Chemistry

Sometimes, when you’re close to someone, you just can’t expect too much from that person. You think you've known him too well, you think there’s no word ‘offence’ between both of you but you’re just wrong. You think IT’s there, but it isn’t. THE CHEMISTRY is just not there. It’s hurtful to think about it but it’s not something that you make from thinking. It comes from within. Or maybe it's just me who have changed.

My chemistry paper is in a couple of hours’ time. Wish me luck :)

P/S: I’m sorry..

Consistency

Alhamdulillah, my biology paper is finally over. And yes, SAY NO TO BIO!! Fine, that’s only applicable for the mo. I’m going to face it again during my degree years anyway. Hmm..but whatever it is, no more crop plants, no more lowland gorillas and African elephants, no more mutant X and whatnots. And nope, I’m not relieved just yet, I have another killer chemistry paper 4 this Friday so yep, life must go on..

I’ve been feeling good these few days, thank to Allah. I’m not really sure why but I keep on smiling to myself, thinking about how my future would be. I mean, what I plan is not necessarily going to turn out the way I want it to be and unexpected things keep on showing up all of a sudden, out of nowhere. But putting so much thought on it kinda amuses me in a way. Ntah.. banyak sangat berangan kot sampai jadik kerang busuk..

This morning, on my way back from the surau to my chalet, I saw the sun is rising, coloring the sky with a tinge of red and blue so I ran to my chalet, grabbed my Oly and snapped some pictures. The thing is, I don’t have a tripod so the photos are kinda blur. And I was a bit upset with my oly sebab tgh syok2 release shutter, tetibe bateri habes. Bengong betul.. but I’m satisfied with the results though. I just got them resized and jerry-rigged to overcome the shaking effects but it doesn’t quite work though. Hah hah.. But wth, I like it.

Currently, I’m practicing the concept of ‘istiqamah’ in whatever I do. To be a healthy person [B@d punye pasal la ni bagi buku ‘The 100 simple secrets of Healthy People’. Kan dah OUCH gile sebab selalu ternak lemak je kat dalam chalet petang2], I need a consistent healthy lifestyle like reduce my sugar uptake everyday, drink a lot of plain water, JOG! or do any sort of exercise eg. swim for 16 laps [yes im, I’m now on the count of 16. Need some time to get it raised. Hakhak..] and cut my caffeine consumption.

To be a good photographer, I need to do a lot of research especially on buying new DSLR, learn the basic terms before going any further, talk to and ask sifus and other professional photogs, MAKE NOTES! [yes, now I have my own note book for photography. Tu la pulun namenye. Hah hah..] and join the forum.

To get good results for my exams, I need to have a steadfast revisions and practises.

And yes, nak hafal and hayati Quran pun kene istiqamah jugak. Biar satu hari satu ayat pun, yang penting kuat semangat and istiqamah :)

"And We have made your sleep as a thing for rest. And We have made the night as a covering (through its darkness). And We have made the day for livelihood. And We have built above you seven strong (heavens). And We have made (therein) a shining lamp (sun)," The Great News, 78: 9-13.

Mystery Solved

MARA has finally approved our firm and insurance universities. Well, in my case, I don’t have any insurance univ. Ok, so everyone is questioning why I didn’t put Notts as my insurance. Mum pun macam, “Laa kenapa tak letak insurance??” and so on and so forth. The thing is, I filled in the form masa tgh takde mood and macam, what’s the point of having insurance university that entails higher requirements? I want to forget everything about Notts because no matter what my results turn out to be, I’m going to Leicester anyway. It’s either I fly or I don’t. So, yea, goodbye Nottingham. I had a great venture of life thinking about you :)

