Oh, I'm cool B)

Abg @min.. The first time I met this guy, he was very pleasant and friendly. I instantly liked him and adored him very much. Everytime he came by our house, I’d spend my whole time with him, telling him every single thing about school, friends, and of course, crushes. Hehe.. I remember I told him about N@fidz and R@fiq. I remember how he laughed over my stupid jokes. He was a very good listener and he enjoyed being one. He was a very great brother.

But that was ages ago, when I was probably 8 or 9. Now, they all appear to be only good memories to be engraved in mind. Yesterday, he finally tied the knot. I was glad to see him standing in the middle of the crowd with the bride, smiling happily. And what made me a bit melancholic was the recall I had. That’s all.

There was also another wedding next door. It was amusing to hear what the mothers talked about especially on having a son/daughter in law. There was this one aunty cakap dekat Mum, “Eh, you dah lama tak buat kenduri kan. Lepas ni anak you yg mane pulak?”. Mum smiled and spontaneously looked at me. I knew that was a reflex and I knew Lupi was in Mum’s head, not me.

Then we had a family chat. We talked about some future plans when the rest of the siblings were to get married. And Mum kept asking me if I have already seen anyone. I don’t blame her for that kind of action. In fact, I’ve already become immune to it. Perhaps that’s just a natural behaviour of a mother towards her daughter who’s going to be a doctor in aeon’s time. I already have two brother-in-laws and one sister-in-law. And being an aunty to one nephew and two nieces doesn’t make me feel any younger. And the gap between me and Lupi is just like two years. It’s not that I’m planning to get married whatsoever in the nearest time [sorry, come again?!] but I came to think how funny it must be to be in my position. You know, the nanti-dina-ngan-lupi-kawen-skali-la and dina-kene-carik-org-dekat2-jugak and dina-kene-kawen-by-24 kind of statements. At first it was a bit scarry and unpleasant to think these kinds of thing but come to think of it, I kinda take pleasure in it. Hehe..

Along Ima: Sape kawen dulu? Dina ke Lupi?
Me: Of course la Lupi! Takkan @ini nak tunggu sampai 26/27 kot?
Along Ima: Tapi takkan Lupi nak kawen before grad? Degree 5 tahun. Housemanship setaun. Keje kumpul duit, let say, setaun. Ha, 7 taun lagi!
Me: Ohhoo.. ok la, dina pun dina la =) Takkan nak tunggu 7 taun lagi kot? Hoho tanak!
Dad: Eee ade ke cakap mcm tu..
Me: Heeehee

And how I wish Lupi was there too, backing himself up. Hehe.. I love my family very much. And I love having a big family and I wish for one too, insyaAllah :)

Lempaian Chahya Nirmala

Inang dan dayang- dayang seraya menjerit “Tuanku Puteri!!”

Inang: Mengucap, Tuanku Puteri, mengucap! Jangan dicemar nama almarhum ayahanda Tuan Puteri dengan nista sebegini hina… Membunuh diri itu haram dilaknat Tuhan, tuanku!

Melur: Janganlah begini, Tuan Puteri! Kalaulah hamba menjadi Tuan Puteri, hambalah manusia paling bahagia. (nada berbisik) Sehingga sanggup Sultan berbunuhan, semata- mata untuk meruntas hati Tuan Puteri!

Melati: Ah, engkau ni, berbadan manusia berhati jinkah? (menunjal kepada D1) Setiap yang waras, mestilah berduka dengan kehilangan ayahanda tercinta!

Melur: Ah, bodoh alang sungguh kau ni ya! Berkahwin dengan Sultan, gilalah kalau berduka!! Nanti, boleh jadi maharani seluruh negeri!

Tun Chahya Ningsih: Sudah, sudah! Jiwa kita ini…hiba, sebu, tak siapa pun yang faham. (bermunajat) Tuhanku Yang Maha Kaya, kurniakan daku kekuatan dalam menyusuri lorong kehidupan ini. Hambamu ini terpinga- pinga mencari sesuatu… Harapan…

I've just received the final script from @qtar last week, which means to say that I'm forced to pay as much attention as possible on B@ngsaw@n. I'm not initally intending to be 'Melur' but since the character was not held by anyone after series of audition, I have to be in that position, like it or not. Being one of the cast alongside with a post as the head of props would not be any easier job at all. I've prepared myself mentally and physically for that 2 week of hustle and bustle. Although my studies [and also my preparation for interviews. Well, if I were to be called for one. Hmm..] are waay up there on the top of my priorities, I'm going to work all-out for B@angsaw@n. After everything is over, I'm going to be a queer duck who always clings to academic stuffs and never sees other things as interesting as intelectual books. Yes, I don't care if other people see me as a nerd. I want to be proud of it, once in a while. Hoho.. Well, let's see if I could prove myself right! Hah!

babble and bebel

Last night I slept around 4, abeskan buku Sidney Sheldon, Windmills of the Gods. Dah beribu buku Sheldon aku bace, aku tau, mesti ade elemen2 surprise. So dari awal2 lagi aku cube teka sape pembunuh die tp last2 mesti salah jugak org yg aku teka!! Bengong betol. But the book was good. Sheldon’s books have always been the ones that I couldn’t put down. Memang sangat best.

Lepas abes bace buku, tak bleh tido plak. Risau banyak benda. Aduhai…

These two weeks have been very brief and only 3 weeks left before college starts. As usual, rase tanak balik kolej dan rase stressful tu adalah sangat normal lebih2 dah nak final. Ohhhh~

A recap on my programme in these two weeks:

Mon to Wed ~ went to pd with family.

Thurs ~ went to alia’s house ada kenduri. Tolong2 kat rumah die. Sronok tp sangat memenatkan. Tak bawak camera time tu so tadak gambar.

Fri ~ Pegi un!m ngan thirah. Bawak camera tp tak tertangkap gambar. Heh..

Weekends ~ Babysit nazme and effa. Mama diorang ada seminar kat genting so the aunties la kene jage. Perasaan: Gembire melepaskan rindu di saat2 awal je lepastu dah penat. Haha.. Nazme makin ngada2 dan bajet kewl ar jadik bos kat rumah. Ulang cite Cars ngan Madagascar seribu kali!! Takde can aku nak tgk tv..

Mon to Tue ~ Went to Melaka with ijuon.. Sronok sangat tp knackering la.. As of we arrived until we departed, the rain didn’t stop even for a second. Bejalan2 di banda hilir pun tengah2 hujan. Macam beser pegi banda hilir, ade Afamosa, Stadyhus, pastu tengok pameran mistik yang tak best n tak berbaloi langsung tp takpe, tourism punye pasal. Pastu pegi Ayer Keroh pegi tengok pameran lebah ape tah, pastu pegi Jusco belikan adiah utk Najib pastu balik!~ Ohhoo sangat penat.. Tak bawak camera bleh tak..

Wed ~ Went to Midvel with thirah. Followed dad to cheras first, uruskan hal insurance then Dad dropped me off kat Midvel. Tgk cite ‘Cinta’. At first, I was a bit cynical with that movie. I thought, ‘Alaa mesti cite typical cintan2 tahpape ni’ but it wasn’t quite that true. On a scale of 5, aku bagi 3.8 la. Credits go to the cameraman sebab gamba die sangat lawa. Aku rase cameraman tu mesti photographer yg berjaya. Angles from which he shot memang gempak ar! And I noticed that he [or maybe she] banyak guna shadowing effect. And the colour management of the gambar pon memang best. Jalan crita agak menarik. Cuma ‘cinta’ yang paling bodoh aku rase is between sharifah amani ngan mamat surat khabar yg cakap mcm ala2 pondan dengan eizlan yusof ngan azura bengong tu. Tahpape gak ar.. the rest of the couples mmg best. Kalo tengok sorang and hayati betul2, bleh nangis gak ar. Tp sbb aku tak tahan nak terkucil mase tu so agak tak concentrate. Heh.. Then had lunch at Madam Kwan’s sebab ade ramai waiter yg ala2 hemsem. Borak2 sampai tak igt dunie pastu solat dan seperti biase, window shopping je sebab broke gile. Hah hah..

Thurs ~ I was planning to go to sunway main ice skating ngan tikah, syira, aina kam and ramai lagi tp sangat penat dan sangat broke, so tak jadik. Sadis gak sebab mmg dah excited nak pegi tp xde rezeki. Huhu.. so duk rumah macam biase, tengok tv, makan, tido dan buang mase.

Fri iaitu hari ni ~ Takde plan nak pegi mane2 lagi. Sent Mum and Dad kat komuter sebab diorang nak pegi Shah Alam. Abang Tengku akan ambik diorang kat Shah Alam pastu pegi Klang ambek kereta pastu... pastu.. bawak kreta balik rumah and aku akan tido dalam kreta baru malam ni. Hah hah.. Maybe pegi Hospital Serdang jap tengok nazme n effa, jumpe afar jap kalo die ade kat spital lagi [nenek afar masuk ICU.. sian die..] pastu bawak nazme jenjalok ah..

