How time flies..

It's been a week I'm crashing my head off with all those bad thoughts. You know, when the exam mode keeps having a peek on me, it really makes me uneasy. With buckleloads of topics that I have not covered yet. Plus, the undone syllabus. And the thought of 'Oh, if I did not get A, I will bla bla bla..'. You know what I mean.

People around started to ramble about University application. Which University I'm planning to go is a question that I myself can't give any answer. I have done PBL (Problem Based Learning) on Maths last sem and I quite have a knowledge about it but I'm not sure if I can cope everything well when it comes to medicine. I'm not certain about how it gets to me when I have to get involved in PBL on diseases and clinical stuff. I hope it's not going to be that bad though. But that's the case, I don't know and am not sure which Univ to apply for. Or how risky it can be or what's the difference between the Univs that will be calling for interviews the ones that would not conduct any interview. Oh well..That are the things that I should know by now right?

Yesterday Athirah sms-ed me. We chatted for a while. The moment when I told her about interesting stuff that I'm going to have after the examination weeks, an unpleasant wave was sent down my spine. 'Ada student dinner, end sem dinner, house farewell party, ecotrip to teluk rubia..' and I could not continue listing. You know why? Because the thought of seeing seniors leave the college deeply saddened me to a whole. And particularly seeing him go away forever. Sheesh..I can't believe how I would feel when he's miles away. I can't imagine how I would survive without his presence beside. And I just can't..Just can't imagine how my whole life would be, having to live with a thought of not ever going to see him again! Well, I'm trying to get rid of this feelings really but it just gets hard on me. I really hope I could go through this life as happily as I can. I don't know. I'm going to miss him for sure :'(

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

-What Hurts The Most, Rascal Flatts-

You Will Be Gone

This blog has been said to be 'closed'. Well, literally, I really need to drop it out. At least for some while. My exam is coming up soon and this so-called distraction really needs to be put aside.

People keep asking me "Dina, did you close your blog?". I didn't. I just change the url and the one before has no longer existed. Only smart people can reach here if they knew how to get me. Ahah..Yea smart people. I mean, those who enjoy googling things. Hehe..I'm still alive guys. Don't worry.

You know I can't express myself better than writing. So sometimes I need to spill out the unnecessary ones and so I need my own privacy sometimes. I thought my blog would remain anonymous but it doesn't seem so anymore. I don't know.

I've been so emotional these few days. Loads of things polluted my brain and..I don't know. I somehow felt paranoid and fear of something uncertain. But the certain thing is, I don't want to go back to college. I'm serious this time. Not the usual feelings I had. It's something dreary!! I'm not sure what. But that feelings causes me to be contemplating about giving up my post as a housecaptain. Everytime I think about it, I feel worried and not pleased. Something is churning up my tummy and that is really really not a good thing to be felt.

And so...I cried. Yesterday. That was the best thing I could do to 'release' myself. And I'm good at it too. Hahah! After some time, I felt much better. Now, I feel like breaking down again. You know why? Because Mum said Lupi called just now. And he broke down, missing the family so much. See, we got a strong 'chemistry' I tell you!! Hehe.. And he asked Mum about me. I assume he was one of those who have got surprised with the termination of my blog. Hehe and I think he thought something not good has happened on me so maybe that's the reason why he called. Hehe..

No la, I know he misses us so much. And last night, I could not stop from thinking about him too. Maybe I miss his company. Haih..Susah la jadik orang sensitif ni. Hehe.. Hmm.. anything else to ramble? I think that is all. I'm going to Jasin in a bit. Mum kesian kat anid *apakah???!* so better go now. Pray for me, people. Pray for me for not being too emotional. Hehe.. Till then, have a nice weekends!

And I'm still gona put up beautiful pictures here. I just like them so much. Can't help ;p Oh, and I've deleted my friendster account. Too many things turned up and I could not bear them for any longer so, I've materialized my intention. Hope there's nothing to be worried about anymore. I mean, the friendster stuff. Heh.. So, enjoy this pic :)

I thought I'm going to be ok,
Well, I did in the first place,
But the memories kept haunting me,
The moment I met you,
The moment we got to know each other,
The moment I felt like there was going to be a hope,
Between us..,
But the moment I 'realise',
That you are not meant for me,
I cried..
And I keep crying,
Because I'm not sure if I'm going,
To find someone like you again,
And I'm not sure,
If I can see you again,
I know,
There is someone better than me,
Is meant for you,
But I'm afraid,
Deep down, the feeling is still there,
And you'll remain in 'here',
Forever..
And I cried,
Yesterday,
Because I knew,
You will be gone,
Sooner or later,
You will be gone.....

Rajuk yang pendek..Pujuk yang panjang

Hmm.. Menarik. Sangat menarik.

Kelmarin aku baru saja dengar suara Darth Vader pada promosi buku AKB di blog Pak (mude sket. Heh..) Naga. Dan semalam. Baru saja aku menangis air mata darah dengan pemergian Pak Naga. Semalaman aku tak dapat tidur. Terkenangkan pemergian seorang blogger yang hebat lagi macho. Tapi, beberapa minit yang lalu. Aku dengar khabar angin. Katanya Pak Naga tengah ada rancangan sulit. Blognya telah dibuka semula. Dan mungkin dihapuskan balik esok lusa. Dan mungkin dibuka semula pada lima tahun akan datang. Siapa tahu. Segalanya mungkin.