I’m going back tomorrow. I have to get my passport renewed because I need to have visa before I can fly off to Beijing [so yea, I’m going to Beijing after my finals. Mystery solved! tp tu pun kalo visa lepas ar. Kalo tak lepas, maknenye...berangan je la] and I need to replenish my food stock and other stuff. Duit dah habes! Tu ar, boros lagi. Haha.. And oh yea, the TT crew is going to have another TT session on this 15th July in Bangi, one day before I fly off to Beijing and it’s the most awaited moment for me to meet up all those taikos and otais especially p3t3r L!m!!!! and others. But the thing is, sume yang pegi tu sume otai2. Aku ni, budak tadika yg taktau pape. Malu ar nak join professional2 ni. Dah la aku takde kawan! Ngahaha.. But I’ll try to make it la. Tolong la, masa keemasan I tau! I hope I would be able to go.

I don’t really have things to blog about actually. Just feel like hitting this keyboard. I’m experiencing a hard phase handling with my emotions these few days. Tu la, kalau dah ade masalah hati memang susah kan. Sape suruh carik pasal kan. Padan muke la kan. But I'll try not to have it dragged and distracting. TOUGH!~ I’m going to miss Nazme because he’s going to Kota Bharu with Effa, Along Ima and the maid this weekend so aku x sempat nak jumpe. Along Ima has a medical conference ape tah. Abg N0rman tak ikut. Jadi, aku akan merindui nazme dan effa :(

Ok, I need to study for my other papers. My bio paper the other day was ok anyway. No further explanation ok :) Take care, have a nice day!

I love this pic :) Congrats to myself. Hehe..

On YOU I Depend

One day before I had my Notts interview, Along Ima called me to give her final words. “Don’t be panic. Just smile, be confident and be friendly. Ala takyah risau. Matsaleh2 tu takde kuasa pun. Every decision that they make is all comes from Allah. Apa2 hal pun, Allah yang tentukan segalanya..” and I heaved a sigh of relief.

Tomorrow is going to be dreadful as the first part of my battle is going to take place. I tried to calm myself down these few days but I couldn’t hide myself from sensing the jitters.

But I know no matter how afraid or nervous I am, He will always and always and always be beside me. Someone reminds me of this yesterday and albeit it may sound so cliché, it really gives me inner strength and I dare say this is what makes me strong to overcome the pace.

And for those who fear Allah, He (ever) prepares a way out, And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is ((Allah)) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion. At-Talaq: 2-3.

It might seem simple and easy but to really be tawakkal to Allah without having a slight doubt inside is not as straightforward as it may appear. I’ve been hearing about tawakkal ever since I learnt about it but I had never avoided myself from having the thought of “Alaa kalau tak pas macam mana?” and in this present case, “Alamak, kalau tak lepas requirement university mcm mana? Kalau tak lepas requirement MARA macam mana?”. I can’t keep myself away from that kind of devilish thoughts in mind. It just comes naturally. And without me realizing, they make me afraid to keep moving on in this life.

But yep, I forgot about what Allah has promised in the Quran. If you really, I mean REALLY have a TOTAL DEPENDENCE on Allah, you would never be worried about how your results would come about at the end of the day. Even if you got the worse, you would never feel poignant. NEVER! And that’s when you get to taste the sweetest feelings between you and Allah and you would never dare to question Him over what He has destined you for.

For the moment, I just want to be close to Him. All I want is His LOVE and with that, I will never be alone and will always have Someone beside to look after me especially when I’m away from my beloved family and friends.

Wish Me Luck! :)

Just

"Belajar rajin-rajin for the second year ok. Remember, jangan last minute study. Prepare early, tak menyesal nanti. Good Luck!"

Sometimes, the furthest, most unconnected, least expected people can be so close. JUST SO CLOSE.

