Boy, you're old :P

Today is a special day. Today is Nazme's 3rd birthday :)

Well, I have so many things to write actually but I just can't because I know I would end up crying hehe since this year would be the last year I can actually celebrate his birthday before several years to come. After this, I could only hear things about him from Mum and family. I could only talk to him through telephone and I could only see his face through pictures. I could no longer cubit nazme, cium die sampai die meluat, peluk die sampai die jerit, dengki die sampai nangis, main neopets and tengok happy tree friends. I could no longer take him for a walk kat alamanda, nyanyi lagu Bob the Builder sama-sama. I could no longer main lompat2 atas katil dengan nazme and main nyorok2 bawah duvet or see him sleeping calmly on my bed, cuddling his bottle so tightly. I could no longer play hide and seek with him, main chak2 and main kejar2. I'm sure going to miss him so badly :( I cannot imagine how I would face the day when I have to see him for the last time and being unsure if I could ever see him again. I don't know. Perhaps he's just so special to me.

You know who was the first person that I called masa Nazme lahir dulu? It was hafiz. I used to tell him that one day I want Nazme to call him Pak Apis. I used to tell hafiz that no matter what, Nazme would always be the first one in my life and he would be the second. He laughed and said "Oh I tak kisah because I want to be a very good uncle too". Hafiz anak tunggal so dia pun konon2nye sangat happy with Nazme's presence because he said, he would never have his own nephew. I once gadoh dengan hafiz sebab tak reply his messages and his calls for two days sebab penat jaga Nazme masa kecik2 dulu. Hafiz said, bila Nazme dah besar, dia nak ajar bawak bike aprilia dia tu. Memang gile. Mungkin dia agak tak waras masa tu. Huhu.. Tapi sayangnya, Nazme dah besar sekarang tapi hafiz pulak dah takde menghilang. Memang rugi. Haha.. Oh well..

Aku ingat lagi masa Nazme hilang kat alamanda dulu, memang aku rasa mcm nak bunuh diri. Tuhan je yang tahu perasaan aku masa tu. Jumpa2 je nazme tengah bergelak ketawa pulak ingat aku main nyorok2 ngan die. Memang bijak. Lepastu terus dah tak bawak jalan2 dah. Hehe..

Hmm.. there are so many things about him that would make me smile for the rest of the days. I just hope that when I was away, he would still have me in his heart. And no matter how far we are, he would always and always be the first one in my heart :)

Happy birthday, mie! Mak Na loves nazme :)

Beyond Words

I’m so exhausted. Tadi jalan2 kat area Jalan TAR n Jalan Masjid India, shopping dengan sarah siti ida n faezah. Sangat best n menarik. Maybe sebab dah lame x pegi area tu n dah lame x shopping dgn kawan2 kot. Oh and by the way, tadi jumpa Mak n adik2 Nafidz kat klcc!! Lama gile x jumpe. Nad, nel, shasha sume dah besar! Aunty la yang tegur dulu, x sangka diorang igt aku lagi. Terharu jugak la. Huhu.. Nafidz is my old friend since I was in Tadika Maria which was like 16years ago? And dulu aku penah ade affair dgn die mase darjah dua. Hakhak.. Tapi budak2 mmg la xtau pape kan. Huhu.. Tapi x sempat jumpe Nafidz, uncle, naqib n nabil. Mesti diorang dah besar. Seronok la jumpa diorang. Tak tahu pesal tp rindu jugak ar kenangan2 masa kanak2 ribena. Happy sangat jumpa diorang :)

Talking about feeling happy, I've finally found this one professional photographer conducting a photography class for beginners, Mr. Andy Lim. Aku bercita2 besar utk beli DSLR. My olympus sp350 akan dibuat hak milik bersama kat rumah so that icah n anid bleh la slalu gadoh nak gune camera. Hah hah.. And insyaAllah kalau dimurahkan rezeki nak pergi kelas Encik Andy. Aku pun x tau rm200 per session is expensive or not. The nearest session is sometime in april and one of the dates is 7th. Mule2 dah excited tapi lupe pulak ade ESQ training masa tu. InsyaAllah aku nak jadik ATS, kalau diberi peluang. Doakan aku berjaya merasai erti hidup pada memberi :) So, maybe aku akan pegi photograhy class after final exam kot. Ada cuti lebih kurang 3 bulan, bleh ar aku lepas gian. Huhu.. Tapi aku mungkin akan tanya pendapat para2 professional spt Nadya n the geng and encik nizam. Kalau diorang kata not worth it, mungkin aku akan suruh diorang je yg ajar. Hmm.. *menarik*. Oh and lagi satu berita kelakar, aku baru sign up friendster tanpa apa2 tujuan yang jelas. Mungkin aku akan delete balik account tu selepas kebosanan melanda.

