I can feel it..

I went to see my tutor, Mr$. B yesterday to see and discuss my semester report with her. Alhamdulillah, my report depicts better statements than before. Hehe…I was mostly touched with what Miss Aiz@n wrote in my report. I never thought she’s been observing me all this while. Well I know most of the teachers are actually monitoring what the students do in class and how they perform all the way but nothing has ever struck me that she actually concerns that much and appreciates every effort that I have put to improve myself in every way. I’m just touched. Heh… Mr. Z@bed lagi la, siap tulis ‘please read A2 syllabus over the holidays and make some notes’. Aduhai…Exam pun tak habis lagi dah suruh buat notes. Apakah… Siap tulis dlm report bg satu dunie tau. Ahaks.. Takpe, sayang Mr. Z@bed jugak no matter what. Haha..

And then I told Mr$. B about things that are bothering me at the moment. I mean, all those universities application and that sort of things. I was wondering why most of medical students in my college tend to apply to C@mbridge instead of Oxf0rd. In fact, none of them applied to Oxf0rd. She said it’s just because of the name. Hmm.. and Oxf0rd apparently offers less place than C@mbridge. But to me, Oxf0rd makes me feel more comfortable than Cambridge does. I don’t even feel pleased to apply to C@mbridge. I don’t know why.

I admit, all this while I might appear cynical when it comes to applying to 0xbridge but I don’t know what has gotten me recently such that I’m now more encouraged to give it a go. Tak tahu laa.. sejak due menjak ni rase lain. I mean, I’ve never been like this before. Sangat ambitious and sangat semangat. It’s good but it’s just sooo not me. That totally scares me you know. I’ve never had a confidence within myself to go for both prestigious Universities. It’s not getting a place that matters. I know and certainly sure that my chance is sorely thin but…ntahla. Somehow I think the experience and all-out effort speaks louder than anything else.

And like what Mr$. B said yesterday, I’ve got nothing to lose (except for one ‘space’ in UC@S form that can be filled with other U that might seem more relevant to me). I don’t want to be regretful after few years, that’s all. I told her about my thought of going to Oxf0rd and she is just the right person for me to get the advice from. After talking to her, I felt very very positive and encouraged.

You know what, all this while, I always believe that believing in myself is the core principle of everything that I do in my life but when I came here, I hardly see all those beliefs in my own eyes. Inferiority complex gets the control most of the time. I still cannot believe up till now that out of hundreds of M@RA scholars, I am one of them who got a place in KYU3M. I’m not that good if I were being compared with other people, seriously. But that is what people call ‘rezeki’ kan. I’m sure Allah has his own reason why He chose me to be here. And bit by bit, day by day, I can see why.

Semalam lepas ckp dgn Mr$. B, memang rasa macam nak nangis sangat (biasa la dina.. Haha..). Maybe because I’m scared of keep on moving and petrified of confronting the vague encumbrances. After this, more and more responsibilities are coming in and like what I always say to my friends and to Anid; life never gets easier. Memang emotional ah semalam. Haha.. Memang dah ‘time’ pun. Ahaks.. I felt like talking to somebody but I had nobody to let everything out to so I called Mum and told her about everything. She started to be worried about me sebab dia taknak la after this, I need to struggle more and lagi tensyen sebab nak apply to Oxf0rd. Memang keje lebih sikit la kan but being honest to myself, I don’t see that as a brick wall that I need to come up against. I just have the strong hope and beliefs, that’s all. Ntahlaaaaaaaa…rasa macam tak sedia lagi untuk pikir bende2 ni tapi kalau tak pikir sekarang, bile lagi.. Hmm… Lepastu terlepas tanye kat Mum, ‘Lancaster ade medic tak?’. Boleh Mum jawab ‘Mana ade. Lancaster mcm Warwick la for business and accounting semua. Ada siapa kat sana?’. Aish..susah la mak boleh bace fikiran anak ni. Hahahaha!

So the countdown started yesterday and I have more or less 17 days before the sem break starts. Sem break doesn’t mean I’m in holidays (mind me..). Banyak research on Univs nak kene buat. Photography class lagi. Hahah berangan.. Nak handle ‘kesedihan’ lagi. Wakakaka poyo gilos.. Hmm dah start merepek dah ni.