Hmm.. tu je ah. Aku nak kene start study ah. Kotak buku tak unpack lagi. Haha.. Teringat lagi dulu Abg Lan penah ckp, 'jgn sia2kan cuti.. buat la bende pekdah sket, blaja masak ke ape..' tp aku x ikut ckp die, last2 nyesal. So skrg aku tanak nyesal lagi. At least so far aku ade gak ar study photography. Tp naik2 kolej ade berjuta test so kene study gak :'( Sob2.. Ok la, penat la merepek. Tata!~

special note:
i) Yesterday was afar's 22nd birthday!! Selamat Hari Jadi kawanku!
ii) Smalam thirah baru dapat results exam die. And I believe she did well this time. Haven't replied her message but I need some time to arrange my words so that I could make her feel acknowledged and appreciated. She really makes me proud of her.. Congrats thirah!

The Power Of Illumination

I've got so much to blog about but I'm not really in the mood. I am sooo knackered that I cannot do anything but setting up my new photo blog. I've been waiting for an activation email from fotopages for centuries but they still cannot avoid from getting on my nerves. Flickr Pro is the most reliable photo blog I've ever known so far but that's if you could pay 30dollars for every feature they offer and I'm not that rich. Fortunately, at a very right time, Vox appears to be another dependable site. Well, I hope so. I've just posted my first post today so can't say much about it. For the rest of the comments, feel free to drop by the site.

Something Better

Firman Allah: 001_3

~Apa yang ada pada kamu akan habis dan hilang lenyap, dan apa yang ada di sisi Allah tetap kekal; dan sesungguhnya Kami membalas orang-orang sabar dengan memberikan pahala yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah mereka kerjakan~

"Maka, bila mana kita mempunyai sesuatu yang bernilai dan berharga, serahkanlah ia kepada Allah agar tetap terpelihara di sisiNya.

Bila mana kita diselubungi sesuatu keputusan yang tidak pasti, seperti keputusan peperiksaan, keputusan pertandingan, keputusan interview atau apa jua penantian, maka serakanlah ia pada Allah.

Bila mana kita mempunyai sahabat-sahabat karib, ahli keluarga, saudara mara yang kita sayangi, serahkanlah mereka ke sisi Ilahi agar kekal abadi, dijaga rapi dan dipelihara Allah SWT. Sentiasa dan selamanya.

So, berserah sajalah kepada Allah atas segala apa yang kita ada dan bersabarlah menerima ketentuanNya. Kalau Allah tak kabulkan apa yg kita pinta pada waktu ni, jgnlah kita mengeluh atau sedih. InsyaAllah Dia kabulkan doa kita pada waktu lain dgn sesuatu yg lebih baik atau dengan cara yang lebih baik. InsyaAllah :) Kan tertulis dalam Al-Quran, Allah tu Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. Kalam Allah tu janji Allah, kebanyakan manusia tidak mengetahui. Yakinlah kita dengan kata-kataNya. Sifat Maha PenyayangNya itu tak sama dengan sifat sayang segala makhluk. Renungkanlah~ :)"

Someone once wrote that. Maybe I need to calm myself down before the next killing semester comes. Sigh..

To nazi and sarah, thanx for your concern and thanx a lot for the encouraging words :)

Hang In There

"Nampaknya hobi menangkap gambar semakin tertutup rapat. Good luck untuk Erin dan Arep dengan kamera masing-masing dan sentiasalah belajar untuk jadi yang terbaik." -encik niz@m yang sungguh pelik dan mungkin ade sakit mental.

Tak tahu nape tapi aku rase sedih dengan kenyataan yang dibuat oleh beliau. Terase sungguh sentimental sekali. Rase nak nangis. Sob2.. Adoi..

Anyways, I’ve once blogged about my anxiety over my future carrier. And I just realized that there has been an argument about the working hours of housemen.

• This. [A@ron was my super senior]
• This. And..
• This.
  

Sue me if you wish but I will never concur with the current health service the Government is working on. Different people have different views but to think out of the box, housemen are the last people who deserve to be treated that way.

All these stuff, they have been bothering me these few days. So many events cropped up without warning and I’m becoming more fretful from day to day. I’m not even sure now whether I’m capable enough to keep striving on this line. The desire is too strong that I would go for it no matter what, whichever path I have to go but… I just don’t feel confident with myself at times. After got rejected by my first choice university, I cannot assure myself anymore whether I am meant for this vocation or not. I hate to disillusion myself and I want to feel confident with myself but I’m not that strong.

All this while, I’ve been dreaming to further my studies abroad [in the UK particularly] and become a good muslimah doctor and Alhamdulillah, I was chosen to be on the right track. I’ve been given a scholarship, which means I’m beholden to other people’s trust to make sure that one day, the money that I was paid for is worth every drop of sweat that other people are showered with. And with that, I should have gained self-beliefs from every return of acknowledgement I obtained but the rivalry is too intense and never gets any easier. When my other colleagues are worrying about getting offered by all universities they apply to, I’m idly floating in the air, not sure whether to get even one offer. And when they come about with ‘Tu la, sape suruh nak jadik doctor’ or ‘Naseb baek aku bukan medic student’ kind of statements, all I could do is just be strong and be proud of myself for having the strength to go through every predicament that is coming along. They could never experience and understand how satisfying it is to help and cure other unfortunate people in need.

I used to dream about working for few years in the UK, get married, get my MRCPs done, become a specialist and then get back to Malaysia and serve my country with every expertise I gained. But the other day, Along Ima told me that her friend, a King’s graduate and an MRCPs holder is coming back due to the unemployment of international doctors in the UK. They now give priority to the EU doctors. So, that in a way explains why Leicester is now calling for only 100 international students for interview and I’m not lucky enough to be in the list.

The other day, thirah asked me, “Katekan la one day, awak dapat offer to read medicine kat UK and right before awak fly overseas, tiba2 awak jumpe your mr. Perfect and korang decide to get married. The problem is, the guy cannot tag you along to the UK sebab masalah keluarga or ade business besar kat Mesia. And he is just the right person for you and you cannot imagine your life without him. Will you go for your dream or for the guy?”. Within a few nanoseconds, the words ‘my dream’ slipped through my tongue. And I knew how thirah struggled to make me understand that the guy is just the ONLY man and it’s a decision that has no turning back, whether I go with the guy I love, have a family and continue with my dream to be a doctor with a local degree OR leave the guy, study abroad, be a doctor and will never have a family. "No matter what, I would go for my dream. First, kite tak leh bayangkan diri kite in that kind of situation. Second, after sacrificing my whole life for my dream, I won’t let it slip away just like that." I couldn’t even give myself a second thought on that because I couldn’t imagine myself letting go my ultimate goal. But what really came to mind was ‘Am I gonna hold an extreme job and become a workaholic or am I gonna become a good mother and a good wife?’.

See… I keep on thinking and thinking. I can’t help myself.

For now, I cannot just quit, start on my own business and leave my college just like that. Or can I? Hah hah.. No no.. that is soo irrational. You know what, sometimes, the more I think about it, the more stronger I become and this is not the right time for me to give up and the time will never arrive. I’ve thought about it and now, I’m not sure if to not commit to the UK universities is the right thing to do. I’m contemplating now whether to give myself a chance to apply to IUMC or RCSI. It’s not really a big deal actually. As long as I have a strong faith in Allah and I know, wherever He puts me in and whichever way He destines me for, it will always be the best outcome for me. And I hope I will always cling to that belief.

Keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through
Just stay strong
Cause you know I'm here for you
I'm here for you
There's nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So, keep holding on
Cause you know we'll make it through
We'll make it through

The Warmth

It has been quite a while. I’ve been in my own world that I somehow put this blog aside. But it has been good though. The world.. it treats me great.

I went to PD last Monday and got back home last Wednesday. Mum got a seminar in Guoman Hotel and Dad had to make a business trip to Melaka so worse come to worse I had to drive. The journey was not that long and tiring so there was nothing I needed to complain about. The place was stunning (!) because first, the scenery was spectacular, second, it provided me with loads of subjects to photograph and third, it gave me a chance to meet a hot guy. Daym! I wish the moment froze for eternity! Anyways, I was very glad to get the opportunity to snap some nice and gorgeous pictures.