Anyway, I’m not really in the mood to blog actually. But I wanted to share this lyric taken from the song ‘Beyond Words’ by Outlandish. Yes, I’m currently fascinating outlandish. Once you've listened to their songs, you won’t have time for others. And the lyrics are very inspiring. This coming april [which is on my birthday, 9th April], there will be an 'Evening of Inspiration' in The Royal Albert Hall. Outlandish and the geng [Zain Bikha, Dawud Wharnsby etc] will be performing. The ticket price range is from 18-22pounds. Kalau boleh spend duit untuk pergi holiday peri Germany and Europe, takkan tak mampu nak beli ticket ni kan? Mungkin encik avatarbroadband dan juga hamba Allah from Westfield College, London boleh consider utk pergi. Pastu boleh share dengan orang yg tak dpt pergi spt aku :) Anyway, hope we get something good out of it.

With my right foot first, I stepped into the holy mosque, Upon the cold white marble, Where day and night people sat worshippin’, praying, Right and left the mosque being cleaned, Shinin’ not a particle of dust, The carvings of marble, the plates of gold, The symmetry of the whole mosque, Yeah the largest of it all, The came the grandest of the whole, The big beautiful house of Allah, Covered with black cloth and gold leaf writin’, My life flashed passed me, the good and the bad, Such a feeling my brother, never ever felt I had, A special bondage to the almighty, A sudden chill in me, Lookin’ around the large floor was filled with unity, Circling the beautiful house, Chanting, people sitting, prayin’ for forgiveness, Prayin’ to do better I witnessed, Takin’ a deep breath, tears was runnin’, I ran around the black house, the ancient black house, Built by Ibrahim, peace be upon him, circlin’ 24 no doubt, I got closer, as did my heart, as did my soul, amazing, How everyone had their attention only on worshippin’, All concerns forgotten, focused on prayin’, Forgettin’ everything matters and happenings just giving, I looked up in the sky thanking Allah for this journey, Sayin’: I swear I didn’t schedule to be here this early, I thought I’d come here like pops in my forties and fifties, And the doe I paid for the ticket, was meant for some hobby, But who am I to say if I will be alive tomorrow, Or 20 years from now, will my health be able to follow, For a moment I pictured my self 6 feet deep, In the cemetery, my corps in the same white sheets, Allah holds the master plan and it’s already written, The pens are withdrawn, the pages are dry... it’s written!

Looking back on my life
Life that’s gladly been given to me
Open my eyes and embrace the smile
Given to you & I

Con mi mano derecha abro la puerta
Mi madre me recibe con un periódico y una carta
Veo fotos de mi padre abatido por disparos
De momentos ya yo espero
Que mis lágrimas caigan, me preparo
Me sorprende que mis ojos estén secos y mi alma esté calmada
En mi cuerpo no hay dolor por una persona ya olvidada

Translation:
[With my right hand I open the door
My mom welcomes me with a newspaper and a letter
I see pictures of my father fetched down by shots
In that moment I’m only waiting
For my tears to fall, I’m prepared
But to my surprise my eyes are dry and my soul is calm
In my whole body there’s no sign of grief for a forgotten person]

Staring outside, there was something I realized
Tomorrow the sun will rise, and together
Will see the beauty of eternity

Salgo a caminar y despejar mis pensamientos
Lo normal sería sufrimiento
O un parecido sentimiento
Le pido a Dios que lo amparé en sus últimos momentos

Translation:
[I go out, take a walk and clear my thoughts
The anticipated feeling would be suffering or something similar
I ask God to be merciful in the final hours]

Looking back on my life
No regret only the sweet journey
Lessons from the simple steps
Taking by you & I

With my right hand first, I open the door to the room where my woman gave birth, To my first born son, Only minutes before, I was in the waiting room, nervous, Moms giving me comfort, Family support, As I approached I could hear him crying, I didn’t notice, That my tears were running, Pictured myself for a moment in the arms of my father, Flashback to the bended shoulders, On which I’d sit, Grabbing his finger, Taking my first step, Would I become like him?, After a certain age bottle up, Stop showing love, But cold handshakes throughout the years, Replaced by hugs, Father whispered in his ears, The family was gathered, Pictures were taken, My hands still shaking, My joy was beyond words, Him in my arms, 3 generations of tears running so calm, He came with Gods blessing and grace so we named him Faizan.

