The Verity Of Judgment

“It’s not wrong to have feelings because they are meant for human beings. Being able to feel means being a normal person. The problem with it is, it doesn’t always happen at the right time..”

0113am 291207 Room124, Berj@y@ Eden H0tel, L0nd0n.

Wowwee.. it has been almost 3 years of blogging now. It’s Dec 29 already and by the time I key this in it would probably be the last day of the year 2007. ‘How time flies so fast’. That’s the most often used quote I’ve ever had for this year and probably for some more years to come. I know it’s quite late for me to merepek at right this hour but I just have so many things in head that need to be let out, kalau tak mmg tak boleh tido. Since I left my camera at Leicester and I’m in no access to surf the net for any blog update, I had no choice but to grab a pen and this piece of paper and started crapping like normal. Hehe..

Anyways, it has been two weeks of holiday already and I have two weeks left before the hols end and 3 weeks away to my exam (&^%$#@#$%^&*!!!!!). The reason why I really dislike long holidays is, the moment it ends is much much worse than having no holiday at all. Seriously. I’d rather have at least 5-day break than having 5 weeks off. I’ve been trying to cope with it ever since I was in college but nothing seems to be quite helpful. But I really have no choice and have to live with it as it is.

Now I’m back in this old little place called Leicester. Despite the dreadful feelings I have over long holidays, the Ireland-London trip was what I really needed after 3 months of the so-called ‘new life’ in Leicester though I have to go through without my kekasih hati beside. Sob2..

Cork and Ireland as a whole was SANGAT BEST!!!! Even though I couldn’t join my friends to a programme in Dublin and a trip to Turkey, I really had a superb time of my own with mum, anid, icah n lupi. I really don’t know how to describe every single detail of my trip because I’m a real hopeless in describing things but all in all, I really LOVED so much and I was really glad to receive such warm and pleasant hospitality from the people.

I had the chance to meet Malaysian doctors who have been working in Ireland for years. It was quite pressurising when they talked about the no-time-for-yourself situation mostly all the time and all exams they have to sit for. But it was rather inspiring to a further extent especially when they talked about the interesting part of being a doctor and the gains they have got in return. Banyak experience yg diorg share most of which I’ve never heard of before so memang menarik and encouraging sangat2. That’s that part. The scenery kat Ireland pun sangat cantik. Very green, calm, peaceful and beautiful. Memang best la.

Leicester has been a place that I really like too. The people, the M@l@ysian S0ciety, the murah-ness of the standard of living, the med school, my groupmates etc. I really had great 3 months in Leicester. But being a weirdo like me who has a strange psychological needs always demands odd things I rarely got the chance to have. The problem with me is, I can’t keep on staying at one place with the same set of people for a long time. I need to get out of the place and be in another completely different place with different set of people around.

When I was in college, I had my $FC$ friends, fellow bloggers and the E$Q team to distract my mind for a while when my capacity of handling college life reached its max level. But here in Leicester, I hardly have anyone to turn to in that sense. That’s why I was extremely happy when Mr. Tiger dropped me a comment. Rasa mcm alive sikit la hidup. Baru thrill. Poyo la sikit tp betul apa. Heh.. Fortunately mum brought me to Ireland and rescued me from severe depression. Cewah.. But I truly needed that trip and Alhamdulillah, although I really hate to see this moment comes to its end, I’m more than delightful to keep on moving and fight for my dreams.

Actually, I’m still indecisive whether or not to post this entry up but for once, I’m not intending to pretend and lie to myself because this is what I really feel inside. I know it’s quite unfair to say this but if and only if I’ve ever got a chance to choose, I’d rather be in C0rk with lupi and those great people around. I’m a human being and it’s normal to have unlimited desires but I know and I’m aware of the boundaries. I can’t be greedy. I can’t be ungrateful. I can’t be demanding. In fact, everything that I have now is not even mine so yea, I’m more than thankful to be here in Leicester..

I know I’m not a new-year-new-resolutions kind of person. I don’t do resolutions because I have none. But there’s only one thing I really hope I could get a strong grip on for at least one year before I get it renewed next year and that is to have this strong feeling of insights and encouragements and hoping them to last longer than I expected them to be.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, PEOPLE. May you have a great venture into 2008. Ingatlah satu tahun tu ada 365 hari. Dan satu hari ada 24jam. Tak lebih tak kurang. Jadi, gunakanlah sebaik2nye, ok? ;)

“Yet, realising it to take place at the wrong time means you’re still in the verity of judgment..”

P/S: Kalau tak termuntah gak tgk gmbr yg banyak ni, x taula nak cakap ape.

Brief update from Ireland

Monday 17 Dec - arrived at c0rk at 9.05pm. Lupi rented a car and picked us up at the airport. It was freeeezingly cold that night. Grrrr..

Tuesday 18 Dec - Weather pagi tu sangat best sbb tak sejuk sangat. Bangun lambat sbb masing2 penat travel the day before. Jenjalok kat area Univ College of C0rk. Bangunan2 dia sangat lawa. Med school dia sangat modern. Definitely not like Leicester. Sob2..

Wednesday 19 Dec - Raya haji!!! Smayang raya kat hall apa ntah. Then ada makan2 kat rumah $hid!. He was along ima's collegemate masa A-level kat 0xf0rd. Rumah dia sangat besar dan super best. Makan pun best. Hikhik.. Lpeastu jenjalok kat Kinsale, a very nice fishing village. Sangat lawa and peaceful. Banyak seagull. Kewl gile.. Lepastu bought some groceries kat tesco.

Thursday 20 Dec - Pulled off to Dublin. Lupi yg x pernah2 bawak manual, sangat tabah meng-control stick shift dengan jayanya. Lunch kat rumah fid0 did0, kawan lupi since form 1 kat ST@R sampai la ke KMB. encik peny00 masak sangat best. Lepastu jenjalok kat city centre. Sangat besar dan lawa. Or mungkin aku je yg jakon tgk city yg besar2 ni sbb leicester tu kampung sahaja. Hmm.. Tapi mmg cantik la. Jumpa encik irf@n, my friend masa sekolah rendah! Setelah penat, kembali ke rumah fid0 did0 dan makan dinner plak. Sekali lagi makanan sangat sedap. Lepastu tido tempat n@zi. Seperti biasa beborak dgn n@zi sampai tengah malam. Huhu..

Friday 21 Dec - Breakfast kat rumah kak n0nee and the gang makan nasi lemak. Sangat sedap sehingga tambah sekali lagi. Rumah tu besar dan best. Lepastu kembali ke rumah fid0 did0 utk mengucapkan selamat jalan. Pulang ke c0rk semula dan tiba around 4++pm. Malam tu dinner kat flat encik Kuc@!. Ada kawan Pi ni, doc sy!r@ baru dapat kerja so dia belanja kitorg makan pizza n chinese food yg sangat sedap. Beborak dgn mereka2 semua. Oh ya, encik $h@kur, my senior kat college dulu pun ada. Kawan2 pi yg lain ialah cik lin, encik kuc@! yg sangat pelik dan kelakar, dan encik fred. I was really enjoying myself with them around.

Basically that was it. It may sound "Waaaaah, seronok laaa!" but deep down, I was very very disappointed. Know why? Because I didn't bring my D70s!!!!!!!!!!!! Memang menangis tak berlagu. Kiciwa gile. Haritu la kelam kabut nak pegi train station kat leicester smpai terlupa bawak kekasih hati. Sedih betul. Tapi takpela, Ireland is a very nice place and the people (as in kawan2 lupi) sumenye sangat baik. Datang sini mmg makan adalah satu pekerjaan wajib. Jadi hatiku pun gumbiraaa. Huhu.. Gambar? Hmm.. yg stok2 flickr takdela. Yg gmbr2 pose sume tak upload lagi, maleh :P Nanti2 laa.. Ni nak pergi study jap, ade exam laa bulan depan!!!!! Sob2..

What is it so funny?

I can’t stop myself from smiling. And to be honest, I’m really not sure why.

I missed my lecture this morning. Again. I swear I really wanted to go. I slept late last night just to get my lecture notes edited and printed. And I know immunology is not a subject I could learn by sleeping. I heard my alarm clock gone off one hour before the lecture, hoping I could read through the notes beforehand and didn’t go blur and sleepy in the lecture but my subconscious mind somehow managed to turn it off and all I knew I was still in bed when the hands of my watch pointed at 9 and 6! Ok fine, I missed Dr. H@le$ lecture!! It’s Dr. H@le$ people!! My favourite lecturer!! Ahah..