“Anid, diri sane! Eh tak diri sini!”
“Ape..ko ingat aku model ke?”
“Asal? Tanak jadik model?”
“Kalo ko jadik photographer nye watpe. Takde klas!”
“Cis! Tak kire.. diri sane! Posing maut cepat!”
And there you go.. I think the B&W mode is better tapi tak geti nak edit bagi lawa. But I think that’s ok. I had to be the photographer after all. That’s why anid and icah kene jadik model. I couldn’t be the model sebab kalau anid or icah tangkap mesti goyang!! Cis.. As for the second one, the photo is not crisp enough. I was in a hurry so I couldn’t stop the shake. But I like the angle from which I snapped it. I used low ISO, wide aperture and low shutter speed. As for the third, I tried eight times to get the right one! Hah.. But I think it still can be improved. Low shutter speed, wide aperture and large ISO. To tell you the truth, I haven’t mastered the right combination of all those criteria yet. I’m still experimenting but they still turned out quite impressively though. And I haven’t reached the level to be proud of myself, don’t worry. I got tones and tones of things to learn. There are more pictures actually but I haven’t finished to make some editing and retouching. Just got my laptop back so I need to work on other photos first.

Anyways, I went to UN!M just now with Thirah. Since Mum and Dad had some work to settle off in Klang regarding the tax for the new car so we had to pull off by 630pm and we reached there by maghrib. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting anything AT ALL. I just went there just as my manner to pay @my a visit and just to look around. But much to my surprise, @my and friends cooked some scrumptious food and they invited some other friends for dinner, one of whom was someone I know and I wasn’t really pleased and anticipating for that moment. But for the first time, I didn’t feel any awkwardness at all like I used to feel whenever he’s around. We were like normal friends and I was glad to feel that way. Before he arrived, my heartbeat was so fast that I barely felt my heart was pumping. Sounds exaggerating but it’s kinda true though. Perhaps I was just in a shock stage. But everything went off smoothly. I couldn’t deny that I was happy to see him back. I was very glad. But to some extents, I wish I didn’t meet him at all, especially at that moment, because I’ve promised to myself to let everything go. So I’m beholden to that promise and I cannot break it in any way. I know I sound so stupid and childish, I admit it. But if that can make me happy so, let it be. I’m sorry for myself for everything but that’s what I should expect in the first place.

To thirah, @my, int@n, di@na, d!ni, zu| and ru2@ini, thanx for the nice dinner and the warmth. I couldn’t thank more. And to thirah, you are right :) I couldn’t stop myself from blogging about the incident. Heh.. Nanti kite blanje starbucks ;) and to you-know-who, enjoy yourself in the training. I know you've been dying to go for it because I know you're amongst the chosen ones. And thanx a lot for the great time... It was good to see you back.

p/s: I've received the rejection e-mail from Leicester. No comment[fullstop]

My own comments...

..on my own photos.. Just bear with it. If you can't stand the self-glorious words I'm going to write, then you can close this window if you wish.

To start off this entry, I finally received a reply from one of Amy's team members. What she wrote in her website were enough to convince and encourage me to keep me on this line. It's not that I've given up before [well, to be honest, I did have a slight thought of that] but I just need some words of support that can drive me forward and yea, Amy had done a good job. So I was contemplating to get one for myself and I’ve told Dad if he would give me a green light and he said ‘yes’ :) But when I told Abg @mir about it, he said it’s too expensive and he could find a cheaper one at eBay so, that’s what I’m waiting for right now. Heee~

So I stayed up these few nights, winding up the book and now I know what all those photographical terms mean. It’s quite interesting to know that all this while; I’ve never known such thing. I mean, we’ve been having a camera since ages ago but we’ve never known how it properly works. All we knew was just to get a right angle [which most of the time were not very accurate actually] and click the shutter straight away without knowing that there are other things that actually play other major roles. But that’s the second matter. What actually matters after all is how all those photographs that we took have gotten the power to stop the memorable moments and how they steal our hearts with expressions they potray. Aren’t they powerful? I don’t know.. I just think they’re authoritative in pronouncing emotion that lies within.

But anyways, I went to Klang the other day with Mum Dad and anid. I saw the new replacement. At that time, I didn’t really feel excited. Dunno why.. Maybe I was not expecting much. But not that I hate it. I like it really but.. it just didn’t lift the exhilaration out of me. Hah.. it’s just a car after all, I couldn’t look forward to anything could I? But I took some pictures anyhow. And after putting endless effort on photoshop, these are what I finally come out with :)

What I really like about this picture is the not-so-deep DOF. And the black shadow effect fits just nicely. But it's not the best picture anyway. I just like the outcome :)

And for this one, the shadow effect is ok la but the DOF is not that good. I'm still working on getting the right DOF tapi masih tak berjaye. Huhu.. I'm sure it's not that hard but what you have to know is just the right skill and the right steps to take.

And I like this picture :) Bukan sebab anid la of kos (!) but this is the right colour scheme and the right effect I've been working on all this while. Cumenye yang tak brape menjadik is anidnye kulit mcm bepenyakit sket. Haha.. Naseb baek anid je so takde hal lah. Huhu..

Out of all pictures, I like this one the most. But if only the DOF is good, it'd look much much better. And kalau lagi banyak variety of colours lagi lawa but this is satisfying enough :)

And as for this one, it doesn't look that successful kan? Bughuk ar jugak the filled-in blue colour but variation wise, it doesn't look that bad. But it can be improved though.

So I need to restart my project. The only problem now is that my laptop is ill so ade kat kedai and all pictures ade dalam laptop and I'm crossing my fingers that it wouldn't need to be reformated kalau tak memang mati. Oh tidaaakk~ Sob2..

To end this off, I'm more encouraged now :)

When two hearts are meant to be one

While we were watching ‘Beyond Borders’..

Abg @mir: Eh, sape name mamat ni eh..
Kak Su£: Tak ingat laa.. Clive something..
Abg @mir: Bukan bukan.. something Owen..
Kak Su£: Ade pulak.. bukan laa. I’m very sure it’s Clive something..
Abg @mir: Ish.. Bukan! Something Owen laa..
Dina: Shhhhh! Orang nak tengok tv la! *concentrating on the screen*
Kak Su£: Ya Allah.. tak percayeeee. Ok, nanti dah habes, tengok casting..

At the end of the movie..

Abg @mir and Kak Su£: Haaa.. Clive Owen!!
Dina: Bengong! Aduhaii…

Credit to Nadya

A long ramble..

I’M FINALLY HOME! YEAY!~

Sungguh banyak benda yg berlaku in these few days.

The college drama performance was taking place last Wednesday, ‘C0mmunicati0n Pr0bl3m’ which I think the best drama of all.

Bangsawan practice dah start. Although aku tak bleh nak deny ade banyak sangat problem berkaitan dengan bangsawan yang rase macam nak pecah kepala but that is what we expected. I’m in charge of the props and naseb baek Bad is my counterpart so boleh harap jugak la pakcik tu and senang sket keje. Kalo keje ngan the other housecapt, aduhai.. And the most embarrassing and surprising part is, I’m one of the cast. HAHAHAHAHA.. Tak bleh blar btol. Hari tu time audition, all the heads of department kene attend jugak and masa tu takde sape yang nak jadik one of the dayang and aku pun rase macam nak test2, jadik la dayang tu kejap. Tak pasal2 director suruh aku go for the position. Aduhai… but not as the main actress la. Konfem diamond kalah! Haha.. but it’s fun to work together with the rest of the team la and as of now the pressure is still bearable. I’m just dreading of the next semester when the force starts to kick in *sigh* Btw, more pictures will be posted later on.

These are ‘the white children’ bak kate Aqt@r. These gifted and chosen students came all the way from the UK to visit Malaysia to see and learn new things about our multicultural events and also to discuss world issues with some of the students from our college. I wasn’t involved in the programme so I didn’t have many photos to share. They are nice, very friendly and we’re glad to hear good feedbacks from them during the end of semester assembly yesterday morning, the day when the break started. They’re doing A-level as well but they’re still in their first year. Muke sume matured gile tapi diorang baru 16tahun. The way they talked in front of the crowd, giving their presentation and performances, they really showed how different they are from Malaysian kids in their age.

End of semester dinner went along well. Since the ‘white children’ were here, we called it Malaysian Cultural Night instead. The event was ok la. Menarik la jugak and the food were awesome! Sedap gile sampai full and rase nak tido kat dewan tu jugak. Heh.. The performances were ok and the cleaning-up-session was a bit frustrating though sebab junior sume cam siot tak tolong langsung. Lepas dah habes kemas sume, our beloved pn. r0g complaint about the juniors. She’s a bit worried sebab junior sume cam siot, takde sape yang menonjol and kitorang tak nampak lagi budak2 yang layak to run for Student C0unci| next year. Sehampeh2 post housecaptain pun aku tak nampak lagi budak yang bleh take over nanti. Agak kecewa la but I think they’ll learn over time. Perhaps they just need extra time.