Messages

I have a few announcements to make [mind you, this is not a blog entry.]:

• A special note to all teachers: HAPPY TEACHERS’ DAY :)
• Special note to imran daniel: I did 13 laps! Don’t play-play with me ok. I didn’t kiciwakan my speedo u know!
• Note to chocolate lovers: Mars starts using animal products.
• Note to those who are interested to join the ESQ Training:

- Free ESQ Preview; 19/05/07 9.00 am – 11.30 am; Perdana Ballroom Bukit Jalil Country & Golf Resort, KL
- Training ESQ Johor Angkatan 1; 25 – 27 May 2007; Persada JB
- Training ESQ KL Angkatan 8; 8-10 June 2007; Hotel Istana Kuala Lumpur. Any inquiries can be attended to me or visit ESQ Malaysia.

• And to all beloved readers: Enjoy the new uploaded song. My fav, SyurgaMu by Ungu. Have a nice day :)
  

In Loving Memory

Did you see Transformers when you were kids? Dulu masa kecik2 aku lupi n abg amir layan gak katun tu. Siap beli robot tu lagi. Tapi tu dulu la. Now, I’m trying to transform myself into a robot that doesn’t feel and doesn’t have emotions. Have you seen Equilibrium? Best gile cite ni. It’s about a community of people who are adhered to the rules of having no emotions. Everyday they have to take in few doses of drugs at particular times to make sure they do not perceive a life as a normal human. They are taught and somewhat forced to be unfamiliar with anger, love, hatred, frustration and other forms of emotion. They cannot listen to music, cannot paint or involve in any sort of arts, cannot read poetries simply because those arts would trigger their emotion and feelings. If they were caught doing one of those, they would be sentenced to death. Sort of la.. So, I’m struggling not to be sentimental and get too absorbed by my sensitive sentiments especially at this period of time. Susah tau jadik orang yang sensitive ni. Sikit2 emotional, sedih, terharu, terkilan segala bagai. Aduhai…

Why, you ask? Since we’re approaching the end of the road, after which everyone would disperse and go on with their path, I couldn’t be helped but being a typical me. Smalam bila duk study kat library, refrigerate myself, borak2 and bergelak ketawa [ha’ah, memang tak study. Buat dosa je keje. Astaghfirullah..] tibe2 rase sedih sebab dah nak abes kolej. Most of the classes has called to an end and dah takde kelas dah lepas ni sampai la abes kolej. Bile tengok member2, nanti mesti rindu kat diorang. I have to admit that I really love them more than just friends. Well, some of them la. They are like brothers and sisters yang duk sakat menyakat each other, dengki n gadoh2 mcm budak kecik. @qt@r yang sangat banyak cakap n kelakar n mulut kadang2 laser n pandai n selalu bagi ceramah free pasal comparative religion, m0m@d yang suke menyakitkan hati but at the same time light my days up, s@r@h yang sanggup menggadaikan masa jiwa raga dan tenaga duk menempek tepi tingkap borak2 sampai tak ingat dunia, Y@y0 iJun and ying de3 my supportive and lovely chaletmates who always be beside me and eat a lot together [the cookie monsters society rulez! Yeay!], 0z@ir fE3r@ @I$y@h yang sering menjadi teman seperjuangan yang setia, ij@ @iz@ and the rest of the diamonders yang sangat sporting n kelakar n lawak n sabar melayan kerenah aku, my maths bio n chemistry classmates who have helped me a lot in studies and have been beside from the beginning and work all-out together for tests and exams, my MARA scholars who have been sticking together since the first day in college, my medic peeps, beloved juniors and simply E.V.E.R.Y.O.N.E!!

Ok, I won’t let myself get too carried away this time.

So, we went for morning walk this morning. 6.40am. Me with nothing, Fir@ with her D80, m@r with Qi|@h’s Lumix and n@i|i with her new Olympus. We were on the quest of shooting some sunrise photos but the sun was a bit shy to show off. So we ended up taking nasty pictures and play basketball instead. No, I didn’t bring my Oly sebab takde nafsu nak menangkap gambar mase tu with my Oly. But I did try snap some pictures using Fir@’s cam though. It was awesome!!! Serious. I should really get one for myself. After putting so much thought on it, I think I would go for D80. Kalo tak pun D70s ar. I’m planning to buy it next week if I were to go back home but still tak sure lagi. But definitely before flying off to somewhere-cannot-be-named-yet.