But I went to the next lecture though. At 11.00pm. And lucky me, it was Dr. H@le$ presented the talk *big smile* He told us about his Greek geeky friends used to call him ‘Ha-les’ [macam pronounce dalam malay] instead of ‘Haels’ and that brought us, the malay students to call him Dr. Kh@lis!! Hah hah.. Sangat cuteee :D Then at 12.30, I got histology practical pulak. And Dr. H@le$ again!! Oh, what a happy day.. I asked him a question about the nervous system and he looked at me with a smile on his face and said very softly and gently “I’m sorry Rushdina, I’m not sure. I really don’t know. Maybe you should ask Dr. X [tak igt nama doc tu. Heh..]..” and I went “Oh, it’s ok doc..” smiling, as wide as I can. Oh, hatiku sangat berbunga2 melihat Dr. H@le$ tersenyum dan menyebut namaku!!!!! Hah hah hah.. And that made me smile.

Ok, cut it off. Forget about Dr. H@le$ and my lameness. I’m a bit mixed up and I need to find a way to entertain myself. Yep, by being lame!! Oh, I’m so pathetic. I know.

Mum, @nid n ic@h are on their way now. I’m going to pick them up at the train station tomorrow. I really forgot that I have a tutorial session with my personal tutor tomorrow but I would no way leave my family waiting at the train station after hours of journey so I’ve emailed my tutor about me not being able to attend the session tomorrow. I’m quite disappointed in a way though, because after all these months and after one semester passes me by, I’ve never met my personal tutor in person. But yea, family comes first :) And I’m really looking forward to meeting them. It just makes me smile..

I just found out that someone is kinda hiding from me. Well, I don’t know how to put it in the right words but I somehow know that this one fella, actually appear offline to me on ym! Hmm.. Adakah aku ni hantu yg akan memakannya hidup2? Mungkin. Adakah aku ni org gila yg akan mengganggu dan menghantui hidupnya? Mungkin. Whatever it is, it’s none of my bizz and why should I care a toss? He/she didn’t cause me any harm, did he/she? But that’s kinda funny. Hehe.. And thinking about me who used to appear offline to this fella, it makes me smile..

Yesterday, I had a Pe0ple and disease seminar. I’m kinda disappointed with myself. I don’t know in what way but I just am. Haih.. And that makes me smile as well.

Then I stumbled upon a blog. A blog. I mean, a blog. Have I said it’s a blog? Yes, it’s a blog. No, there’s nothing so special about it but I knew the blogger. An old man. Hahaha.. No no, I mean, an old friend. It was a very long time ago and I should have abandoned all those not so sweet memories behind. Well not that I didn’t try but I guess I just need something to hammer my head and wake me up in a reality. But it was kinda funny. I don’t know which part but I did laugh you know, so it must be something funny. No, I didn’t leave any footstep or else I’d shoot my head to death. And thinking about all my stupid actions and words and everything, it makes me smile..

Talking about death, I talked to a friend [ex-friend? Is there any such thing?] few days back. He has always wanted to do medicine but he didn’t make through and he’s now doing engineering in somewhere on this globe. I told him; being a doctor is not always something to be happy about. One thing I don’t like about medicine is I’m going to deal with death, like it or not. Well, it’s very important to be a sensitive doctor who could convey their empathy to the patients but it’s not so good to be a VERY sensitive doctor who could easily get emotionally involved with the patients because it would put her out. And inconvenience is not a good thing while working especially when you’re a doctor. This lad told me; “Well, back off and try look back when you first decided to be a doctor. Death is inevitable. It’s not the reason why you can’t be a doctor. You’ve got this chance and you’re not gonna waste it. Think about people like me who’ve worked our ass off to be in your position but didn’t even get a chance..” Yep, he's right. And thinking about the guy, whom I talked about in my previous entry, it makes me smile.. Believe it or not, we had a falling-out later on. Hehe klakar..

I’m sorry with this emotional and crazy entry. You can call me a psycho if you want but I’m really trying here. Winter break is approaching [Yeay!!~] and mum’s coming [double yeay!!!] and my first semester of medicine is ending [yeay yeay yeay!]. I should be happy. I MUST be happy.

Now, I’m smiling again. But this time round, I know why. I just miss my family :)

Flickr.Expl0re used to be my favourite website. It was a must-surf site. I gained a lot of inspiration out of it and always got awestrucked by the pictures. But as of I got my D70s, I started to put it aside and started to indulge myself with my own ideas. But when I came across this photo, I just don't understand why it didn't get put in the Flickr.Expl0re. It's been quite a while since I last put up photo snapped by others. And this one here, is super beautiful. The editing, the angle, the compo, I just LURVEEE it!! Credits go to the photog!! *applause*

Now, everything makes me want to smile now. Don't get me wrong, smiling is a good thing. Not that I hate it, but I'm afraid it means something else. Hah hah.. Ok, I need to stop crapping and get back to my assignment. It's H@dp0p tomorrow! Yeay!!~

O Sun, Where Art Thou?

It’s been raining and cloudy all day. Not seeing the Sun for a day is quite depressing to be honest. But I have to get used to it. People always say, ‘it’s all in your mind. Your mind controls everything.’ Oh well, I’m not quite sure about that but I think it’s true, to some extents. I just don’t think it’s true when this moody weather could actually affect my emotions, no matter how hard I struggled to keep myself ecstatic and joyful because it didn’t quite work.

I have a problem with my accommodation since my sponsor amended their policy on our allowance especially when they abolished the 60:40 policy. Not to be lucky, I was sort of designated to stay in a deluxe room, a more expensive room, even though my application form stated standard room. Have I had no choice, I proceeded with the agreement and I have to pay extra £300+ in total, for 42 weeks (or in easier words, until I finish my first year study) which obviously too much, though I got to enjoy the space and the luxury. So I appealed to get a room transfer, from deluxe to standard room. It has been 3 months since I sent in the form and only to receive the reply from the accommodation office two days ago.

I was quite excited in the first place when I got the email. But I also had the thought of not carrying on the plan at the back of my mind. Ye la, nak kena repack n re-unpack barang, nak kena tukar alamat bank and whatnot, it’s a hell of a job really. But just thinking about the extra money that I have to pay, I compelled myself to go on with the plan. So I viewed the room, and the flat as a whole. The room was ok, just as what I expected though the flat was a tad bising with lagu yg dipasang dgn kuatnye. But the kitchen on the other hand was very disappointing. It was horribly filthy and stank to high heaven. I immediately decided to not move into that misery. Just as I was depressed with my financial state, I don’t think things would be any better if I moved into the room with messy kitchen. So yea, I really need to keep my head above water now. Sigh..

And not enough with that, I have other problems with this one chap pulak. Haih.. no, I’m not intending to mengeluh or mengadu kat sesape so I won’t write anything about it here. But I’m really emotionally affected right now and I can’t think straight anymore. Tadi ada study group and I was supposed to present two topics (G6PD deficiency and PKU) but I was terribly messed up. I didn’t prepare anything until 30 minutes before the session. Teruk gile perangai. I know it was my fault. And I’m really disappointed with myself. Kesian kat diorg td sbb aku mcm gelabah n tahpape je tadi. Haih..

However I’m feeling right now, I just hope things would be gone by tomorrow. I seriously need to study before the break next week. I HAVE TO!~ Bertahan dina!!~ Say NO to distractions! Yeah!~

Dear stranger.. sorry for everything n anything. I was not supposed to take it personally but I couldn’t help it. I was and still am in the middle of recovering from my emotional ailment when you came into scene. So it was quite hard for me to pretend like nothing happened. I PROMISE you I would find my bearings and get my head straight and I hope the same thing in return. I hope everything ends here and things would go back to normal. No hard feelings, ok? I'm so sorry..

The World Is Shrinking! II

The world is shrinking yet even more!! Huhu..

I don’t want to sound so jakun but I can’t help it! Hehe.. Let me give another list..

• The other day during the N0tt$ games, on the bus, on my way back from P0wer Le@gue to Sports Centre, I stumbled upon a girl named H@n@. She’s now studying in Kings C0llege in L0nd0n. I browsed his friendster just now and I was quite surprised to see her primary photo with h@di!! H@di is Lupi’s friend since forever [kawan dari kecik la, dulu h@di ni kawan F@rh@n, my kazen, kat JB dulu..], and only to find out that H@di is actually H@n@’s cousin. Hmm.. Pastu some of her friends are my college friends as well like m3k n sh@t. Tapi tu tak kisah la sbb mmg ramai gile pun dak2 kolej kat L0nd0n.


