the 'MONTAGE'

I’ve got a promise to materialize today. I should have woken up earlier but..well, something else keeps hanging in my head so it is somewhat being forced to keep lying in bed. Heh.. I’ve promised wani to go out for a movie today but you know, shutting off the brain in the wee hour of morning and expect it to rev up early in the morning, I think that is quite hard to do. Heh.. Hence, she is pissed at me now. If ever she had a chance to slap me or beat me or even shoot me, I know she would do it. Heh.. takde ah, wani ni penyabar. Lebih2 lagi kene layan dina. Bape kali ntah dah cancel dating. Hahahaha..

Fuh, finally today arrives. I’ve been going to Cheras for the last four days for a community service at T@man Sin@r #arapan(TSH) and Ruma# S3ri Kenang@an(RSK) with Aqi1ah and Kaut#ar. 2 days at TSH and 2 days at RSK. Albeit we spent four days only, we’ve gained a lot from it. That was the first time I got the chance to meet those unfortunate people and learned how they cope and adapt with the real world outside there. TSH is a place for mentally handicapped teenagers so the range of age there is around fourteen to twenty five. Most of them are plus minus my age but they don’t seem like one. They are said to be slow learners and some of them are suffering from Down’s syndrome so you must expect them to be quite childish and cannot speak very well. On the other hand, some of them are normal but have another kind of disabilities that need to be taken care of like epilepsy and autism.

The first day was starting off with an ice-breaking session, a typical way of getting to know each resident. The first time I was there, I felt quite uncomfortable and shall we say scared? Biasa la, baru first time tengok reaksi diorang, mesti la agak terkejut and terkapai2. Heh.. But lama-lama tu ok la. You would not be surprised if I told you that some of the girls and boys had been rapped, not once but for several times. There was even a boy who was used to serve those crazy and dissatisfied jerks out there. He was said to have a boyfriend and when he was at home, he would change into a girl as in wearing girl’s outfits, appearance and all and yep, his boyfriend would ask him to serve his friends and the boy would be paid around 50bucks per service.

How bloody malicious could they get? I mean, how could they do that to someone who is not normal?? How abnormal could they be as compared to the boy?? And there was a girl who had been rapped, eventually got pregnant and now her child is being adopted by other people and when she had not seen her child for quite a while, she would get mad. Kesian sangat tengok diorang.

And there was a new boy, Illya$ who had been there for a week or so. He looked normal and could respond very well though he couldn’t communicate that good but he was fun to chat and hang around with. He was anid’s age, used to school in jalan reko and he only got 1A for maths for his PMR. The rest of the subjects were all D’s and E’s. To me, that is quite impressive because he is very good at maths and could by any ways be the next John Nash or whoever but because he has autism, he does not have any choice. I don’t know why but I kinda like this boy. He always asked me questions, asked me to draw him a house and a car, always turned to me when other kids did something to him. Maybe because I don’t have a small brother, he often caught my attention. Heh..

Although they all appeared with different characteristics which at times weigh me down to meet each and everyone’s need, I had a very fun time with them. We cleaned up the library together, we sang karaoke together, chatted and talked together, played games together, and they were all like my own brothers and sisters. I kinda miss them actually. Heh..

And then, we spent the next two days at RSK, a place for old folks. Kat sini memang sedih ar tengok nenek-nenek dengan atuk-atuk tu, rasa mcm nak nangis. Well, I shed a tear once when I chatted with this one nenek and she said “Nenek rasa terharu anak-anak datang tengok nenek. Nenek tak ada anak, suami nenek dah meniggal.” Cakap mcm tu dengan dina memang ah nangis. Dina tengok cite Pinocchio pun nangis. Haha.. At RSK, we did not do many activities with the residents because most of them were not able to join. Ada yang dah uzur sangat, kesian tengok diorg. We basically did the meal distribution and then helped cleaning up the dining hall. After Zohor, we helped the PKMs (Pegawai Keb@jikan Ma$yarkat) with office work. Kinda tiring but had fun with the nenek-nenek and atuk-atuk.

Meeting them somehow makes me realize and thankful for being granted with endless gifts from Allah. We never apprehend how they gain their guts to face the world until we see it with our own eyes. If a soul does not get touched with that kind of difficulties those people have to embrace, I don’t know what to say. Banyak dosa la tu kot sampai keras hati. Heh..

Anyways, I’m currently working on my photos galore. Biasa la kalau dah duk depan komputer, surf this and check out ALL recent photos, sampai pagi la kot tak tidur. Tu yang bangun lambat tu. Heh.. Here, the coolest picture I’ve ever seen.

