Back on reading journals..

Two days ago, I slept at 5.45am in the morning. Yes, I stayed up until dawn. Of course with the help of the caffeine. Studying. Then I took a nap until 8.30am. Then I went to my lecture, Dissesting Room bla bla bla..

Yesterday, I slept at 11.32pm. Only to find that I was awakened by a shaking building at almost 1 oclock in the morning. Earthquake. Yes, there was an earthquake. Some people evacuated the building. But I chose to jump onto my bed and continued my sleep. My alarm went off several times but I just could not bother. I was very tired. Then I woke up at 8.30am this morning. I skipped my shower, ironed my baju n tudung and went straight to the lecture.

Today, I got back to my room at 1.03pm. Called mum on skype to tell her about the earthquake. Then I accidentally fell asleep until 5.28pm. Now, my kepala is very pening and I’m in no mood to do anything. Study. ‘Berkempen’. Contact my consultant. Revision. No, I am just not in the mood.

So I continued reading my current favourite online journal. I had posted up about Dr. M@x’s loss of her son some times ago [click here]. Banyak kali aku nangis bila baca kisah Dr. M@x ni. Pastu ntah macam mana aku boleh bukak balik journal tu couple of days back and tergerak hati untuk baca entry Dr. M@x dari awal, since 2000. That was like what, 8 years ago?

I don’t know how to describe but reading the journal makes me think about smorgasbord of things. Nak dijadikan cerita, Dr. M@x ni kalau tak silap study dekat King’s College London. Memang kecik dunia. Probably one or two year senior Along Ima. Then she went back to Malaysia and served in public hospital.

For your info, I do follow some medical series on the tv like Grey’s Anatomy, House, dulu ikut la jugak ER and what have you. But they are just dramas. Unreal. Lama2 aku muak dengan drama2 tv ni. Manipulative betul. Tapi aku suka tengok how the real situations in hospitals je. Tapi takdela real sangat sebab tu semua drama je lebih. Tapi bila baca journal Dr. M@x ni, buat aku rasa “OMG!!”

Aku terfikir..
“betul ke aku nak jadik doc ni?”

“aku nak sambung internship kat uk ke mesia?”

“aku ni nak specialise in ape?”

“aku mampu ke nak berhadapan dengan serangan emosi bila patient aku meninggal? bila aku berhadapan dengan kematian?”

“aku mampu ke nak berhadapan dengan hidup yang &^$$%#%&*(&^%$# bila jadi doc nnt?”

“aku ni baru je masuk second sem and I have like what, 4.5 years to go before gradute? Mampu ke aku berhadapan dengan segala dugaan?”

“mampu ke aku bagi full commitment kat kerja? Family?”

[286] Allah does not lay a responsibility on anyone beyond his capacity. (2:286)

Sabar. Kuat semangat. Erti hidup pada memberi. I try to instil that in mind.

Ni baby bro. wazari. Comel horror kan?? Comel sangat! MasyaAllah! Aku selalu berangan nak tangkap gmbar anak2 aku mcm ni nanti. Nak buat portfolio khas untuk anak2. Apa??!! Anak2???! Oh!~ hah hah..

p/s: Masa angah aya tengah mengandungkan adam, angah aya buat announcement kat satu family nak bagi nama anak dia ‘adam’. Adam bin Shahril Azam. Senang nak panggil katanya. Tak macam Salma Aida. Banyak versi panggilan. Che Sal. Salma. Aida. Heh.. Lepastu nadhrah [a.k.a anid] tak puas hati. Sebab dia pun nak bagi nama anak dia adam. Lepastu angah aya kata, “Hey, carik nama laki dulu la before carik nama anak..” Hah hah hah.. Oh, rindunye kat baby adam!!

UPDATE (28 FEB 2008, 1908): Adik Dr. M@x ni m@t j@n rupenye!! Alahai.. kecik sangat dunia ni..

Caffeine is not a healthy lifestyle. So, don't consume caffeine. Unless you have no choice :P

My clock reads 1.48am now. I’m taking a break. From a mental suicidal attempt. Lame joke, yea yea. Tapi dalam kepala otak ni serious dah traffic jam dah. “Ponn ponnn” “Piinn piinnn” “eeeeekkkk.. kabbooomm!!”