Since we’re gona have one week after final exams, everybody has started to plan that week out. M@r is planning to bring her videocam. Some are planning to have a movie marathon. Some are planning to do nasty things like climb up the water tank etc. Me? I’m not planning anything since I won’t be around from the 14th till 22nd. My last paper is on the 13th. I won’t be going to Students’ Dinner and still unsure about the Awards Day. If it’s to be held on the 23rd, then I will be around for the awards day. If not, I should say goodbye a little bit earlier. At first, I was a bit indecisive about going to that somewhere-cannot-be-named-yet tapi bile pikir2 balik, aku x leh la spend banyak mase dgn kawan2 sgt sbb nanti aku jadik sentimental sgt. Leceh. So, lebih baik bersentimental dengan family. Huhu..

Hari ni last day ESQ Training angkatan 7. Rindu pulak nak pergi training lagi. Harap sangat dpt pegi lagi before fly nnt. So this might be the last post until I’m done with my finals. Well, there’s a little bit of doubt inside though coz I’m not sure if I could resist [hehe] but let’s just try. I really need to be serious this time. I mean, real attention, enough crapped, enough said.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum :) Come what may, I will love you until my dying day.

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

Spastiko

LIVE TELECAST FROM BANGI KOPITIAM!!

Yang ade sekarang nih:

1) Tengku @h T3d
2) Tengku @h Gr0m
3) Tengku @h T0rqu3

Nasi Ayam Hailam sepinggan dah abis kena telan oleh T3d. Roti bakar 2 set ada atas meja..air dah seround...Aaaaa!! Tengku @h Bimmerman (Taiko Otai Motorsport) sudah mari....tengah tunggu Otai Motorsport lain mari....

Sekarang T3d tgh call Ser0j@2007.....nak mintak supply make-up artist untuk shoot Ahad ni...(korang ada kenal tak make-up artist? Kasi contact sama Tengku @h T3d).

Aaa ok..aku chup kejap nak makan roti bakar..Gr0m dah jeling semacam jer roti tu kang aku tak merasa plak....

Ehh!! Mee Hailam Gr0m dah tiba!!! BUAHAHAHAH!! Tunggu apa lagi...
PAUUU!!! PAAAAOOWWWW!!

Ini adalah photographer2 spastik Sek0l@h F0t0gr@fi C$. Diorang buat TT [Teh Tarik. Kire macam gathering kecil2an ar] kat Kopitiam Cafe malam tadi. Kak Int@n ade jugak ajak aku join TT tetapi..... Oh, apakan daya, saya di kolej dan exam final sudah semakin laju mengejar. Have I told you that Kak Int@n is Angah Aya's office mate? Hah hah.. kecik kan dunia? Kak Int@n ni wife kepada Guru Besar $@ifu| N@ng, professional photographer yang sekarang ni boss kepada company C$yndr0me. Buat banyak duit beb. Kak Int@n baru je balik from Cambridge buat PhD and now jadik lecturer macam Angah Aya kat UPM. Aku dah cop GuruBesar nak suruh jadik wedding photographer aku. Calon suami tak penting, photographer yg penting. Hah hah.. Start merepek dah ni. Aku tengah tertekan bace bio ni. Adoi!

Ini adalah contoh gambar yg dishoot oleh photographer C$. Naseb baek model die bleh tahan ar.

Oh, terpaksa bergerak! Study la Dina!

Lovely Stranger

Someone [or maybe more than one person] from this college is reading my blog, for some unknown reasons. Ahah, yep yep. It has been a couple of weeks, I think. You see, I don’t want to make fuss out of it but it doesn’t feel good when you’re studying in the library or, checking the notice board or, walking along the walkway or, having your lunch and dinner in the dining hall or, laughing out loud when you see nobody around or, acting foolishly when nobody cares, and at the same time, someone who reads your blog i.e knows you quite well, whom you don’t have a slightest idea who s/he was, is watching over you every now and then.