Kewl gile kan? Alaa bila la boleh jadik photographer yang berjaya ni. Heh.. Orite then, need to have my lunch and then will pick wani up around 2. We're going out jugak die pakse. Hehe.. Till then.

kewl photos

Another page to be checked out!! I kinda like this one =) Uh, when am I gona have one? T_T

The One with Confusion

I was in car with Anid and Icah, heading to a place that I’d rather not go but because somebody insisted, I had no choice. KL is one hell a place that I hate to drive to and the reason is none other than annoying and rage-breaking traffic jam. The traffic was moving slow and I should take a left turn but I was still smack bang on the most right lane so you can just imagine how bad the struggling was. The left-signal was blinking non stop, hoping for the people to give me some space to move through the traffic but those kiasus out there, they would never give up, would they?

I just hate horns, that’s why I never honk to other people and anid seems unsatisfied with that. “Dina, ko hon je laa kat budak tu! Macam ****!!” and whenever a car comes out of nowhere, her hand would automatically put and prepared at the steering. I would go like “Oi, saba la!! I’m the driver, not u!” and she would reply “Dah ko tak geti gune kete!”. That really does not help I tell you. That particular action actually makes me terkejut and menggelabah and I dislike those feelings especially when driving. That is just not my way but maybe, just MAYBE honking people is other person’s way. I don’t know.

And the most irritating part was when this kancil bodoh stole my parking!! Imagine if there were million of cars on the road, heading to a same place and the parking was limited and you had been round and round looking for one and fortunately there was a car leaving the place and you had put the signal on, ready to make a move when suddenly another car slide into the parking that you were dying for. Yes, without hesitation!!!!! Macam si*l!!! I swore like $%&*^*^$@#^&% (but don’t worry teek, I won’t break your shit record ;p) That was the moment when I used the car facilities to the fullest ;p. Mamat chewing-gum (note: euphemism is used here! it’s an abbreviation but no offense please!) tu dgn tak malunye keluar kete and buat bodo trus blah. Dah ar kancil wei!! Geram gile cam nak mati but I was not really in a mood to snarling and squawking at people so I just left that stupid twat. Yes, just like that. Blame me for that! Lucky me there was another car leaving the building and this time I ensured that no car would steal my parking again! Hah! I made a perfect parking though =) *crap dina, crap..*

“Aku tak faham la nid, aku slalu tolong orang tapi kenape org tak tolong aku eh? Not to say that I’m helping people because I expect something good from other people, no not like that. But I don’t know, why don’t these people have some sense of merciful or whatever.”. “Alaa sabar je laa. Maybe you’ll get a help when you need it the most. There is a good repay for you one day, maybe it comes in a form that you never expect, tak ke tu lagi best..Or maybe there are other people who need the help more than you do, so just give them a chance. Isn't that a way of helping people too?”

She was right. I can’t expect too much from the world, can I? I mean, I’m still in my learning stage, try to perceive life in a better way but sometimes, when I try to help and understand people; they don’t quite get what my intention is and some of them even take an advantage on me. Yes, I know, this is where life is teaching me how to be a better person, how to be optimistic but you can’t be patient all the time, can you? You cannot always meet people’s needs right? Sometimes you want to think positive and help people out here and there but those people don’t really have the same perception of thinking as you do. They tend to think otherwise and always put themselves on the top, never think about other people. Their needs always top off other people’s needs. No, don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to say that I am right and other people are wrong but SOME of them are being really2 selfish. Is this how the life should be? I don’t know, you might have your own opinion. But that is just a bit part of it. Life is actually more than that.

I don’t know since when I start all this ‘thinking’ thingy. I mean, every time I’m in a middle of a crowd, I’ll always observe people and think why and how they do this and that. Most of them are not really answerable (is there any such word?) but the more I think about it, the more confused I will get because most of the time, I don’t understand why people do that particular thing. Yes, I know, different person has different way of thinking and each one of us has our own personal view and I respect that for that matter. But you know, contradiction always put people into puzzlement and perplexity right? For instance, when the news of the non-halal sausage spread through the community, most of them (Muslim especially) started to boycott the company that manufactures the sausage. Semua org kecoh2 pasal tu but why and why and WHY, when it comes to corruption, people tend to shut their mouth up? Kenapa makan rasuah boleh tapi makan bende tak halal tak boleh? Sins will always be sins right?

Another example; I was queuing up for a movie ticket (Constant Gardener yang sangat tak best) and then there was a couple, yep, they were muslims (kalau melayu pakai tudung selalunya Islam la kan?) cuddling each other and I overheard something like this “You tau tak, I tak sangka pun si so-and-so tu drink!! Nampak je baik tapi drink jugak! Dengar cite die pernah ter*tut* dengan si so-and-so”. Ok, shoot me if you think I was not supposed to eavesdropped people’s conversation and I should have mind my own business, but I could not run myself away from it. The couple was just right in front of me, takkan nak tutup telinge, ape kes kan? But that’s not the point. The point is; I was quite surprised that both of them were still aware of the sins of drinking!! Siap tak sangka org buat bende tak elok, yg diorg tu? Ish2..ape nak jadik ntah… That is just a small proportion of the whole matter but I think you get what I’m trying to say.