Oh by the way, today is the stalker’s birthday. See, betapa baiknye dina sampai igt stalker punye birthday. Teharu gile ah mamat tu. No, sampai sekarang I don’t know who’s the guy. Malas laa nak layan. Die tanak bgtau dah la kan. Tapi kelakar la, dah setahun kawan dengan org gile [jahat gile ayat..] Haha…

Ok la, malas nak bebel bende merepek. Heh.. Till then.. Tata~

[note: I read The Star yesterday and it said all Malaysian students in Y0gyakarta are doing ok. So with that I hope Max is doing ok as well, insyaAllah..]

"Ingatlah, sesungguhnya segala yang ada di langit dan di bumi adalah kepunyaan Allah. Awaslah! Sesungguhnya janji Allah itu adalah benar tetapi kebanyakan manusia tidak mengetahui." Surah Yunus: 55

This is not good

A: Dina, tau tak Indon ade earthquake?
Me: Yea, I come across the headline tp x sempat nak bace. What's up?
A: I don't read the news but I think it was quite a big one. Oh yea, and sorry to say that it was in Y0gyakarta.
Me: What??!!!! U mean exactly in Y0gyakarta or somewhere nearby?
A: I'm not sure but that's what I heard. Are you still in contact with Max? I hope he's not affected.
Me: Nooo..aku dah lame tak contact die. Shite..

And so I checked out the news.. I found out about Malaysian students who are studying in Univ. Gadj@h M@da are sent back to Malaysia. I'm not sure whether he's affected or not but as the news say so, I think he's in the group. Kalau tak pun, I'm sure he's somewhere within the area jugak. I'm really really not happy with this. Now, I can feel that my vision speaks the truth.

Dear God, may You hold him in the hollow of Your hand... Ameen~

Farewell, So Long

The other day, Ija and me traded our secrets about mr. 768477. So she has a crush on him too. Eh no. I mean, she has a crush on him without the word ‘too’ if you get what I mean. Heh.. Lawak gile tak bleh blah ar. Haha.. But it was kinda fun having a looong chat with Ija the night before I had my SECOND LAST paper, which was chemistry paper 1. Yep, sadly, it wasn’t THE LAST. The last paper will be on next Wednesday. I mean, on the 7th. After wondering for ages, now I know who is mr. 768477’s pet sis. Good to hear that he’s labeled as ‘pet bro yg tak bergune’ Hahaha!! Because I know how and when he can be a ‘kawan yg bergune’ Hehe…

I know..it’s only 2 weeks to go before everything ends. The good news for myself is, I’m getting better and fine about it. I’m cool as usual :) Maybe because I’m working on the Diam0nd Farewell Party at the moment so, I don’t really have much time to layan all these crappy and think too much about it. Just let the time goes on its own pace la kan.

One weird thing about me is, whenever I get emotional (in this case, over this lad) I will calm myself by deleting everything I have that reminds me of him i.e. messages and his phone num and pretend like they never exist. Poyo? Ahah…normal la tu. Idop mesti poyo kan izy? Huhu.. I have 2 numbers, one is maxis and the other one is celcom. It means to say that I have 2 handphones. So, in the first place, I saved his num in both phones. The funny part comes when I deleted his num in the first phone and tried to memorize his num from the second phone but only to find that I have already deleted the num in the second phone. Heh.. Kesimpulannye, no tu dah ilang. Huhu.. The other funny part is, yesterday, while I was looking for his last message that I kept in one of my blog entries, I found that I had already canceled that part of the entry. Siot betul.. Sekarang, nyesal delete sume bende. Hahaha.. But it’s ok. I can feel new things will come in along the way. Ahaks.. Nah, I think it’s better to have things this way. All I need to do is just keep myself contented and hope everything will turn out good. And of course, pray hard for my AS results that will be announced next August. Cuak gile bebb..