Dari khabar angin (yaa..hidup zaman sekarang penuh dengan khabar angin) yang aku dengar tu. Pak Naga merajuk. Dan sedang memindahkan entry2nya yang dulu. Entah aku pun tak tahu. Cumanya, aku dapat rasa yang 'rajuk yang panjang' Pak Naga ini sebati benor dengan 'rajuk yang panjang' aku. Kepada pakcik anon., inilah yang aku suka pada seorang Aries.

Aku tak kata Aries itu suka merajuk. Dan aku tak kata aku percaya dengan semua benda karut tu. Cumanya, dalam waktu tidak sampai 2 dekad hidup, aku rasa suatu 'aura' yang lain bila seorang itu berbintangkan Aries. Ayah aku, banyak persamaanya dengan aku. Abang aku, yang lahir pada tarikh yang sama dengan aku, adalah orang yang paling sesuai untuk aku jadikan sebagai 'cermin' aku. Bukan aku kata Aries ini semuanya perangai sama. Tapi aku sendiri (dan mungkin aku sorang) yang dapat rasakan 'aura' spesel itu. Dan aku berani katakan, ada lebih kurang 7 orang yang aku kenal selama aku hidup yang berbintangkan Aries, punyai satu 'aura' pada diri aku. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana 'aura' itu memainkan peranannya tapi kadang-kala, aku dapat rasakan apa yang dia rasa atau fikir dan bagaimana dia akan bertindak selepas sesuatu perkara.

Ya..Mungkin aku seorang saja yang punyai perasaan ini.

Cumanya apa yang aku nak kaitkan antara Pak Naga dan Aries dan aku. Dulu.. Aku pernah juga 'delete' account friendster aku kerana merajuk dengan seseorang. Semua mesej dan e-mail orang tidak ku layan. Tapi..lepas beberapa bulan, aku sign up semula. Dan sekarang, aku terasa hendak 'delete' semula account friendster itu. Mengapa? Entah. Mungkin juga kerana 'rajuk yang panjang'. Tapi memikirkan ramai kawan-kawan sepermainan aku dulu yang kebetulan aku jumpa melalui friendster. Tak sampai hati rasanya.. Ah, mungkin aku yang terlalu emotional dan sentimental.

Mungkin Pak Naga juga begitu. Dan aku juga begitu. Dan abang aku juga begitu. Dan ayah aku juga begitu. Dan beberapa orang lain juga begitu..

People come, people go..

Pak Naga macho, go go go!!!

Aku Kecewa

Sekadar untuk meluahkan perasaan.

Aku tidak pasti. Mengapa aku tulis begini. Cara baru. Struktur baru. Pelik. Tapi aku suka. Ya.. Tak lain tak bukan. Tok Naga yang berbintang Aries itu punya kerja. Tapi.. Tapi.. Tapi..

TokNaga dah tiada!! Aku kecewa. Dan teramat. Kecewa.. Oh mengapa?! Mengapa Tok Naga??!!

Tiada lagi gelak ketawa di pagi hari. Tiada lagi senyum melebar di sini. Kerana.. Tok Naga dah tiada. Hanya AKB pengubat rindu. Hanya AKB menyimpan memori lalu. Oh Tok Naga..

Aku kecewa. Teramat..

The General Trend is An Increase.. *sigh..chemistry punye pasal la ni T_T*

LOVE is a topic that would create two-ways conversation. People like to talk about it and people like to hear what other people would say about it. And people like to give feedbacks on it. It’s not a new thing. And it is the most oft-cited topic I have to bear with most of the time. I don’t like when people start to ask me about ‘pacaran’ (except for Mum) and I’m not interested to look for one for this moment. Not because I hate to love and to be loved. Duh, who does??! But it’s just hard for me to find the right one at least for the time being. People might say I’m a perfectionist. Hell I’m not. It’s just hard for me to find the one with the same ‘frame of mind’ as me. That’s all..

Just now, after asar, I felt a bit tension. Maybe because the idea of going-back-to-college-soon hit me and the ever piled-up chemistry assignment keeps haunting me day and night so, I called Sarah to tag along with me to somewhere I could find my own space. And we went to Putrajaya and hung out at Tasik Cempaka. At first, I didn’t want to go to that tasik. I hate that place. I mean, I really loathe that particular spot. Why you ask? Old story, am not pleased to bring it up. But I was definitely prevailed upon to go back to the past. Well, anyway…

The moment she struck up a fairly not interesting conversation with me (err..yea, about that run-of-the-mill thingy), I started to get into ‘my own life’. Tak larat la nak dengar dia bebel pasal benda yang aku tak suka. I tried not to make my I-am-sooo-bored face too obvious so I took out my sweetheart and started to take some pictures. Believe me, I’d be very glad if she was not around and have my own leisure time, clicking and getting high. But yea, I was the one who rang her up, so terpaksala bersabar. Heh.. I actually don’t mind if she wanted to just have a chat over it but when it comes to “Takkan ko takde suke sape2 (ade..tapi..tapi….Heh ;p) Ko KENA carik dina kalau tak bla bla bla..”. Aduhai…kesian kat telinga aku ni. I don’t know. Am I that bad for treating her that way? I mean, pretending like I was with her when I was actually not? It just didn’t get into my style!

I’m not sure whether it is really the nowadays trend or is it just me who have finally got into a ‘new world’ but people around me started to talk about ‘getting engaged’ and ‘betrothal’ and of sorts. ‘People’ here I meant is those who are STILL my age and 2-3 years older. Or are we practicing the old tradisional custom??