Let just leave that for a moment. For a digression, my brain is waiting for its time to explode. It will just blast off at any second from now. It has been my third week of holiday but the books are still safe unpacked. Mum and Dad have started to worry about me. Dad tak bagi main komputer as frequently as usual. Heh.. Oh well.. I’m worried about myself even more!!!!!! I’ve just received a message from #ilfi, asking me to reserve the hall for the ICAN. And for ICAN jugak, aktiviti hari isnin kene tukar dgn hari selase. All the speakers need to be informed as well as the other people who are involved. That is not my job but whatever it is, I am the one who need to make sure everything goes as planned!!! I need to make sure that everything is done as they should be. And my piled up biology assignment is still untouched and none of the chemistry books is on my desk! If that is not enough, I have to look for sponsors for the ecotrip and am still deterring over running for SC next year. *BIG SIGH*.. This is life, isn’t it? Well, I'm catching things up, hopefully =)

Anyways, this is my daily dose that keeps my sanity. I think this picture is MAGNIFICENT!! Imagine if that was my hand on a BMW's, it would be much cooler! Heh.. Credit to Nadya for this pic. (Nad, kite curik gambar awak! ;p)

Ok guys. Need to head off to bed now. I've got to wake up early and go straight to Cheras for some good deeds =) Will get back to you guys as soon as possible. Nite!

Have faith in yourself

Have you ever gnashed your teeth over someone whom you’d never thought would make you feel that way and you did not have any intention to let him or her off? Have you ever felt betrayed by someone whom you used to love so much that made you lose trust and faith in that person? Have you ever been damned by a person whom you used to treasure so much for something silly and stupid? Have you ever felt the rising of detestation within you and could not find any way to stem it off? Have you ever thought of running away from all problems you were confronting with and hoped everything would settle? Have you ever felt like screaming your lungs out and released every burden in you, just hoping that all those encumbrances flutter away and never come back? If you have, then you will know how terrible they are and believe it or not, sometimes you cannot overcome all the dire consequences that you have to embrace.

I don’t fancy having falling outs with people. Nor do I enjoy messing up myself over people who are not worth bothering. That is why I tend to keep those feelings to myself and pray to God to let them fade away on their own without giving any bad impact to other people. It is hard and takes a long time to feel good again but as long as you have faith in God, believe me, everything will turn out good. It makes you feel even better than you should have felt. Remember this? I’m missing the moment :)

During the MYC that I attended several weeks ago, one of the ustads had told us about some tips to be a sheer blissful person. First, remember all the good deeds that people have done to you. Second, remember all those wrong doings that you have done to other people. Third, forget about all the good deeds that you have done to people and last but not least, forget and forgive people who have done wrong doings to you. At first I found it quite stiff to practice but once you’ve give a try, you will know its power.

"Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there... to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be but when you look eyes with them, you know that every moment that you are with them; they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.

The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from.... In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally not only because they love you, but also because they are teaching you to love and open your heart and eyes to little things.

MAKE EVERYDAY COUNT! Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people who you have never talked to before, and actually listen. Let yourself fall in love, even if it doesn't seem right because you are too young or too far, just follow your heart. Surround yourself with those who make you smile, laugh, and make you happy.

Break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you. Create your own life then LET GO and LIVE IT!"

let it speak on its own way

I know this is such a personal thing to blog about but I just feel like writing. I had a falling out with a friend yesterday. I made her cry and I did not feel sorry for that at all. I just wanted to help but she would not listen, what else can I do? I’m not trying to be a terrible gossipmonger or anything; I just do whatever I think the best for her. There’s nothing wrong with it. But why and why and WHY at the end of the day, I got pinned on? Anybody has the answer? Well, she said because I have not as yet fallen in love with anybody. ‘Sebab kau tak pernah rase mcm ni! Kau tak pernah sayang Max!’ Haha! Wow.. it cracked me up like hell. That was absolutely a crap!

Sa|2ah (not a real name) just got back from Australia last year and she has been in a relationship with J0hn ever since. J0hn is her best friend since they were in standard 6 kot. The problem is, Sa|2ah’s parents are the we-will-not-allowed-our-daughter-to-have-a-boyfriend-until-she-gets-into-univeristy type of people. So her parents do not know about them. On a more negative note, both of them have gone too far. Not that they have sex or anything but it just something that is not pleasant to ears and not a good sight for eyes. Heh ayat cam best je. Anyways, I did talk to her sometimes, more to a reminder. And she kept saying ‘Aku tau la jaga diri aku sendiri. Aku tau mana yang baik and buruk. Ko tak faham la dina. Ko memang takkan faham. Ko tak payah risau. Aku pun tanak bapak aku tanggung dosa aku’ Hmm.. tak faham macam mana ek? Why is the sky blue? Or why is the tree green? Heh..you pick ;p

Well, I believed her. But not until I found out that she lied. We went for a drink and lepak2 kat kedai mamak the other day and I happened to pilfer her handphone. NO, I’M NOT A THIEF. I just wanted to know what was actually happening around. And that was when I got to know that they often met each other and well, I hate to say this but they just did something unacceptable; something that were not ‘tanak bapak aku tanggung dosa’ kinds of thing. I felt disappointed and frustrated that a friend of mine who was so baik and ‘suci’ did involve in such things. Tak tahulah kan tapi aku sangat pantang dan benci org couple yg duk buat zina di khalayak ramai. And the problem is, those people do not know that all those ‘small’ things that they do are actually categorized as ‘zina’. I did tell her about that but it did not seem to work. And I have to state here that J0hn is not a good guy. He smokes (well, I just hate smokers), he does not concern about his prayers at all (I doubt if he ever gone for Solat Jumaat), I don’t know if he ever drank or anything but he is just not good. At least he is not good for Sa|2ah la.