So the next agenda is the house farewell party. It’s an annual event that junior i.e. my organizing committee have to conduct to celebrate our seniors before they leave soon *sob sob* I just can’t imagine how the diam0nd house atmosphere would be without those happy-go-lucky seniors. Indeed, every sweet memory will always be engraved in mind. Since I was in the secondary school, I had never have a bunch of happy seniors beside like what I have here in kyu3m. Although I’m not very close to P3jai (my pet bro) and Kak Mir@ (my pet sis), they will always be a brother and a sister to me. And 3ppy yg comel, h@zwan yg klaka, kak zaz@ yg sweet, yan@ pau yg kecowh, d0d0e yg cool, d3he yg poyos, and semua la!! Uuuuuu…sedihnyee. But that’s how things go. Every meeting will always come with a part. Happiness will always come with unhappiness. That’s life and we have to live with it no matter what.

Time flies extremely fast. Rasa mcm baru semalam je enroll tapi sebenarnye, dah nak dekat setahun duk kolej ni. Rase kejap sgt. Tuptaptuptap, next sem I have to start working on my personal statement and have to make decision on which University to apply. And IF AND ONLY IF I were applying for Oxf0rd or C@mbridge (which I think I won’t get the offer but just try, I've got nothing to lose), I need to make everything settled by September. Haih…cuaknyeee!!!!!! Takpe2, there’s always Him beside for us to depend Him on. Pray for me yea people!!

Better stop now. Nak gi makan. Heh..Tata~

P/S: Happy Birthday to youuu.. Happy Birthday to youuuu.. Happy Birthday to Ikma111111.. Happy Birthday to youuuu!! Mal, congrats for the offer! Hidop bahgie menjadi londoner huh?? ;p All da best in LSE!

Kebosanan

Soon, result mara akan keluar. Teringat setahun yg lepas, rase mcm dah nak meletop duk umah 7bulan tunggu offer yg 'best'. SimeDarby was the first to call tp unfortunately diorg tak offer medic. Lepastu dpt call from KUTPM, lagi la tanak pergi. Hahaha..[jahat gile.heh..]. Petronas reject awal2 *[tak suke petronas :(]. Lepastu dengan harapan yg amat tipis, ingat tak dpt mara sebab interview cam siot [Haha..] tp alhamdulillah, I'm glad I've gone through all those jumbles and now, I'm paying mara back and hope to get what they have expected. Talking about mara, out of 50mara seniors, 4 people didn't get any offer. Sangat kesian and sangat sedih. One of them applied Prague, Czech Republic but also got rejected. And to make things worse, that particular senior sepatutnye kena re-sit Bio practical which is pegi tadi but she was not feeling very well so tak boleh la nak sit for that paper. Kesian sangat kat akak tu. Sangat besar ujian yang Allah bagi kat dia.

Another news is, mara and Jpa most probably will not be sending their scholars to KYU3M anymore. The reason is because of the high fees. Kalau mara tak anta langsung boleh terima jugak la sebab from 50 current senior scholars, diorang diorang kurangkan to 10 je [which is my batch] so logik jugak la kalau mara dah tak hantar langsung. But Jpa??? They used to be the main sponsor ever with almost 60% of the students. Nak harap UEM scholars pun, diorang ade brape ketul je kot. Dah la kolej sekrang tengah buat renovation besar2an dengan harapan to get more enrolments. Huhu..tak syok betul takde junior mara. Ahaks.. And I also heard that petronas pun MAYBE tak hantar jugak. Cumanya, ade new sponsor which is Khazanah Nasional [kot..khazanah ape tah. Heh..] tapi bajet ah.. tak sampai punye 50orang Khazanah scholars. So, kesimpulannye, UEM World is indeed making a loss Hahaha.. [Time kelas econs, Mr. C0nquest ade bgtau pasal GLCs (Gov. Linked Companies) and he said, out of 15, 4 are making a loss. Namely, the MAS, Bank Islam, Proton and.. time die nak ckp UEM World, he said 'ok, you shall all stand up and be proud to be in the list!'. Kitorg yg naive ni pon tak paham and tak gelak. Beberapa saat lepastu baru paham. Hahahaha!]. Eh tak ah, aku sayang ah kolej aku. This college is simply the best college ever! Ahaks poyo..Aku sangat bosan senornye. Esok ada another 2 papers which are bio p2 and stats. And then.. 2 more to go!!!! Huish.. serious tak sabar nak habes exam. Penat ah.. Otak pun dah mereng. Tak saba ecotrip pegi Teluk Rubiah!!! Tapi sedih..senior dah nak blah. Waaaaaaa!~

