Stupidity vs Smartness

“Aku rasa bodoh sangat bila pikir masa dulu2 tu.. Kenapa la aku buat benda bodoh tu ek? Tak boleh terima betul. Hahaha..” said one of my friends, when we were harking back to the pasts, picking up the ones we really wanted to get over but happened to still appear at the back our minds, inadvertently.

I think it’s just normal for one to feel stupid over unacceptable mistakes that they had done when they were younger. I’ve felt the same way too, sometimes. You know when you just wish that you didn’t do it in the first place; and you think things wouldn’t be like they are now. But yea, there’s no such thing as ‘kebetulan’ in Islam. Everything happens with a reason so there’s no point of being regretful.

I have a thought about it and I think, why would you feel stupid over things that actually taught you to be a better person? I mean, yes you feel stupid but of course you learnt something from it as well. Come to think of it, you’re actually growing up and moving one step towards being smarter so you shouldn’t feel stupid, sensibly. And at the end of the day, just without your knowledge, you’d be thankful for everything that has happened. And at that point of your life, all you could do is just smile. And maybe, just maybe, wish it to happen again.

Oh anyways, I shouldn’t be crapping out at this hour and I should go to bed by now. Tomorrow is the ever-waited N0ttingh@m G@me$ and the bus is pulling off at 7. So I think I need to get some sleep now, unless I don’t mind to be left. Hehe.. I’m in the netball team but probably just stay in the sub through out. Don’t really mind actually. I’m just looking forward to meeting Lupi. Heh.. He’s playing football for Qu33n M@ry’s team [Duh!]. Otherwise, I just can’t wait to meet my college friends :D

Have a nice weekend people! :)

P/S: Since it’s only 2313 and still the 30th of Nov, I think it’s not too late to wish Abg Din a.k.a Bro Giggzmo a Happy 30th Birthday!~ Semoga dipanjangkan umur, dimurahkan rezeki dan ditetapkan iman :)

Boundaries

“I’ve so deeply treasured you..
How can I face you again?
I can’t. I just can’t.
Just go…”

I might not be the most emotionally sensitive kind of person in the world or so I think. But to tell you the truth, I do have some difficulties in handling my emotions sometimes. Not the hatred or rage kind of feelings. Alhamdulillah, whenever I feel annoyed or anything I manage to keep my head despite great complications or at least I try. No, not in that sense. I just get so easily moved by things, no matter how simple it may seem. Occasionally I would keep it to myself and just move ahead but if things happened to weigh me down greatly, I’d just break down and if I’m strong enough, I’d drain things away.

Today, I had Health and Disease in Populations (HaDPop) lecture. It’s the epidemiology part of medicine. At first I didn’t get my head around it as I understood not a single word in the workbook. But now, it is not that bad actually. I just feel responsible to appreciate Dr. R0n’s effort to make it as interesting subject as possible. And he did it very well, though he often makes nonsense of the topic but I guess it’s just his way.

Anyway, today we learnt something about 'Causality', how people have struggled since hundred of years ago to find out and comprehend the relationship between a disease and its causes. What really caught my ears was when Dr. R0n said something like this: “We have always believed that there must be a reason for a disease to come into existence. It doesn’t come from God, just like that.” Well, there might be many ways to interpret what he said but then, at that point, it’s very interesting to see how these people have worked their asses off figuring out the hidden secret of the world.

Ok, I may not make any sense and sound incomprehensible, I admit that but the main important thing is, these people have shown me and maybe other people like me, how limited our knowledge is when it comes to science. It’s very intriguing to hear my lecturers say, “yada yada yada.. yet we’re still unsure about that..” or “it’s still puzzling us how bla blab la” etc. Get what I mean? Ok, what I’m trying to say is, no matter how hard we try to understand the underlying reasons of anything, there are always some elements of limitations in our imagination and we could no way beat the Greatness of Allah, Al-‘Aliim, The Knower of All.

You know when you learn about all these stuff, the science thingy, you can’t run away from the signs of His presence. Yes, you know He exists but being a mundane human being, it’s just normal for you to need a proof to bring yourself round. He knows that, so He’s given us a lot of signs and guidance and when you see that thing in front of your eyes, then you’ll become more convinced and certain. But yeah, yet we are still being ignorance and do not care about anything.