• BUT.. I accidentally figured out that H@n@ is a friend of T@ufiq as well! Huhu.. T@ufiq is my flickr friend je la, takde la close pun but still la kan..


• And.. One of H@n@’s friends, F@zri1, who was once in my college before he moved to KTJ, is actually a friend of @ni$i$m!! And @ni$i$m is one of my social contacts from $FC$!!!


• Ada sorg kawan N@i1i ni, nama dia Ry3, a freelance photographer as well. I just found out that Ry3 is actually N@dy@’s cousin [kalau bukan kazen pun sedara mara la]!! Kisah N@dy@ ni pun complicated sket. Basically the network goes like this: Me - miru1 - MM - TT - N@dy@. Haaa kecik tak kecik dunia ni! Huhu.. Tapi tak tekejut sgt la sbb miru1 n MM n TT n N@dy@ tu famous bloggers so mmg byk network pon. N@dy@ ni jugak lah yg banyak ajar aku pasal photography senornye.
  

Hmm.. Amazing race btol..

Anyways, to T0k rim@u yg kewl sentiasa, thanx for picking this site as 'blog of the day' couple of days ago. I'm honoured, really =) I'm not sure which part that really excited me but I somehow felt like being at home, reading @KB. Hehe.. Nak suruh Mum bawak laa buku tu. Heh.. Rindu pulak nak baca entry2 pak rimau n pak naga. Haih..

Cues oh cues..

Ok, enough of the fantasy. Let's get back to reality, shall we?

Just now I had my second c0mmunic@ti0n skill seminar and just like the previous one, we touched about picking up patients' cues particularly the verbal ones. At first, I had a little bit confusion about verbal cues. I mean, it's easy to define non-verbal cues like eye contact, facial expression, body language yada yada yada but how do you actually detect verbal cues?

It took me quite a while to get my head round this. The only thing that could help is by being an active listener. And I tell you, it's not as easy as it sounds. I thought all this while I'm a good listener. Yea, talking about perasan, I can be perasan at times. Anyways, maybe you think 'ahha, it's not that hard to be a good listener. Just maintain the eye contact and do some noddings to show that you understand..'. Well, it doesn't quite so. The main important thing in being an active listener is to FOCUS on what the patient has to say and by that I mean no distraction whatsoever through out the conversation!

Ok, you might think 'Err ok. Just focus.. and.. that's it..?'. Well yea, basically that's about it. But once you're in the conversation, it's very hard to stay in focus, to be honest. I mean, every single word that come out of the patient's mouth could be verbal cues. It's just up to your judgment on which to pick up. Maybe it's quite hard for me because I've never been taught about verbal cues before but once you're accustomed to it, it shouldn't be a problem.

Few things that I learnt from today's seminar are:

• I'm not actually a good listener *applause* I mean, it's hard actually to be one.
• I'm actually encountering endless list of verbal cues everyday! It's just that it's not a, in my case, medic-patient conversation but still, there are just too many to deal with! Cewah poyo la jugak tapi tu la, tak perasan je selama ni. Hmm..
• Patient ni macam2 ragamnye. Not that I'm not aware of this fact but once you've experienced it yourself, then you really know the true taste of it. And I'm not complaining though. They just need help so I'm here to learn to be a person who can help, insyaAllah.

You know why I'm writing this some sort of reflection stuff every time I underwent a seminar or a medical programme or anything? These people believe that by doing some reflections, you'll learn more about it, whether you realise it or not. Mula2 aku macam malas sket nak buat reflection2 ni sbb malas nak kena ada reflection diary lah ape lah, but come to think of it, it really does help! Macam muhasabah diri la kan. And I don't actually need a diary, blog sudah mencukupi. Huhu..

And.. it doesn't need to be lengthy and draggy so yea, I'll stop here. Have a nice evening people! :D

I've always loved sky. Because it reminds me a lot of things. It represents the true meaning of freedom. And it's incomparably beautiful. Because the Creator behind it, is The Most Magnificent of all :)

Smiling makes you feel good :)

=) =) =)

Last night I couldn’t close my eyes even I was soo sleepy and tired. Now, I can’t stop from smiling. Tak pasti kenapa rasa nak senyum sentiasa. Nak kata happy, xdela sangat sbb petang ni ade c0mmunicati0n skill seminar tapi... ntahla. Heh..

He always surprises me with unexpected things. He still has the element of ‘uniqueness’ in him. Well, I honestly didn’t know him inside out so can’t really tell much about it. Although it was quite brief, it went so monotonously, smooth and clean. Not that we used to talk dirty or anything but ‘clean’ in a sense of no falling-outs, no hard feelings whatsoever. Though, he didn’t have any introduction like ‘salam’ or ‘hello’ or ‘hai’ or anything. That makes me laugh somehow. Huhu..

Yep, we finally talked. After more than 3 years now, I’m glad that he could still accept me as his friend.

Just in case if you happened to read this h@fiz, good luck with your interview tomorrow! Selamat bertugas sebagai seorg junior doctor yg berjaya! =) =)

Of missing my bro.. Sob2..

• The moment at the airport when I was about to depart to Langkawi, Lupi hugged me and said “I love you dina. I know you will make Mum and Dad proud”.


• During his SPM results announcement day, my mind did not seem to focus on my studies for the whole day. I skipped my lunch after class and ran straight to my room and quickly grabbed my phone and called Dad. And when Dad said “Alhamdulillah nak, Lupi dpt straight A1”, I could not stop myself from sobbing. I cried and cried, and missed him very much. I sms-ed him immediately “Lupi, congrats for the excellent result. I’m very happy for you” and he replied “Thanx na, sayang kau..”


• Time flies. When I got the offer to go to KYU3M, he told me to use the opportunity as best as I could. “Aku dulu teringin sangat nak pergi sana, tapi dapat KMB nak wat camne. Tapi aku happy ah ko dpt pegi lembah bringin”.


• “I just want you to do well. And I want you to be better.”
  

Yesterday, when I saw him from afar, I beamed with delight, explaining how happy I was to see him. Not that we haven’t met for years or anything but knowing that even I’m here, being away from family in Malaysia, I still have Lupi to look after me. He looked good, as usual. I had so many things in head to tell him but since Lupi and I were playing for football n netball respectively, we didn’t have so much time to catch up on each other. Let alone the football field was quite far from the netball court.

My game yesterday was not that bad though there were some dissatisfaction made by the host but we played very well. Out of 5 games, we only won one game and supposedly drew 3 games [tapi referee tu mcm bengong sket kata kitorg kalah satu game] and lost to n0tt$ in one game. So we didn’t manage to go to the next level. It’s been like that for Leicester ever since so no biggy. Heh.. So after I was done with my game, I took a bus to go to P0w3r Le@gu3 to see Lupi’s game pulak.

Because his team was doing very well, they got to play in several matches. By the time I got to the field, his team was playing against W@rwick. Since they won that match, they were qualified to enter the semi-final. It was almost 330pm and my bus to Leicester was at 5.00 so I had to rush back before I got left by the bus. I knew I wouldn’t be able to lepak2 with him so I said to him I have to go.

“Ko nak balik dah? Sedihnyaaa. Kata nak chill2..”
“Bas pkl 5 laa. Takut tak sempat..”
“Alaa awalnyaa..”
“Takpela, lenkali boleh chill2 lagi. Pi datang la Leicester..”
“Aku maybe x sempat nak datang Leicester kot na. Lepas habis game semua ni aku terus balik London. Esok balik cork trus. Aku ada exam x lama lagi..”
“Ok takpe. Nanti jumpa la kat cork dgn Mum anid n icah..”
“Ok, ko belajar elok2..”

I salam-ed his hand. And he hugged me and stroked my head.

“Ko jaga diri baik2 k.”

All this while, we rarely spent time together, you know, brother-sister relationship. He prefers to talk to @nid rather than me about just anything. They play badminton together, he teaches @nid how to play guitar, and he tells @nid about his girlfriend. Well, I don’t really mind because I know @nid does the job better than me and I’m used to it. Even I myself tell @nid stuff and not him. But since God-knows-when, things have somehow changed. I’m not complaining but as I’ve said before, it makes me feel somewhat different. And it’s something good to be felt.