Entah macam mana ntah, her parents had finally found out about her and J0hn. I don’t know what did her parents do but she called me the other day, told me everything. Her parents were so pissed and she sobbed like hell that I barely heard what she said. Heh.. Tapi nak sedapkan hati buat2 dengar je la kan ;p But I knew then that she was lamenting over what she did. She told me that she appreciated every word I spilled to her and couldn’t be more thankful without them. I was glad to hear that, felt happy for her for FINALLY realized everything. BUT, it does not stop there. Last week, my other friend called me and said Sa|2ah and J0hn are still meeting each other up. That did not really tick me off because I think she really needs time to do some makeovers but you know, when I rang her up like zillion times and she did not answer me and when I found out that she keeps meeting that repellent dud, I felt upset. I don’t know why but she is not who she is now.

So I called her with my dad’s number and she did answer the call. That was how everything got started. I don’t mind if she said ‘Ko memang selfish!’ or ‘Ko nak smua org faham kau tapi ko tak pernah nak faham org lain’ or ‘U will never understand dina because you’re heartless’ or whatever. I really don’t mind. I tried to understand her feelings and her situation that she’s confronting now but one thing I could not accept was when she said ‘You know what dina. Kau memang tak berhati perut, suka masuk campur hal orang padahal diri sendiri tak terjaga. Now I know why Max hates you so much’. I was like…. ‘SORRRY misss??!!’ maka berlakulah perang besar. Haha.. Aku paling benci nak gaduh or marah2 orang lebih2 lagi dgn kawan sendiri tapi… ntahla. I just tried to be concern about her. I don’t want her to lose the real grip. If I was really selfish and all I think and care about is just me, then I would not have to get involved in all this crap in the first place. I’ve got loads of other things to bother. But different person has different way of approach right? All I can do is just pray to Allah; may she accept everything with an open heart.

You know what; I have always believed that love will never be able to be understood. It either makes you happy or sad. The thing is, you can’t choose both one and you’ll never know which one will you get in the end. I did ask Dad, if you have two ways with different outcomes, which one will you choose. Dad said, ‘Take both because one has ample time to be regretful if he or she took the wrong path. That is why God gives us a room to improve and be a better soul.’ I agree with that and I myself do believe that no matter which path you take, there’s always a positive side underneath it. Everything happens for a reason. BUT somehow, if you are already aware with the drawbacks of either way that you’ll face at the end of the line, why do you go for it in the first place? WHY??! And can you assure yourself that you still have AMPLE time to be regretful? If death came with a faster pace, what other choice do you have?

This morning I sms-ed her ‘I did love Max wholeheartedly but he made me loved myself even more. I don’t want to suffer because of love. It’s not worth suffering.’ and yea, of course she did not reply. You know what; I hope, just hope that one fine day, she’ll come across me and say ‘You are right, dina. I was a fool back then. I should have listened to you’. But no matter how hard she explains, I will never understand…

The day when I was a witness

My phone rang
‘Hello. Kak @na kat mane? dina dah sampai. You want me to go straight to the icu?’
‘Eyh saba la budak. Kak @na tak sampai lagi la. I’m gona be there in a bit. Wait for me at the entrance’

5 minutes after that..
‘I dah agak dah. There must be a massive echo tapi diorg tak caye’
‘Yesterday there was not even a murmur and the patient was getting worse so terpaksa la hantar ijn. And you were right, they diagnosed the same thing.’
‘I’ve told them about that. diorang siap gelak lagi.. Oh btw, this is my niece, dina. Dina, this is dr. r@ja, she’s a paeds.’

After 5minutes in the conversation, we went straight to a room. ‘bilik persalinan’ came across my sight.
‘Dina tukar baju ni. And wear this cap and mask. And then take one pair of the shoes’
‘Err ok.. Are we going to the OT?’
‘Oh kak @na tak bagitau eh? Yes dear, the patient will be there in any minute. If any of them ask u anything, just say u’re a first year medical student ok. And feel free to ask anything. Ok we have to rush now. The patient is already in there’

After 2minutes of running..
‘Wow, this is cool’ I said to myself as we entered the OT. But gee, there was a young lady; probably my age was lying helplessly on the bed. She looked pale and frightened to death. Weeping and shivering. I myself was stunned like hell. It was my first experience and that was not what I expected. Everything in there was hectic and frenzied; full of activity. What I was looking ahead to was something more calm and in control. Well, not to say that they were not managing it well but it just sent shock waves across the extent.