Well, I don’t say I’m fond of it, who does? But I couldn’t be bothered anyhow. I mean, like what sarah said, if I want to have a blog, I have to take the risk of other people knowing so much about me, even if they rarely knew me. Obviously I’m well aware of it. And I’ve encountered soooooo many embarrassing and discomforting comments and messages out of it. It’s, of course, unpleasant but after having this blog for more than two years now, I’ve got so many feedbacks in return. GOOD feedbacks, in fact.

Besides, I don’t treat my blog like my own personal diary. Revealing who he [you-know-who. If you don't know then good] is absolutely a no-no. I have it just for the sake of updating my friends about what I’ve been up to. So I don’t think by taking that risk, I’m jeopardizing myself. Well in a way, maybe I am. I mean, people can take advantage on whatever I wrote in here to, I don’t know, sabotage me or something. But after what I’ve received so far, out of this blog, to me it’s worth taking that risk. But I don’t know for how long. Maybe one day this whole world would eventually recognize me brand me as orang paling tak malu dalam dunia, who cares right?

Anyways, I received a quite shocking message last night from B@d. He thought I don’t feel well, seeing me acting awkwardly these few days. Hmm.. agak ar. Aku pun tak paham dengan diri aku sejak kebelakangan ni. Banyak sangat bende dalam kepala otak. Aduhai.. But anyway, after one month passed by, baru sekarang dia nak bagi birthday present! Mungkin hadiah untuk next year? Ahaks.. But I really appreciate his thoughtfulness though. Tetibe teringat kat izyan sebab masa trial spm dulu die penah gak tanye macam tu, yang mase tu aku rase cam nak terjun bangunan sebab ade masalah ngan Hafiz. Bengong kan? Huhu rindu plak kat die..

Ok, tanak ckp banyak, nnt aku merepek. Just a short note to myself: Encik Avatar from the Neverland dah lame tak masuk blog aku! Amazing race! And to @isy@h z@ff@n and Z@hiR, "Happy 20th Birthday, peeps!".

Gambar ni shaky gile!! But I tried to cover it by increasing the shadow intensity. Or does it not make any difference? This is in front of my chalet, facing the entering road to my college and it was during the dusk.

I Am Rushdina

Being a girl [or a woman, a lady, a female species of human being, whatever you want to call it] I have this one grave stage of emotion every month. Since I’m an expressive kind of person, my emotion during this stage is greatly affected by my PMS [Pre-Menstrual Syndrome]. And having a PMS means I’m normal so I shouldn’t be complaining about it la kan. Having said that, my emotions during these few days have been fluctuating quite drastically. I can be extremely happy at one point and easily break down at another. But since I’m used to it, I don’t need other factor to help me get through it. If I’m happy, I just let it be and prepare to be sad sooner or later. If I feel like crying, I just let the tears fall down as long as they want.

And yea, I cried over something stupid two nights ago, during the 9th college birthday celebration. Normally I don’t easily cry in front of my friends let alone other strangers. But I just don’t know why, during that night, my eyes just suddenly dwelled with tears when I saw this one guy friend sitting with my other girl friend sampai M@r pun terkejut. Terpaksa la aku tipu, ‘Takde pape, rasa sedih plak nak tinggalkan kolej n kawan2’. Nasib baik ayat boleh pakai so selamat la. Heh.. Mula2 tahan punye tahan sampai bilik. Pastu s@r@h plak datang chalet, tahan jugak tanak cite kat die ape2. Tapi lama2 dah x bleh tahan, terbreak down gak. Aku takde la suke mamat tu [sbb aku suke org lain. Haha..] tp ntah, he reminds me of someone else. Bengong kan? Hahaha rasa teramat bodoh. Tapi aku tak malu pun nak ngaku aku senang nangis sbb dah lumrah sebagai seorang perempuan, nak buat mcm mane. Pulak tu aku mmg jenis sangat sensitive, memang payah. Aduhai..