*Benci petronas je. Scholars tak ;) Jgn pasrah k izy :) Mane boleh benci petronas scholar. Haha!~

[note: the picture was taken during college's birthday celebration. Dah 8tahun dah kolej ni tapi orang masih tak kenal kyu3m. tak glemer langsung. huhu..]

The Repentance

Examination mode has kept me out of the real world. It has been more than a week I haven’t read or even checked out and had a glance on the news website. All I could do to keep my sanity over the whole week was to call my Mum everyday and chatted with her about the ‘normal’ things. Or otherwise I’ll go mad with all the books being piled up on my desk. It’s not the tense that I’m taking the hard line on; it’s just the thought of thriving. It’s no joke people. Despite the second chance of re-sitting those dreary papers, I’m not willing to go for it. And I believe nobody is.

Anyways, I don't seem to write interesting things now as my brain is still full of 'academic stuff'. I don't want this post to sound soo 'biol' if you get what I mean. Hehe..Alhamdulillah, 3 papers were through and I have to go through another five hand-to-hand combats. So far, I think I've tried my utmost. Though I myself will never be completely prepared before I step into the hall but that is how it works I guess.

When people start to talk about those just recent papers that we had done the other day, especially chemistry paper 3, I always try to underlie myself with my own beliefs and cooling myself down by keeping on praying hard and hoping everything would be ok. But only to find that everyone else is undermining their own confidence. True, the question was 'damn hard' if you want to express it in your own way (they said so because the most brilliant student did not manage to attempt all questions and cried after that particuarly paper was over) but I believe that definitely rang alarm bells in hoping those 'mereka-yg-sentiasa-berasa-hebat' people will realise that things will never be on their side all the time. I'm not being a sleazy braggart or what (although Alhamdulillah, I managed to attempt all, yea, I'm not very confident with it) but I really hope these people will one day except the fact that 'life is like a wheel. it has its own ups and downs'.

That's basically it I think. Nak mandi and pergi makan. Lapar! Heh.. Tata!~

Kemudian jika mereka berpaling ingkar, maka katakanlah (wahai Muhammad): "cukuplah bagiku Allah (yang menolong dan memeliharaku), tiada Tuhan (yang berhak disembah) melainkan Dia; kepadaNya aku berserah diri, dan Dia lah yang mempunyai Arasy yang besar." Surah At-Taubah:129

Messed up

Apa yang aku rasa sekarang ni:

• Rase sangat kelakar and tak tahan nak gelak. Sebab? Macam2. Salah satunye is sebab bace blog Encik M@n yang dihiasi dengan sebuah lagu yang sangat....cool.. Hahahahahaha!!!! *gelak besar!!* *lol* *rotfl* *dan-sewaktu-dengannye*
• Sangat tensyen dan bengang. Sebab chem paper3 susah cam haram. Tak bajet pun nak keluar soalan organic kat paper3! Apakah???!! Takpe..ni baru internal exam. AS next week I'll be more prepared. Eceyh..aku masih cool cam biase. Haha
• Menyampah and meluat kat diri sendiri. Sebab... JAKUN!! Jakun sebab ape?? Sebab bende bodoh. Bende bodoh tu ape?? Tak mampu nak ckp sebab sangat bangang. Dah la tu dina oi!!
• Sangat rileks. Sebab internal exam tinggal satu paper je lagi!! Yay!!
• Pecah kepale. Sebab AS start next week! *hypervantilating!*
• Ngantuk. Sebab pagi tadi bangun kol 4 pagi. Dan kengantukan lagi terase sebab ade econs class kejap lagi *YAAAAWWWNN!*
• Takut and cuak. Sebab maths n bio tak sentuh pape lagi. And next sem dah start apply U!
  