If I worship YOU in fear of hell, burn me in it
And if I worship YOU in hope of paradise, exclude me from it
But if I worship YOU for YOUR own being
Don’t withhold from me YOUR everlasting beauty

Wallahu’alam

My fault

I thought I was strong enough to deal with whatever I feel inside. I thought the new spirit was able to make me perceive the truth that surrounds me. I thought my mind was tough enough to finally accept a certainty that I’ve been looking for. But regrettably, my thoughts were not reliable enough.

I used to love this one guy soo much as in he used to be one of those whom I always think about day and night. I still remember the moment he had to go somewhere far and had to leave me for 6 years alone, I cried day and night, thinking about how my life would be without his presence beside. He used to be the one who always teased me, laughed with me over my stupid jokes, and spent our time together. But since he went away, we were not like we used to be. Until he found someone else, his soulmate so to speak, everything had changed. He canceled our outing because he had a date with that girl. He declined to spend his time with me at this one special place because he had a candle light dinner with that girl. And I once asked him to call me immediately and he scolded me because he was with his girlfriend at that time and he said I didn’t understand him. Time flies… even until now, when he has already gotten married to that lady and soon will be a father, I still couldn’t get rid of all those bad memories. I tried so hard to get over everything but I failed. Even if I gave the most honest smile to him, I could still feel the unhealed scar inside. And I’m still waiting for the unlikely time for the wound to heal. Now, whenever he tries to be good to me or asks me out, it’s my time to say ‘no’. And hurting the ones you love is like killing yourself. The pain penetrates me so deep that I couldn’t hold the feelings at times and broke down.

I came to think that the more you love someone, the more sensitive you become and once he did something silly [that you shouldn’t have been sad about], it hurts you so much that you hardly accept his apologies. The more you love someone, the heavier the burden you have to carry on your shoulders. The more you love someone, the more time you spend to cry over him. The more you love someone, the longer the time you need to take to forget every single thing about him. The more you love someone, the tougher the obstacles you have to go through. And the more you love someone, the stronger you THINK you can be. But the truth is, the more you love someone, the further you are from the REAL AND TRUE LOVE. And that’s the time when you have to look back and think for yourself and not for other people, especially the one you love the most.

I’m sorry.. Maybe I couldn’t accept this because I used to treasure you so much. Maybe it was my fault for putting the hope too high. Maybe it was my fault for not being understanding. I know it’s not your fault at all and I should have been thinking that everything you did was for my own good. I wanted to believe that way but I’m not that strong. I failed. I’m defeated. I know you are a great and wonderful guy and you’ve been at your best all the time but it was truly my fault for searching for your love in the first place, which is the most FALSE and untrue love of all. I’m sorry.. for myself..

Take time to THINK. It is the source of power.
Take time to READ. It is the foundation of wisdom.
Take time to DREAM. It has the future made of.
Take time to QUIET. It is the opportunity to seek God.
Take time to PRAY. It is the greatest power on Earth.

Wallahu’alam.

Can't think of any..

Icah: Na, hari Khamis hr tu ade kawan na call rumah. Icah tak ingat nama dia apa. Kalau tak silap amir ke ape tah. Dia kata dah lama lost contact. Dia tanye na sekarang belajar kat mana. Icah kata esok na balik so dia kata hari jumaat tu dia nak call tapi takde pun.
Me: Hmm.. Siapakah????

As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have any friend named @mir except for @mir riz@l in Langkawi to whom I wasn’t that close [in fact, he’s now in Russia, why on earth did he want to call me for?] and @mir F@reed with whom I still keep in touch in college and receiving a call from him is like impossible. If it was @imr@n, he just texted me the day before that guy called and he knows where I’m studying now, so that cancels his name out. I’m not that keen to find out who that guy was. Well, to be honest, I do want to know tapi malas la nak memenatkan kepale otak. But somehow for some reasons, I just hope, really hope that it was m@x, pretending to be someone else. Yes, he’s still there somewhere in the void, I can’t help that. Yes, I’m still hoping to hear from him, even I know it might be wearisome. And yes, I can be very pathetic and sick when it comes to m@x. I’m sorry for myself..