I’ve never believed in horoscopes or those Chinese beliefs about date of births or anything but I somehow can tell that there are actually some similarities between me n Lupi. Yep, we were born on the same date and we’ve been celebrating our birthday together e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.y.e.a.r and we even look quite alike [masa n0tt$ game, kak f@tin tanye kak @m@ni, ‘eh siapa budak lelaki tu? Muka dia sebijik mcm dina’ sambil menunjuk ke arah lupi. Huhu..], we both are very egoistic [mum kata Lupi ckp aku x penah nak call dia kat skype. Pastu mum suruh aku call Lupi sekali sekala. Aku mcm tertanya2, kenapa aku yg kena call dia n bukan dia yg call aku? And until now, we never speak to each other via skype. Kuangkuang..], we both are very sensitive inside [Lupi actually is a very soft-hearted person. He was the first to cry at the airport before anybody else during his departure to C0rk two years ago. At least I wept after Mum did!! Hehe..] and so many other things but we’ve never seemed to be close. We've never had good memories together. Perhaps words are not always necessary in our relationship because we both just know what is there.

Now, I’m missing him already. And I’m very disappointed for not having the time to chat n chill2 with him :( What even makes me feel worse is, Mum is now in Sydney, having a seminar and she’ll be back on the 7th. Tak boleh nak skype2 lagi for the time being. Sob2.. And as a result of that, I’m in no mood to do anything. Sigh..

This is just a random shot of Qu33n M@ry football team. Good looking jugak mamat tengah2 ni. Hah hah hah..

Stupidity vs Smartness

“Aku rasa bodoh sangat bila pikir masa dulu2 tu.. Kenapa la aku buat benda bodoh tu ek? Tak boleh terima betul. Hahaha..” said one of my friends, when we were harking back to the pasts, picking up the ones we really wanted to get over but happened to still appear at the back our minds, inadvertently.

I think it’s just normal for one to feel stupid over unacceptable mistakes that they had done when they were younger. I’ve felt the same way too, sometimes. You know when you just wish that you didn’t do it in the first place; and you think things wouldn’t be like they are now. But yea, there’s no such thing as ‘kebetulan’ in Islam. Everything happens with a reason so there’s no point of being regretful.

I have a thought about it and I think, why would you feel stupid over things that actually taught you to be a better person? I mean, yes you feel stupid but of course you learnt something from it as well. Come to think of it, you’re actually growing up and moving one step towards being smarter so you shouldn’t feel stupid, sensibly. And at the end of the day, just without your knowledge, you’d be thankful for everything that has happened. And at that point of your life, all you could do is just smile. And maybe, just maybe, wish it to happen again.

Oh anyways, I shouldn’t be crapping out at this hour and I should go to bed by now. Tomorrow is the ever-waited N0ttingh@m G@me$ and the bus is pulling off at 7. So I think I need to get some sleep now, unless I don’t mind to be left. Hehe.. I’m in the netball team but probably just stay in the sub through out. Don’t really mind actually. I’m just looking forward to meeting Lupi. Heh.. He’s playing football for Qu33n M@ry’s team [Duh!]. Otherwise, I just can’t wait to meet my college friends :D

Have a nice weekend people! :)

P/S: Since it’s only 2313 and still the 30th of Nov, I think it’s not too late to wish Abg Din a.k.a Bro Giggzmo a Happy 30th Birthday!~ Semoga dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki dan ditetapkan iman :)

Boundaries

“I’ve so deeply treasured you..
How can I face you again?
I can’t. I just can’t.
Just go…”

I might not be the most emotionally sensitive kind of person in the world or so I think. But to tell you the truth, I do have some difficulties in handling my emotions sometimes. Not the hatred or rage kind of feelings. Alhamdulillah, whenever I feel annoyed or anything I manage to keep my head despite great complications or at least I try. No, not in that sense. I just get so easily moved by things, no matter how simple it may seem. Occasionally I would keep it to myself and just move ahead but if things happened to weigh me down greatly, I’d just break down and if I’m strong enough, I’d drain things away.

Today, I had Health and Disease in Populations (HaDPop) lecture. It’s the epidemiology part of medicine. At first I didn’t get my head around it as I understood not a single word in the workbook. But now, it is not that bad actually. I just feel responsible to appreciate Dr. R0n’s effort to make it as interesting subject as possible. And he did it very well, though he often makes nonsense of the topic but I guess it’s just his way.

Anyway, today we learnt something about 'Causality', how people have struggled since hundred of years ago to find out and comprehend the relationship between a disease and its causes. What really caught my ears was when Dr. R0n said something like this: “We have always believed that there must be a reason for a disease to come into existence. It doesn’t come from God, just like that.” Well, there might be many ways to interpret what he said but then, at that point, it’s very interesting to see how these people have worked their asses off figuring out the hidden secret of the world.

Ok, I may not make any sense and sound incomprehensible, I admit that but the main important thing is, these people have shown me and maybe other people like me, how limited our knowledge is when it comes to science. It’s very intriguing to hear my lecturers say, “yada yada yada.. yet we’re still unsure about that..” or “it’s still puzzling us how bla blab la” etc. Get what I mean? Ok, what I’m trying to say is, no matter how hard we try to understand the underlying reasons of anything, there are always some elements of limitations in our imagination and we could no way beat the Greatness of Allah, Al-‘Aliim, The Knower of All.

You know when you learn about all these stuff, the science thingy, you can’t run away from the signs of His presence. Yes, you know He exists but being a mundane human being, it’s just normal for you to need a proof to bring yourself round. He knows that, so He’s given us a lot of signs and guidance and when you see that thing in front of your eyes, then you’ll become more convinced and certain. But yeah, yet we are still being ignorance and do not care about anything.

Well, that’s not exactly what I want to relate the ‘emotions’ part to. In the lecture, Dr. R0n gave us some examples regarding the topic. And when it came to ‘Mesothelioma is associated with exposure to asbestos – no other factors are significant causes of mesothelioma (which is a reportable occupationally related disease)’ I just called someone to my mind.

I’ve never heard of mesothelioma before, not until I knew it from M0bileMum [or we often address her as MM]. Yep, as you can see at the sidebar of this site, there’s a purple icon button that links to her blog. I used to visit her blog quite regularly and not until she decided to call a halt to blogging. There are just so many things to say about MM but whenever she appeared in the box of my head, I just miss her writings and how they affected my perceptions about life. “During a routine medical check up, it was one of the blood test I request that tells me I have cancer. Listen to our body.” And now that she’s stopped blogging and I haven’t contacted her ever since, I hope she’s doing ok and happy with her life.

Seeing MM going through all those difficulties and she survived, I always pray for the same thing to happen to my aunty. It was really hard for everyone to take in the truth when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer but alhamdulillah, she’s still fighting for her life now and I’ll keep on praying hard that she would never give up.

After all, everything is written in the book. And He indeed knows everything.

Of Celebrating Birthday at Nand0s

Have you ever felt, at one point of your daily life; you just had a strong feeling to be all alone, indulging yourself in your own space, your own world, not thinking about anything, not sensing the presence of the rest of the world, feeling so peaceful that you just want to stay that way forever.

Well, I’ve felt the urge. But I’ve never had those times.

Urgh, ape aku merepek ni? Ok, I’m actually skipping my lecture this morning, intentionally because I slept quite late last night and I could no way wake up early just for an 8.30-lecture. So, I’m supposed to be studying now. Sigh..

Oh by the way, we, the first years had a great night yesterday. Last Monday was M@i’s birthday so we planned to treat her dinner at Nandos. Although it was not really well-planned sbb minggu ni semua org sibuk [except me sbb my programmes semua dah abes last two weeks :D] it did turn out a blast!

I think we’re starting to forge the bond. I mean, biasa la, mula2 ni kan mcm selalu miss kawan2 yg dulu and always have the thoughts of ‘if only they were here..’ but I’m just certain and know that we’re gonna be great over here :) Thanx korang!! May Allah bless us now, then and the hereafter, insyaAllah.

Happy Belated Birthday, M@iM0t! :) Oh by the way, today is Y@y@'s, my chaletmate back in college, birthday too!!! Haih.. rindu gile kat die. Sob2..

Reflection I

I believe in love. But I don’t believe in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. I’ve tried but I’m sorry, I just can’t. UNLESS I’ve been jinxed by what I’ve just typed. Hah hah hah.. It’s so funny when the sweetest couple on earth just broke up over some stupid reasons. It’s so funny when the awwwwww-you-guys-are-so-meant-to-be-together relationship has to end because the girl just met another better guy. These things always make me want to laugh. But not anymore though. Because it has become a common thing nowadays.