And the most frustrating news is, I’m not called for Leicester interview. Actually, last week Bad received a rejection email from Leicester and that was enough to sent shock waves amongst the medic students who applied to that univ because we thought, that particular univ was ‘easy’ enough for us to get a place since it’s said to have this so-called good relationship with our college but when I knew that I wasn’t called for the interview, I wasn’t that shocked. Tak tahu nak rase ape. Sedih tu memang la tapi… ntahla. Bak kate athirah ‘Dina.. kite dah rase macam awak akan dapat notts yg awak tanak pegi tu..’. Hah.. rezeki and luck.. that’s about it. All I could do is just keep on praying. I know Allah has something else better for me :) I know He would never let me down.

Remember the project that I was talking about? Well, initially, I wanted to present my photos on the net by using the simpleviewer. But then, the other day, Fir@ told me that she had come out with her own collection of art in deviantArt. I’ve been hearing about deviantart dari dulu tapi tak terase macam menarik to come out with my own but basically, her’s is actually like the project that I’ve been working on. But needless to say that her photos are waaaaay much better than mine [at least she once joined the photography club and I’m sure she learnt some of the skills then while I started everything on my own from scratch!] so please don’t compare. You can but I know you must have lots of things to comment on mine. Well, please do if you wish but I’m not expecting much anyhow. The highness of clicking the shutter is enough at least to me. Most of her photos were edited by photoshop but mine was edited by ONLY Picasa and the results are of course different. So I was planning to change a bit on my project which of course, edit my pictures with Photoshop tapi kalau nak tunggu siap memang lama ar. Dah la skill cam siot. But anyway, this is one tenth of everything. Hah.. I need to re-edit the pictures. Click the image to go to the site.

Anyway, just now I drove the new car. Ohhooooo sungguh menarik sekali! Definitely lagi power dari Sentra but of course the beemer lagi best. I was on my way back from Hosp Serdang sebab hantar along ima balik and tiba2 seekor kancil dengan yakinnye memotong kereta2 lain and baru aku perasan yang aku tak bleh tengok kalo kereta kecil seperti CLK nak potong2 kereta lain. Tak tahu apesal… menyampah meluat sume ade. Bukan la nak eksyen tetapi.. oh mengapa? Kalau modified punye kereta aku bleh paham tapi.. oh, sungguh saye tidak faham. Maka saye pun 'mencuba2' dan akhirnye encik CLK tewas juge. Hoho *bahagia* syok gak ar dah lame tak racing :) Nak kene tunggu afar dapat die punye Waja berenjin Turbo dulu. Huhu..

So it's almost 4.. This is the standard time I go to bed during holiday. Kadang2 kalau 'study' photography tak tido langsung pun pernah. Heh.. But all in all, I've got to get LOADS OF THINGS done during this holiday so I shall start plan things out. Fuh~

The Phatos of Falling For Someone You Could Never Be With

It all started very strangely. How I met him, how I knew him, it was all because of my beliefs in fate. This guy, he has always been a burden to my mind. Sometimes, I see him as the biggest ‘ujian’ Allah has given to me. A sense of regret of knowing him surfaces every now and then but come to think of it, he had made a vast difference in my history of life.

It was him who taught me to be more ‘grown-up’ than I was before. It was him who had shaped me into someone I’ve never thought of being. It was him who moulded me into someone who is brave enough to pretend and lie to herself. It was him who made me believe in the concept of ‘love’.

After two semesters I lived in the bane of being uncertain, I thought it was time to set the wheels on motion when he’s gone to the furthest place I’d never want to know. But little I know how Allah has the control over everything. The guy is actually very near-at-hand which is the most startling situation I have never thought of. And I just hate to know that I somehow have not gotten rid of him entirely yet, like what I should have done a little bit earlier. I keep on hearing his name being said and I keep on seeing him in my mind. AND I REALLY HATE THAT.

I have had enough. I know I’m sick but what else can I do? It was all planned at God’s whim and I by no means would ever resent it because I know His plans are always the best no matter what. But I really want things to be over. I want to get out of the way and let other people replace my role and let them feel how suffering it was to be in that position.

I just need to see him as a complete stranger, then I won’t be feeling it again like what I had undergone before. Perhaps I’m just making things more complicated or maybe I’m overreacting or maybe I’m just too ego to accept everything. Or perhaps it’s just plain simple that I make a big deal of it. Or maybe.. It’s just ME WHO ARE MAD AND UNWISE <-- I think this is more likely. Ha ha ha..

I don’t care where I’m standing on right now.. I just don’t know him anymore. Even though deep down inside, I know that I will NEVER FORGET HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. *yakin je*

Mixed up

FIRST THING:

M@x finally accepted it!!
SHOOOTT~
It was just about the right time to put everything in thrash..
Now, this?? What is up with that??
No.. I won't let myself attempt a second mistake..
Or I'm regretting it for the rest of my life..

SECOND THING:

The Chapman actually did something that I've never expected..
Now I got the whole picture..
I should get out of the way..
All the same, the princess is weeping inside..
I could do nothing..
I wish I could help her heal the pain..

THIRD THING:

I'm just soo stupid to blog this up.
I really am not in the mood for anything..
I wanna go home!!
And to Pak Kojer, thanx for lifting me up from the nuisance..

I guess you got your remembrance, whether it is good or bad.
I bet you never thought it would leave me all alone and sad.
Or do you care? Because you're in a better place,
and the tragedy of your loss, I guess I'll have to face.

I don't know..

Before you read any further, try to read this. You might want to get deep down and imagine yourself experiencing what I am facing now. I don’t know how to say this. I mean, at some point, the credulity is just SO overwhelming such that I’m not sure of how I’m supposed to feel. Should I be happy for the gift? Or maybe the word ‘gift’ is not the right expression? Or should I be scared of what is waiting ahead?

I think I know why I’m running into all these things. Just like what thirah had told me once before, “Maybe you are too in contact with your feelings and minds.” I can tell that what she said was right.

You know what.. I really believe in all these so-called ‘karmas’. Even in Islam, there has never been the word 'coincidence'. Everything happens with a reason. Sounds cliché but it is so damn true that once it incurs, it might drive you nuts. Let me tell you one example.

When I was working on my UCAS form and having severe headache on which university to apply to, I somehow listed Notts out of the roll, simply without any reason. Maybe sebab angah aya kat situ dulu so cam x syok ar nak pegi tempat yg pernah pegi. Heh.. And I really really did not have even the slightest intention to go to Notts. Initially, I wasn’t really fond of going to Newcastle jugak sebab Newcastle penah reject Lupi dulu so agak tak sedap hati la but just because my college has a quite good relationship with them, aku apply jugak la. When my counselor announced the number of applicants of each university, Newcastle was apparently quite outnumbered. So, she advised us to change our choice if possible. I accepted that as a sign so I did change to other university. I don’t know why but out of 21 universities left, I chose Notts. I JUST DON’T KNOW WHY.

But somehow… just somehow.. I knew something weird would definitely come into line. And then, things started to play their roles. Few weeks after they received our forms, we were asked to do some questionnaires on their website. And untuk menjadikkan cerita, I was THE LAST PERSON to do the questionnaires AT THE VERY LAST DAY. Aku pun tak tahu macam mana budak lain dah dapat surat and dah buat that questionnaire and aku tak tahu satu habuk pun pasal questionnaire tu. Perhaps I wasn’t aware enough but… blergghh!~ Why? Rase nak mati jugak ar hari tu. Haha.. Cuak tak bleh blar!! So sekarang, tawakkal je la. But just to let you know that I’m actually waiting for something peculiar to appear. Be it a rejection or any other form of strangeness, I’d accept everything with an open heart.

That is one example la.

Dulu, when my dreams often become true, I used to tell few of friends about them. Orang cakap, benda2 macam ni, kalau berlaku kat kita, jangan cerita kat orang sebab nanti kelebihan tu hilang. But I was sorely jakun that I couldn’t keep them to myself. And tak kisah sangat pun kalau kelebihan tu hilang. It's better to know nothing than knowing that something bad will happen. And indeed, those things didn’t happen again after that. Now, it has been almost one year since I last had my weird visions. And I didn’t expect it to turn out again.

Until last night…

Mum went to Indonesia for a seminar last Tuesday. And she just got back last night. I remembered one incident in which a friend of Mum’s passed away after he got back from Indonesia. He had a severe diarrhea and he suffered a substantial lost of water. The worst part is, aku dapat rasa yang Mum tak sihat sangat. Aku tanak pikir bende2 merepek but I just couldn’t help myself. I told myself, “Ntah2..” and I prayed hard that nothing bad would happen. I wanted to call Mum last night but takut kacau Mum penat baru balik, I waited until today.

