off his ym. Bengang mmg bengang tp takpela, sabar je la kan.

Then he added me again and apologised profusely like he had nothing else to do. Sebab kesian, fine, aku maafkan laa tp mcm malas nak layan sgt sbb.. takde sebab.. saje suka2.. Then he started to get into his personal stuff. He broke up with his girlfriend. And he couldn’t accept it. Dia mengadu kat aku. Tapi bila aku ckp something, which was intended to encourage or support him in any way, dia tak boleh terima. Dia kate aku x tau cerita sebenar so takyah sebok2. Like…. What thaaaaa??? Siapa yg start dulu?? Lelaki.. mmg ego. But anyhow…

Tapi sbb aku risau tgk lelaki mcm dia, yg dah sayang sangat kat prmpuan tu, yg mcm nak bunuh diri tu, aku pun cuba la tolong setakat yg termampu. Yg penting, mula2 aku x rasa aku ada ‘fikrah’ yg sama dengan mamat ni, if you get what I mean. Nanti kalau aku ckp “insaflah, pulanglah ke pangkal jalan.. ingatlah Allah tu sentiasa ada… blab la bla..” nnt kena maki hamun lagi so aku ckp benda2 biasa je la, dengan harapan, dia nampak sendiri the REASON behind all these is to give him a chance to get back on the right track. So, aku biar je dia nak meluahkan prasaan kat aku ke ape ke. Masa dia tgh bebel2 kat ym, aku tgk la youtube ke, buat notes on cartilage and bone ke. Har har.. Jahat kan? Tak kisah laa.. Dan rupa2nya, dia dibuat orang. So dia pegi berubat. Fine..

Lepastu, sejak akhir2 ni, die mcm dah berubah pulak. Selalu pulak nak share doa2 dgn aku. Baru hari tu dia suruh aku dengar lagu jiwang ape ntah, skrg nak bg doa pulak. Hmm.. ini sudah lain ni. Takdela aku nak kata dia jahat and nak bersangka buruk ke ape.. tak langsung.. tp the person I knew was not like who he is now. Tapi aku senyap je laa.. Malas nak ckp pape. Mmg tak pernah nak bring up any story pun sbb malas dah. Lepastu, tadi aku tulis benda pelik kat status ym. Pastu die buzz..

XY: grey matter, u mean
deyna rashid: does it make any difference?
deyna rashid: ahah.. whatever
XY: err
deyna rashid: my brain cant function very well at the mo
deyna rashid: *puke*
XY: occey..someone is going crack already
XY: kenapa ni sis? whats up?
XY: exam next week is it?
deyna rashid: hermmm nothing.. i;ve been locking myself in my room doing nothing else but studying.. since last week
deyna rashid: n the exams are in two days' time
deyna rashid: but i'm not sure if i could stand the waiting moment anymore
deyna rashid: haih..
XY: i can teach u something
XY: but u need to be willing on it and believe it
XY: ada bran?
deyna rashid: oh my god.. i just hope it wont put me into insanity
deyna rashid: haha
XY: u sana what time?
XY: as in what time is it now?
deyna rashid: 311 pm
deyna rashid: and its been raining all day
deyna rashid: n its going to maghrib at 4+
XY: ok..rain is a good time for u to pray
deyna rashid: the weather really doesnt help
XY: tunggu lepas isya'
XY: masuk isya' nanti sembahyang macam biasa
XY: wait
XY: can u pray?
deyna rashid: i guess.. for now yes
XY: occey
XY: lepas semayang
XY: baca bismillahi..lepas tu selawat nabi tujuh kali
XY: lepas tu deyna mintak apa2..make sure 7 perkara, lebih tak apa
XY: n make sure deyna cakap sampai dengar di telinga..jgn baca dalam hati
XY: lepas cakap semua permintaan tu...cakap ya Allah, sampaikanlah hajatku, dan makbulkanlah doaku.
deyna rashid: ooow ok.. good tips
XY: lepas tu sedekahkan fatihah sekali
XY: dah. lepas tu insya allah hilang rasa gemuruh
XY: nanti lepas buat, bgtau mi k ape rasanya
deyna rashid: thanx a lot xxxxx.. i really appreciate that
XY: kalau nak elok lagi
XY: kan
XY: deyna amik segelas air masak
XY: lepas semayang tu deyna baca 7 kali selawat
XY: deyna baca ni: Bismillahi. Ya Allah yang aku sembah, sempurnakanlah pelajaranku, berkatilah pengajianku, cemerlangkanlah peperiksaanku, dan tenangkanlah hati aku (nama Deyna binti nama emak) dengan berkat doa lailahaillallah muhammadarrasulullah
XY: hembus tiga kali pada air
deyna rashid: nama emak?
XY: minum pada teguk yang ganjil la..jgn teguk sekali pulak
XY: haah. nama emak
deyna rashid: ok
XY: memang..slalu orang ckp untuk talkin je
XY: tak
XY: nama emak tu menambahkan baiknya
XY: insya Allah la