But I’m feeling much much better now :)

I’ve winded up buku Ayat-Ayat Cinta. For the first half of the book, to be honest, mmg agak bosan. Knowledge wise, memang sgt bagus la. Banyak description pasal life kat Mesir and life as an Al-Azhar student. But storyline wise, bosan ar. I’m not saying it’s not worth reading, of course it is but since it’s a novel so I expected it to have an interesting plot. But nonetheless, towards the end, when it reaches the climax, memang best la. I wonder if a guy like the hero and the heroin, Fahri n Aisha ever existed in this so-called vicious world. Rasanya ade je tp x pernah jumpe lagi la. Atau mungkin aku masih tak sampai tahap mcm diorg lagi. Ye, memang masih teramat jauh..

To me, what matters the most is the effect it has on me and I have to say that the book really makes me think deeply over so many things especially about life as a muslimah and as a hamba Allah. Apa yg lagi menarik is Aisha’s mother is a cardiologist. And she married to a muallaf atas dasar dakwah. Memang sangat best buku ni. Buat aku insaf and at the same time, naikkan semangat aku untuk terus berjuang di jalan Allah. My favourite excerpt of all is this:

Suatu kali sebelum tidur Aisha bercerita, “Ibu sering mengajariku agar berdoa dalam sujud saat solat malam: Ya Allah, letakkanlah dunia di tanganku, jangan dihatiku.

That part really touches my heart so deeply. Kalau Allah betul2 makbulkan doa tu, mesti aku takkan nangis lagi kerana dunia walaupun kehilangan seorang ibu. Tapi aku teramat tidak layak utk dpt keimanan smpai mcm tu sekali la kan. Keimanan setinggi itu terlalu mahal dan aku mengaku, aku masih terlalu banyak dosa untuk mendapatkannya. Tapi just keep on praying je la kan harap2nya hati ni tak terlalu diisikan dengan duniawi.

Currently I’m reading my second book, I Am Muslim, written by Dina Zaman.

My first memory, or rather introduction to my religion was asking Ustaz Dahalan, “If God existed, how come I can’t see Him?” My mother was mortified, my father rolled his eyes – “Ahh.. Dina, again you ask funny questions,” and Ustaz laughed.

Perhaps my name in the line kinda gets me affected [hehe poyo..] but really, I love the intro. I just had a quick glimpse on the intro before I went for my class this afternoon. I’m sure it’s gona be a very good book. Can’t wait to have it a go!! :) And oh yea, Nik Nazmi, my super-super-duper senior in KYUEM [also, Abg Amir's junior back in MCKK, a King's College graduate, and now he is a lawyer] is also one of the contributing writers. Hebat la hang! Cekang la bang!

Synopsis:
I Am Muslim is a selfish journey of faith. Dina meets shamans, nationalists, moderates and gets into all sorts of scrapes, to discover what Islam means to Muslims in Malaysia. Heartbreaking, angry and downright funny.

'Dina Zaman's articles about being Muslim in Malaysia today captures the multifaceted aspects of difference and alterity in normative religious life better than many academic studies...' - Dr Farish A Noor

About the author: I am Muslim is Dina Zaman's first work of non-fiction.She has written for the media since 1994. Her first column, Dina's Dalca was published in the New Straits Times and she has had her share of brickbats. Her works of fiction and poetry have been published locally and abroad.

PadaMu
Kutitipkan secuil asa
Kau berikan selaksa bahagia
PadaMu
Kuharapkan setitis embun cinta
Kau limpahkan samudera cinta

Wallahu'alam

{Blank}

Along Ima called me last night, asking about ESQ Preview. She wants to go to the preview first before she goes for the real training. Aku sangat terharu n bersyukur :) But memang all this while Along Ima je yg memahami kenapa aku terlalu enthusiastic about this. Moga Allah membuka hatinya dan hati2 family aku yg lain..