So I called Anid just now, asking her how Mum was doing.. And just like what I had in mind the day before, she told me the last thing I wanted to hear.

“Aku dalam kereta dengan Dad. Baru ambik Mum from hospital. She was warded last night right after she got home. She had a diarrhea..”

I WAS CLUELESS. I didn’t know what to say.

“Tapi Mum dah ok dah sekarang. Ko nak cakap dengan Mum?”

When I heard her voice, I just felt like crying. And I did…

The Words of The Truth

I’ve been feeling this edgy aura between this one fella and me in these few weeks. After going through three semesters as a friend, as a collegemate, I decided to stop pretending and free myself from the farce. But at the same time, I didn’t want to hurt this fella’s feeling so I did everything surreptitiously in hoping that this fella wouldn’t realize. But so wrong I was, my instincts told me that this fella actually felt the same thing and that really let me down because I sincerely didn’t want to bring up the apprehension. And today, this fella finally proved my instincts right.

“All this while, I’ve been pretending to enjoy the moments we spent together as friends. It was all just a charade because I didn’t be myself when I’m with you. I’ve never seen myself as a buddy to you because I couldn’t and that is because you are my strongest rival in EACH AND EVERY SINGLE THING. You made me suffer from inferiority and that what made me lost to my ego. I didn’t see myself happy and fun because all I had in mind was how to be someone better than you or at least as great as you. But everything was in vain. I could never be someone like you because I am who I am. To me, the ambience around us was full with seriousness and not sincerity. It was not you that cause all these fakeness but it was ME. It was just me and myself. As I don’t like somebody to force me to change myself and being someone who I am not, so do I hate to change people for me because I think that is ridiculous. I feel guilty to you and also to myself and I’ve been trying so hard to correct my weaknesses and accept whatever comes along but I the ‘chemistry’ is still out of my sight. But don’t get me wrong; you have been a very great friend one could ever asked for and it was just me who am appalling and I am really a bad friend. I’m so sorry to let you down but please know that it was not my intention to hurt you in any way.”

Much to my disappointment, I didn’t tell this fella the truth because I didn’t have the guts to make this fella disheartened. Every thought was only in my mind and I didn’t feel glad to speak everything out. Call me coward, backstabber or whatever; I did everything with my own personal reasons.

The Harmonic and The Dinner

Hari ni sangat best. My tutor, Mrs B and Mr B brought us, one whole tutorial to the MP0 to watch the Chamber Concert. The performance was magnificent as ever. I just like to see the way they swing their hands and the movement of their gestures that create the peaceful and soothing melodies. I was once dreaming to play one of the instruments then but yea, my family is not artistic and musical kind of one. And I’m not as passionate in music as I am in photography so I just could stand the infatuation. But it feels so great to listen to the music though. It really took my breath away. One thing that I wish though is to make an occasional visit once in a while after this. Perhaps bringing along someone special would promote a better ambience. Heh.. No, Mum and Dad are not really fond of things like this. They don’t really know how to appreciate music. Heh.. Rasanya dalam family aku sorang je kot yang terpesong ke arah artistik ni. Huhu.. Photography, instrumental music and writing [as in blogging..], Dina sorang je yang semangat. Heh.. But I don’t care as long as I’m happy with it.

Anyway, after pacifying our ears with relaxing tune, we did our prayers and then we went for our dinner in Manhattan Fish Market. When it comes to eating, the best part is when you have nothing to pay yet you’re able to devour superb and ‘kaw-kaw’ food!! Yep, everything was Mrs. B's treat. Hehe.. bahagia betul. The total she needed to pay was around 400+ kot and we surely had a great time eating up all those makanan yang sangat sedap. Heh.. And me alone was happy to play around with my Olympus.

Talking about camera, I saw this one super cool canon [err.. of course la beribu ribu. Heh..]. Calculating my future financial state, I’m not sure when I could get one for myself. Heh.. I thought most of the professionals prefer Nikon to Canon but according to what Momad said, Canon is for loaded professionals who really have nothing else to devote their money to. Heh.. Nikon murah sikit la. The basic price for Canon DSLR is around 20,000 ke 60,000 macam tu la. That one is for the real gempak one la. But as for Nikon, 12,000 or maybe less will do. Hoho.. I’m going to be a doctor after all [insyaAllah] and not a professional photographer so it’s ok la. As long as I know how to edit pictures and it gives me satisfaction, that’s more than enough. Baik kumpul duit for kawen. Haha..

Anyhow, all in all, we really had a nice moment today :)

The deceptive hatred

Back then.. I used to hate this one guy. Everything started on when he scolded me like mad over stupid things and cursed dirty words like a sleazy jerk. I cried and I swore to myself that no matter what, I’d HATE him for the rest of my life.

But a few days after that, he made a contrite apology. I accepted his admission of guilt and we became friends. Very close friends. He would ALWAYS and ALWAYS be there when I felt depressed and unhappy. His lame and annoying jokes were what cheered me up like a Christmas tree [not that I celebrate Christmas. Well, you get what I mean..]. He was m@x’s classmate and even though he knew that I didn’t care much about m@x, he had never failed to talk good things about him. He was one of my guy friends whom Mum felt comfortable for me to befriend, then [Mum pernah marah m@x. Hoho padan muke..]. He always told me about his girlfriend, how they had running-ins and said sorry to each other when all was said and done. Albeit it was because of him that I broke up with m@x, I didn’t feel sorry for a friendship that I’ve been glad about for as long as I could imagine.

Time goes by.. Things have changed and so have he and I.. The last time I talked to him was when he had to go to somewhere else for his studies. Since then, we lost contact with each other.

Up till now, even when we had been at a distance since years ago, I’d always call him to mind once in a while because to me, he was special in his own way. Now, I knew he wouldn’t even remember who ‘d-e-y-n-a’ is [he was the one who initiated the name..] but every time I committed him to memory, I’d really appreciate all those reminiscences I have in mind.

I’ve tried for years to get rid of @litt from my thought but that doesn’t seem possible to me. Now, I’ve learnt that, no matter how much I disgust the guy, I couldn’t loathe him with all my heart. And no matter how much the guy get on my nerves, I’d forgive him in any way I could.

camino on flickr!

Because I’m afraid, the odium would wind up as something else that I’M NOT PLEASED TO BELIEVE..

It's not a decision..

All this while, I’ve always felt that time runs so fast that it would never stop even for a blink of an eye to wait for me and I’d never get the chance to overtake it. But somehow, these few days, I feel like it doesn’t go like it has always been. It somewhat stops for a while. Over-imagined? Well, maybe.

I don’t know what to blog about actually. I’m just done with my IELTS. 19 of us didn’t do it in college but we went to IDP Subang instead. Personally, I think it was ok. Ok doesn’t mean excellent. People always think that ‘ok’ means ‘Oh! It was brilliant! I’m surely gonna get a band 9!’. Not that easy but kinda satisfying. Perhaps, it was one of the best exams I’ve ever done. It’s just the service that ticked me off tp besabar je la. The rest was ok.

And currently, I’m working on my photography project. It’s kind of a self-styled mission. As usual, just for the sake of fulfilling my lust in taking pictures. I know I wouldn’t come out with something like 4associate’s but I try hard to reward myself with something gratifying. It’s basically about bringing my own shots into being via Simpleviewer. The photos that I myself shoot are not as brilliant as those in flickr, of course! But I think by doing this, I’m moving one step further and getting closer to my sideline. I know I still have a long way to go and I’ve got millions of things to learn but I need to keep motivate myself so that I won’t quit in the middle of the pursuit and leave my dream unfulfilled. The charge is still in progress and it might be done in two weeks’ time, when I’m back home for my semester break sebab kat kolej, ade problem with the internet connection so I couldn’t get connected to the FTP site. And by the way, the pictures are all not edited by photoshop tapi gune Picasa. Photoshop masih merangkak ar. Huhu.. Masih belum bersedia. I need to increase my laptop punye RAM dulu baru boleh start dengan jayanya. Picasa pun not bad la.. But anyway, untuk memuaskan hati diri sendiri, I post up these 3 pictures. I think the most right one is the best shot I’ve ever taken. Sampai sekarang aku taktahu sape perempuan yg tgh diri tu. Hehe.. but that was during my ec0trip in Teluk Rubiah. The pondok and the pokok kelapa = PERFECTO! [Haha tak malu puji diri sendiri ;p]

Anyway, KMB people are coming tomorrow for several friendly matches. As usual [ehem! ;)], I'm in the basketball team. Hopefully we can beat them off! :)

And one more thing. I think... I think I'm in love :) Hah.. selalu cakap orang. Bila diri sendiri kena baru tahu!

Dina!! Don't let it be!

. . . THAT CAN BE MADE BY THINKING. . .