• Rindu. Dekat flickr sebab dah lame tak bagi daily dose kat diri sendiri. Dekat Nazme, Salma and Aida sebab dah 2 minggu tak balik and I have about 4 to 5 weeks to go before I can go back. Shites!
• Sedih. Sebab... Uh, let's just keep that to myself :(

Kesimpulannye: I need my medicine!!!!!

ukhuwah fillah

Sahabatku..
Jika hari ini aku terlalu gembira,
Sedarkanlah aku dengan amaran-amaran Allah..
Jika ku bersedih tanpa kata,
Pujuklah aku dengan tarbiah Pencipta..
Jika ku lemah tak berdaya,
Ingatkanlan aku dengan kehebatan syurga..
Jika antara kita ada tembok yang memisah,
Ajaklah aku meleraikannya segera..
Jika pernah hatimu terluka disebabkan daku,
Luahkanlah agar aku mengubah diriku..
Dan jika esok ku lena tanpa terjaga,
Iringilah lenaku dengan kalungan doa..
Berjanjilah temanku,
Ukhuwah kita untuk selamanya.. ^_^

This is one of my favourite friendster testimonials that I will always and forever remember. Although I'm not like what he stated above, because I'm not able to do that, at least the credo is there. Sometimes I do think that deleting my friendster account is a very deeply regrettable mistake but at the same time, I think that's the best decision. I've been playing around with my own phantasm since I met him and it's the time now for me to bail out (and I've been saying this for the millionth time. Hahaha!). I'm struggling, I tell you. Never in my life have I thought things would be this sophisticated. And never in my life have I ever wondered that things would be this hard. But I believe in faith and I always know that nothing is coincident. There is always a bliss beyond everything.

Anyways, I'll be having the chemistry paper2 this afternoon. I don't really get the jitters if I must say. Not that I'm over-confident whatsoever. Just some sort of strong beliefs inside that somewhat gives me hope. Hope I will do well in all papers, insyaAllah. Till then..

p/s: Happy 19th birthday to Aisy@h Zaf|=an and Za#ir H@ika1. Thanx for the wonderful friendship :)

The Models

Before my interest in photography got into existence, I used to like cars very much especially the Beemers. Regardless of any flaw alongside (as if they have any! Hehe..) or any resentment people have against them, Beemers will always catch my attention in each and every situation. But since I happened to get a hold the opportunity to be drawn in photography and started to learn new things about it, I seldom check cars website out not as often as I used to. The interest is still there though. Maybe it’s just because photography seems to be somewhat new, so there I get a bit ‘jakun’ Hehe..

So this flattering headline made me sit up. Those drop-dead gorgeous cars have never failed to knock me out!! I TRY not to be prejudice whatsoever or discriminate any party but the new so-called Proton sports cars don't really have any significant knock-on effect on me. They do not seem very appealing as expected, so to speak. But it’s good enough for Proton to diversify their production in hoping that their involvement in international marketing will become better. I’m not into this kind of thing but since Abg Amir is working with Lotus in Norwich of which Proton has its shares or something like that so I kind of trying to get along with it. Anyhow, check the website out. The cars are very very kewl.

Digressing to photography, recently I bumped into quite a number of new blogs with magnificent pictures in them. Jeles gile ngan diorang!!! Gambar sume lawa2. I’m planning to go for a photography class this semester break. Semangat gile. Hehe.. Lepastu nak self-potrait byk2. Haha.. Tak pun tangkap gmbr mr. 768477 senyap2 *wink wink* Haha…Oh talking about this guy, I got this one stupid and funny thing to tell. Ada orang jeles and rasa tergugat dengan aku just because that guy sent me an e-mail suruh forward kat org ramai. Orang ramai ni pulak (this one girl particularly) pikir bukan2, kate aku ade affair ngan mamat ni. Hahahahah *gelak besar tak hengat!* Kalau ade takpe gak. Aku pun suka hati. Haha..Masalahnye takde, takyah ar nak kecoh2 kan. Ish2, serious tak paham. But who cares. I don’t even give a toss. Org duk ckp lama2 boleh jadik doa, lagi bagus. Haha..

Ok ok, I’m drifting away. Should stop now or else my econs assignment would never get done. Aduhai econs..Ok guys, have nice days ahead!