Well, that’s not exactly what I want to relate the ‘emotions’ part to. In the lecture, Dr. R0n gave us some examples regarding the topic. And when it came to ‘Mesothelioma is associated with exposure to asbestos – no other factors are significant causes of mesothelioma (which is a reportable occupationally related disease)’ I just called someone to my mind.

I’ve never heard of mesothelioma before, not until I knew it from M0bileMum [or we often address her as MM]. Yep, as you can see at the sidebar of this site, there’s a purple icon button that links to her blog. I used to visit her blog quite regularly and not until she decided to call a halt to blogging. There are just so many things to say about MM but whenever she appeared in the box of my head, I just miss her writings and how they affected my perceptions about life. “During a routine medical check up, it was one of the blood test I request that tells me I have cancer. Listen to our body.” And now that she’s stopped blogging and I haven’t contacted her ever since, I hope she’s doing ok and happy with her life.

Seeing MM going through all those difficulties and she survived, I always pray for the same thing to happen to my aunty. It was really hard for everyone to take in the truth when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer but alhamdulillah, she’s still fighting for her life now and I’ll keep on praying hard that she would never give up.

After all, everything is written in the book. And He indeed knows everything.

Of Celebrating Birthday at Nand0s

Have you ever felt, at one point of your daily life; you just had a strong feeling to be all alone, indulging yourself in your own space, your own world, not thinking about anything, not sensing the presence of the rest of the world, feeling so peaceful that you just want to stay that way forever.

Well, I’ve felt the urge. But I’ve never had those times.

Urgh, ape aku merepek ni? Ok, I’m actually skipping my lecture this morning, intentionally because I slept quite late last night and I could no way wake up early just for an 8.30-lecture. So, I’m supposed to be studying now. Sigh..

Oh by the way, we, the first years had a great night yesterday. Last Monday was M@i’s birthday so we planned to treat her dinner at Nandos. Although it was not really well-planned sbb minggu ni semua org sibuk [except me sbb my programmes semua dah abes last two weeks :D] it did turn out a blast!

I think we’re starting to forge the bond. I mean, biasa la, mula2 ni kan mcm selalu miss kawan2 yg dulu and always have the thoughts of ‘if only they were here..’ but I’m just certain and know that we’re gonna be great over here :) Thanx korang!! May Allah bless us now, then and the hereafter, insyaAllah.

Happy Belated Birthday, M@iM0t! :) Oh by the way, today is Y@y@'s, my chaletmate back in college, birthday too!!! Haih.. rindu gile kat die. Sob2..

Reflection I

I believe in love. But I don’t believe in boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. I’ve tried but I’m sorry, I just can’t. UNLESS I’ve been jinxed by what I’ve just typed. Hah hah hah.. It’s so funny when the sweetest couple on earth just broke up over some stupid reasons. It’s so funny when the awwwwww-you-guys-are-so-meant-to-be-together relationship has to end because the girl just met another better guy. These things always make me want to laugh. But not anymore though. Because it has become a common thing nowadays.

No, I’m neither the anti-couple nor pro-couple kind of person. I’m neutral for my own personal views. But just within these 24hours, three of my friends just broke up with their so-called sweethearts. I don’t know whether I should be sorry for them. Or should I not? Or should I just ignore, be selfish and go on with my own life? Whatever it is, good luck with your life my friends! Not that it’s something unexpected right? You should be expecting it from the beginning right? No I’m not being cynical but I just think you guys need to grow up first before making any stupid decisions. Be an adult! Get a brain! And then get a life!

Oh I’m not typing at 0230 just to tell you that. Hah.. Now, it’s time for some reflections.

You know how I’ve been quite emotional this lately; coping with John’s goodbye and catching up on studies. It’s quite difficult to handle especially when you’re not quite hormonally balanced if you get what I mean. But Alhamdulillah, Allah is indeed Al-Baasit, The Reliever. I’m getting better now and I’m slowly putting myself in acceptance. I know He must have His own reason for everything that happens around me because He knows best. And yes, I know John’s leaving is the best for me.