No, I’m neither the anti-couple nor pro-couple kind of person. I’m neutral for my own personal views. But just within these 24hours, three of my friends just broke up with their so-called sweethearts. I don’t know whether I should be sorry for them. Or should I not? Or should I just ignore, be selfish and go on with my own life? Whatever it is, good luck with your life my friends! Not that it’s something unexpected right? You should be expecting it from the beginning right? No I’m not being cynical but I just think you guys need to grow up first before making any stupid decisions. Be an adult! Get a brain! And then get a life!

Oh I’m not typing at 0230 just to tell you that. Hah.. Now, it’s time for some reflections.

You know how I’ve been quite emotional this lately; coping with John’s goodbye and catching up on studies. It’s quite difficult to handle especially when you’re not quite hormonally balanced if you get what I mean. But Alhamdulillah, Allah is indeed Al-Baasit, The Reliever. I’m getting better now and I’m slowly putting myself in acceptance. I know He must have His own reason for everything that happens around me because He knows best. And yes, I know John’s leaving is the best for me.

Last week, I promised myself to make a phone call to my patient to set a date and time for me to pay him a visit. But I kept on giving myself excuses as I was so nervous and edgy not knowing the right words to ask or say. I knew I had to do it anyway; the earlier the better. So after staring at my phone for quite a while and being unsure of myself whether or not to click the ‘Call’ button, I just rang him up last Friday anyhow. The ringing tone just didn’t get me through, really. Huhu.. Just a few seconds after that, his wife picked up the phone and I heard myself babbling pointlessly. Heh.. So, as what my patient’s wife and I had decided, I visited them this morning [I mean, yesterday morning. Sheesh, cepatnye masa berlalu!].

They live not that far from my place. 30min-walk was bearable and quite soothing actually. I’m quite lucky to get a patient who lives nearby, so that I don’t have to get on a bus or anything. Upon ringing the bell, his wife greeted me nicely and the introduction just went out fine, apart from me being a tad surprised with a presence of a dog inside the house. Heh.. Tapi anjing tu baik je. Comel plak tu. Heh.. Anyway, so I met my patient, finally! Yeay!!~ So that’s the exciting part.

The saddening part on the other hand is the fact that he’s suffering from Parkinson’s Disease (PD) as well as diabetes. His wife kindly printed me a list of medication for Mr James [not his real name, just for confidentiality] and I ran through the long list and thought, “Fuiyoo, banyaknye ubat!! Jenuh la nak makan!”. And then we had some chats.

Mr James is now 65 years old and he was first diagnosed with diabetes and PD 7 years and 5 years ago respectively. He’s been in Leicester since he got married and used to work as a police force and a security guard before he retired. He has a lovely 33 year-old son and two granddaughters [yea, that reminds me of John. Sigh..].

When his GP told him he had PD, he was quite annoyed and couldn’t accept the truth. He just didn’t believe that after all his life spent, he got to end up this way. It took him quite a while to admit it. At first he thought it was the end of everything, being diagnosed with a disease that doesn’t have any cure, for the time being. And he was very embarrassed with himself. It must have been hard for him to swallow everything in one go but he somehow got the strength to fight his life for the better.

After he got hold of the reality, he started to make full use of his new episode in his life. He joined this one Christian club for PD patients and he got the chance to meet other people who are just as unfortunate as him. The club was very useful for him and he came to realise that there are actually many people out there who suffer even more badly. Having very supportive family, neighbours, doctors and other people around makes him appreciate everything even more. He thinks he’s lucky to see the brighter side of his life. And I think so too.

Being in my position, it’s very heartbreaking to listen to other people’s story about how their lives have changed all together after a single simple diagnosis. I could tell from his eyes, how he’s fought very hard to keep his life moving on just as normally as other people’s life. When he was talking to me, he sometimes needed to pause for a while, getting the right nerve working for the right words to say. His body is shaking almost all the time especially his hands and he has a slight difficulty to talk sometimes and it’s very hard for me to see him that way, especially when he kept on hiding his hands from me.

As what it’s said in wikipedia about PD, it’s actually a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system (CNS) that often impairs the sufferer's motor skills and speech. Yes, it has something to do with the nerve. And you know what’s the most emotive and affecting part of this visit? “So do you know what you want to specialise in later on? Neurology?” and I just smiled and said “Well, yea, maybe :)” and that’s just the most encouraging part of all. Because all this while, I really have no idea which specialisation I’d be wanting to go for but there is an instinctive side of me saying that neurology would be the one. And Mr James did give me the hint, didn’t he? Oh well.. I know it’s not important at this stage but I’ll keep that in mind :)

After we chatted for 45 mins, his wife served me a cup and coffee and we had an informal conversation for another few minutes before I made my leave. Mr James and his wife had been very nice to me and I really learned a lot from this visit.

You know at one point, when you think your life is not good enough and you demand more than what you deserve, there are still so many people out there who are struggling hard to get what they actually ought to have. And at the other point, when you think you’re a hopeless failure and don’t feel belonged to the rest of the world, there are still people out there who’re suffering even more but strong enough to fight for their lives. And what’s more important is, as a muslim, we always and always have Allah beside us, all the time, guiding us, helping us to get through this unpredictable life and being there for us to depend on. And we should always be thankful for everything. And this life, this world, belong to Him and He could take them away from us just ANYTIME.

Of emotionally affected

“Hi, my name is Elvis.”

That was how he introduced himself during our first group work.

It has been only six weeks. Six weeks. Too early for someone to get personally attached to a person whom she’s known for these few brief weeks. But I accidentally and mistakenly did.

Elvis. That name was who we thought he is, for the first two weeks. Not until he told us the truth! “My name is actually John,” and we felt so stupid to be fooled by a person we barely knew. But as time goes by, he’s just the best guy I’ve ever known ever since I came to Leicester.

John’s 33 and already has two daughters, 7 and 12 years old. He used to be involving in Hotel Management for 10 years before he changed his field to nursing for another couple of years. It’s been a long journey before he got the chance to enrol into a medical school and we could tell how much effort he has sacrificed for that. Being the oldest in the group, he was always there for the rest of us, a ‘brother’ to whom we could talk just anything! He’s the best advisor and supporter in the group and always makes sure we’re on track and didn’t get too carried away with unnecessary things.

Just when we were about to build the strong bond, he encountered some financial and personal problems. And as everything seemed so helplessly inevitable, he didn’t have other choice but to quit medical school. Now, everything seems so dreadful and full of sorrow. I just don’t know why I couldn’t accept the fact that he’d no longer be there for the rest of us like he used to be. I keep on missing in the sea of thoughts ever since, denying the whole thing. It’s just hard for me to take it in. It’s just so hard. So hard.

You know how it feels when someone you love just gone and you know you would never get the chance to see that person again. As if he's dead! It’s a terrible thing to feel. I can’t perceive the fact that I could get so emotionally affected by someone whom I’ve just known for six weeks. I mean, how stupid is that? And how tortuous things can be? Kdg2 tertanya jugak kenapa eh Allah jumpakan aku dengan John and hilangkan dia dalam sekelip mata je. I always know the answer, of course, but I still need some time to seize everything as it is.

He knows how to make brotherly and fatherly jokes. He knows how to bring up a topic. He's smart and brilliant. He knows how to respect younger people. He knows how to bright up people's life. He just basically knows how to be a person. Now he's gone. Eerything seems so empty. And incomplete.

There's nothing much I can say but one thing for certain, if you were to be a doctor, you'd be more than just the best. Goodbye John!

Different

Life. Still goes on. Alhamdulillah. Another weekends arrived. Another day ended. Another night yet to be passed. Life. Still goes on.

I don’t know if it’s just me but things have been different. In many ways. I don’t know in what way. But I just feel different. No, not awkward. But different.

