It's there

It’s hard to pretend that everything is ok when it’s actually not. Sometimes, I’d rather act as if I’m living a wonderful life than manifesting my despair, especially to my parents. I hate to let them down and I hate to think of hurting them in any way. But sometimes, I could not help myself from crying when I hoped them to know how I was doing with my life but I didn’t have the guts to tell them how bad my condition was. I really don’t want them to get worried about me especially over silly things. Well, like now, it’s not a silly thing; it’s a BIG BIG thing but I still know I could get on with this by myself, although the confidence doesn’t really stand out, at least I’m trying to stand on my own two feet. That’s why, overtime, they always have this high expectation on me because they always know I could deal and handle things well by my own. Deep down, I know it’s hard to be expected that way but I try to be sanguine though [although being optimistic is not as easy most of the times..]

The headmaster and the counselor met us, the medics students just now. They informed us about the number of students applying to every univ in the UK so that we could have a second thought whether or not we’re satisfied with our final decision. They usually had this survey in order to balance things out so that there would be no oversubscription to any particular univ but since my batch doesn’t consist of too many students like what they had last year [my senior], so they just gave us some idea on how things would come up in the near future. Apparently, Leeds and Notts are quite famous and have relatively high applicants. So do some other univs. So, I’m still contemplating to change my choices to other univs. I know it doesn’t make any difference at the end of the day because the number of applicants would definitely be a big figure [budak KMB and taylors and sunway sume.. memang ramai la definitely..] but I just want to be on the safe side. I’m not sure how safe the safety net is but I’m trying to decide as best as I can. But I really don’t know. It’s not like deciding for a small matter you see. It’s about my future which admittedly no black-and-whites.

Some of us suggested applying to Ireland or Aussie or NZ but that’s the second matter. Studying in UK has been my ultimate dream so, I’d definitely go all-out on this. But it’s hard. It really is. In addition to that, most of the univs require UKC@T which I sucked bigtime [my result was horrible beb..] so, that adds up to my thought of changing Leeds and Notts since they’re suspected to be quite depending on that stupid test. I don’t know how these crazy people would rely on that piece of crap as one of the aspects to be evaluated because it is sooooo not reliable. I was the second student in my college to do the test and apparently, those who did the test earlier didn’t get satisfying results and that is soo sick. But it’s ok. I try not to be too resentful over this thing because it was all over anyhow and nothing much I could do except for praying hard so, I just hope the admission tutor won’t be too obsessed with that stupid test.

One thing that really put me off was when my headmaster mentioned about rejection. It seems that rejection is not something unusual and to be rejected straight away is not impossible. I know he didn’t mean to dishearten or discourage whatsoever and it’s true beyond doubt but you know, the thought of being rejected could be haunting you day and night just to put you in a miserable life. I know it’s all about rezeki and all but you can’t run away from being devastated after rejection by rejection hitting on your face, can you. That’s certainly killing you man. It’s like the end of the world. Life stops there and nothing else could make you alive again. I don’t want to think about it and try not to but it’s not unusual and anything could just happen in a blink of an eye. At times you feel positive and still be but suddenly ZAAAP! you’re deeply saddened at the other when rebuff kicks in. Ntahlaa… I’ve been unhappy these few days. Maybe because the next cycle is about to start off [hormonal imbalance that is. Nothing much I could help on that. Heh..] or maybe because I’m at a worrying stage of homesickness [heh..] or maybe because it’s Ramadhan and I have loads of sins to be regretful over.

I’m just hopeless…

"..and put your trust in Allah if you are believers indeed.." -Al-Maidah, 23

Focus

Hari ni tak dapat buka puasa dengan family :( *sob sob* I asked Dad to send me back to college at 3 so that he would have time to get relaxed before tarawikh. And getting back with my family seems quite far ahead, at the end of the road. For the time being, I need to focus on my economics AS paper and also my other semester examinations.