There’s Mum’s friend’s daughter who was apparently studying in my college and is now reading dentistry in Newcastle is coming home this summer with a planning to get engaged with her one-year senior who was at the same college and is at the same Univ. Hmm.. Coincident eh? I don’t know. Oh, and she’s only 21! And then, there is a friend of mine (yea, she’s 19) will be getting married in 2 years’ time. And a diamond housemate of mine is already betrothed to someone with the same age. And Izyan just told me the other day about her friend who has just got engaged. And then…let me see.. Oh yea, Sarah’s friend (Max’s friend too. Apparently! Hah!) is getting betrothed to her senior before he flies off to uk. And…ermm, let’s just not get into listing shall we?

I’m not trying to be so cynical whatsoever but you get what I mean? No? Then, you should stop reading this. Mum pernah tanya hari tu, “Dina takde contact budak tu lagi ke?”. “Siapa?”. “Alaa yang doctor tu”. “Owh..Tak. Malas. Nak buat apa. Dia dah nak kawen dah (kot..agaknye. Heh..)” Teringat Aimran cakap hari tu “What? Your ex-boyfriend is someone’s fiancé???”. “Kepale Ho!! He’s engaged after we broke up lah!” and I, by no means will ever have him in my life again. Not even as a friend. Yea, sometimes I can be extremely mean especially to Max. Heh.. Once I’ve tasted the bitter part of it, it’s hard for me to accept the sweetness. Unless I’m getting married. That’s another story la but what I’m pointing out here is, I want to get my dreams done and then I would look for one if I have to. “Susah la dina. Ko dah la nak jadik doctor. Lagi susah kalau tak kawen2 lebih2 lagi once ko dah graduate as a doctor.Takkan ko tanak kawen?”. “Hohoo..mesti ar nak!!”. (Macam dalam cerita 'Seindah Mawar Berduri', Khazinatul Asrar cakap dekat kawan dia sambil tersenyum "Saya teringin juga melahirkan umat Nabi Muhammad"..) Oh well…

Whenever people bring that up, I’d say to myself.. ‘Aku kena yakin dengan janji Allah’ because I know, somehow, my other part is somewhere out there. And one day I will meet him in any way. So, no worries lah kan?? But yea, prayer has always been my daily practice :)

So, here’s the one I took. Mind you, I’m not a professional and I don’t have those bombastic fantastic lenses and I hardly have any photographing skill and I am still ‘terkapai2’ with Adobe Photoshop (YET!!) so, you cannot and should not expect more. Heh..Fine, tak lawa but believe me, taking this picture really gives me pleasure. I liiiiike it! I LOOOOVVVEEEE it! Thanx sweetie ;p

Aku Puas Hati. Sangat..

Penat. Aku sangat penat. Tapi puas hati :)

Hari ni aku keluar pergi KLCC. Dating. Dah lama aku tak dating. Pergi tengok wayang. Jumpa Bruce Willis yang dah tua tu tapi masih macho macam dulu. Cerita tu penuh dengan kemusykilan. Tapi aku suka. Jalan cerita yang hebat. Aku puas hati. Sangat..

Lepastu, dibelanja orang. Aku tau kawan aku tu sayang kat aku sebab tu dia sanggup belanja walaupun mahal. Aku sayang dia tak? Dia dan aku je tahu betapa bahagianya kami. Perkenalan yang berumur lebih kurang 3 tahun lebih menjadikan aku anggap dia lebih dari kawan. Depan dia, aku tak sesegan macam dengan orang lain. Depan dia, aku tak semalu macam dengan orang lain. Depan dia, aku tak se‘control’ macam depan orang lain. Makanan yang dia belanja tu sedap gile. Kenyang tak hengat. Aku puas hati. Sangat..

Lepas solat, aku ke kedai buku. Nak beli buku. Untuk dibaca atas train balik. Aku kesana. Kemari. Tak tahu. Konfius. Tak ada idea nak beli buku apa. Ntah kenapa dalam banyak-banyak buku photography, Asian Photography menjadi pilihan. Tiba-tiba……Ah, buah hati aku masuk majalah!!!! Wajib beli!! Kuat betul 'chemistry' antara kami. Tak sia-sia aku mencintai buah hati aku. Tersergam indah wajah buah hati aku dalam majalah tu. Aku tersenyum. Bangga. Aku puas hati. Sangat…

Aku tiba di rumah. Sangat penat. Tiba-tiba…Ah, ada pos laju untuk aku!!! Berdebar aku nak buka. Tak terlintas di fikiran untuk tengok nama pengirim. Aku abaikan. Dan terus membuka. Hah! Dari Tok Rimau!!! Buku AKB dah sampai!!! Aku bangga. Sebab dapat hadiah dari Tok Rimau yang fofular itu. Dan bangga. Sebab dapat baca hasil penulisan Tok Rimau dan Tok Naga. Aku baca kata pengantar. Musykil. Konfius. Tak faham. Aku membelek-belek kulit buku. Di kulit belakang, ada ini: “Ayat-ayat dalam buku ini bersira dengan humor tetapi sarat dengan makna. Kadang-kadang, pemikiran yang amat matang diperlukan bagi mencerna lapisan-lapisan pengertian dalam buku ini.” Oh tidak..aku masih tidak matang. Bagaimana? Ah, abaikan. Aku terus membaca. Baru aku tahu, kata pengantar tu ditulis oleh Mat Jan rupanya. Ouch, penuh dengan sindiran juga. Tapi kelakar!! Esok nak ke bank. Deposit duit Mat Jan :) Tak sabar nak tunggu buku Jongkang-Jongket pulak. Sangat lawak! Tapi penuh makna tersirat. Aku tak peduli. Yang penting. Aku puas hati. Sangat…

Aku puas hati. Sangat. Dan.. Alhamdulillah :)

Aku Teruja

Once upon a time..On the way back to Bangi from Jasin...