Dina dah bengong baca innervation of the limbs. Betul ke nak jadik doctor ni? Isk3.. *menangis*

On a more positive and optimistic note however, I’m currently getting myself busy with some programmes and projects or whatever you want to call it. I was offered to be one of those administers of the famous Malaysian Islamic site, ILu\/i$l@m.c0m last week and I decided to say ‘yes’. I don’t know why I agreed to join the team. Probably because I think I have not make full use of my time, on a whole. I think I have wasted my time so much. And perhaps, this is my chance to learn other things apart from what I've already skilled at.

And come to think of it, I used to spend almost one year back then in college as a housecaptain. I was the person to think about ALMOST EVERYTHING ON HOUSE ISSUES and I’ve accustomed to a hectic and busy lifestyle and that’s how I managed myself as a ‘person’. And I think, I really need something that I could get myself busy with because that’s the only way for me to learn to become a ‘person’, not just a doctor. It’s not going to be easy and it’s an absolute escapade but I guess, a worth living life does not include ‘relaxed’, ‘trouble-free’, ‘effortless’ and you-name-it in its dictionary. Uuuuuu.. I’m not a philosophy kind of person. *gelak kat diri sendiri* but I think there’s a truth in it, at least to some extents.

So, I went to the ‘new family’ meeting at N0tts last Sunday. Walaupun aku orang baru and macam x faham sangat the details of the work delegation tapi aku nampak la semangat diorg tu. And since aku jadik member ILu\/i$l@m.c0m masa website tu baru bukak like more than one year ago sampai sekarang, mmg banyak sangat improvement la. Aku mmg salute kat admin2 yg dah lama work on the page. Salute tabik spring toing toing!! And listening to the upcoming alterations and improvements, aku nampak masa depan yang cerah la for the website. Hopefully berjaya la kan, insyaAllah. Doakan kitorg :)

And oh yea, the current Malaysian Society is stepping down soon. I'm not intending to continue my service as a secretary. Rasa macam aku takde chemistry sangat dengan secretarial work ni. Heh.. Habistu, kerja apa yg aku ada chemistry? Ya, tepat sekali. Apa dia? Ya, betul. Aku pun x tahu. Depends on the people I work with kot. Hehehe.. Ok2, I don't want to get into old stories. [note to you-know-who: don't even think it!]. So, to Leicesterians, remember to nominate your future committee and do attend the AGM next week [Friday]!

Ok.. aku x patut bebel sekarang ni. Esok ada lecture pagi. Tak nak jadik macam tadi lagi. Mata masih tertutup rapi dan badan masih terbaring nyenyak atas katil pukul 9!! Dan ya, lecture sepatutnya pukul 9 :P Takpe, insyaAllah takkan skip lecture lagi. Azam semester baru!!!

Work, work and keep on working!!

photo taken by (¯`·.¸¸.¤*¨¨*¤.๑۩۩۩๑Zey neeep!. This is by far, my favourite photo of all. And the poem that the photographer wrote about is BEAUTIFUL! See, there is still a muslim photographer existed nowadays. Yes, I want to be like them *berangan* :D

p/s: I don't want to hate you. Because I just can't. Ya Allah, permudahkanlah aku melupakan dia..

Supplication.

AMARAN: Bahasa yang digunakan tidak boleh diguna pakai untuk perkara2 formal.

Initial Mode: Homesick. HOMESICK.

Next week nak masuk week 5 dah. Week 5? Second semester? Nak habis first year dah? BIG YES.

Rasa macam baru semalam sampai UK. Rasa macam baru semalam tengok muka mum and dad in person. Rasa macam baru semalam aku main kejar2 dgn nazme. Rasa macam baru semalam aku dengki effa sampai dia nangis. Rasa macam baru semalam aku dengar suara baby zarif. Rasa macam baru semalam aku pergi breakfast makan roti canai dengan mum and angah aya. Rasa macam baru semalam aku bakar ayam bbq kat rumah masa birthday dad, abg n0rm@n dengan angah aya. Semuanya rasa macam baru semalam. SEMALAM.