‘Ok, Yap. Jangan takut. Tarik nafas dalam-dalam. Kita tidurkan awak sekejap ok.’ said kak @na. And that young lady kept crying. It was awful. Out of nowhere, there were 2 surgeons plunged in, preparing themselves for the op. Her swelled belly had finally uncovered and the lady was by now unconscious. What in my head was ‘the doctors must have planned to get rid of something in the belly. Could be a tumor or something?’

Few seconds after that, the op started. I stood idly at the corner of the room, too staggered to come closer. Everything happened so fast. Several minutes later, I saw the doctor whipped something out of the belly and to my greatest surprise, it was a fainted baby! Subhanallah. The baby was completely purplish and it did not move at all! My brain was like ‘Woaw!!!! This is too drastic man!’. I did not expect a baby in the first place! And the baby was nearly passed away! Thank Allah kak @na managed to keep the baby alive. That was truly an experience and it kept hang around in my head until now.

‘So, rasa nak terpengsan tak? Kak @na macam nak naik gila bila stethoscope tu tak dengar apa2. Alhamdulillah baby tu selamat.’
‘Dina terkejut gile. Tak sangka pun semua benda tu.’
‘Macam tu la kerje doctor. You need to get well prepared to handle such situation anytime. Lepas ni ada day care case pulak. Budak 3 and 1 tahun kena hernia and Dr. Ger@rd will do the op. Sebelum tu, kita makan nasik lemak dulu ok.’
‘Err ok. Anything you say’ I was still on a shock stage of mind. Still muddling things through with mentally unprepared.

Then we lepak2 at the ‘bilik rehat’, chatting and getting to know with the doctors and nurses. They were very nice. By coincidence, one of the docs was Along Ima’s GP so we got along pretty well. I had never been in a place where people kept talking about things that I’d never heard before. All those medical terms, they were hell out of my hearing. One of the staff nurses even said ‘you have to read up then you will know what we’re talking about.’ ‘I’m sorry?? You want me to read all those stuff? Helllo…I haven’t even done my a-level, please!’. Heh..obviously I said that to myself ;p

Inside the OT9..
‘Abah..abah jangan pergi jauh2 tau..’
‘Ye, abah ade kat sini. Adik takyah takut tau. Nanti doctor cucuk tak sakit. Macam kene gigit nyamuk je.’
‘Abah, adik sejuk. Adik taknak duk sini.. Diorg nak buat apa ni?’
‘Alaa kejap je. Doctor nak ubat adik la. Adik nak sihat tak?’ The father looked calm. The boy looked puzzled and scared. I pulled my head away. My eyes started to dwell. I could not stand this. The silly sentimentality began to kick in. And then kak @na’s voice broke in. ‘Ok, adik jangan takut ye. Doktor nak cucuk sikit kat tangan boleh?’ The boy shook his head. ‘Taknak? Ok la, doktor bagi adik ubat adik tarik nafas dalam2 ok? Bau strawberry tau!’ kak @na tried to persuade the boy but he refused to inhale the gas. ‘Ok, kalau macam tu doktor cucuk sikit kat tangan ok?’. After the boy inadvertently gave his hand and after kak @na injected some kind of drugs inside the tube, the boy gradually became unconscious. The father was asked to wait outside. Dr. Ger@rd and another 2 staff nurses stood aside, prepared for the op. ‘Oh Dr. Ger@rd, you’re already here. Here’s my niece, Dina. She’s a medical student. She’ll be around for a few days, just to have a simple view on life as a doctor.’

Dr. Ger@rd was a very nice doctor. He showed me and explained one by one how the op was conducted. I was impressed. Albeit it was a minor operation, that was the first time I could lay my eyes on such situation that close. Everything was smack bang in the middle of my sight. After Dr. Ger@rd done his job, kak @na need to make sure that the patient could be conscious again and breathe normally. I was impressed by kak @na as well. She managed everything very well. Since the number of anesthetist in Hosp. Putrajaya can be counted on the fingers of one hand, the demand is very high. So she needs to rush from one OT to another and make sure everything goes well.

‘Dina belajar betul2 ok. Always keep in your mind that everything is actually God’s will. Doctors can only do their best, they cannot decide. And never ever be arrogant. Always be humble..’

Through out this experience, one thing that I promise to myself; I want to be like them. I don’t want to just help people out, but I want to decide the best for them..