Last week, I promised myself to make a phone call to my patient to set a date and time for me to pay him a visit. But I kept on giving myself excuses as I was so nervous and edgy not knowing the right words to ask or say. I knew I had to do it anyway; the earlier the better. So after staring at my phone for quite a while and being unsure of myself whether or not to click the ‘Call’ button, I just rang him up last Friday anyhow. The ringing tone just didn’t get me through, really. Huhu.. Just a few seconds after that, his wife picked up the phone and I heard myself babbling pointlessly. Heh.. So, as what my patient’s wife and I had decided, I visited them this morning [I mean, yesterday morning. Sheesh, cepatnye masa berlalu!].

They live not that far from my place. 30min-walk was bearable and quite soothing actually. I’m quite lucky to get a patient who lives nearby, so that I don’t have to get on a bus or anything. Upon ringing the bell, his wife greeted me nicely and the introduction just went out fine, apart from me being a tad surprised with a presence of a dog inside the house. Heh.. Tapi anjing tu baik je. Comel plak tu. Heh.. Anyway, so I met my patient, finally! Yeay!!~ So that’s the exciting part.

The saddening part on the other hand is the fact that he’s suffering from Parkinson’s Disease (PD) as well as diabetes. His wife kindly printed me a list of medication for Mr James [not his real name, just for confidentiality] and I ran through the long list and thought, “Fuiyoo, banyaknye ubat!! Jenuh la nak makan!”. And then we had some chats.

Mr James is now 65 years old and he was first diagnosed with diabetes and PD 7 years and 5 years ago respectively. He’s been in Leicester since he got married and used to work as a police force and a security guard before he retired. He has a lovely 33 year-old son and two granddaughters [yea, that reminds me of John. Sigh..].

When his GP told him he had PD, he was quite annoyed and couldn’t accept the truth. He just didn’t believe that after all his life spent, he got to end up this way. It took him quite a while to admit it. At first he thought it was the end of everything, being diagnosed with a disease that doesn’t have any cure, for the time being. And he was very embarrassed with himself. It must have been hard for him to swallow everything in one go but he somehow got the strength to fight his life for the better.

After he got hold of the reality, he started to make full use of his new episode in his life. He joined this one Christian club for PD patients and he got the chance to meet other people who are just as unfortunate as him. The club was very useful for him and he came to realise that there are actually many people out there who suffer even more badly. Having very supportive family, neighbours, doctors and other people around makes him appreciate everything even more. He thinks he’s lucky to see the brighter side of his life. And I think so too.

Being in my position, it’s very heartbreaking to listen to other people’s story about how their lives have changed all together after a single simple diagnosis. I could tell from his eyes, how he’s fought very hard to keep his life moving on just as normally as other people’s life. When he was talking to me, he sometimes needed to pause for a while, getting the right nerve working for the right words to say. His body is shaking almost all the time especially his hands and he has a slight difficulty to talk sometimes and it’s very hard for me to see him that way, especially when he kept on hiding his hands from me.

As what it’s said in wikipedia about PD, it’s actually a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system (CNS) that often impairs the sufferer's motor skills and speech. Yes, it has something to do with the nerve. And you know what’s the most emotive and affecting part of this visit? “So do you know what you want to specialise in later on? Neurology?” and I just smiled and said “Well, yea, maybe :)” and that’s just the most encouraging part of all. Because all this while, I really have no idea which specialisation I’d be wanting to go for but there is an instinctive side of me saying that neurology would be the one. And Mr James did give me the hint, didn’t he? Oh well.. I know it’s not important at this stage but I’ll keep that in mind :)

After we chatted for 45 mins, his wife served me a cup and coffee and we had an informal conversation for another few minutes before I made my leave. Mr James and his wife had been very nice to me and I really learned a lot from this visit.

You know at one point, when you think your life is not good enough and you demand more than what you deserve, there are still so many people out there who are struggling hard to get what they actually ought to have. And at the other point, when you think you’re a hopeless failure and don’t feel belonged to the rest of the world, there are still people out there who’re suffering even more but strong enough to fight for their lives. And what’s more important is, as a muslim, we always and always have Allah beside us, all the time, guiding us, helping us to get through this unpredictable life and being there for us to depend on. And we should always be thankful for everything. And this life, this world, belong to Him and He could take them away from us just ANYTIME.

Of emotionally affected

“Hi, my name is Elvis.”

That was how he introduced himself during our first group work.