Yes, he finally showed up. H@fiz just appeared. Out of nowhere. No, he didn’t change anything. He didn’t say hello. But he did make me feel different. He might have graduated now, as Dr. H@fiz I presume. I don’t know. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I have a patient to meet next week. A person who’s suffering from Parkinson’s disease. Privately, in his house. With his family. Felt a tad excited at first. But the jitters just kicked in. I'm afraid if I caught myself being too emotional. And I’m afraid if I screwed up. I still can’t accept myself being a medic. I just feel different. Along Ima just had her exams. And she didn’t make out. The one and only one who did was the one who’d taken the exam for the third time. Third time. Yes, third time people. And I’m stuck here, being a very first year medic. Clueless. Full of uncertainties. Scared. And hopeless. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I have a brother, a medic as well. In his clinical year. Struggling hard, coping up with things. And he told me not to learn stuff just for passing the exams. But learn to be a good doctor. “Make sure you have anatomy and physiology off the top of your head. Nobody told me that. Along Ima pun baru bgtau. And now I’m regret for just wanting to pass the exams. I just want you to do well. And I want you to be better.” I know he’s my brother. And having a brother to say that is not something to be surprised over. But he’s Lupi. And that makes me feel different. Because he has never told me such thing that could cause me wept buckets. And I feel different. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I’ve gone to the Interprofessional Programme where I got the chance to meet other people from other disciplines. Pharmacy. Nursing. Social Work. My groupmates were great. We worked very well as a team. I really enjoyed the time. But working with the real people out there makes me feel different. I don’t think I’m prepared for that. It was a different environment. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I do skype with Mum everyday. I just had the chance to talk to Angah Aya, Abg @z@m and @ida for the first time yesterday. Can’t imagine how Angah Aya and Along Ima’s generation had survived those years without skype. Thanks to the technology. Nonetheless, despite of having the opportunity to talk to them face to face, I do feel far-off. It’s just different. Seeing Mum’s face. But can’t get near her. Can’t hug her. Can’t kiss her hand. It’s different. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I’ve been crapping like I have nothing else better to do.

But life.

Still goes on.

I know this is not the most perfect picture I've ever taken but it truely was the most perfect sunset I've ever seen. Sorry for the noise, my camera phone is different. And it couldn't do much :D Yep, life goes on.

I swear

I saw him.

It was really him.

He was there.

Right in front of my eyes.

After years and years.

He was really there.

I swear.

Of dreaming about her

Semalam aku mimpi @id@ tengah main buaian kat rumah Tok D@d. Dia tengah bergelak ketawa. Aku pergi kat @id@ and peluk dia. Tiba2 aku terjaga. Tengok2 jam baru kol 2.37 pagi. Pastu terus tak bleh tido smpai kol 3 lebih. Sekarang, aku rasa mcm nak nangis sebab sangat homesick :( Walaupun skype dengan Mum setiap hari, aku masih rasa sangat berjauhan. Sob2..

"Hai Na. Nice to hear from you. Hope na sihat and happy kat sana. We all semua sihat alhamdulillah. Angah Aya akan pasang streamyx next week, nanti boleh skype dgn na. Abg Azam nak pergi korea lagi. For 2 months. Aida mulut becok, sekarang tengah toilet train. Adam sihat, rambut lebat. InsyaAllah aqiqah next saturday. Na take care!"

Oh ye, tadi aku mengusha2 frenster. Sekali tu nampak la sorg kakak ni punya primary photo, aku sangat kenal gambar tu. Sudah semestinye la aku kenal sbb aku yg tangkap. Terkejut jugak la sebab akak ni 'is in your extended network'. Rupa2nya dia memang suka gambar2 aku kat flickr dan telah membuat extra editing dan meletakkannya di frensternye. Hmm.. Baru aku faham perasaan orang yang hasil usahanya di'plagiarise'. Tapi aku tanak la make a big fuss out of it. Dan aku pun terharu jugak sebab dia appreciate hasil usaha aku. Maka dengan itu, aku rasa bersalah sebab main letak sesuka hati gambar2 orang lain yg aku cilok from flickr. Oleh itu, akan aku berusaha utk meletakkan gambar yg aku tangkap sendiri. Oh!~

Of being dramatic. Haha..

Case 1:
You’ve emailed, you’ve googled, you’ve called, you’ve texted, you’ve ym-ed, you’ve done almost every single thing you could think of but the person seemed to be nowhere!

Case 2 (it’s more of an analogy):
When you were in secondary school, you hated this one person so much. You hoped that you and that person would be in different college later on. Few years later, your wish was materialised. You thought you’d be the happiest person in the world. But it didn’t stop there. Your best friend now was in the same college with that person and you had to listen to all stories coming about. And you prayed again that you’d never need to hear about that person again forever. But life is full of surprises; you got to see that person again in university for the next God-knows-how-many years to come. You came to realise that what you’d gone through all this while was not just in dramas or films, it was really happening in your life.

I started off my day today with emailing a friend, A about one stupid question: “Have you ever felt that your life is such a drama?”.

And then I asked another friend, B: “Do you have anyone in this world that you really want to meet but never got the chance. And at the same time having a person whom you really don’t want to see very close-by?”

And I answered them by myself: “Yes, I have. And yes I do.”

And I always tell my other friend, C: “I really can’t wait for the ending! I’m tired of passing the time.”

Every single person around us has their own roles to play. It’s either you like it or not. If you do like, you’d struggle so hard just to keep that person as close contact to you as possible. No matter how far they are from you, you’d find any way possible to make sure they’re fine, even without having you beside to look after them. And conversely, if you don’t, you’d pray day and night for them to just go away. It does not matter even if you have to trouble yourself. Your one ultimate objective is just to be as furthest as you could from that person.

But things.. do not always come easy. And things.. do not always turn out the way you want it to be. No matter how struggling you are to sketch your plans out, you would never be able to go against reality. And HE doesn’t need any plans because HE already knows what the outcome is. And I hope I’d never give up keeping on praying for the best ending.

“Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision. There is a part of the world that we are really blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny. When it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains aren't compensating. Maybe they're protecting us.”

Of Making A Choice

Sleepy . Lazy . Confused . Missing someone . Delighted . Thankful . Obliged . Indecisive . Etc .

Life is all about choice. No matter how hard you try to shun from making a decision, there’s always other choices coming on your way and you have to pick one, someday. You might choose not to make a choice but that’s just the stupidest thing to do. Because after all, choices are the reality of life and not deciding any means being in denial and that does not change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to face the world. And being in the position to choose can be hard, sometimes, especially when two desired choices overlapping each other and it need more than just one thought. But we have our ultimate way to get out of the predicament and that is by doing the istikharah; the prayer for seeking guidance. So why worry?

November’s coming. And tomorrow is going to be my 5th week of lecture. I’m not sure if I’ve been much occupied or what but time seems to sprint like flash this lately. Too many things came about that I don’t know which one to tell. I’m not really in the mood to blog actually but I just feel like writing something so here it goes the jottings.

Well, last Saturday we went to Oxford with some friends and seniors from Notts and Sheffield. It was very enlightening to meet my good friend from Sheffiled, tik@h and it was a good experience to wander around the town and looked at the architectural point of views of the dwellings, relating it to Islamic point of views. It was fun.

Then today, another group of friends from Warwick paid us a visit and we just went to the carboot where I got a rice cooker attached to a steamer for 5pounds! Yep, I’m pleased. Then we went for lunch at S@r@ restaurant somewhere in the town with Hi$y@m being the tourist guide yg takdela berjaya sangat. Hehe.. But we had fun though. Meeting college friends means missing every bit of college moment and saying goodbye is not something to be happy about. Hope there’s a next time.

Those are the main events for the moment. Rasanya laa. Oh and yea, I was mistakenly elected as the secretary of Leice$ter Univ. Malay$ian $ociety. Dalam banyak2 post, post tu jugak la yg dapat. Dah la mmg x suka betul jadik secretary ni. Tapi takdela menolak sangat. Dah dpt amanah tu, buat je la yg terbaik kan. Bila cakap pasal jawatan2 ni kan, aku mesti terigt kat @zmir, my senior housecaptain kat kolej dulu. “Jadi pemimpin bermakna meletakkan sebelah kaki di atas neraka.” Betapa nak menunjukkan beratnya amanah tu. Fuh.. Takpe, ikhlas and terbuka hati, that’s the key.

O Allah, I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and I seek Your assistance by Your Power and I ask You from Your immense favor, for verily you are able while I am not, and verily You know and I do not, and You are the knower of the unseen. O Allah if You know this affair is to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life and end (or he said my present and my future), then decree and facilitate it for me and bless me with it. And if You know this affair to be detrimental (harmful) for me concerning my religion, my life and end (or he said my present and my future), then remove it from me and remove me from it and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with it.

Of hopes and dreams

Couple of years ago, Abg Amir bought me a small notebook with a “Hopes and Dreams” neatly embossed on its front cover. I really sayang the book such that I didn’t know what to write in it. I was too picky choosing the right words to write. I’ve thought of writing some motivational quotes or anything like that but I don’t know why have I not written anything ever since. So I’ve left it unwritten for years and years.