[1] By the time! [2] Lo! Man is in a state of loss. (103:1-2)

Terlalu banyak benda yg berlaku yang buat aku terfikir. Buat aku fikir sampai tak larat nak fikir dah. Buat aku fikir sampai taknak fikir apa2 dah. Buat aku fikir sampai nak give up je. Buat aku fikir sampai aku rasa nak balik Malaysia dan tak nak duk Leicester dah. Buat aku fikir sampai aku terfikir benda2 merepek yg lain. Ya, syaitan memang tak pernah putus asa untuk menyesatkan anak2 nabi adam a.s.

[62] .. If you will grant me respite till the Day of Resurrection I shall uproot the whole of his progeny except only a few. [63] .. [64] Tempt with your call all whom you wish... and seduce them with rosy promises - and Satan's promise is nothing but a deception. (17:62-64)

Orang kata, bila berjauhan dengan family, kita tend to buat benda sesuka hati. Tapi.. kenapa aku sedikit pun tak terasa nak buat benda sesuka hati? Kenapa aku rasa setiap benda yang aku buat aku kena bagitau mum dgn dad dulu? Kenapa even sesuatu benda yang 'mesti' aku buat pun aku tak berani nak buat melainkan mum n dad bagi green light? Kenapa aku rasa sangat dependant on family sampai aku tak percaya kat orang lain kat sini? Kenapa aku rasa orang yang betul2 faham aku tak wujud kat bumi UK tapi semuanya kat bumi Malaysia (fine.. dan Ireland juge :P)? Kenapa aku banyak songeh dan banyak soal? Kenapa aku ni ngada2 sangat? Hahaha.. psycho nye la aku ni. Huhu.. Kenapa itu dan kenapa ini?

[30].. He said: "Surely I know what you do not know." (2:30)

Suatu ketika dahulu, aku dapat satu ujian emosi yang cukup hebat dariNya. Mungkin hebat bagi aku adalah yang paling cikai bagi orang2 hebat yang diuji olehNya yang lain. Tapi, sungguh hebat sampai mampu mengubah aku daripada seorang gadis yang agak naif (in a not very good way, if you get what I mean) sampai la jadi seorang gadis yang matang (dan ayu.. ewah.. Haha berangan ape sorg2 ni?). Dalam satu bulan Ramadhan dulu, hampir tiap2 hari aku doa kat Allah supaya bagi aku jawapan kepada ujian tu. Tapi atas kuasaNya, sampai sekarang aku tak dapat jawapan tu lagi. Tapi aku tak putus asa berdoa. Even, apa yang aku doa dulu adalah yang sebalik apa yang aku doa sekarang. Faham ke bahasa aku yang low-standard ni? Tapi tak kisah la. Aku hampir2 putus asa tapi, putus asa tu tak membantu langsung. Memang doa itulah the only senjata yang lagi hebat dari segala senjata nuclear ever existed on Earth yang mampu buat aku kuat untuk terus depend upon Him.

[39] All praise be to Allah Who, despite my old age, has given me Ishmael and Isaac. Surely my Lord hears all prayers. (14:39)

Minggu ni adalah minggu 'Islamic Awareness Week' yang di organise oleh Leicester Univ punya islamic society. Semalam aku pergi satu talk yang diberi oleh Syeikh Jih@ni kalau tak silap. Kalau silap, minta maaf la ye. Tajuk talk tu adalah 'Recognising God'. Bila speaker tu masuk hall je, aku rasa macam ada satu aura yang buat aku rasa nak nangis. Sejuk hati tengok muka ustad tu. Bercahaya muka ustad tu. Itula kelebihan yang Allah bagi kat ustad tu. Dan memang betul, ustad tu sangat2 la inspiring. Dan hampir semua non-muslim audience bagi komen "You are blessed. You inspire me." Dah nak masuk enam bulan aku duduk Leicester dan dah nak masuk sembilan bulan since I last went to E$Q, ustad ni berjaya buat aku menitiskan sedikit kaca yang berharga. Nasib baik bawak tissue. Haha.. SubhanAllah, AllahuAkbar, seorang perempuan mat saleh masuk Islam. Betapa cantik asma' Allah Al-Hadiyy, The Guide itu.