ME: Uish..X3!! 5 Series!!! Potong Dad, potong!!!
DAD: Eh, senyap je tadi. Bukan tengah tido ke?
ME: Baru bangun. Heh.. *aura buah hati..mesti ar terjage* ;p

Aku terigt ade satu kali tu aku nak balik bangi from Mid. Driving. Sedangku mengelamun tibe2 suare anid memekak "Weih dina, ko nak pergi mane ni??". "Eh, dah sampai bangsar!!!" sebab terpesona dengan z4 dan terikut buah hati aku tu sampai bangsar! Haha.. Aduh..aku jatuh hati~

The Chill II

‘Aku tak risau pasal operation tu. Aku risau..takut-takut tak bangun lagi..’ I heard she talked to Mum. I could not imagine how I would feel if I were in her shoes. It’s like, preparing yourself for the unclear upshots. Obscurities. Her words really touched my sensitive heart. I smiled, trying not to be so emotional. She was doing fine. She could talk and smile. Everyone seemed satisfied and pleased with her reaction. When I took her hand to ‘salam’ before I left, my mind was drifting away, wandering around and still looking for the ‘real thing’.

And last night, I could not sleep, thinking about everything. I tried so hard not to recall those vague visions and dreams, those forbidding uncertainties. I kept having flashbacks of the past, the moments where my family and my aunt’s family had our memorable time in PD, Cameron, Genting. I was brought up in a very big family and I am very very closed to my cousins especially at Mum’s side. When we were kids, we often spent our time together, sleep over at each other’s house and chatted till dawn. Whenever Mum and Dad did their haji and umrah, mum would send us to aunt’s house, stayed there for weeks and be ‘anak mak and anak abah’.

As time goes by, we seldom have time to meet each other up. And yesterday, when I saw Kak Num and Kak Hik, their emotions full of hopelessness and sadness. I cried. Inside. Never in my life have I ever thought this situation will come across our paths. The atmosphere was very still, and dull. Only aunt’s smile and laughter brought everything alive. Somehow, deep inside, the smile and the laughter offered me a ray of hope, saying that she will be ok.

And just now, when I was doing my assignment, Mum came about with a sense of despair. “Mak Ham buat CT scan tadi. Doctor kata the cell has gone to the liver and the spleen. About 1 to 2 cm jugak. Hari isnin baru buat bone scan pulak. Ntahla, kesian Mak Ham.”

I could say nothing. I only got distracted and my attention was unfocused. My hand was finishing off the chem. assignment but my mind was playing around with my own thoughts. (tangan boleh gerak sendiri sebab copy answer from…huhu rahsie ;p). And then Dad sat on the chair in front of me sambil makan pisang. “Susah kan kalau dah jadik metastasis ni. The chance is very slim. I think the doctor has known already the consequences cuma taknak bagitau je”. “Ntahla Dad. Maybe doctor pun tak boleh buat apa, boleh bagi hope and semangat je.” I said, helplessly.

Now, the glimmer of hope within me has started to die out. Has now begun to fade away.

"Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith." -286, The Cow

The Chill

When I first noticed my sixth sense, I thought it was something that I can brag about, something that I can be proud of to myself. But that is not how it works on me. When I told people about all those visions and dreams, they could be awed but they could never feel the awkwardness that I have to bear. Coping up with this peculiarity is not as simple as people might think.

Every time it comes across me, I have to deal not just with my emotions and feelings but also with my curiosity and my inquisitiveness. Each time it happens on me, I’d become indecisive and not able to make up my mind whether to accept it as a sign or just a mere game of thoughts. And the bad thing is, it does not always come as a good sign. That’s the only thing that I hate about having the sixth sense; I could see dreadful things before they really happen. But I have no choice. Ignorant does not guarantee contentment and pleasure so I really have to live with it.

Remember the entry that I posted during Dad’s birthday? At the end of the entry, I did mention about ‘to move on the journey’ and exactly at that night, I dreamt of something that kind of related to it. And when I woke up the next morning, I laid idly in the bed, feeling very very odd. I did not cry in the dream but after a while when I was awaken, I could feel the sorrow and the dam could no longer bear the pressure and had to open the barrier. But what actually questioned me was the strength that I had in the dream that made me feel so calm and strong when Mum broke the news as if I knew that somehow the ‘loss’ does not involve my dad but other person.

Some time later, I told Sarah that after this 19years of living, I have never encountered any experience that related to the bereavement. I did not know why I told her that but somehow I could feel a strong feeling inside regardless of things that matter. The first and the latest was when I was in standard 1 when I had to witness the passing away of my grandfather. But I can’t really call to mind how the situation was. Ever since, none of the bereavements have ever occurred in my life.