I went out with anid last saturday. We spent some times together before we parted again for the next 3 or 4 weeks. We watched movie, a boring one and we shopped! Gile tak hengat shopping beli itu ini. Haha.. If mum knew, she would definitely investigate the cashflow. Hehe.. Fortunately, mum went out for her lecture by the time we got back, so, we were quite lucky. Heh.. I bought new bracelet for myself but was it not my day, I either misplaced it or left it at the shop. But that thing was certainly out of my sight. Sedih gilee... Dah ar lawa bracelet tu. *sob sob* Oh, and I brought my new swimming cap. Yang dulu tekoyak *pasrah* and the new one is not as cool as the old one. Sedih betul..

We had a lunch at SRecipe and I snapped a few pictures [the pictures are applied with lightbox. Click the pics when the page is fully loaded]. After doing some editing and retouching, these are what I got. They are a bit too bright and I've tried the 'overlay' method that he taught me but it doesn't really suit with these pics. So, I just edited it with Picasa. Still need to learn hard.

So, it's gonna be the second day of Ramadhan tomorrow. I had a good start today and I hope I could keep up the momentum through out this month. I really want it to be as good as before or rather, better than before. Even with an absence of someone..

SALAM RAMADHAN TO ALL..

Used to be

Within 3 days, my inbox is occupied with almost 40 messages from p@m, my pet sis, in which 3 full-pages at the least. That’s a lot ok. Heh.. One would have wondered what we’ve been sms-ing about. I myself was a bit shocked jugak laa tengok inbox penuh dengan name p@m. Haha.. But she’s a nice girl la. Very outspoken, friendly and open. I like that kind of person, because she makes an introvert and quite person like me to be like her in a way. And reading through all those messages really reminds me of the old memories I had with anid.

I’ve been living my life with her presence since I was three and we’ve known each other more than anyone else do. We used to hang out together, chatted and talked all night, checking up on each other and basically knew what happened on each other. We did have falling-outs once in a while and that what really makes us close. She knows all my crushes, replying my friends’ emails, answering phone calls for me [people always got confused with my voice and hers..] and so many other things. When we were kids, mum always sewn same baju raya for us and people always got mixed up on who was older than who. I was definitely always being the younger one. Ahaks..

It’s been a while since I last talked to anid about my life in college. Since she got the offer to study in boarding school, we seldom had times to spend on gossiping and chatting. She’s always been the place for me to pour anything out to but things have changed a lot and so has she. I know she must have been growing up since but we’re not as close as we used to be. I don’t want and don’t like to be sentimental over this thing, you know but I just couldn’t help myself sometimes. I miss the old anid. Sometimes I wish she would always be immature to laugh over my stupid and lame jokes. I wish she would always be my little sister. But I know I couldn’t stop her from growing up. And I know I couldn’t expect the past to recur.

Well, I found something in my old diary the other day; the email that caused M@x and me to break up couple of years back. It was anid who sent it. At first I was quite mad with what she did but reading through it had opened my eyes how anid cared and concerned about me back then. And that really touches my heart. I don’t mind to write this thing all over again. Cerita lama pun so tak kesah laa..

“Assalamualaikum…

Herm..how shall I start.. Ok, ni adik dina, anid. [yea, her names is the backward spelled of my name. Heh..] I think we have met once [during angah aya’s wedding, m@x came over] but then again, I just have that strong feeling that you won’t be remembering me anyhow.. It is understood anyway.. Ok, first thing first, I just wanna tell you that I don’t really think that this relationship between you and dina is gonna be the successful one [she’s really a forecaster. Haha..].. I know I don’t have the rights to actually say that because I don’t even know what you guys have really been through all this while.. Honestly, as dina’s sis who has been living with her for the past 13 years, I know her very well.. All this while, she has never considered you as more than a best friend.. You have been forcing her to love you without you realizing it yourself.. How self-centered is that?? [Well, that’s a bit harsh I think. Heh..] I’m not saying that she’s not happy being with you, however, she’s not happy being with you as more than a friend. Please.. I beg you. Don’t let her suffer like this. Don’t let her be someone who is not herself. She’s been making your life better. Well, I think it’s the time for you to make her life better instead. She’s the only person whom I could be free to talk with and I don’t want her to make my life calmed down while she’s not having one. You know what, I’ve heard a quotation saying, ‘if you love someone, let her free.. if she comes back, then she is born to be yours.. but if she doesn’t, she was never yours and would never be..’. Love sometimes can be something stupid huh??! So if you really love her that much, set her free and we’ll see what will be happening next. I’m so sorry if I’ve offended you in any ways. It seems like I have no choice. She’s not dina whom I used to know. I had enough with her suffer. It’s the time for me to speak up. I think it’s for the best. I know, you might have been thinking that I’m just a kid who doesn’t know anything but I actually DO!! Sorry once again.. Wish you all the best in all your undertakings.. Hope to see you again, someday I guess. Till then, take care. Assalamualaikum.. Bye..