A Beautiful Mind

‘Imagine... If you had suddenly learned that the people and the places and the moments most important to you were not gone, not dead, but worse – had never been real. What kind of hell would that be?’ –A Beautiful Mind

It hurts you the most. It possibly eradicates your soul ultimately. But it appears that you don’t have too much choice, do you? Sometimes you can’t expect people to completely understand how your world looks like, how it feels to breathe the air you inhale, how things that come across your sight look like. You cannot expect people to perceive life with the same meanings as you do. You cannot force people to be in your shoes. You neither can blame people if they don’t be as who you wish them to be. And sometimes you just need a place to go to, a person to turn to, and a moment to cherish about just to make yourself feel better. Alas, if they turned out unreal, how devastated you could be? They were what you’d been waiting for all this while. To some extent, you hardly accepted it but no choice you had, that was how life treated you and nothing you could do, how hopeless and helpless you were, life must go on.

Along Ima asked me the other day ‘Dina, kau tak kisah ke orang lain bace ko punye blog. I mean, ko tak kisah ke orang tau ko punye personal life?’. Honestly, I do mind people read my blog. That’s why I don’t really fancy silent readers but it’s nothing I can avoid can I? I mean, that is what I should expect in the first place right? Well, I don’t actually spill everything in here so there’s nothing I should be worried about. And I’ve decided to keep blogging which means I don’t have any other choice than accept silent readers and let them know more about me. That is somewhat a compliment though; at least there are people out there who want to know about me. Heh.. The stat even tracks down a person who has googled my name. Haih.. saba je laa. But being a no braggart, I really don’t have things to show off. My life is simply normal, not a fairy tale although this is called a ‘fantasy’. Then you can see the purpose of the word ‘dreaming’ there. Oh crap… I’m bored actually and have nothing to blog about (yea right..and this is going to be what, the 3rd paragraph? Heh..)

Anyways, I went to banting last 2 days. I did not really know what was the purpose of going there but I was damn bored doing nothing at home so I decided to meet up my friends there. Why banting you ask? Well, first, it is just a thirty-minute drive. Tak larat ah pegi sunway or intec. Second, banting is the parkampungan of maresmawians so most of my good friends are there. Some even run the MPP. Hah!! Talking about pulun!! Hehe.. Bangge ape 4org run mpp. Senang keje aku kalo aku run SC nnt kalau nak buat friendly match basketball ke. Tebus kekalahan kyu3m!! Err ok I’m dragging too much. Third, they’re still in the examination mode so had been thinking that my presence would cheer them up a bit! Heh.. I did that I tell ya! Borak2, gosip2. Sempat main basket lagi tu. Hehe.. agak terpegun ah dengan cara hidup sihat diorg. Huhu.. have to admit that they have a bigger field and two basketball courts. I repeat, TWO BASKETBALL COURTS!! So pakcik *Rashid Ismail terpakse ah melabur duit for the second court for kyu3m. Heh.. Fourth, seems like they were the only friends who still not in the middle of the holidays so they might not know how thrilling the holidays could get so I was there to do my job! Heh..

You know what; I kinda miss the sweet moments back then in Langkawi. 2 years are not enough and we’re split in the middle of that. Maybe they don’t really feel what I feel but being amongst them in one place together would not be the same as spending 2years in kyu3m without them. Don’t get me wrong, kyu3m is the best place one could ever be in and I’m very thankful for that but when it comes to friends, it’s very hard to emerge a truthful friendship as one. Lebih2 lagi a shy person like me (ehem..) takes a very long time to find a good friend. But I believe in faith though. I know that 2years in kyu3m will definitely be as precious as the years in Langkawi. Perhaps, it could be even better. Who knows :) I’ve even met someone there. Ooops, terlepas! Heh.. No no, can’t say much about that. If Izy read this, let she be even more confused. Hahaha *keji*

So Mum rang up kak @na just now; asking about my job attachment. She said there is not much thing to see in Hospital Putrajaya. I mean, she is an anesthetist, and all that she involved in is gassing people up. Yea, more or less like bluescrubber and most of the times she’ll be around the ICU; a place where I can’t expect more. Things would be more interesting if I could witness more ‘real’ cases like ones in emergency department but since Along Ima is in her mc, I don’t have a choice. It’s not that bad though. Hopefully. Heh.. don’t worry, I’m not like p3j@i yang pulun buat job attachment sampai ke pahang die pegi. Huhu.. Lupi kate keje ikut2 doctor ni boring so should I not expect too much right? Heh.. yang penting ikhlas, kan?

So I think it’s time to shut my brain down and save it for tomorrow. Pray hard for me not get anyone into trouble or piss nurses off. Heh.. Nite!

*Just in case of you’re wondering, it’s the name that we give for Mr. Rich@rd Sm@||. And those weird spellings are to minimize the chance of being detected by the search engine ;p ta!

why I blog

Ahaha.. It’s very funny indeed. I really did not expect the comment. Huhu.. You really wanted to read that post did you? Hehe.. No, no problem at all. Not all people know that they still can reach that ‘deleted’ post like you did. Aku laa tu yg tak tahu. Haha.. Thanx mr. stranger. Now I learn something; make sure you delete the entry that you want to delete, do not just ‘save as draft’ because the spider can still look for it through the web. Heh..