Several days ago before the break, I called anid and she broke the news about my aunty (mum’s sister) who is now suffering the third stage of breast cancer. She just found out about it a couple of weeks ago and the tumor has gotten quite big now. According to her doctor, with such size of tumor, it is said that it has been developed since 9 years ago. And last day I heard Along Ima and Dad’s conversation about this. She said that the probability for the tumor to undergo metastasis (the spread of cancer from its primary site to other places in the body (e.g., brain, liver)) is quite high and it will be such a miracle if it doesn’t. I was quite stunned actually. It really sent a chill down my spine. Everything happens very fast that I sometimes cannot muddle through it. The task is so hard.

After all, the ‘thing’ has not happened yet and I’m struggling to put a note of optimism in my thought. My aunty is undergoing an operation tomorrow. I really hope she will and always be strong to face the forthcoming days.

But somehow..to come to think of it, I could be next. Who knows? Please people, do pray for her happiness through out her years and let’s hope that everything will be alright.

" Verily, with ALLAH alone is the knowledge of the Hour. And HE sends down the rain, and HE knows what is in the wombs. And no soul knows what it will earn tomorrow, and no soul knows in what land it will die. Surely, ALLAH is All-Knowing, All-Aware. " 31:34

Salam MaulidurRasul

Ada sebuah kisah tentang cinta yang sebenar-benar cinta yang dicontohkan Allah melalui kehidupan Rasul-Nya. Pagi itu,walaupun langit telah mulai menguning,burung-burung gurun enggan mengepakkan sayap.Pagi itu,Rasulullah dengan suara terbatas memberikan khutbah,

"Wahai umatku,kita semua ada dalam kekuasaan Allah dan cinta kasih-Nya. Maka taati dan bertakwalah kepada-Nya.Kuwariskan dua perkara pada kalian,Al Qur'an dan sunnahku.Barang siapa mencintai sunnahku,bererti mencintai aku dan kelak orang-orang yang mencintaiku,akan masuk syurga bersama-sama aku."

Khutbah singkat itu diakhiri dengan pandangan mata Rasulullah yang tenang dan penuh minat menatap sahabatnya satu persatu.Saidina Abu Bakar as SiddiQ menatap mata itu dengan berkaca-kaca,Saidina Umar al-Khattab dadanya naik turun menahan nafas dan tangisnya.Saidina Usman bin Affan menghela nafas panjang dan Saidina Ali b ABi Talib menundukkan kepalanya dalam-dalam.Isyarat itu telah datang,saatnya sudah tiba.

"Rasulullah akan meninggalkan kita semua," keluh hati semua sahabat kala itu.

Manusia tercinta itu hampir selesai menunaikan tugasnya di dunia.Tanda-tanda itu semakin kuat,tatkala Saidina Ali dan Saidina Fadhal dengan cergas menangkap Rasulullah yang berkeadaan lemah dan goyah ketika turun dari mimbar.Disaat itu,kalau mampu,seluruh sahabat yang hadir di sana pasti akan menahan detik-detik berlalu.

Matahari kian tinggi,tapi pintu rumah Rasulullah masih tertutup.Sedang didalamnya, Rasulullah sedang terbaring lemah dengan keningnya yang berkeringat dan membasahi pelepah kurma yang menjadi alas tidurnya.

Tiba-tiba dari luar pintu terdengar seorang yang berseru mengucapkan salam.

"Bolehkah saya masuk?" tanyanya.

Tapi Fatimah tidak mengizinkannya masuk,"Maafkanlah,ayahku sedang demam," kata Fatimah yang membalikkan badan dan menutup pintu.

Kemudian ia kembali menemani ayahnya yang ternyata sudah membuka mata dan bertanya pada Fatimah, "Siapakah itu wahai anakku?"

"Tak tahulah ayahku,orang sepertinya baru sekali ini aku melihatnya," tutur Fatimah lembut.

Lalu,Rasulullah menatap puterinya itu dengan pandangan yang menggetarkan.Seolah-olah bahagian demi bahagian wajah anaknya itu hendak dikenang.

"Ketahuilah,dialah yang menghapuskan kenikmatan sementara,dialah yang memisahkan pertemuan di dunia.Dialah malaikatul maut," kata Rasulullah,


Fatimah pun menahan ledakkan tangisnya. Malaikat maut datang menghampiri,tapi Rasulullah menanyakan kenapa Jibril tidak ikut sama menyertainya.Kemudian dipanggilah Jibril yang sebelumnya sudah bersiap di atas langit dunia menyambut roh kekasih Allah dan penghulu dunia ini.

"Jibril,jelaskan apa hakku nanti di hadapan Allah?" tanya Rasululllah dengan suara yang amat lemah.

"Pintu-pintu langit telah terbuka,para malaikat telah menanti rohmu. Semua syurga terbuka lebar menanti kedatanganmu," kata Jibril.

Tapi itu ternyata tidak membuatkan Rasulullah lega,matanya masih penuh kecemasan.

"Engkau tidak senang mendengar khabar ini?" Tanya Jibril lagi.

"Khabarkan kepadaku bagaimana nasib umatku kelak?"

"Jangan khawatir,wahai Rasul Allah,aku pernah mendengar Allah berfirman kepadaku:

“Kuharamkan syurga bagi siapa saja,kecuali umat Muhammad telah berada di dalamnya," kata Jibril.

Detik-detik semakin dekat,saatnya Izrail melakukan tugas. Perlahan roh Rasulullah ditarik.Nampak seluruh tubuh Rasulullah bersimbah peluh,urat-urat lehernya menegang.