The Twilight

It’s time to be a tad open and little bit honest.

Y@y@ and !jun had finally chanced upon my blog. [Hello hello :) Welcome *sambil buat muke comel ;p*] I somehow knew they would come across this sooner or later but never thought this soon. Tapi tak kesah pun. Diorang telah pun memahami dan melihat perangai Dina yang luar biasa. Huhu.. But still, segan jugak senornye. Habes la kantoi banyak rahsia negara ;p As for now, my college mates who know about this are: s@rah, p@m, y@y@, !jun, !zz@ldeen and probably @c@p poyo. Hoho.. cukup la tu.

And what embarrassed me most is, she finally clicked on the link to my blog!! And she even replied to what sya said!! Shite!~ I feel like shooting myself in the head! My target was actually m@x but it turned out to be otherwise. Silap besar betul... I just hope she didn’t go through every entry kalau tak memang kantoi besar seperti yang telah dialami dulu dgn @ini si awek Lupi. Oh tidakkkk.. Malunya saya!! I told anid about this and as usual, “tu laa.. padan muke! Tak serik2!”. Aduhaiii..

But anyway, I got a private call this afternoon. The first call was a bit mysterious because nobody was actually on the other end of the line. A few seconds after that, my phone vibrated again. As I answered the call, I heard someone’s voice. Hoh.. izy rupenye. Ceyh~ Baru ingatkan prince charming from the Neverland ke. It was a private number because she was calling from the PC. But she’d got me good news though :) We’re planning to go to Langkawi this semester break and she was browsing through Air Asia’s ticket then so she just wanted to ask my opinion. Ticket murah!! So might as well book the ticket tp xsure la ape yang izy buat akhirnye. Heh.. “Dina, kalau 5 jan pegi penang (rumah nazi, nak jumpe adik kecik die!), then from there, 7 jan amik feri pegi Langkawi. Nak? Then dlm 10 jan balik kl. Nak tak? Mie and Syira mcm ok je. Effy xdpt contact die lagi. Tirah start class 4 jan. Dak2 uitm lain pun most probably start early jan jugak. Dak2 kmb start 8 jan..” Hoho dak2 kyu3m start 15 jan *big grin* Wah seronoknye saye!! Rindu cikgu wahida la :) Pak yus, Ustad rom, Pak Hassan and the geng. Miss the good old days :)

Abg Amir ada tanya, bila nak beli DSLR. Terharu la jugak because he wouldn’t ask that if he didn’t know how passionate I am towards photography, would he? Well, I’m still saving. Lagipun, my Olympus is still doing fine although it’s not really top-notch, at least I’m still at the stage of learning. Anyhow, here are some pictures that I shot the other day. It was almost Maghrib and I liked the colour of the sky. I added some tuning to it that the bottom part look a little bit dark. They might not be excellent but I’m kinda satisfied with how they end up. Anyway, it's almost 12. It's fiqah's birthday. Happy 19th Birthday, dear :)

“I thumbed through the tome. The channel, the nick, the e-mails, the Venice walk, the present, the card, the wedding, the songs, the poems, the magic words.. Everything was clearly printed without any slight of fading. I’m not sure when would I drain it away and train myself to understand the meaning of acceptance but 5 years seem not enough. I’ve tried every .s.i.n.g.l.e. thing but probably luck is not on my side. I should have perceived all those signs a little bit earlier at least not up to this point when everything is too late. I shouldn’t have talked to acap. I shouldn’t have met you and put everything back into pieces for the second time like nothing bad had happened. I shouldn’t have messaged kak n@em. I shouldn’t have linked my blog. I shouldn’t have found your name and hers on the net. I should have erased everything from the book. I should have let the reality walk on its pace. But I’m too obstinate to understand. Sometimes I asked myself, “Is it so hard to realize the certainty?” but I myself couldn’t get the answer. After years of being in search of the truth, I only comprehended one thing. No matter how determined I am, no matter how tough the obstacles are, things would never be the same. Everything is predestined to fail because God wanted it to be so and He indeed has a better plan for us. I'm so sorry. Please tell her that.."

Seldom Looked Into

Having a full weekend at home is obviously not enough but at least the college knows how to be generous and called last Saturday off. And since I don’t have class tomorrow until 2, I’m going back to college tomorrow morning *smirk*.

Too many events cropped up within two days.

• Met w@ni, tik@h and n@ni as they were escaping from that so-called jogathon in kmb. Had breakfast at tik@h’s and then browsed around at alamanda. I bought one nice blouse and since y@y@’s birthday is around the corner, I might as well bought her birthday present.
  
• Went to Sri Kembangan with Mum, Dad and icah to meet our new family member, Honda Civic. Well, actually, Mum and Dad are expecting a v6-engined merce to arrive from UK, probably in two weeks’ time so that’s why we have to let my sweetheart, the beemer go. I’ve persuaded Mum to not vend the beemer but Mum said it’s time for him to leave. So, that’s why I’m a bit put off by that. But I’ve accepted it so Mum wants to trade in the beemer and buy a new civic. Later on, the Sentra has to be sold as well but I’m not sure when. Probably when the merce arrives.
• Went to Ijat’s open house and met my childhood friends. Lame gile tak jumpa diorang so agak penat la beborak and bertangkap2 gambar. And coincidentally, N@fidz the Mr. N and ummu| were there too. I’ve known Mr. N since I was 4. We went to the same elementary school and he was my classmate until we were 12. Then I had to move to maahad so I know this guy pretty well la. He used to be very the nakal one and annoying and poyo and tahpape jugak ar but since Ummu| showed up, he’s changed a lot. These two fella, they’ve been together since 3 or 4 years ago. Everything started off quite strangely [the girl hated the boy and the boy was dared to tackle the girl, had some falling-outs yada yada yada..] but to cut story short, they’re still together now and making quite a lot of money from their business. I’m not sure what kind of business but they’ve bought a car with the money they earned. Quite interesting though..
• Uncle Azmi and family dropped by. Gumbire la juge to see them back. They were one of our neighbors in Cheetham Hill back then in Mcr so we’re quite close up till now. The kids have grown up. @n@s and Uj@i dah jadik hemsem boy skrg. Hehe..
  
• Along Ima just got back from Hong Kong for a medical conference. Abg Amir just got back from Singapore for his new job training. In conclusion, I got some cool souvenirs. Hehe.. And not to forget, met my little nephew and nieces :)

And much to my surprise, I met Dr. m@x. After years and years of searching him, he had finally appeared in my sight. But what upset me is, it was in a place where I’ve got no control over. It was just a dream..

A great photograph is a full expression of what one feels about what is being photographed in the deepest sense, and is, thereby, a true expression of what one feels about life in its entirety. ~Ansel Adams

Oh nooo..

He’s going to leave me. My sweetheart is saying goodbye!

I never thought he’d go this soon.

I thought I’d have more time to spend my time with him.

I don’t know what I’ve done to him that makes him chose this decision.

I know he loves me as much as I do.

He knows how much I care for him all this while.

We both know how loyal and faithful we are towards each other.

4 beautiful years of being together, I’ve never thought things would be this way.

But fate breaks us apart.

Mum said one day, one sweet day, the void will be replaced by someone else.

I don’t know if that will ever happen.

Whatever it is, he’s the best thing ever happened to me.

Goodbye, sweetheart :( I’ll always be missing you..

It is the eagerness of the engine,
How it positively begs to be driven hard,
The way it revels in bouncing off the red line,
The sound the motor makes,
The way the steering talks to me,
The responsiveness of all the controls,
The balance and poise of the car,
The grip through the twisties,
Everything about him never puts me off,
He has never let me down..

Iris

"I couldn't fix him. I did everything right... and I couldn't fix him. That's not supposed to happen. And I..."
"You cried."
"Yeah."
"Why do people cry?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, what happens physically?"
"Tear ducts operate on a normal basis to lubricate and protect the eye. When you have an emotion, they overact and create tears."
"Why? Why do they overact?"
"I don't know."
"Maybe emotion becomes so intense...your body just can't contain it. Your mind and your feelings become too powerful. Your body weeps."

----------xxxxxxxxxx----------

"What are you doing here?"
"I was on my way up to x-ray...and I thought I'd stop in and just...hide."
"From what?"
"My patient's wife. She wants me to tell her that her husband is going to be okay... and that I have every confidence...and I don't. After all this time, and after all this work... I suddenly have this feeling that...none of this is in my hands. Nothing. And if it isn't...what do I do with that?"