Yesterday I had a falling-out with m0m@d. For the first time aku TERtengking die depan orang ramai. Actually, aku dah lame bersabar dengan dia [he once said 'mulut dina tu memang macam b**i']. And semalam tu tahap kesabaran aku dah sampai tahap maximum threshold dah. Huhu.. Although I admit that it was my fault for inadvertently involving in his so-called personal life [though that's not my intention. Like I really care about him. D'oh!], I didn't expect him to blame me and make me look like a fool. For the rest of my time petang tu tak dpt buat ape sebab sangat bengang. So I went swimming and calmed myself down. Malam tu dah ok dah. I texted him and said sorry bla bla bla. Now, everything is back to normal :) And what makes me flattered is when he said 'Ala dina, u are part of my network of fren. Maybe if you're not in, i'm less cheered and not who i am today. Thanx 2 u..'. This fella memang bengong sket. But whatever it is, I'm gona miss him once he's away la. I have to admit that he is the ONLY friend whom I cam talk to about photography and cars. And oh yea, when I told him about ESQ Training he said 'Ow patut ko dah berubah sekarang. Lagi menyakitkan hati..'. Aku dah immune dengan segala kata2 die yang menyakitkan hati. Adoi!

Er... Ok, aku sepatutnye buat bende lain pastu dah merepek bende lain. I have class in a bit. Tata~

What Fate Says

I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t want to be an ungrateful person but I just can’t help it. How do you cope with a situation of doing something that your mind wants but not your heart? Your mind says ‘Leicester’ but your heart says ‘Nottingham’? I know I’m not in the position to choose but it’s just hard for me to put the university as my firm and all I need now is supports from family and of course, strength from Allah.

I have never thought things to be this difficult but it’s just something that I can’t avoid. I thought this hesitancy is over long ago but due to some emotional and mental fear factors; I’m becoming even more afraid to come to a final pick. Leicester is a nice place, I really like the place, don’t get me wrong. But I just don’t know why my heart can’t seem to accept and just be a thankful person. There are so many people out there who wish to be in my position, to get the chance to study abroad, to get a scholarship to read medicine. Why must something that is supposed to be simple and easy makes me go nuts? Why must I question things that have been destined for me? Why must I be uncertain and unhappy when other people are happy and relief to state their firm univ? Why is there the word ‘choose’ or ‘pick’ or ‘decide’ or whatever in the first place? Why am I questioning so much? Sheeshh..

But I just know the answer..

Ya Allah, kuatkanlah semangat aku. Jadikanlah aku hambaMu dan umat Rasulullah yang bersyukur. Berikanlah aku kekuatan dan keyakinan untuk terus berjuang di jalanMu ya Allah.

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow we need to confirm our firm and insurance university. I hope, just HOPE I’m strong enough to decide. Wherever the place would be, that’s where Allah wants me to be.

Fewh!~

So I just received my chemistry results and as I expected, it didn’t turn out good. Well, at least I expected worse so I wasn’t that surprised. But it’s unpleasant though. And I really hate this feeling. Gawsh!

Hah..

And much to my aversion, my scholar peeps had a meeting with our sponsor just right after my chemistry class and it’s such a gut-wrenching stint when your sponsor smack you right on your face by asking “So, how’s the trial results. Remember, your final is juuuuuussssst arrrooouunndd the corner” when you just got a D for one of your papers. And it’s scary, seriously.

Well, at least I knew I needed this meeting. So that it would wake me up [man!] from my oh-so-dreamy life. I don’t know what has got into me but my feet were not on the ground these few days. I don’t know what’s in my head. I know I need to focus [sheesh..that’s the trillionth time I say the same thing] and this time, no more inattentiveness!!!

So...