A gentle reminder for myself...

..I'm now studying in kyu3m and competing with my rivals and I by no mean would win the game if I keep on going through the wrong way. So shall I start the new and the right mean before everything gets too late..

Supposedly, the newly created url of this blog should have gotten the chance to hide under its shadows but apparently, 2 more persons have finally come across this blog, inadvertently I suppose. Or is it intentionally? Hehe.. No no, don’t get me wrong. I really don’t mind and I’m in no intention to change it again. No obvious reasons for that I guess. It’s just…funny when the unlikely things are happening instead. Oh, it’s not a big deal anyway.

So, Pak Kojer has finally moved over to Wordpress and being oh-so-techie person of him, he managed to keep up well. And as ever, his writings never bring me down. You know what? If I happened to study in UK in near future (Allah willing, Aminn..), I would be very honored to meet him. I don’t know why. Maybe because I’ve been reading his blog since last year and know quite a lot (not literally though) about him and he is indeed a person to be looked up to. He’s an interesting man I presume. Oh, and his post about ‘The Necklace’ has never failed to get me! I just like whatever he rambles on.

Anyways, my speaking test with Mr. Cr@nwell went out good. He’s very supportive and kewl. Really enjoyed chatting with him. Not just the about ‘NHS jobs being cut off’ but the whole friendly conversation was a pretty winning one. He does not teach me and has never taught me English before, so that was a pretty good start I guess. And he reminds me so much of Pak M@n. I’m not sure which part. Jambang die kot. Hehe..

Well, I don’t really have things to write actually. Just a little thought to be get rid of. Hehe.. And as usual, silat practice will be held tonight *panting* Sigh…I’m not sure since when but just recently, I think I have started to get gripped by my own future planning. I’m not as ambitious as my other friends I tell you. Seriously..I have been living in competitive environments since I was a kid and I have never found them hard to deal with. Not that my rivals are not competitive enough. Hell they sure are!!! But here in kyu3m especially, I can assure you that amongst the students, I am the last person to read on current issues be it economical or political. I don’t mind if people know more things than me, they should get their own credits but I myself am so ‘malas’ to be hardworking and be a 'pulun' student. Hehe.. But duh (!) I'm not a gifted person and forcedly have to work hard at the end of the day. Sigh..

You know, people over here do read that sort of things for self-gaining and of course for other potential benefits like interviews and all that. But I don’t usually SEARCH current issues to read them on. I’m more into blogs. Hehe.. But I don’t know what has gotten me, I found it very very interesting to know about new things that I don’t know. You get what I mean? And they are surely helpful no matter for my own language developments or for my own knowledge. In a way, it results in expansion of my ‘the-most-read’ list regardless the type of the writings (sadly to say, the nonsense ones top the good ones off. Hahaha!). It’s a good thing; I’m not denying it. And it’s interesting too. And I slowly get to expose my mind to things other than personal stuff, be it of my own or of other people’s. That’s another good thing. At least I’m building up my self-confidence from within, that’s good enough.

I actually have things to get done. Hehe.. But you know, writing gives me pleasure once in a while. And I think my brain is congested with chemistry, econs, maths and bio stuff. So might as well ‘dilute’ them off and get them digested well. Hehe.. Oh, talking about mr. 768477 (it’s for me to know and not for you to find out ;p), I saw him in black today. And as ever, he always looks smart no matter what colour he is in. Haha! And everytime I look up the GB map, I could not take my eyes off Lancester. And the good thing is, Lancester is not that far from the places I’m planning to go. Hahah!!! Nah…crap. Abaikan.. I’m just catching my own drift ;p

So the other 3 I3LTS components will be rounded off this Saturday so, I surely am crossing my fingers to get a better band. And… *suffocating* my AS papers are coming up soon jusssssssssssstttt arooooouuunnnnddd tthhheeee cooorrrrrrnnerrrr!!!! Sheesh, I’m freaking out! Can never get out of this can I? Well, I need to keep on praying hard that’s for sure. So, wish me luck guys and pray for me too :)

The growth leaves some behind. But definitely not me, insyaAllah :)