P/S: dina has got nothing to do with this.. I’m the one who deleted all those horrifying testimonials [it’s a long story but after we’d been apart for almost 2 years (2003), I actually found him back in friendster by accident..]. This is not some jealousy kinda thing and I hope you haven’t been thinking so. Thank you very very much for your time. Someone needs some space and you could be the one who would be giving it. And you can’t even tell what could it lead to. Just pray for the best. Sorry if I’ve been crapping out but I know a gentleman like you could actually understand…”

Well, for what he replied, let’s just keep it obscure. It would have been spelled the end of something beautiful..

It's coming..

I know my previous post was a bit emotional and it shouldn't be like that especially when I haven't updated this blog for quite a while. Heh.. But I don't care. The person owes me an explanation, no doubt about it. I know s/he is somewhere around in this college enjoying the moment of seeing me being anxious wanting to know who the person is so badly. Bajet ah ade muke *tut* siot! Kantoi gile ok! Tapi takpe... my day will come and I'm sure about it.

Anyways, I am just done with the D0E (Duk3 0f 3d!nburg#) trial expedition. YAY!! Penat gile babeng tak tipu!!! We had to walk 25 km in two days. The first day was quite ok because we only walked for about 9km but the second day was unexplainably exhausting. Overall, it was extremely fun to have happening people in my group. We cooked cool food like nasik with brahims ayam masak merah, pasta alfredo, macaroni and cheese and roti jem. Kalah duk rumah. Hahaha.. Tapi memang best gile ah bergossip2an di waktu malam [duh! what else could we do best? Heh.. malam pulak tu..], bernyanyi2an sambil jalan2 walaupun penat cam nak pengsan. It was really fun. But the overtiredness was certainly the drawback. But I enjoyed the expedition, really.

Here are some pictures I have. Sorry for the 'not-so-lawa' pictures because I didn't have so much time for editing. But the last picture is the best picture I took after doing some retouching. I was quite touched when @zrie@| praised my skill of taking picture. "Dina, ko punye gambar ade element photography la". Nak menangis kot @zrie@l cakap mcm tu.. sebab terharu sangat. Akhirnye, ade jugak orang yang appreciate my pictures. Hahaha..

I had a meeting just now with the juniors and some of the house committee. We'd chosen the shadow committee [as in the potential people to take over our positions next sem] for the fund raising programme and the house outing. We're not gona have house trip this year for God-knows-what reasons but we're still gona spend some time together outside this college. I'm quite proud for having my pet bro, F@hmi as the Director for the house outing committee. I'm sure gona ask him to run for SC next year. Heh.. I hope they would do their job well.

Anyways, I'm going back this weekend to 'celebrate' the arrival of Ramadhan. I don't know why but when I think about Ramadhan, I can feel something affecting inside. Perhaps it's because of the thought of fasting for the last time in Malaysia [itupun kalau dpt fly nxt yr. Heh..insyaAllah..] and because some other reasons that couldn't be unveiled. Hehe.. The last Ramadhan really left so many traces within me. But whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to meet this Ramadhan in just a few days' time. I hope it would be a better one than before.

That is about all I guess. It's almost 2 now. It's time for me to go to another world :)

Vutewer!!!