It has been only six weeks. Six weeks. Too early for someone to get personally attached to a person whom she’s known for these few brief weeks. But I accidentally and mistakenly did.

Elvis. That name was who we thought he is, for the first two weeks. Not until he told us the truth! “My name is actually John,” and we felt so stupid to be fooled by a person we barely knew. But as time goes by, he’s just the best guy I’ve ever known ever since I came to Leicester.

John’s 33 and already has two daughters, 7 and 12 years old. He used to be involving in Hotel Management for 10 years before he changed his field to nursing for another couple of years. It’s been a long journey before he got the chance to enrol into a medical school and we could tell how much effort he has sacrificed for that. Being the oldest in the group, he was always there for the rest of us, a ‘brother’ to whom we could talk just anything! He’s the best advisor and supporter in the group and always makes sure we’re on track and didn’t get too carried away with unnecessary things.

Just when we were about to build the strong bond, he encountered some financial and personal problems. And as everything seemed so helplessly inevitable, he didn’t have other choice but to quit medical school. Now, everything seems so dreadful and full of sorrow. I just don’t know why I couldn’t accept the fact that he’d no longer be there for the rest of us like he used to be. I keep on missing in the sea of thoughts ever since, denying the whole thing. It’s just hard for me to take it in. It’s just so hard. So hard.

You know how it feels when someone you love just gone and you know you would never get the chance to see that person again. As if he's dead! It’s a terrible thing to feel. I can’t perceive the fact that I could get so emotionally affected by someone whom I’ve just known for six weeks. I mean, how stupid is that? And how tortuous things can be? Kdg2 tertanya jugak kenapa eh Allah jumpakan aku dengan John and hilangkan dia dalam sekelip mata je. I always know the answer, of course, but I still need some time to seize everything as it is.

He knows how to make brotherly and fatherly jokes. He knows how to bring up a topic. He's smart and brilliant. He knows how to respect younger people. He knows how to bright up people's life. He just basically knows how to be a person. Now he's gone. Eerything seems so empty. And incomplete.

There's nothing much I can say but one thing for certain, if you were to be a doctor, you'd be more than just the best. Goodbye John!

Different

Life. Still goes on. Alhamdulillah. Another weekends arrived. Another day ended. Another night yet to be passed. Life. Still goes on.

I don’t know if it’s just me but things have been different. In many ways. I don’t know in what way. But I just feel different. No, not awkward. But different.

Yes, he finally showed up. H@fiz just appeared. Out of nowhere. No, he didn’t change anything. He didn’t say hello. But he did make me feel different. He might have graduated now, as Dr. H@fiz I presume. I don’t know. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I have a patient to meet next week. A person who’s suffering from Parkinson’s disease. Privately, in his house. With his family. Felt a tad excited at first. But the jitters just kicked in. I'm afraid if I caught myself being too emotional. And I’m afraid if I screwed up. I still can’t accept myself being a medic. I just feel different. Along Ima just had her exams. And she didn’t make out. The one and only one who did was the one who’d taken the exam for the third time. Third time. Yes, third time people. And I’m stuck here, being a very first year medic. Clueless. Full of uncertainties. Scared. And hopeless. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I have a brother, a medic as well. In his clinical year. Struggling hard, coping up with things. And he told me not to learn stuff just for passing the exams. But learn to be a good doctor. “Make sure you have anatomy and physiology off the top of your head. Nobody told me that. Along Ima pun baru bgtau. And now I’m regret for just wanting to pass the exams. I just want you to do well. And I want you to be better.” I know he’s my brother. And having a brother to say that is not something to be surprised over. But he’s Lupi. And that makes me feel different. Because he has never told me such thing that could cause me wept buckets. And I feel different. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I’ve gone to the Interprofessional Programme where I got the chance to meet other people from other disciplines. Pharmacy. Nursing. Social Work. My groupmates were great. We worked very well as a team. I really enjoyed the time. But working with the real people out there makes me feel different. I don’t think I’m prepared for that. It was a different environment. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I do skype with Mum everyday. I just had the chance to talk to Angah Aya, Abg @z@m and @ida for the first time yesterday. Can’t imagine how Angah Aya and Along Ima’s generation had survived those years without skype. Thanks to the technology. Nonetheless, despite of having the opportunity to talk to them face to face, I do feel far-off. It’s just different. Seeing Mum’s face. But can’t get near her. Can’t hug her. Can’t kiss her hand. It’s different. But life. Still goes on.