"Jibril,betapa sakit sakaratul maut ini." Perlahan Rasulullah mengaduh. Fatimah terpejam,Ali yang di sampingnya menunduk semakin dalam dan Jibril memalingkan muka.

"Jijikkah kau melihatku,hingga kau palingkan wajahmu Jibril?" tanya Rasulullah pada Malaikat pengantar wahyu itu.

"Siapakah yang sanggup,melihat kekasih Allah direnggut ajal," kata Jibril.

Sebentar kemudian terdengar Rasulullah memekik,kerana sakit yang tidak tertahankan lagi.

"Ya Allah,dahsyat nian maut ini,timpakan saja semua siksa maut ini kepadaku,jangan pada umatku."

Badan Rasulullah mulai dingin,kaki dan dadanya sudah tidak bergerak lagi.Bibirnya bergetar seakan hendak membisikkan sesuatu, Saidina Ali segera mendekatkan telinganya.

"Uusiikum bis salati,wa maa malakat aimanukum,peliharalah solat dan peliharalah orang-orang lemah di antaramu."

Di luar pintu tangis mulai terdengar bersahutan,sahabat saling berpelukan.Saidatina Fatimah az-Zahra' menutupkan tangan di wajahnya, dan Saidina Ali kembali mendekatkan telinganya ke bibir Rasulullah yang mulai kebiruan.

"Ummatii,ummatii,ummatiii?" - "Umatku, umatku, umatku"

Dan,berakhirlah hidup manusia mulia yang memberi sinaran itu.Kini,mampukah kita mencintai sepertinya? Allahumma solli 'ala Muhammad wabaarik wa salim 'alaihi.Betapa cintanya Rasulullah kepada kita.

Walaupun ini bukanlah satu kisah cinta antara Romeo dan Juliet atau antara Puteri Diana dengan Dodi Al-Fayed tapi percayalah, inilah cinta agung antara Rasulullah Muhammad s.a.w dengan KITA. Ya, saya dan kalian. Percaya atau tidak, "Umatku, umatku, umatku" yang disebut2 oleh Rasulullah s.a.w sebelum baginda wafat adalah kita sendiri.

Mungkin sukar untuk kita terima yang kita ni sangat2 dicintai oleh Rasulullah kerana siapalah kita untuk dicintai oleh insan Agung seperti baginda tetapi pada hakikatnya cinta Rasulullah terhadap umatnya tidak dapat ditandingi dengan cinta2 lain. Sehinggakan sebelum baginda wafat, baginda masih lagi risau tentang umat baginda. Sehinggakan baginda meminta supaya kesakitan dan keazaban sakaratul maut yang tidak terhingga itu tidak ditanggung oleh umat baginda.

Pertama kali aku baca kisah ni, aku rasa sangat sayu dan hiba. Dan aku tak tahu cara apa lagi yang aku mampu lakukan untuk membalas cinta agung itu. Hanya sekadar selawat membasahi lidah namun aku tahu ianya masih tidak cukup untuk menandingi cinta baginda. Semoga kita semua tidak tergolong dalam golongan yang tidak mencintai baginda.

Salam MaulidurRasul

Rolled Wishes

I wish…

• I could have the Motorola PEBL U6! *sob sob* Abg amir punye pasal la ni. Waaa..
• I could be a photographer by now.
• I could recur the day again..witness the gorgeousness of the sunrise and feel the silent grandeur of the morning air..and could capture and keep the moment from being slipped away. You get what I mean.
• The time could shudder to a halt and I don’t have to experience bad moments again.
• The missed call was from someone I care. And I wish the person would call me back.
• The driver in the ravishing 3 series could stop in front of me and asked me “Wanna ride?”. I’d love him for my entire life if he really did so. Seriously.. (Materialistiknye dina oi! Ish2)
• I could be a blogger like Pak Koje and Makcik Gas. And post something up that is good to be read, at least not a gibberish la. Haih..
• My shooting star was around. Miss her T_T
• I could be a good doctor one day. And married to the precious and special man and have a big and happy family :)
  
• Nazme, Salma and Effa were big enough to wish me. Heh..
• To some extents, I wish I did not have the sixth sense. It scares me sometimes.
• The vision was just a nightmare. Dear Allah, please give her a second chance. Please give her some more times to accept the truth. Please forgive her for every sin she has done and don’t let her be alone. May she’s strong enough to confront the forthcoming days.
• Max was still my good friend.
• I could replay my life from the beginning and fill those voids up with something that have I been wishing for.
• I had never met him.
• Lupi was around with us to celebrate the day. Celebrating our birthday without his being beside was quite downhearted though he’s having a whale of a time in Rome now.
• My wishes would be materialized one day :)
  

Happy Birthday, Lupi. May you have a great venture of life now and forever.

P/S: Special thanx to Abg Amir for the dress and the cake (Thanx bro. Love you :)), Lupi for the message, Im for the call, Roy for the jewang but huduh card (Hampeh la lu!), Diamond Girls for the expected party (haha!), Izy for the call and the tear-jerking card (Miss you, really T_T), Qilah for the sweet and jewang card and the present (I like it..seriously..), Maisarah and Sya for the call and the jewang cards ;p, Tirah and Syira for the long-distance call (cewah! Heh..), Man and Ika for the evening time and the treat, 'you' for the wish (I thought you wouldn’t wish me. Saspen ah! Hhehe..), and my endless list of friends who have wished me now, before and after. Hehe.. I really2 appreciate your wishes and could never forget them but will always be kept in (my handphone? Or friendster? Hehe…) mind. Love you guys so much :)

Tentang apakah?