----------xxxxxxxxxx----------

"Excuse me. Are you a visitor?"
"Yes."
"Visiting hours have been over since 10."
"Why do they have that?"
"What?"
"Hours. Doesn't it help the patient to be visited?"
"Who are you visiting, Mr. Messanger?"
"Right now? You."
"I don't need a visitor."
"You're not ill?"
"No. I'm one of the doctors here."
"Are you in despair?"
"I lost a patient."
"You did everything you could?"
"I was holding his heart in my hand when he died."
"Then he wasn't alone."
"Yes, he was."
"People die."
"Not on my table."
"People die when their bodies give out."
"It's my job to keep their bodies from giving out. Or what am I doing here?"
"It wasn't your fault."
"I wanted him to live."
"He is living. Just not the way you think."
"I don't believe in that."
"Some things are true whether you believe in them or not."

I dont want the world to see me,
Cause I dont think that they'd understand,
When everything's meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

A tapestry of events

The silence is overwhelming. I've been feeling a bit dizzy since this afternoon, after my econs paper and I tried in vain to get my eyes closed. So I'm sitting here now, trying to search some thoughts in mind to be put in words. I feel like writing something but my head is too reeling to behave properly. Talking about my exam, I'm gladly announce that it's finally over! Can feel a bit of relief there but still, I'm hoping for the results to turn out good.

I watched 'Serendipity' just now. It's quite a nice story though a bit..how do I put this.. whimsical? It's basically about believing in fate and everything is predestined to its proper course. It's not that I don't believe in fate [apakah??] but it's just this kind of movies that I don't believe in. Well, of course it's just for the sake of killing time and getting out of sheer boredom but I don't watch movies without gaining anyting from them. How ever stupid the message is or how arid the storyline is, I know there must be a cannonball behind it. But let's not get it too technical, I enjoyed watching it. And since I don't have class tomorrow for the whole day, there are three more to go!! Hah.. talking about time-killer ;p

And I'm currently winding up a novel, My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult. A very nice one. It's about a girl, Anna who was born through IVF with specifically designated genes and traits to help her sister, Kate who had a leukaemia. When Kate was diagnosed with the disease, the parents tried to find the right donor for the bone-marrow transplant but it turned out to be that they went to the geneticist instead and get the right DNA for her unborn child, Anna in hoping that she would be the donor for Kate. Interestingly, when Anna was big enough to wonder what her life would be like if it weren't tied to her sister's, she actually sued her parents for the rights to her own body. Menarik la jugak citer ni but I haven't get the plot unravelled yet.

And.. hurmm.. what else? Oh ya, just like 0z said 'Sekarang bleh bakar buku econs!'. Haha.. but I'm not that bad to bakar buku econs la kan but I'm sure gonna completely put it aside :) It's been a good 2 sem course with mr c0nque$t and somehow, I'm kinda miss his class. Heh.. And by the way, I received one unexpected message from @zmir, my former housecapt. wishing me luck for my exam. Teharu ar gak. Huhu..

"..Sadly, the protracted search ended yesterday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Dina secretly clung to the belief...that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather it's a tapestry of events...that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Ultimately, Dina concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum" and what we currently refer to as destiny.."

“…you knew, these would always be a spring, as you knew the Seine would flow again after it was frozen. When the cold rains kept on and killed the spring it was as though a young person had died for no reason..”

Harking back to the past

"Nak cd tu tak?"
"Nak.. tapi orang tengah bekerja buat b@ng$aw@n ni. Bila nak bagi?"
"Esok jumpa kejap time break bleh? Dekat notice board.."
"Ok boleh.. tp orang lambat sket tau sbb ada hal"
"Okeh no problem.. Segala instruction ada dalam cd tu sekali. Yang crack tu, kalau tak faham tanya."
"Crack tu apa?"
"Hmm.. panjang la nak cite. Takpe2, ikut je apa yang ada dlm tu"
"Oow.. ok. Thanx a lott.." *dalam hati: Lorr.. hampes!*
"You're welcome. Keje elok2 ok. Jumpa esok! :)"

I thought I've got rid of everything but for some unknown reasons, I knew I would never get it over.

Anyway, Happy Birthday, Abg Lan!~ Semoga dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki dan ditetapkan iman. May Allah holds you in the hollow of His hand. Allah bless :)

When it comes to the surface

Interviewer: You have written on your UC@S application that you are interested in how the human body works. Which system particularly interests you?
Interviewee: Um, the brain.
Interviewer: Tell us how the brain works.
Interviewee: Um, oh dear. I’m very sorry, I’ve forgotten.
Interviewer: (with pleasure as they spring the trap) Well, that’s a real pity because there are only two people in the world who know how the brain works. One is God and he won’t tell us and the other is you and you’ve forgotten. (Laughs all around at the interviewee’s expense.)

ME: (OUCH!! But..) Hahahaha.. *LOL* *ROTFL*

Before I start on anything, I just want to let myself know that I’ve already found the reasons behind the scene. Now I know the rationale beyond everything and I’m working my ass off to keep the momentum moving on the right pace. Thanx a lot, Abg Amir :)

Well, I’ve been thinking to write about this dari hari tu lagi but knowing that it’s not a good thing to discuss especially for me who am currently undergoing processes to get a place in a medical school, I keep the thought stay still idly in the brain. But yesterday, I stumbled upon one interesting entry. Actually the blogger is someone I’m closed to so it has made quite an impact on me. The blogger basically thought, much to her regret, that choosing medicine, as a career was somewhat a mistake. Well, believe it or not, a crazy thought on that actually had struck me just recently. I’m not saying that “Daym! I make a wrong decision!”. No, not at all!!! I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR! But you know, your mind can somehow goes nuts once in a blue moon especially when you have emotional imbalance and feel depress about silly things, like this.

I don’t want to have such feelings really but to be honest, I’ve seen and heard of it so many times that sometimes, it really puts me in contemplation! Being a doctor has ALWAYS and ALWAYS been my dream since I was a kid even though I had no idea how it’s going to be. Everything started with Mum. She wanted to be a doctor but she didn’t get the opportunity to be one at that time so she was hoping so much that all her kids would become a doctor one day. But with some unknown reasons, out of her seven kids, only Along Ima, Lupi and me inherit the trait from Mum. Heh..

And then, along the way, I heard lots of interesting stories from Along Ima. She did her A-level in Oxford right after she retrieved her spm results and furthered her studies in King’s for another 5 years. She has always been my idol and I always wanted to be like her. Everything about being a doctor seemed to be great and I just couldn’t wait to be one. But then, the excitement started to abate when she did her housemanship in the UH. The good things all turned into nightmares. Well, ade la some incidents [like when she wanted to appeal for Hosp. Serdang, the govt buat kerje cam *toot* and menyakitkan hati] that made her cry and you know, in a way made her feel remorseful. Everything happened right in front of my eyes but yet again, I still want to keep on with my ambition and thank Allah, I’m just on the right track now.

And now, the same thing happened to the blogger and she thought that being something else is much stress-releasing than being a doctor. Well, I’m not quite convinced with that because I believe all professional jobs are just as nerve-racking but in a way what she said is true. The blogger is so lucky to have an understanding husband who knows how a doctor has to be in duty almost every hour and day. Talking about having a family, it’s not easy for a female doctor to get everything through because she needs to look after tones of things at home, especially if she has small kids. And if she’s unlucky enough to get married to someone who doesn’t have a slightest idea on how a doctor and a mother has to be, she’ll die an unusual death because of the constant pressure and traumatic difficulties [eg: nak carik maid, nak make sure her babies are well-fed, dengan frequent call from the hospital lagi, and kalo duk jauh from the hosp nak kene berhadapan dengan traffic jam lagi and the list goes on]. I’ve seen so many examples of living a life as a doctor and potential predicaments alongside but never they have made me feel regret for being on the line.

The thing is, I have other dreams to achieve, not only being a doctor. I want to have a nice family, I want to have a good place to work in, a proper house for my kids, **[a cool digital single-lens reflex camera to snap photos of my kids. Hehehe..], not only helping and curing endless casuals in the hospitals. My intention to help the unfortunate people is sorely noble and I’ll devote everything for it because that is want I’ve been dreaming of and I’ll do it ‘Lillahi Ta’alaa’. BUT SOMETIMES.. Just at times, when I look around and see at my other counterparts in this college, I wonder if I’ve got what it takes to be a really GOOD doctor. I mean, they are great people and just the right ones to be a good doctor. Some of them are ambitious enough to join the MERCY stuff and all. It’s good to have such dreams but like what the blogger said to me the other day “Dulu time tengah belajar memang la semangat nak join Mercy la, nak pegi africa tolong orang2 kat sane la. Tapi.. Haha.. Housemanship pun rase cam dah nak mati dah. Hahah..”. I’m not quite like them. I don’t really read New Scientist, Student BMJ and that kind of things. And according to some people, if you don’t read those types of materials, you actually don’t really have the interest in medicine. To me that is an unfair statement to make but yea, some people do believe in that. I’d rather waste my time on photography stuff than medical stuff sampai kadang2 rase “Jadik photographer pun best gak pe. Bleh travel all around the world and dapat duit banyak jugak pe..” and that sort of thinking. Ntahlaa.. Maybe I’m too stressful dengan my other rivals kat kolej kot sampai rase macam “Wah tensyen nye saye!! Adekah saye ingin menjadi seperti mereka?”. Or maybe.. it’s just me yang over reacting. Haha.. Or maybe sebab budak course lain dah dapat conditional offer from UCL la, from IC la, from Birm la and that in a way stresses me out. Huhu.. But don’t get me wrong. This competitive environment is actually good for me to develop myself. So, bersyukur jugak la to be here.