Yes, I’ve been crapping like I have nothing else better to do.

But life.

Still goes on.

I know this is not the most perfect picture I've ever taken but it truely was the most perfect sunset I've ever seen. Sorry for the noise, my camera phone is different. And it couldn't do much :D Yep, life goes on.

I swear

I saw him.

It was really him.

He was there.

Right in front of my eyes.

After years and years.

He was really there.

I swear.

Of dreaming about her

Semalam aku mimpi @id@ tengah main buaian kat rumah Tok D@d. Dia tengah bergelak ketawa. Aku pergi kat @id@ and peluk dia. Tiba2 aku terjaga. Tengok2 jam baru kol 2.37 pagi. Pastu terus tak bleh tido smpai kol 3 lebih. Sekarang, aku rasa mcm nak nangis sebab sangat homesick :( Walaupun skype dengan Mum setiap hari, aku masih rasa sangat berjauhan. Sob2..

"Hai Na. Nice to hear from you. Hope na sihat and happy kat sana. We all semua sihat alhamdulillah. Angah Aya akan pasang streamyx next week, nanti boleh skype dgn na. Abg Azam nak pergi korea lagi. For 2 months. Aida mulut becok, sekarang tengah toilet train. Adam sihat, rambut lebat. InsyaAllah aqiqah next saturday. Na take care!"

Oh ye, tadi aku mengusha2 frenster. Sekali tu nampak la sorg kakak ni punya primary photo, aku sangat kenal gambar tu. Sudah semestinye la aku kenal sbb aku yg tangkap. Terkejut jugak la sebab akak ni 'is in your extended network'. Rupa2nya dia memang suka gambar2 aku kat flickr dan telah membuat extra editing dan meletakkannya di frensternye. Hmm.. Baru aku faham perasaan orang yang hasil usahanya di'plagiarise'. Tapi aku tanak la make a big fuss out of it. Dan aku pun terharu jugak sebab dia appreciate hasil usaha aku. Maka dengan itu, aku rasa bersalah sebab main letak sesuka hati gambar2 orang lain yg aku cilok from flickr. Oleh itu, akan aku berusaha utk meletakkan gambar yg aku tangkap sendiri. Oh!~

Of being dramatic. Haha..

Case 1:
You’ve emailed, you’ve googled, you’ve called, you’ve texted, you’ve ym-ed, you’ve done almost every single thing you could think of but the person seemed to be nowhere!

Case 2 (it’s more of an analogy):
When you were in secondary school, you hated this one person so much. You hoped that you and that person would be in different college later on. Few years later, your wish was materialised. You thought you’d be the happiest person in the world. But it didn’t stop there. Your best friend now was in the same college with that person and you had to listen to all stories coming about. And you prayed again that you’d never need to hear about that person again forever. But life is full of surprises; you got to see that person again in university for the next God-knows-how-many years to come. You came to realise that what you’d gone through all this while was not just in dramas or films, it was really happening in your life.

I started off my day today with emailing a friend, A about one stupid question: “Have you ever felt that your life is such a drama?”.

And then I asked another friend, B: “Do you have anyone in this world that you really want to meet but never got the chance. And at the same time having a person whom you really don’t want to see very close-by?”

And I answered them by myself: “Yes, I have. And yes I do.”

And I always tell my other friend, C: “I really can’t wait for the ending! I’m tired of passing the time.”

Every single person around us has their own roles to play. It’s either you like it or not. If you do like, you’d struggle so hard just to keep that person as close contact to you as possible. No matter how far they are from you, you’d find any way possible to make sure they’re fine, even without having you beside to look after them. And conversely, if you don’t, you’d pray day and night for them to just go away. It does not matter even if you have to trouble yourself. Your one ultimate objective is just to be as furthest as you could from that person.

But things.. do not always come easy. And things.. do not always turn out the way you want it to be. No matter how struggling you are to sketch your plans out, you would never be able to go against reality. And HE doesn’t need any plans because HE already knows what the outcome is. And I hope I’d never give up keeping on praying for the best ending.

“Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in its field of vision. There is a part of the world that we are really blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny. When it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains aren't compensating. Maybe they're protecting us.”