Since the unexpected incident caught me on the wrong foot the other day, I now realized that internet is no longer the right place to share things. One by one, people got here by googling something if it’s not their name. Google ecotrip ah, MYC, kyuem ah. Aduh… Pastu tak tinggal tapak kaki plak tu. Aish.. I don’t think I can write as frequent as I’ve been writing all this while (can I? heh..). I know you will laugh at the statement that I’ve just made and say “Haha what do you expect? Blogging your routine without people know about it?”. I’ve always been aware of that since the very beginning. In fact that was not why I started blogging for by transferring a blog into a diary. That was definitely not the reason. If you want me to admit, I do keep a diary up till now. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, is it not? I love writing albeit I’m not very good at it but at least I’m trying and learning. It was something that I learn back then; share things with people and gets feedbacks from what you blogged about and hope that the feedbacks will encourage you to perceive life better. I do learn things a lot from this :) That’s the best part of all.

I still remember the first time I got myself into the blogging world was through a friend (hint: his blog is one of my reverences :) yep, I do read his blog till now). And as of then, I started to learn the word ‘bloghopping’ when I reached a few blogs of people that I know. What they wrote mostly reflected my own life and so they were somehow encouraged me to own one and that was how this so-called ‘dreaming in fantasy’ exists by ruminating that this would give me benefits in return. Ade laa sikit2 kot. Never thought that the intention of making this; blogging; just for the hell of it led me into so many things. Be it good or bad, there were always things for me to learn about. I even met new friends like Dr. Mirul in Simferopol and Syazwan in Lille. And then there were the Mr. Plumber with his cute kids :) and the tough mummy who struggles so hard fighting with the cancer, Nadya the supercool photographer who figuratively encouraged me into photographing (now I’m obsessed with it. Heh..) Uncle Saiful :), that pakcik codger, blurscrubber and soooo many more. Oh and not to forget, that si budak redza that I met in Manchester couple of years ago, never expected to meet him again in this cyber world. Heh.. I am really appreciated for giving the opportunities to meet such people. They are just great. Could not find them if I did not blog in the first place. Heh..

Most of the times during the long holiday I had were spent on reading people’s blogs. Nothing I did at home but sitting on this chair in front of this computer for hours and hours while other of my friends were busy with things like anime and stuff. And over the months, I learned some stuff about html and all; on how to make my blog more attractive (heh..yea, of course you can say this blog is not attractive at all.), how to put up that music box with Michael Buble’s song, Home (Thanx uncle saiful ;p) and whatnots. Needless to say I lapped it up very much. There’s even a person who has finally built up his own blog now although he seldom updates the blog up. (Promotion done!) Hehehehe.. Now, with a hectic life I’m leading on, I don’t have much time to spend on blogging and bloghopping. Kadang2 rase rindu jugak dah lama tak bloghopping. Rase macam tertanye2 “mcm mane ek so-on-so skrg ni..”. And to my discouragement, some of my favorite bloggers have even terminated their blogs. As I’ve said before, mine will grind to a halt one sweet day. Never know when, never know how. But I will definitely do…

Anyway.. it's almost 3 in the morning. Smalam tido pukul 3 gak lepastu bangun 12jam kemudian. Hahaha teruk perangai. I'm going out tomorrow with anid and icah to KLCC tengok Narnia. Talking about Narnia, I don't quite get it why the lion, witch and bla bla is the first to be shown. The Narnia series have been existed in this house since I was like what, seven? And as far as I'm concerned, the first book is supposed to be 'The Magician Boy' not that 'the lion, witch and bla bla..' hurrmm..tak kisah laa. Just hope that I don't fell asleep in the cinema. Heh.. Nite! Have a good weekends ppl!

Another Memory to be Engraved

So people keep visiting my blog day by day. I was eventually struck by the numerous visitors who got into here by googling someone’s name and I’m not very pleased with that. Needless to say that a few of friends have started to ask about it so no choice I have, the entry ‘..inhale..exhale..’ has been deleted :) There’s even a person who has pulun-ed gile babeng to read the entry but in vain because my pace is fortunately faster. Sorry ye bang! Heh.. No, not because I’m afraid of people knowing my bad attitude of talking shit behind people’s back. It’s nothing like that. It’s just that I really did not mean to say such words. People always make mistakes, right? And being an ordinary person, I always try to be a better one. And moreover, I don’t want him to know about that because it might lead into something I don’t like. So, yea, I think that’s enough.

Anyway, everyone around has started to talk about ‘freedom’ and ‘relief’ into which I might not really get myself. The SPM is over, the AUSMAT is over, the MUFY is over, the ADFP will be over soon and yea, my first semester is over as well but it does not seem comparable to others. ‘Baru first sem beb, 3sem lagi nak kene pulun’ said a friend. Oh well… Don’t worry; IB is not over yet too. Heeh.. I need to get my job attachment done by next 2 weeks, have to go for the community service some time later and at the same time I need to make sure that my revision proceeds as planned. Otherwise, the ‘relief’ won’t get into my sight especially when it comes to entering the AS level in November. Mum called up MARA yesterday to ask something about Lupi’s laptop payment and accidentally she spoke to En. Khaizan the officer who is in charge of MARA scholars in my college. And the bad part was when he asked “So Rushdina macam mana? Study ok?” He knew he isn’t supposed to ask so, did he not? Because the report will anyhow get to him soon enough and yea, he should expect the unexpected. Hehe..