An alien has finally reached this blog by g00gling stupid things. Now, congratulations you alien!!! Kalo tak acap, mesti ai.. kalo tak pun, mesti orang gile!!! Ngade2 ar korang!!! Baik ngaku cepat!! Takpe2.....aku dah tahu sape nanti, memang siap arr..... Bengong betul! Emo ar!

Jeles ke? Wutever!
So what?
No offense? Hellloooo?!! Kire bajet kewl ah tu?!

..because it's fated

I’ve been counting the time since the day. I know it’s not a big deal and he’s not someone I’m very close to but I can’t help myself from being sentimental over P3j@i’s leaving. The not-so-close bond makes me feel the gap becomes even wider. Although he was not a ‘good pet bro’ as in he doesn’t make me feel that comfortable when he’s around, I admit he’s helped me quite in a lot in studies.

I still remember our first chat during Diam0nd introduction party, he gave me a lot of advice pertaining life in college and how to cope with studies and all. Although my wish to have a good relationship with my pet bro is not fulfilled, at least he’s put himself in my history of life. I will always remember his poyoness and all those aksi2 tahpape through out our times together in college, be it during badminton training, silat training or diamond’s events. I know he’s gonna be a very successful doctor one day.

“A’kum Ru$hdin@ $0fi@ (I hope it’s correct.. Well, I’m your pet sis. Diam0nder, obviously. Akak tak kenal which one is you, so hope that you can describe yourself and let us (including your pet bro) know a little bit about you; how you look like etc. I like to wear baju kurung, long sleeves shirt, and scarf. Panjang jari akak 30cm. Pendek je, tak panjang sgt. Orait, both of us are doing medicine.

Hi.. I’m your pet bro. I’m the only guy yang simpan sikat dalam pencil case. If you wanna know who I am, ask the garnetors. Some of them know about this. Saiz kasut 9, saiz stoking 10. That’s all. Pliz reply and don’t forget to include your biodata.” – the first letter from them; written by Kak mir@.

“Dear Dina, this is your pet bro handwriting. A handwriting of a doctor [takpun!!! Poyo je lebih! Heh..]. Frankly, we have already known all about you. More than you can imagine [yakin jee!!]. And of course, we know which one are you. The only challenge now is for you to find who we are.

Ok, since you’ve given us sweets, I’ll add a few hints for you. The two of us have few things in common. Both of us do not wear specs. Both of us ada rambut but your pet sis pakai tudung, your pet bro tak =) [Lame reason yang pertame! Haha..]. Lastly, both of us ada jawatan tinggi dalam college ni.

Ok, keep on giving us gifts (sweets, candy, money??). We might give you more hints. Hehe.. Ok, chow” – the 2nd letter by pet bro.

“A’kum.. about the sponsor, all I can say is, between two sponsors sponsoring for medicine, one body sponsor akak, and another one sponsor your pet bro. Go figure.. Height? Well, kitorg memiliki ketinggian ideal. Nampak la macam orang umur 19thn. Hehe.. Both of us asal M’sia je. Truly Malaysian, not foreigners. [Lame reason yg kedua! Haha..]. Previous school? Both of us dr skolah agama but we’re not from the same school. Cari cari.. clue ni tepat, terang lagi besuluh..

Kak Ayu? Akak tak kenal.. Tp awk mesti kenal fadzli hayati @ palie kan? Dia selalu lepak rumah akak.. Member baik adik akak.. [Huhu..what a small world..]. Akak tengok awak atas stage tadi. Gempak laa menari. [This was during the anniversary celebration just right after the induction week. I was not literally ‘dancing’ on the stage but lebeyh kurang la. Haha..]. Akak harap kitorg tak mengkantoikan diri sendiri tadi becoz your pet bro dengan bijaknye pegi pas air kotak tu kat akak di tengah2 Great Hall.. Bijak.. bijak =) [p3j@i memang terover bijak..].. Citela lagi pape pasal awak..” – the third letter by pet sis.