When I was packing my stuff at home before my departure, deciding on what to bring, I somehow brought it along. Maybe it has some hidden personal meanings to me. I actually had a bitter experience before but as I grew up, I know it’s not worth withholding it to me. I think that book is what has kept me strong enough to drain everything away.

I thought the book would remain blank forever. But I somehow finally found something to be printed in it. And it really does give me hopes and dreams. Some of you might have been familiar with the script, some of might have not. But that’s just the beginning. There are plenty more to come, I hope.

Anyways, tadi tgh usha2 @d@m punye frenster, tetibe tenampak gmbr $T@RI@NS and lupi pon ade. Tadi sms ngan lupi. "Hehe org mmg suka letak gmbr aku dalam frenster diorg. Study hard, makan elok2 esok, have a good weekend tau, papehal call la aku kat skype, take care k.."

I can’t think of any one reason why I wanna be a surgeon,
But I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit,
They make it hard on purpose,
There are lives in our hands,
There comes a moment when it’s more than just a game,
And either we take that one step forward,
Or turn around and walk away,
I could quit,
But there is the thing;
I love the playing field.

Now I'm missing my brothers already :(

Of feeling pleased

Sometimes, when you think you can live on your own, you don’t need other people to make your life more evocative. I mean, all important people that you need are beyond your reach and you might just say to yourself, “Oh well, everything will be fine. These people I have around are more than enough to make me feel happy here,”. You think you’d be able to keep everything on pace; your emotions, your needs, your dislikes etc. And for that, you’re a true pretentious person who lives in a world of make-believe.

And to be honest with myself, I might be that kind of person, at times. Not until I realise that I actually need ‘other people’ to give me comfort once in a while.

“Jaga kesihatan tu sket. Sejuk2 ni, wear warm clothes, ok? Makan vitamin C and minum air banyak2. Jangan sibuk jaga camera tp kesihatan sniri tak terjaga. Kalau teruk sangat, nanti jumpa doc tau. Kalau melarat nanti susah. Get well soon ok. S doakan deyna cepat sembuh..”

To me, those are the simplest words you can say to a person who is suffering from a bad flu, like MOI~ I don’t know why I was so emotionally affected when S told me that. I mean, he is someone whom I’m not so close to, and we rarely chat in ym and at right this moment, when I just need some sort of support, he turned up. And if I must say, I really need that badly. But it’d be more beautiful if Mum said that though. But I don’t want to make Mum worried. I know I’d just be fine..

And that brought me to another thought: When you think you’re alone and no one is there to acknowledge your presence, HE is always there to listen to your heart :)

Allah is sufficient for us and He is an Excellent Guardian and we repose our trust in Allah.

flickr.photo

P/S: Thanx a lot, S. It’s very very nice and thoughtful of you..

Of Adam and Eid

First of all,

Secondly, Angah Aya dah deliver baby last 10/10 and it’s a boy :) Nama dia Encik Adam bin $h@hril @z@m. And accepting the fact that I now have 3 nephews already doesn’t help me to not feeling homesick. I’m terribly missing home now. I sooooo miss nazme, aida, effa and zarif and I am soooo looking forward to seeing adam with my own two eyes. Sob2.. Now I know how severe and awful the feeling of being away from home can be.

Celebrating raya in Leicester was fun anyway, esepcially when you intentionally skipped lectures and group work. Hehe... Albeit I keep feeling homesick every second, I did enjoy the Eid festival in Leicester together with brothers and sisters around. Walaupun melayu kat sini tak seramai tempat lain, I really feel the warmth of being a part of the family in Leicester and I am really glad to have these people around. Ketupat and ayam masak kicap, however, was never going to be available here so that’s the only reason for the incompleteness of my raya. But other food was as splendid though. Makan mmg tgk igt dunia, banyak gile. Hadui.. penat penat..

Other than that, everything here is going on fine. Lectures and studies seem to be quite manageable, FOR THE TIME BEING! Cuma hari tu mcm tensyen sket nak cope with studies but that’s just a normal process of adapting, I guess. Everything is ok now. Although I have quite a prob with my accommodation, I think I’ll just let everything be as it is. Though I really hope I could get myself transferred to another flat for some personal and financial reason. Still praying hard for that. Tapi kalau tak dpt, redha dan pasrah je la. Pandai2 laa buat gaya hidup orang kaya untuk setahun ni. Haha..

Oh and we, some of the first year students went to Nottingham the other day. Although the trip was quite short, we really had fun. K@k Z@ff@n, my senior back then in college brought us around the town and we met some of friends there. I don’t know why I didn’t seem to be familiar with Notts even though I’d been there once before, for Angah Aya’s graduation. The place was really foreign to me. Don’t know why.
Talking about Notts, Ru2@ini was there too, always high-spirited for ESQ. And talking about him, I just found out that @zhre3n’s, my coursemate who used to be my classmate in Langkawi, parents and her sister are also E$Q Alumni. Excited gile bile aku tau. Huhu.. She hasn’t got the chance to go sbb dia ada IB exam hari tu and x sempat nak pegi. And one more exciting news is, another alumnus is coming to UK soon. He’s going to do his PhD in Salford Univ, Manchester at which dad did his research couple of years ago. I was like, “waaah, bestnyee!!!” and I really miss the place. Huhu.. It’s so exciting to come to realization that I’m still connected to these people here in UK and I really hope that could help me maintaining the ‘momentum’. Now I start to miss ESQ. Hmm..

Well, if you might notice, I rarely update my bloggy like I used to dulu2. If you go back to 2005 archives and compare it with recent posts, the contents of my post are really deviating from the norm. Maybe I just have another way to express myself, which is by taking pictures. Or perhaps it’s just simply because more and more UNKNOWN YET NEARBY people are now starting to play ‘peek-a-boo’, if you get what I mean. I don’t really mind though, having these people read my blog, that is really fine with me. But I just don’t find the thrill to write anymore. I love this blog though so it does take me times to grind it to a halt.

So it’s 0000 now. I need to rest. AND SLEEP. Till then.. Salam~

Those were the days..

Sedang kami beborak ketika berbuka puasa dengan M$M di Loughborough:

Dina: Saya nak pergi PU1$1 tu tapi mak saya insyaAllah datang so x sure lg. Lagipun mmg nak pegi tmpt abang saya kat C0rk.
Kakak X: Owh abang awak dekat C0rk?
Dina: Ha'ah, senior akak dekat McB dulu.
Kakak X: Owh ye ke? Siapa?
Dina: Lutf!.

Kakak X terdiam, tersenyum sinis dan tersipu2 malu. Kuang kuang kuang..

And at right that moment, I got what that means and I smiled, imagining myself to be in her shoes. I probably did the same thing. Probably. Or I might just get silent and pretend like nothing happened, like I usually do.

Selepas beberapa ketika:

Kakak X: Alaa tapi tu dulu2 masa belum matang lagi. Masa kanak2 ribena lagi.

And I said to myself; Oh well.. If I were kanak2 ribena, I wouldn't have involved in such thing. It was really something that taught me to be more matured and grown up.

And I smiled at myself. Again.

What a memory. . . :)

Oh by the way, the light microscope that we use in Histo Lab is manufactured by Nik0n. No need to say more, do I?! Hah hah hah..

Going through

Wow, it’s October now and a couple of weeks left for Ramadhan. Time runs just so fast. Things in Leicester have been great. Though a tad exhausting, I’m still finding my feet. Lectures started this morning but since we’d gone through the orientation pretty well last week, we were not that unprepared. My group mates are cool. I haven’t get along with them that fine yet but they always put me in comfort, no matter what topic they’re discussing about. Well, of course things like drinking, clubbing and all are expected but I’m coping with it all right.

I’m not sure what I should write here, really. It’s just a new set of people around, new environment, new course, new experience and whatnot. Leicester is small town but accommodates quite a big number of people. It just gets very crowded when you go to the town during weekend and I found that quite loathsome. It’s a nice place for studying but you might want to get out of this place if you want more happening and cheerful environment. I might be biased but I think Manchester treats me better and I’m missing every bit of it.

Living here means being homesick for every second of your life. The first day I stepped my feet in the UK, everything reminds me of home, from the 13-hour journey to the smell of the wind. Having @SD@ nearby, walking down the road, listening to Will Y0ung’s song being aired doesn’t quite help. I’m missing home so much. But I’m proud to say that I haven’t wept ever since I came here so that’s a good achievement for me. Hahaha.. well, I did cry at the airport [Duh!] but things got calmer and I am chilled out now [not by the wind, of course!]. I think Allah materializes my wish for being strong to be apart from family because I just thought everything would be worse but it turned out just cool. Harapnye bekekalan la kan. Heh.. But Mum’s coming here this winter, insyaAllah dengan @nid n Ic@h so hopefully that would keep me strong for at least another 2-3 months. I’m having my one month winter break and so does Lupi so harapnye dpt la pegi Cork yg kononnye cantik tu.