‘Aku tak tau la deyna..aku tau mmg aku dah byk kali rase camni and dah naik bosan n muak dah aku berperasaan camni..aku tau mmg tak ke mane..’

‘Aku doa deyna..aku mmg doa..’

‘He's just tooo good to be true and tooo good for me..sedih la deyna :('

‘Ye aku tau, byk doa kat Allah and percaya dengan apa yang Allah dah tetapkan tapi siapela aku ni and sampai mane je la aku boleh bertahan dengan pegangan tu’

‘Aku manusia biase deyna..I need other people jugak..tp tu la, susah sgt nak jumpe..’

‘There's not even one reason why I should hate him. He has done so many things to me..’

‘I noe, everything should be over by now. I'm still trying deyna’

Kadang kala aku berasa simpati dengan rakan-rakanku yang mempunyai masalah hati ini. Dan aku tidak nafikan, aku juga pernah mengalaminya. Sebab itula sebagai seorang manusia, seorang remaja dan seorang hamba Allah, kita perlu saling ingat mengingati antara satu sama lain dan berusahalah untuk mencari ilmu yang boleh membawa kita ke jalan yang benar.

Sudah menjadi lumrah hidup manusia dan menjadi naluri seorang remaja untuk rasa disayangi dan menyayangi orang lain. Mungkin kita sudah ada mereka2 yang menyayangi kita namun kekosongan di hati masih lagi mencari seseorang yang istimewa. Aku tertarik dengan kata-kata seorang ustad ketika di MYC dahulu. 'Sebenarnya Allah mengosongkan hati remaja itu untuk diisi dengan kecintaan kepadaNya, bukan kecintaan kepada manusia' Terasa juga aku ketika itu. Maklumlah, siapa yang tidak pernah dilanda dengan perasaan suka dan cinta bukan? Tapi janganlah sampai perasaan suci itu dikotori dengan perkara-perkara yang tidak sepatutnya. Sebab itulah pentingnya kita memahami konsep cinta yang sebenar.

Beberapa minggu yang lepas, seorang sahabat meminta tolong aku membelikan sebuah buku bertajuk 'T3ntang Cint@' yang ditulis oleh Ustad Pahro1. Aku agak musykil juga pada mulanya kerana aku tidak begitu minat dengan buku-buku yang berkisarkan dengan perkara-perkara sebegini. Namun, muka surat pertama telah berjaya menarik hati aku untuk beli satu untuk diri sendiri. Dan Alhamdulillah, buku tu telah banyak mengajar aku erti sebenar 'cinta' dan 'CINTA'.

Aku nasihatkan pada kalian terutamanya remaja-remaja di luar sana, gadaikanlah sedikit wang dan luangkanlah sedikit masa untuk baca buku ini. Biarlah jika akhirnya kita terpaksa berpisah dengan 'pakwe' atau 'makwe' kita tapi janganlah sampai kita mewujudkan jurang yang besar antara kita dengan pencipta 'CINTA' itu sendiri.

Dan semalam aku telah berkongsi sebuah doa dengan sahabat aku tersebut dan apa yang membuat hati aku menjadi sayu, dia menelefon aku pagi2 Subuh tadi dan menangis. Sehingga kini aku tidak pasti mengapa kerana aku tak berkesempatan untuk bertanya tapi apa yang aku doakan dan harapkan ialah ianya adalah satu tangisan keinsafan.

"Ya Allah, seandainya telah Engkau catatkan dia milikku tercipta buatku, satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku. Titipkanlah kebahagian antara kami agar kemesraan itu abadi. Dan ya Allah ya Tuhanku yang maha mengasihi, seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini, ketepian yang sejahtera dan abadi...

Tetapi ya Allah, seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan dia bukan miliku, bawalah ia jauh dari pandanganku. Luputkanlah ia dari ingatanku. Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan....

Serta ya Allah ya Tuhanku yang maha mengerti, berikanlah aku kekuatan, melontar bayangannya jauh ke dada langit, hilang bersama senja nan merah, agarku bisa bahagia, walaupun tanpa bersama dengannya...

Dan ya Allah yang tercinta, gantilah yang telah hilang. Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah walaupun tidak sama dengan dirinya...

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku... Pasrahkanlah aku dengan takdirMu... Sesungguhnya apa yang telah Engkau takdirkan adalah yang terbaik buat ku kerana Engkau maha mengetahui... Segala yang terbaik buat hamba Mu ini...

Ya Allah, cukuplah Engkau sahaja yang menjadi pemeliharaku di dunia dan di akhirat. Dengarlah rintihan dari hamba Mu yang daif ini. Jangan Engkau biarkan aku sendirian di dunia ini mahupun di akhirat. Menjuruskan aku kearah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran. Maka kurniakanlah aku seorang pasangan yang beriman supaya aku dan dia sama2 dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup ke jalan yang Engkau redhai. Dan kurniakanlah padaku keturunan yang soleh....

Amin.. Ya Rabbal A'lamin"

Satu forum tentang topik ini telah diadakan tadi. 3 orang panel yang sangat2 aku kagumi telah hadir ke kolej untuk membincangkan perkara ini. Dan aku amat gembira sebab dapat autograf. Hehe..Syukran Ustaz :)

p/s: aku tidur lambat malam ni sebab esok balik! heh..

Tiba-tiba..