“Assalamualaikum.. First of all, that guy that you saw holding your air kotak was F@iza|. I gave it to him so that he could pass it to your pet sis [Lame reason yang ketige!! Hahaha..]. Ok, moreover.. How do you know I’m an SC member in the first place? There are lots of other jawatan tinggi in this college and IF I am, there are at least 3 of us pursuing medicine under JPA [alaaa…dah tekantoi tu dah arr. Haha..]. So, think again.. think wisely. Don’t make any mistake. Nanti malu.. Ok, another hint: I lost two handphones last sem. The one and only. If you can figure that one out, then you’ll break the hint! [Owh, I’d accidentally came over him in friendster with a primary photo of him with devastated face after losing his two handphones. Sah2 kantoi.. Huhu..]

Akak tak banyak bende nak cite dah. Just wanna tell you one thing. Careful bila nak identify us during the dinner. You might end up with someone else.. malu tau. Make sure tak salah teka! I give you this advice sebab tanak dina malu nanti ok. Fikir betul2.. [alaa kak mir@, memang dah sah2 kantoi! Haha..]”– the final and the last letter from them.

I don’t know why I’m so excited posting this up. It’s a waste of time, I know. But looking back at the past, and thinking about it is what I do best most of the time. Although people keep on saying that ‘look to the future and never look back’, to me, recalling those memories and having a flashback could give me a lot of things for me to have a better plan in the future because to me, they are more than just past times. They make me believe that life is not always full of laughter and happiness. They are the witness to all experiences that have helped me being a grown up and improved person.

And to these two particular persons, thanx for all the times that we have spent together. May Allah bless both of you in whatever you do…

.The.day.I.started.to.believe.in.angels.
Why.. why must it be that way?
Why can't they understand?
Why must I be the one to be blamed?
Why did they do that to me?
Why don't they have mercy?
Why don't they believe in me?
Why?

Tata

"Salam.. P3j@i ni.. Aku fly 12hb esok kul 11 malam. Pegi leeds.. So, sorry ar kalau ada buat pape salah. Doakan aku berjaya ek!"

All the best, bro!! Thanx for everything. Fastaqim kama umirta.. Kawen ajak ;p

R U N

I’m now at home; sitting calmly, comfortably in front of my computer despite having showers of thoughts in this old skull of mine. I’m going back to college tomorrow morning. Yep, talking about missing classes ;p

I’ve finalized my university application finally; to name Cardiff, Leicester, Leeds and Nottingham. I know it has been a hard decision for me in putting Notts onto the list. It’s kind of taking a risk, if I must say as it has the highest number of applicants than others. I know it would be a stupid choice to some people but I don’t know. I don’t feel like applying to other universities. Newcastle was in the list in the first place actually but then, due to some unforeseen circumstances, my tutor somehow advised me to change it to other Univ. So, there you go. It’s now the time for me to concentrate on other things.

Lupi is going back to Ireland this Thursday. We paid anid a visit just now and I didn’t expect him to sob as well. Hahahaha… Well, I did too, unfortunately. What an emotional stint huh?

Mock exam is just around the corner and to be honest, I haven’t revised anything yet. I know I won’t have that much time to complete my revision in just a week but since mr. c0nque$t hates this examination orientated kind of system, he said this time around, he would take it as just a practice for all of us. Believe it or not, he has not given us any test before and thus I’ve prepared myself for the under pressure situation during the exam. Hehe.. Glad I’m only sitting for one subject (Econs) so, hoping to give the best shot! And for the bad news, mr. z@b3d is leaving :( Sangat sedih. Even though he always gives us endless assignments and all, I can feel the lost.

....... Well, I’m out of words actually. I know I have loads of things to be unloaded but my mind seems elsewhere. Sigh..

Perhaps I’m missing someone..

Run away..
Save yourself..
Ignore what other people say..
Just save yourself..
I trust in you..

P/S: Let's join this!!

.Style.Quality.Excellence.

First of all, I'm currently in a stage of committing suicide. I have TONNES of things to read yet I'm confortably writing this crap. I'm going to talk gibberish in a bit so, if you wish to close the window, just go ahead yah :) And please pardon my language k!