But aaaanyyywaayy.. Every cloud has a silver lining. Mum always says, “Biasa laa nak jadik doctor memang la teruk. Belajar teruk, housemanship teruk. Tapi lepas2 tu, ok la..” and yep, she’s right. My auntie now is an anesthetist and kerja dia sangat best. And what makes things better is her husband is a doctor jugak. Huhu.. But that doesn’t matter la. My other uncle pun dah berjaya dengan gempaknye [and kebetulan, isteri die doctor jugak. Haih..] and encik ray [Along Ima’s friend in King’s] dah jadik specialist jugak. And his wife is not a doctor. Huhu.. And Dr. Kas and his wife, Dr. Hani siap buat business satey kat Manchester lagi. Haha.. You know what, sometimes, what makes it worse or not is the environment. Like encik ray, he did his masters and all the MRCPs in the UK and apparently, the housemanship in the UK are not as stressful as that in Malaysia. But we don’t know what’s waiting ahead kan so all I can do is just plan, pray hard and get my finger out!! And the good part of all, Along Ima is now doing fine in Hosp Serdang and she’s in her way pursuing her masters in ENT. Hey, it’s not that bad laa actually ;P And I want to be like izy and Dr. m@x too :)

I think I’m just a little bit demotivated. That’s all. And that’s normal. So what I really need to do now is ‘berehat’. Hehe.. No la, I need to study econs. Aduhaiiiii.. And I need to talk to Mum. I miss home *sob2*

The bottom line is: Whatever you do in life, whoever you end up as at the end of the day, whichever job you choose, do it kerana Allah Taala. And He indeed knows what is best for us. And always look things on the positive side :)

**I came across her site and I was AMAZED!! I was gaping in awe when I fell upon this pic. And I thought “Wow.. Sarah is a real pro!”. And the kids = GORGEOUS! Anid said, “Dina.. aku akan respect ko kalo ko jadik cam die”. Well, I hope I can be like her one day. Hah, what a wishful thinking =)

WP! I'm on my way..

In materializing s@r@h’s wish, I’ve changed my template into the normal one. Letih la tukar2 template ni. Heh..

Anyways, I have actually started working on a few stuffs regarding my intention to move into the Wordpress and my sifu has just emailed me the link. Having a look at it, I’m sure it’s going to take days to get it perfectly done. Or maybe it would even take weeks for people like me. Heh.. To quote what mrfyre said, “WordPress converts appear to be coming out in droves, lately.” Oh well.. I’m sure not going to miss the boat!

Actually, I hardly loosen my grip on this. I’ve spent [or rather, wasted] hours on this stuff sampai y@y@ pun tanye “Ko asyik duk depan kom je, ko buat ape..?”. “Ade la kerje sket”. Ceyh! Bajet gile.. but after I called Mum yesterday to inform her about my internal exams results, she just got the power to make me let this go, at least for a while. If I keep on concentrating on this, I’d definitely flunk my AS exam!! And that doesn’t make things any better. Heh.. So, I really need to get this on hold for a few days and get engaged on econs stuff instead *big sweat*. After I’m done with my exam, I’ll let things to kick off!

Anyhow, striking the right note, somebody has finally given me a hint!!! Remember the neurotic with his stupid google search?? I’ve thought so it was him! Well, he didn’t literally say that it was him but the way he say “Dina..aku tau ko suke sape” with his confident face and gesture, I knew he was the one. I don’t care a toss if he really does know about sesape je la that he meant but the fact that he’s been in silence for months and I at the other hand have been anxious guessing for the right person, looking over my shoulder like hell, it actually ticked me off. Naseb baek aku geti control so konon2 mcm tak heran la padahal dlm hati “CISS!~ KAU RUPENYE!! AKU DAH AGAK DAH!!”. It’s ok.. Takpe.. Ada ubi ada batas.. We’ll wait after I’ve moved into WordPress, you won’t get that chance again. Hah!

So before I drag on, I’d better get my economics brain into work. FOCUS DINA! FOCUS! Till then.. Have a good weekend!

[note to the neurotic!: takpe takpe.. Aku kan penyabar. Ko kan pelakon terhebat di pasaran. Ko kan co-director bangsawan. Ko kan **** the great. We’ll wait n see!]

Of being slothful

Oh my.. I hate myself.

You know what is one of my weaknesses? I am succumbing to what I have been designed to become which is a time waster and also a super lazy person. Come on, shoot me!!

Just now I only had two classes until break time [which is around 1040am] and my next class would be at 245 this afternoon so I went to the café and bought some food sebab malas nak pegi dh for lunch and I went straight to my chalet. I should have reminded myself to not go back to my chalet because I knew I wouldn’t do what I was supposed to do which is do my revision for my exam!! But the thought of ‘Alaa aku study punye kat chalet’ was just a pie in the sky!! Now, I’ve been sitting here in front of this lousy and stupid laptop for hours ever since and doing nothing on my revision!! What did I get in the end? Well, at least I got this oh-well-it’s-ok-but-not-that-impressive template after centuries of finding one. And of course, I got nothing but an opened Islamic studies book [and also a stack of economics books] in front, waiting for me to thumb them through. Aduhai… malas gile ok. Rase nak tido. Haha..

Aaaannyywayy.. it’s November now! The nearest birthday is Abg Lan’s. And then we have Fiq@h’s, Sy@hid’s, H@nim’s, W@ni’s and Abg Din’s. Ok, happy birthday in advance, people!

So.. the suspected person has already made a ‘move’ and as for now, s/he has also been so kind to check up on me four times. I wonder what s/he’s been seeking in this blog but it’s ok. Let’s just wait until s/he becomes bored and nak temuntah with all my entries. And because of that [and also from what mirul said] I might want to move into Wordpress and become more professional in dealing with my blog. So that I can write just anything I want to write about. You know, avid blogger like me [and also mirul] is definitely going to need one. But for now, I need to concentrate on my exam first then I will start on something new and interesting. Haih.. penat betul main nyorok2 ni.

Anyhow, Mr. h@ns0n has taken over mr. Z@bed’s chem class to which I belong. His class was sangat menggumbirekan! Because we’re not going to have any class until next week as he’s focusing on AS candidates. *grins* ngehehe.. but he did give us some work though but that’s much preferable than going to class and learn new things that I haven’t engraved my mind on. But deep down, I do miss mr. z@bed’s class laa. Hope he’s enjoying himself in his new college.

Okiee then. Need to make a move. Have econs class jap lagi [nape aku suke update blog before econs class ek?] so nak take a nap jap. Tata..

Oh so sweet

"Why do you need to spend most of your time reading books?you read, you understand, you apply those things you've read. 30% reading, other 70% is for understanding and applying what you have read. Find a life. You will regret it when you are old enough to have a grandchildren. Learn for your own knowledge and not for exams. Read a lot of book and you will be stressed out. Then you will find yourself smoking cracks, valium(diazepam)....etc..."
Posted by: c4n01 | Sep 7, 2006 2:22:51 AM

Dear M@x.. Sometimes people do read because it's their vocation. They love reading books and they by no means would regret when they're old because they probably have too much knowledge to be kept in their heart and mind. Your statement 'Learn for your own knowledge and not for exams' sounds quite contradicting though. If they love reading, that's because they fond of gaining new knowledge and information, not because they like sitting for exams. Perhaps, what you say is only applicable to yourself. And I'm not blaming you whatsoever but try to bare in mind that people do have difference views on things and maybe you have your own reasons and your tough standings over what you have said but it would be better if you could potray your words in a better manner.

You know what, M@x? Sometimes, I do miss you like hell. Because I miss having all those stupid running-ins and falling-outs with you and feel sorry for each other at the end of the day. Please darl, help me bluff my way out of this nonsense. I love myself more than you. And by the way, you might want to change your nick and get a new one. You must have been seing 'one' I presume. Or maybe you love it so much?? Oh and I'm not regretting for being 'just me', and within your rights, you may decline my request. And I believe she's got beutiful and gorgeous cousins. I know you love them as much as she does. Don't forget the invitation card ok sweetheart? Take care :)