Hmm.. well, I actually don’t have anything much in mind. Ic@h is sitting for her PMR this week. @nid is still frustrating with her trial results. The moment I got her sms, telling me her results, I wanted to give her a call immediately but I had not gotten any simcard then so I couldn’t. She got straight A’s but with only 7A1’s. To me that’s good enough. But of course it was devastating for her because first, she thinks if I could get straight A1’s for my trial, why can’t she? And second, she wanted to haunt for any express offer available but obviously she might get rejected straight away with such results. Well I really don’t know actually.

I had a thought over it and what came to my mind was, it’s not the capacity of your brain or how much knowledge you have in heart that helps you to get through but the beliefs you keep in your soul that counts the most. At least that is what I keep my strong grasp on all this while and if that seems to work then my theory might just be right. Being in my current position now might be the dream of many other people out there. Of course it is. It has been my dream as well. But never in a million year have I ever thought that everything I achieve today is all due to my struggle and pain. It’s not that I don’t believe in myself but I’d rather believe in HIM more. And you just won’t feel any happier than that. He knows what’s best for you and all you must do is work hard, keep on praying and never give up. I’ve talked about this banyak kali dah but sometimes we might just overlook it and when we didn’t get what we want, we’d pin other people/things.

Anyhow, I’m not intending to give any lecture whatsoever, just a little thought we could ponder upon.

Bilik tengah bersepah gile. Heh.. So I think I’d stop now. I’ll try to keep this bloggy updated as frequent as possible [I don’t know why people keep on checking this bloggy. It’s soo boringggg] and to all my girlfriends/boyfriends in other parts of the globe, do keep in touch!~ Marila bercuti ke Leicester, ade banyak restoran halal yg sangat sedap. Heeee :D So take care people! And do appreciate the remaining days of Ramadhan :) Salam~

No matter how hard the wind blows, no matter how scoching the sun is, no matter how cold the soil you stand on, it's HIM, the possessor of all strength upon which we should rely. To Nadhrah n Icah, good luck and all the best :) Miss you guys so much :(

Just smile, you'll light up the world like a christmas tree!

“Ala, tak boleh la tgk rumah ko.. Hari tu tak sempat..” :)
takpe, kalau ada rezeki lain kali, insyaAllah. All the best. And thanx :)

“Mak Na! Nazme love Mak Na!!”
and he hugged me :)

“Kite takkan gadoh pasal laki kan!!”
huwaa rindunye kamu!! :(

“But if your heart's not in it for real..please don't try to fake what you don't feel”
I guess ‘sorry’ is no longer the word. Congratulations! :)

“‘Aku tak risau pasal operation tu. Aku risau..takut-takut tak bangun lagi..’”
ya Allah ya Tuhanku, berikanlah M@k H@mid@h kekuatan untuk terus berjuang.

“Mr. Z: Tomorrow we’re gona have practical at 415. It is very important and make sure you turn up.
Us: What practical, sir? *confused*
Mr. Z: A2 practical.
Us: What????!!! But we have just finished the AS!!!! 415 pulak tu!!! *small voice at the back of our heads*
Mr. Z: I know you’re gona sit for it next year but we need to make a start on it. Do you have anything tomorrow after class?”
thanx for being a great teacher, mr. Z@bed :)

“take care deyna.. we're gonna miss you..”
thanx bro gigz, kak ila, emud, and the rest. It’s been a very memorable experience knowing cool people like you guys :)

“Hi.. I’m your pet bro. I’m the only guy yang simpan sikat dalam pencil case. If you wanna know who I am, ask the garnetors. Some of them know about this. Saiz kasut 9, saiz stoking 10. That’s all. Pliz reply and don’t forget to include your biodata.”
Hehe :D

“Oh, salah number”
huhu.. tak sangke bleh kenal awak dekat 3tahun dah. Sorry for everything. Sorry for treating you badly. May happiness always be with u..

“Takpe, we know what’s there. You’ve been the best. You’re a part of us..”
thanx a lot for everything guys :) you guys are just the greatest!!! To im and r0y, congratulations :) Although things wont be the same again, the memories will forever be kept in heart :)

“Sebab kau tak pernah rase mcm ni! Kau tak pernah sayang H@fiz!”
I’m so sorry for everything S@r@h, aku banyak buat salah. Kau banyak ajar aku..

“Kita saayaaang awak sangat!!”
I’m gonna miss those times. I’m gonna miss your voice, your laughter. Thanx for always be there, tirah :) sayang awk gak..

“Mr.Rahimy: SPM tak lama lagi so, cikgu tak masuk kelas, korg study sendiri. Kalau ada apa2 masalah boleh jumpa cikgu.
PUs: Dina ada banyak masalah, cikgu!!!
*He blushed again. Haha.. Tak gune punye classmate*
Dina: Tak de laa cikgu. Saya ok! Diorg je yg byk masalah. *Grins*
Mr.Rahimy: Ok Rushdina. Kalau ada masalah boleh jumpa cikgu.”
Huwaaaa rindunye kat maktab!!!!

“Hampeh tol anak bertuah ni! No hp kita pun dia tak save!!”
Hehe.. thanx for everything cikgu w@hid@ :) cikgu lah cikgu yg paling kewl dalam dunia. Thanx for being a great homeroom teacher. Thanx for letting me skip my prep times. Hehe.. Thanx for letting me use your washing machine and watch your tv malam2. Hehe.. Thanx for everything n anything.. Krm salam abg gary n baby carl :)

There are just too many to list down. And I cant list them all. Let me just keep them to myself.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, in this life, you have to be mean for other people’s sake. You have to be selfish for other people’s good. You can’t materialize their needs for better purposes. Even though it’s bitter to swallow, spiteful to seize. But you have got no choice.

Few more days to go and I’m off to the UK. I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know if I could find my bearings. Too many things to leave behind that I sometimes wish I could stay a bit longer. I know it’s gonna be a beginning to a very important stage of life but I’m still not strong enough to be apart from those I love.

I told f@rh@nis the other day, albeit I’m gonna have friends in Leicester later, it’s not really something that I can be glad about. Sometimes, being in a new place, with a new life n surroundings, you need to be in a complete unfamiliarity. So that you could cope with things a bit easier. Of course you want to be yourself and not try to be someone whom you’re not but to adapt yourself with a new environment, you need to change even a tad. And having your friends around might be a deterrent for you to change. But I’m not complaining though. I hope I would be happy living there.

This lately, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things. Having z@rif in the family, seeing Nazme effa and aida now grown up, knowing that I won’t be here to see angah aya’s new son, receiving news about H@fiz n Y@$min, knowing that im and r0y will be getting engaged and married soon, leaving my other friends behind and be even further apart, knowing that the next five years wont be a heaven, I really am in search of a very strong will. And guidance. And I know, He is AL-QAWI, the possessor of all strength.

Ya Allah, hanya padaMu tempat ku berlindung. Dan hanya padaMu jugalah tempat ku bermohon agar Kau berikan Ku kesabaran, ketenangan dan semangat yang kuat untuk mengharungi cubaan dan dugaan hidup ini. Hanya Kau yang tahu akan kebenarannya. Berikanlah aku petunjukMu, Ya Allah.

P/S: So sorry A$, I'm not ready for the commitment, yet. Hope you understand. Hope you get what you hope for :)

When I feel Like Flying

I just feel like typing something but I have a mixed feelings now. Don't feel like expressing it in here.

If I had a pair of wings,
I'd be flying freely,
By now,
Think nothing,
And feel thankful,
For everything,
That Allah has given to me,
But there's always something,
That gets into my way,
And makes things more complicated than ever,
Why must it be this way?

11. Moreover He comprehended in His design the sky, and it had been (as) smoke: He said to it and to the earth: "Come ye together, willingly or unwillingly." They said: "We do come (together), in willing obedience."
12. So He completed them as seven firmaments in two Days, and He assigned to each heaven its duty and command. And We adorned the lower heaven with lights, and (provided it) with guard. Such is the Decree of (Him) the Exalted in Might, Full of Knowledge.
41:11-12

SUBHANALLAH..

Salam Ramadhan to all :)