SCENE 1

Hari tu masa abang saya nak hantar saya balik kolej, dia bertanya:
Abang: Dina, adakah kau suka pada lelaki yang membawa motor hebat seperti itu? [sambil menunjuk pada motor Harley Davidson].
Saya: Oh tidak sama sekali.
Abang: Mengapa ya? Bukankah mereka kelihatan kool?
Saya: Kool? Tidak di mata saya.
Abang: Kalau superbike?
Saya: Seperti aprilia? Tidak juge.

Saya pun mula bercerita dan memperkenalkan M@x kepada abang.

Abang: Apa?? Kau pernah ada pakwa?? Hahahahahahahahah *gelak besar tak bleh blar!*
Saya: Ada la sekali dua. Hahahahahaha.. *saya juga gelak besar untuk cover diri* M@x ada aprilia tapi tak pernah la pulak saya berbangga dengan dia hanya kerana sebuah motor itu. Tak kool pon. [mungkin saya tak geti menghayati keindahan motor itu. Ya, mungkin juga.]
Abang: Wah.. hebat nye mamat tu ade aprilia. Mat remp-it ke?
Saya: Tak. Skater.

Abang tak faham ape kene mengene skater dengan motor. Tapi saya malas nak terangkan.

Abang: Dia baik? Macam mana boleh putus?
Saya: Baik gelaaa. Tapi mungkin tiada persefahaman agaknya.
Abang: Kau suka lelaki yang macam mana ya? Kelakar?
Saya: Ya bang. Kelakar.
Abang: Ohh.. Lagi? Nakal? Bukan perempuan suka orang nakal kah?
Saya: Nakal? Hohoho... saya benci orang nakal.
Abang: Kalau aku? Aku baik ke nakal?
Saya: Poyo. Hahahahahaha..
Abang: Kau mesti suka orang yang baca buku je. [CIS!!!!]
Saya: Baca buku? Ish.. puh-leeeeeaaaseee!
Abang: Habistu?
Saya: Ntahlaaa......................................... [kang aku ckp suke orang beriman dan bertaqwa, jage pergaulan, boleh bawak aku ke jalan yg lagi baik, terase pulak abg aku tu nanti..]

Selepas seketika, saya terdiam. Terfikir. Termenung. Saya masih belum berjaya mencari satu kata adjektif yang sesuai.

SCENE 2

Abg Fasi: Baiklah, hari ni kita akan adakan sedikit stretching sebelum mandi sungai. Kita mula dengan aksi ini, hekyah!! [sambil memulakan aksi stretching..]
Abg Fasi: 1 2 3 4 ... 8. Ke belakang.. 1 2 3 4 5 ... 8. Ke tepi.. 1 2 3 4 5 ... 8.
Saya: *dalam hati* eh, abg ni comel la pulak buat aksi2 ni. kepale pun boolart je.

Saya baru sahaja pulang dari kem kepimpinan yang saya hadiri 2 hari yang lepas. Seronok la juga mandi air sungai dan ada yang hampir membunuh saya dengan ingin mencucukkan kepala saya dengan duri. [dramatik sket ayat.. haha..]. Sudah semestinye, perkara utama yang saya dapat daripada kem ini adalah bagaimana untuk menjadi seorang pemimpin muslim yang berjaya. Tetapi, sebagai seorang insan bergelar 'gadis' dan mempunyai keputihan hati yang tidak begitu mapan, saya 'ter'suka pada seorang abang fasilitator ini. Bukan kerana harta atau rupa, tetapi kerana beberapa perkara lain yang sukar diungkap dengan perkataan. Selepas beberapa hari di kem, baru saya tahu mengapa saya suka pada abang itu. Dan perkara kedua yang saya dapati dari kem itu ialah, saya berjaya mencari kata adjektif yang sesuai untuk ciri lelaki idaman saya.

MATANG.

Maka, jadilah matang supaya anda boleh mematangkan saya yang masih tidak matang.

Sekian, terima kasih dan selamat malam..