Orang kata friendster tu karut. Ada juga betulnye. Bagi aku, karutnya melebihi yang tidak karut. Namun, yang tidak karut itulah yang memberi aku peluang untuk bertemu semula dengan rakan2 sepermainan dulu. Dan juga dipertemukan dengan orang-orang yang dahulunya pernah aku menghabiskan masa bersama. Atau orang-orang yang tahu menghargai sebuah persahabatan.

'hai kak dina. ni LDP yg jaga class saya time f4 kn? so, kak amcam skang? kat mane? neway,just wanna say thanx coz still remember me n add me as ur fren. so, gd luck n all da best. may god bless u'

aku teringat pada adik2 aku di maktab dulu. Kami tak serapat bagai seorang kakak dan adik tapi cukup bagi aku untuk menghargai kehadiran mereka. Walau sesibuk mana aku, walau semalas mana aku, adik2 masih aku fikirkan. Bukanla aku menganggap mereka masih kecil atau mereka tidak mampu menguruskan masa sendiri malah mereka lebih bijak menguruskan diri mereka sendiri tapi mungkin kerana aku berjauhan dengan adik2 di rumah dan terasa kehilangan mereka sedikit sebanyak. Dan adik2 di maktab la yang menjadi pengganti.

Biarpun mereka tidak merasakan benda yang sama, aku tetap sanggup menghabiskan masa dan beberapa fulus untuk mereka. Bukan perhatian yang aku inginkan, apatah lagi penghargaan. Aku hanya ingin melihat senyuman di muka mereka. Senyuman yang mampu mengukir satu di raut muka aku sendiri.


Sebelum aku meninggalkan maktab dua tahun yang lalu, teringin rasanya aku memberikan sedikit 'hadiah' pada adik2. Dan setiap ucapan terima kasih yang aku terima aku sambut dengan hati yang penuh gembira. Gembira kerana aku telah membuat mereka gembira. Mungkin hati dan jiwa seseorang seperti aku yang suka akan kegembiraan orang lain membuatkan aku sanggup sacrifice untuk adik2.

Namun aku tidak mengharapkan benda yang sama daripada 'orang lain'. Mungkin 'orang lain' mempunyai cara yang tersendiri, siapa tahu. Setiap perkara yang dikongsi bersama tetap aku kekalkan di fikiran. Sememangnya 'orang lain' tidak sama dengan orang lain. Dan aku amat menghargai segala apa yang 'orang lain' telah berikan.

Aku tidak sabar untuk menunggu kedatangan adik2 baru semester depan. Mungkin satu pertemuan dan persahabatan yang murni sedang menunggu di hadapan. Dan apa yang pasti, satu perpisahan antara aku dan 'orang lain' juga sedang mengira detik dan ketika. Sememangnya tiada apa yang kekal di dunia ini. Cukupla sekadar mainan fikiran yang sentiasa menjadi ingatan.

the undersized reality

People have been living by a phrase ‘What a small world’ since forever but do they actually know how small is small?

During my last semester break, I got a chance to meet a new friend. She is by coincidence Sarah’s good friend and we met each other during an outing to Mid. This young lady is very nice, very the polite one and her smiles always make me wonder of how wonderful her life might be. The best thing about her is she could make me laugh within 5 minutes on our first meeting. She did a really good job I tell you. Memang best la kawan dgn die. And it appears that she lives in Subang. Wow, Subang! Haha… Old memoriesssss..

Anyways, ever since, we do contact each other sometimes. Just for the sake of keep-in-touch stuff. And apparently, this friend of mine, Sarah actually has been talking to her about an old friend of mine, Max. So this lady actually knows quite a lot about me la. I don’t mind really. At least we have something to chat about every time we bumped into each other in msn. But she never asked me about Max and I did not know that she knows Max until today. Max lives in Subang jugak. Jiran satu lorong lagi tu. Hah! Nak tergelak pun ade jugak. And as of now I know how small and tiny the world can be. Am I surprised? Oh well…. Life is all about surprises init?

So she knows Max. The least expected thing I have ever wanted to hear from her. I don’t really care a toss with all those pathetic histories. Max was a major mistake ever happened on me but I don’t regret about it at all. Because I have my own standing and I don’t care what other people would say. I don’t mind getting pinned by him. I don’t give a damn about his thoughts. We’re practicing ‘freedom of speech and freedom of thought’ aren’t we? So, there should not be any problem.

But… as I have my own rights to speak this out, if I have ever had wishes to ask for; this is the last thing that could ever cross my mind. I wish I had never met Max. I wish I had never known him. And I wish I had never met this young lady. Seriously… But what else can I do? I can’t just ditch her just like that can I? She’s a nice girl really. But being reminded by all these nonsense is really down dragging. Nothing much I can do though. Perhaps I was too attached to the ‘Max’s life’ that makes me ending up filled with all the rage and hatred. It’s painful. Very. But options are not always there for me to choose so letting everything goes by their own pace is the best thing I can do. Life after all……… is full with surprises. And this is indeed a small world.

Life moves on without a word leaving you alone and restless
When the days begin to fade away and you find yourself thinking
Of all those memories you have somehow forgotten
All the friends you have left behind
And all those moments you never got to have
Then you start to realise that somehow
All those worries you once had are no longer there
That your life even though it wasn't how you planed it
Turned out just right that you would not want to change a thing
Even all the bad memories
Because in the end they made you who you are today
Kind of sad that it took all these years for you to figure out
And that one day you too will fade away
And become just another memory