I need to get ready for my bio class. And yes, I need to be mentally prepared for whatever results I’m going to obtain. Life is full of surprises, innit?

Ma'at Taufiq!

It’s a nice and tranquil morning. The sky is very beautiful with its tinge of red, orange and blue colour. Since I’ve got my oly back, I took some shots. SubhanAllah..

So I’m back in college. And as usual, it was an unproductive break. I didn’t finish my reading or rather, I didn’t read even one word and yet I forgot that I brought my books along!! But I did go to the book fair though. What I bought:

• Ayat-Ayat Cinta by Habiburrahman El Shirazy. Oh well.. I’ve been hearing people talk about it but I had never considered going through it because being a judgmental me, I thought it’s a mere love storybook and ntah sejak bile aku tak suke bace buku2 romance ni. Rase macam fake gile and buang mase. But this one is rather a different one I would say. Sue me if you want but I like this book :) ...

  “Hembusan udara sejuk yang dipancarkan lima penghawa dingin dalam masjid menyambut ramah. Alhamdulillah. Nikmat rasanya jika sudah berada di dalam masjid. Puluhan orang sudah berdiri rapi dalam saf solat jamaah. Kuletakkan topi dan beg sandangku di bawah tiang dekat aku berdiri di barisan saf kedua. Kedamaian menjalari seluruh urat saraf dan gelegak jiwa sebaik saja kuangkat takbir. Udara sejuk yang berhembus terasa mengelus-ngelus leher dan mukaku. Juga mengusap keringat yang tadi mengalir deras. Aku berasa tenteram dalam elusan kasih sayang Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang. Dia terasa begitu dekat, lebih dekat dari urat leher, lebih dekat dari jantung yang berdenyut"

• Kisah-kisah Para Nabi & Rasul
• I Am Muslim by Dina Zaman
• CLICK! Magazine. Now, I’ve started to mull Canon350D over. Blame Abg Amir for that! Wuargh! I told m0m@d and he said “jangan beli canon! Beli Nikon!” and I myself have been thinking to buy Nikon for a long time but not until I read one article in the mag regarding Canon350D. Sekarang dah blur taktau nak beli yg mane. Haih.. And nope, Kak Intan tak reply lagi message aku :( Kiciwa betul.. Sob2..

So that’s about books!

@nid is in dilemma now. Dia kate die dah tak minat nak buat accountancy and what surprised me is, she said biology is fun and easy and she’s considering medicine. I was like laughing-out-loud and rolling-on-the-floor-laughing and I know it’s lame and not funny but @nid and medicine is like water and oil. They can never be mixed.

She likes business. She has always been wanting to have her own company involving international import-export thingy [urgh, I hate econs..] but that’s far too ambitious I guess. It’s not wrong to have such dream but you still need to have short-term aim before you can go any further. Her seniors said that trial won’t help in getting scholarships which to me is ridiculous. Though for me it’s kinda true because I only found that no sponsor wanted to sponsor me after I went all-out for my trial but that’s just because I’m doing medicine. Sape la sangat nak sponsor budak2 medic ni apart from jpa n mara kan. BNM tu lain cite ar. Aku mane la layak dapat special award kan. Petronas pun bengong gak sbb reject aku trus [no izy, u’re not bengong. Heh..] but if you want to do something beside medic, trial is like oh-so-important man! So I told her, “no matter what, just do your best in both trial n real exam. Spm kacang goring man! For what you want to be, decide afterwards but whatever it is, just do whatever your heart says” and I know she’s thankful to have a sister like me and I know she loves me. Hah hah..

So that’s about anid.

Me?

My trial is over and I’m not expecting any good results except for maths. At least I think I did maths well. For the rest of other 2 subjects, C is good enough. Huhu.. I have chemistry class at 10 and MARA meeting at 1040. I hope En. Khaizan comes with some good news. So, that’s about me I guess. For my friends in KMB yang dah nak final esok, ma’at taufiq! May Allah guide you throughout the exams.