Hmm.. not bad. Tapi nyesal pulak ckp “.. i just hope it wont put me into insanity”. Hah hah.. ye la, dia selalu nak peningkan pale otak aku je. Tak sangka pulak dah jadik baik. Alhamdulillah laa..

Now, aku buknla nak kata apa tp aku curious sikit bab2 ni. I mean, so far takdela pulak dia suruh baker kertas yg ada ayat quran ke, celup kertas yg ada ayat quran then minum air tu ke. Takdela.. tapi.. curious la jugak. Ye la, aku mana laa handal n berilmu sangat dalam bab2 ni. Tapi, tak salah pun kalau buat. Elok je.. So, tu laa.. Saja je nak share. Because bak kata maim0t, dan seluruh dunia, “Sharing is Caring..” :D

Okeh.. gotta get back to my books! Selamat!~

picture taken by el7bara

[#33: Awareness of Allah's Mercy]

"A servant [of Allah's] committed a sin and said: O Allah, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for them. Then he sinned again and said: O Lord, forgive me my sin. And He (glorified and exalted be He) said: My servant has committed a sin and has known that he has a Lord who forgives sins and punishes for sins. Do what you wish, for I have forgiven you."

It was related by Muslim (also by al-Bukhari).

(Text copied from Al-Nasir's 40 Hadith Qudsi Software v1.0, www.DivineIslam.com)

Wallahu'alam..

p/s: Hai @zhreen :)

Feeling Good :)

You know what’s the best thing to feel? A feeling that you’d never be able to describe how beautiful it is and a satisfaction that only one particular smile can tell?

I used to be a person who hates people easily. I used to have bad judgments on people and let the detestation grow frenziedly from within. And one way to channel it away is of course through this blog. I wrote bad things about people I hate like nobody’s business.

However, was it more by luck than judgment, those people I wrote about found out those entries. Well, as devastated as I should have expected them to be, I regretted it until now. I was very embarrassed with myself and I just didn’t have anything else to back me up. That was when my bad karma was repaid. And I really deserved it.

Anyways, thankfully there is still a good side in me who wanted to go for a change. I was not sure when but I somehow submitted myself to a change, and being someone better. Rasanya lepas pergi E$Q kot, baru la faham, siapa la aku nak benci2 orang, nak dendam2 dgn org sedangkan diri sendiri banyak dosa, mungkin dengan orang lain tp semestinya dengan Allah. Sedangkan Allah pun Maha Pengampun, siapa la aku tanak maafkan kesalahan org lain kan?

Then, slowly, the loathing started to fade away. And I could finally accept everyone as they are and not anyone else. Now, the hatred is gone, and Alhamdulillah, the love is stepping into the light and all I want is too see those people smile and be happy.

Two days ago, I got a bad news from my bro. His friend’s grandmother passed away. “She was crying when I called her..” and the grief just suddenly ate me from inside and there I was, thinking about the totally opposite feeling than I used to sense over this fella long ago. Well, she knows I used to hate her but the way she treats me makes me hate myself even more because she is really a nice person. I felt sorry for her and I felt uneasy myself. I couldn’t sit still and I thought, I had to do something. So I asked S@r@, my 3rd year senior, for her mobile number and I texted her, conveying my condolence and supporting her to be strong.

“Hi dina. Thanx a lot. Hope you’re ok there. Do take care yeah..”

And I felt so relief. And happy. For doing something I’ve never thought of before. And made her feel better. I might not be the reason why she should be strong but at least, I did something good.