[15] People of the Book! Now Our Messenger has come to you: he makes clear to you a good many things of the Book which you were wont to conceal, also passes over many things. There has now come to you a Light from Allah, and a Clear Book [16] through which Allah shows to all who seek to please Him the paths leading to safety. He brings them out, by His leave, from darkness to Light and directs them on to the Straight Way. (5:15-16)

Ntahla. Tiba2 aku rasa macam nak join je E$Q team pegi USA. Fine, jauh sangat USA tu. Nak ikut pegi Holland la. Tinggalkan UK sementara, yang banyak sangat 'cubaan' untuk menyatukan umat Islam tapi sesama sendiri tak memahami antara satu sama lain. Sesama sendiri ada perception yang tidak menyenangkan. Siapa tahu mana lagi boleh aku lari dan pergi ke suatu tempat yang boleh membuka mata aku lebih luas? Bulan? Matahari? Pluto?

Final mode: Rupa2nya aku merindui Dia lebih dari yang lain :'(

photo taken by J. A.

O Allah, have Mercy on all the Muslimeen, and guide them. Guide me O Allah, and guide my parents, my siblings, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my nephews and nieces and so forth. O Allah, I ask You to strengthen my iman and those around me. I ask You to soften my heart and to soften the hearts of the Believers. O Allah, forgive me for my shortcomings, for only You are Perfect. O Allah, Please Forgive me if I ever got too wrapped in a matter that I didn't have the time to utter Your Name. Amiin ya Rabbal 'Aalamiin.

p/s: aku masih belum bersedia untuk publicise blog ni. This is still my personal blog. Not for public reading. Tapi kalau aku dah dapat ilham untuk come out with 'another' blog, untuk tatapan ramai, I will let you (whoever you are) know :)

p/p/s: bak kata tak-ingat-siapa, kalau orang dah kahwin n dah ada rumah semua, boleh bagi hadiah ni. AKU NAK!! bukan!! bukan nak kahwin. aku nak hadiah ni :) Cuba tengok kat GALLERY. Modern dan cantik ok! Yang aku nak is under PRE-EMINENT RANGE, no 14:£55. Takde la mahal sangat. Hehe :P

One Step Forward

It's at the bottom of the entry :)

Tak kisah la dia buat koleksi peribadi ke, ape ke but the appreciation tu yg buat aku terharu sebenarnye. Huhu.. Trima kasih!!

De Nile

“You know how it feels if you begin hoping for something that you want desperately badly; you almost fight against the hope because it is too good to be true; you’ve been disappointed so often before.”

And now, I’m fighting with myself against whatever that happens to come into my way, just when it was supposed to be over long ago. But I’m not complaining though. I admit that I’ve sacrificed a lot for it but I guess He is directing me into another channel of solution. I don’t want to create any ‘fighting field’ especially within myself but if I didn’t, it would drag me into a much chaotic situation [emotionally] and I have had enough of it. I’m just wondering when it’s going to end. I’m not questioning what He has had for me, what He has destined me for but I just hope I could be a little bit patient and try to accept everything as it is. Probably the treatment for this chronic internal ailment is actually being open. Acceptance. And pretence is definitely no longer having its position in the play this time around. I’m trying. I really am. He knows it. He understands it. He’s testing me. And I know He has the answer to everything. So, there’s no point of me going around looking for uncertainties. Because at the end of the day, it’s Him who holds the certainties.

My exam results had just been announced last Friday. Alhamdulillah, praise be to only Him. I’ve got something more than anyone could give. I really don’t know how to describe the feelings I had when I got my eyes on the notice board where the results were being put up. My mum and sisters were here last winter break and all I had for my revision was only one week, just after they went back to Malaysia. One week!! Can you imagine that? Whereas my other friends had more than that but not all of them got as what I expected them to get. I'm not bragging or not even near to belittling anyone whatsoever. I know it’s His job to determine this and that, I’m not saying otherwise but you can just sense the presence of other ‘invisible hands’ [no, this is not economics :P] that actually helped you through especially when you least expected it. I don’t know how to say it but… without those ‘invisible hands’ I would no way stand at where I am now.