Well, nothing much to blog. We, the senior biologists went to the Elephant Sanctuary in Pahang on Friday. The elephants are big, stink at times, smart and cute! Basically we just learnt new stuff about elephants and gaining as much knowledge as possible especially about the conservation of elephants in Malaysia. We went there in the first place is because 'Conservation of Endangered Animals' is one of the topics in the application of biology so that’s why Mr. B0l@r was so excited when he came out with his idea to go to that place. Though a bit tiring, it was fun actually =) I didn’t take any photo because my camera was running out of battery and I couldn’t find any battery in that place so yea, I had to ‘mencapub’ in other’s cameras. Heh.. Oh talking about camera, the instructor or also known as ‘The Elephant Man’ had this one very cool Canon camera and the way he took pictures really made me green with envy. Wuhuuu.. Kewl gile beb! Jeles gak ar. Huhu.. Then, one of the buses sent those who wanted to go back home to KL Central including me. And that made me, qin, @qt@r, hi1fi and @d@m had to struggle to get ourselves in the overloaded train. And it was very stressful and disappointing. Tapi tak kisah sangat because Nazme was waiting for me at home. Miss him already :(

I did nothing for the weekend except for shopping with Icah and abg Amir in alamanda. Bought a pair of new slacks and that’s it. Oh yea, Abg Amir wasn’t chosen to be one of the instructors for that BMW thingy. The reason being is they wanted people who are already an instructor since they are running out of time to train people. Hmm.. baru je berangan nak bawak 3series ke, z4 ke. Huhu.. Aish.. duniawi memang menyesatkan. Astaghfirullaah al‘adzim…

And talking about driving, just now I drove back to college sebab kesian kat mum penat. Dad was out for business trip so mum had to send me back. Since she was busy preparing breakfast for the in-law, and then went to surau an-nur for a ceramah and she looked quite tired so I volunteered myself to drive. And Qin hitched a ride sebab parents dia tak boleh hantar. And guess what? For the first time in my life, I got to reach college from home in less than one hour! Sampai2 je kolej qin kate, ‘Dina, u bawak serious laju nak mati. I tobat tanak tumpang u lagi. Haha..’. To be honest, I actually watched out my speed and tried not to exceed the speed limit but I didn’t realize lor! Mum tertido dalam kereta so there was no one to remind me over my speed. Hehe.. Oh well.. I couldn’t be pinned because I inherit that trait from Dad. Hehe.. And know what; Dad actually used to own a SLR camera!! Now I know where I got that gene! Huhu.. Unfortunately, the camera is out of use and rosak. And it’s not a digital cam. Sob2.. Sokay, I’ll get my own one sweet day =)

Anyways, have you heard a band called ‘0utlandi$h’? I don’t know how to describe the band. Tak tahula kumpulan nasyeed ke ape but their songs are kinda related to God and stuff like that. I downloaded some of the songs from a reliable website and one of the songs is featuring Sami Yusof. I read some of the lyrics but what really caught my eyes were these..:

Even when I'm not alone
You are closer than the veins in my neck
Even when I'm all alone

Even when I'm in sleep
You are closer than the veins in my neck
Even when I'm in it so deep

Even when I'm all gone
You are closer than the veins in my neck
Even as I'm singing this song

Even when I'm on a high
You are closer than the veins in my neck
Even when I try to touch the sky

And why did it get my attention? Sebab aku teringat p@k @ry pernah cakap ‘Sesungguhnya Allah itu lebih dekat dengan kita daripada degupan nadi’. And bila aku teringat kata2 p@k @ry ni aku rasa insaf sebab kadang2 aku terleka and lalai dengan kehidupan aku sebagai hamba yang imannya tak tentu, kadang2 naik, kadang2 turun. Kadang2 rasa malu sangat dengan Allah sebab aku tak hargai apa yang telah Dia kurniakan tapi apa yang aku belajar masa esq training, Allah itu Al-Ghafuur dan At-Tawwaab dan selagi pintu taubat belum tertutup, selagi itulah seorang hamba tu patut bertaubat kepada Tuhannya. Semoga hati2 kita dilindungi oleh Allah daripada unsur2 yang tidak elok, insyaAllah..

“Maka hadapkanlah wajahmu dengan mantap kepada agama menurut fitrah Allah yang telah menciptakannya fitrah itu pada manusia. Tiada dapat diubah (hukum-hukum ) ciptaan Allah. Itulah agama yang benar, tetapi kebanyakan manusia tiada mengetahui.” ~ Ar-Ruum 10:43

Wallahu'alam