And everytime I think about it, I smile to myself. Something might seem so small and insignificant and worthless to one’s eyes but what matters the most, is the other party who wholeheartedly and sincerely gives the best thing to other people. Erti h!dup p@da memberi. It really means the world.

This picture is one of my favourites. Taken by -Dorothea-.

To all first year Leicesterian medics and m@r, I dedicate this gambar cun to all of you, with a message: Good Luck for the exams!! :) Thanx for helping me with studies. Thanx for always be there in the study group. Thanx for supporting each other. May we make this through and succeed with flying colours, insyaAllah :)

Merepek lagi.......

ijun (12/1/2008 4:20:47 PM): rushdina! anis kate die teringat kat ko. tp bile die msg2 ko, slalu xdek reply.
ijun (12/1/2008 4:24:16 PM): pastu, die suh aku je sampaikan..sobsob..kesiannya die dina. die kate die xde la baik sgt ng ko (boleh juga bermaksud ko xbaik sangat) tp 2,3 minggu ni die teringat kt ko. .pesanan tamat.

Aku sgt sedih bile dpt msg from ijun. Rasa besalah kat @nis. I received her offline message on ym the other day but I totally forgot to reply. I didn't even say 'hye' when she added me on ym. Then, just now she buzzed me again while I was gone for my study group. As far as I’m aware of myself, I’m not that kind of person. I usually reply people’s emails or messages or smses as soon as possible but tak tahu la kenapa sejak akhir2 ni mcm banyak sangat je benda nak buat. Kepala xdela serabut sangat (ke sangat serabut sampai tak faham serabut tu ape?) walaupun nak exam minggu depan tp banyak benda yg berlegar2 dalam kepala otak ni. Tak tahula apanye.. P@m punya message 2 bulan lepas pun x reply lg. dah la dia ada Leicester interview next week. Dengan masalah peribadi budak psycho mane ntah yang aku malas nak layan tp tak sampai hati nak abaikan. Bak kata *n@d, "Sometimes you have to be selfish..". Hmm ntah bila aku mampu jadik ikan, tak tahula. Ya Allah, sabar je la..

Skrg baru pukul 935mlm tp mata dah tak boleh tahan dah. Semalam tido kol 2.30 sbb banyak sgt ambik caffeine n bangun dengan paksa-rela kol 730 dan tak tido smpai skrg. Padahal banyak benda nak kena baca. Masalahnya, kalau otak dah penat sgt, nak push pon x boleh. Ok ok, aku tanak komplen pape. Mungkin ni adalah cara aku utk cope dengan benda lain, whatever that benda lain is.

Oh, and surat cinta aku bagi kat Dr. H@le$ masih belum dibalas. Mcm mana ni? Takkan dia reject aku kot?

Oh, and MARA baru masukkan £650. nak kena bayar 0pal £1261. Mcm mana ni? Nak kena duk dalam kotak bawah jambatan la kot.

Ok, aku dah start merepek. Lebih baik tido..

*mum tak bagi panggil @nid sebab maksud @nid dalam bahasa arab ialah keras kepala. SANGAT!!!

Kata2 semangat from anis utk aku, utk esok hari sbb malam ni dah x larat nak keep awake: "And whoever fear Allah-He will make for him a way out.".. Thanx Anis *hugs* :)

p/s: Ni adalah my first attempt on zoom blurring effect. As what the photo says, I NEED TO FOCUSSS!!!!

pp/s: HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY QIL@H!! :)

O Allah! There is nothing easy except what You make easy, and You make the difficult easy if it be Your Will. Amiinn..

They're Gone..

It seems like this is the first entry of the Gregorian and Islamic year. Starting off with some emotional and poignant entry couldn't be any worse, could it? Yea, my mum and sisters are gone back home, and leave me all alone.. again. I've never been this bad before. It's just so empty. Incomplete. And lonely. Never thought homesickness could be this painful. This is the worse state I've ever been ever since I came to Leicester. Missing my mum, anid and icah. Missing the sound of merriment. Missing the time spent together. Missing every single bit of it. I know things are now back to normal and I can't have everything I want. But it's just so hard for me to move on. Just so.. hard.

Now I'm in no mood to make this entry draggy and boring and I have my exams in less than two weeks from now and God knows how far things are ahead of me. But He knows as well, how struggling I was to keep everything on pace. Now all I need is strength from Him. And prayers from all of you.

SALAM MAAL HIJRAH.