Oh well.. I’m not going to ‘bebel’ now because it’s 2.30am already and I have a lecture tomorrow and my new semester resolution is to not miss any lecture :P t0k rim@u dah pesan dulu. Huhu.. So, till then..

photo taken by n@ili.

"De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt. But it's a freaking ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?"

O Allah! Make my tongue full of Your remembrance, and my heart with consciousness of You.

Of locking it up..

A day before yesterday. I planned to get into bed by 9.30pm. But I switched off the light at 11++pm.

Yesterday. I planned to get into bed by 9.30pm. But I slept at 12.15am.

Today. I plan to get into bed by 9.30pm. But it’s 11.56pm already and I’m still awake.

And everyday. I wake up as early as 5am and as late as 6am. As a result of that, I’ve been having headache these few days and it just gets worse. The only way to deal with it is by taking panadols. I don’t want to get myself too dependent on pills and tablets. But I have no choice. And tomorrow, I’m going to have another ‘Health in Community’ activity. I can only just keep my fingers crossed that they’ll let us go by 4. Sangat tak larat. Sob2..

However. On a brighter note:

“hi there

im publishing a book on malaysia (celebrating & showcasing her positively).. and am getting opinions/ contributions.

we would like to request if you would like to share this photo to be featured?

the photo is still yr copyright.

as a token, we will acknowledge you (& yr blog/ site if any) below yr photo.

looking to hear from you.


ps: you can also tell us yr feeling when you took this photo, or your opinion on it - what you like : or find it unique ;)

do also give yr name, location, hobby + blog/ website (if any).

thanks :)” – a random guy from flickr.

I’m flattered and absolutely honoured, really. I’ve never thought I would be proposed with such prestigious offer. I mean, the highest stage I thought I can go is just to see my picture on the Explore. Not to be put in a published book! But, guess that’s just some hit-and-miss affairs that you can’t really expect to come about. It’s such a pleasure, really. It has been quite a while since I last snapped photos apart from the same views of sky and sunset. I just can’t wait for my Prague trip this easter, insyaAllah *grin*.

So, that’s about it. Till then.. Salam..

Photo taken by photo_quit.

“There’s nothing to wait for and it’s just a waste of time to wait for uncertainties. And I’m very grateful for having such guts and willpower to let everything go. Because somehow or another, I have faith in Him and I know, if He doesn’t give me what I want now, He’ll give me later. Or He’ll grant me with something better. And I believe that he knows that too. All that he does not know is how much I’ve sacrificed for everything. Never thought of telling him that and he does not even have to know because everything is over… Everything is over now.” - Looking forward to tomorrow. BUT UNFORTUNATELY..

It’s not over.
Just yet.
I surrender.
I want to lock up my heart.
And throw away the key.
Because I don't need it anymore.
I don’t want to be chased anymore.
I don’t want to be in the game anymore.
I don’t want to be the person whom I used to be anymore.
I don’t want to let him influence my life anymore.
Because I don’t think I’m strong enough.
To be hurt.
Again..

Lets Change The World

I’m too exhausted to update. I had quite an interesting weekend and I would really really love to share things that I gained from the professionalism workshop that I attended last weekend but my brain can’t really do its job properly at this hour. And I still have some other work that needs to be done before tomorrow. So.. yea, that’s about it.

I would probably leave this blog for a while because I’m going to be a tad busy this week, next week, and next next week and the list goes on. I don’t really know how to describe the vibes I’m currently having but I just hope and pray, that it will keep on that way for as long as it can go. You don’t know what I’m talking about and you don’t have to bother. Crapping is my thing ;P

Anything, just reach me via email.. [bajet mcm ade org nak contact aku je. Ha ha..]

photo taken by wazari.
"You are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change what you are and where you are by changing what goes into your mind." - Zig Ziglar