Although it may sound depressing especially when the thought of next years’ undertakings need to be contemplated, it has always been good to keep thinking about my life mission. Three-day camp in Bukit Tinggi has made me realize how, why and what has the globe been up to these days. As we suit to the word ‘manusia’ itself, we can never run away from being forgetful and scatterbrained. I don’t have the ability to talk and to deliver words that can give at least a slight impact on others’ religious consciousness but I’ll try my best to do whatever I can. Perhaps by being one of the SCs, who knows? Heh.. I’d be very glad to share the knowledge that I gained from the camp but let’s keep that for another entry shall we?

So the trip to Pulau Jerejak the other day was extremely magnificent to a point that we had had our money’s worth out of that trip and did not mind if we had to pay more for another extra 2 or 3 days. heh... All 4 houses gathered at the guard house around 7am, loading bags onto the busses and waiting for everyone to be there. It was as lively as a party even at that wee hour of morning when everyone was buzzing around with excitement and minds were as relax as they could be. Come on, it was a house trip, not an educational trip or whatever so you should not bother about studies, should you? Diamond pulled off around 730 and reached Penang around 1230 in the noon. We had our lunch in a nasi kandar restaurant which I found not worth it at all. Being very choosy Aqtar, he complained a lot. Heh..

Around 230, we crossed the channel to Pulau Jerejak by ferry (was there any other mean?) and took about 10 to 15 minutes to reach the Island. Believe me, the island was very beautiful and the resort itself was..wooooowww!!! Upon reaching the entrance, and while everyone was busy taking photographs, Azmir went to the reception to settle up stuff and retrieved our keys. Four-bedded room for each four of us was way enough than we should expect; comfortable and spacious with a magnificent beach view. After everything was settled down, then we did the beach activities! This was the best part of all. The guys had the futsal tournament and some of us played volley and geng2 kanak-kanak riang main game ape ntah. Tapi mmg masyuk habes ah! Huhu.. We played till dusk fell and there it was, the dazzling sun was about to set. Unlucky me for not having my photographing skill to stop the moment from running away :’(

At night, we had our superb dinner. The food was heavenly good especially the lamb and bread pudding. Boy I miss those tucks. After gobbled up the food, then we had a light entertainment by some oh-so-talented performers :) I’d never known that Azmir could play guitar very fine and Dehe could sing verrrrrrryyy well as in I’d rather hear William Hung sings. Heh.. And then we had this strange game whereby we were divided into groups of ten to twenty and one group had to sing a song which started with the last letter of previous group’s song. Needless to say that my group won that stupid game. Huhu.. Dehe sungguh pasrah sekali. Haha.. Around 11 or so, we dismissed and had a rest for the next day’s activities.

So we had flying fox for the next day. We had to cross a suspension bridge before we could do the flying fox. I have to admit that the bridge was not really high but believe me; I crossed that thing as fast as I could and struggled really hard to put the acrophobia away. Haha.. Gayat gile!! No second cross after that ok. Hehe.. The flying fox was not so bad albeit it was my first time, I did it quite well. Heh.. It was fun :) By 1pm, we checked out and went straight to the main Island after having our lunch. We initially planned to pull off straight to Lembah Beringin right after that but since semua orang tak puas lagi, kitorang shopping kat Gurney Plaza sampai asar then baru betolak balik college. Dengan banggenye, Diamond was the last house to reach college at 10pm. Heh.. That basically was all. Even though it was an only one-night trip; we had a very sweet moment out of the trip. Too bad that would be the last house trip which will be inserted in college calendar because after this, no more house trip for every house. Paling baik pun buat picnic je ah kat kerling tuh. Huhu..

So anyone interested in having your holiday in Pulau Jerejak? You won’t regret ;P

Click here for more photos.

It's your choice; you pick :)

A fren of mine gave me this and I found it a bit sarky. My intention of putting up this link is not to mortify or to take anybody down but to share a fact of life nowadays. Some words might be inappropriate but after all, it's their own way to deliver the message and we as the listener, should take the positive side and bak kata ustad *rizal, dengar dgn MATA HATI ok? :) Semoga kita semua (especially the girls) get the message and plzzz..do think it wisely :)

[note:the link will be closed by next week]

*bukan nama sebenar. takut nanti terkantoi lagi. heh..

deepest apology

Yesterday I had a very unexpected visitor. Jeng jeng jeng. How did she get here? Well, it’s not a long story but it’s more to a ‘terkantoi’ situation. When the technology is getting overwhelming, everything will seem possible and world becomes even smaller. Even the poles can reach this blog. Heh..

Sejak peristiwa terkantoi ni and another few embarrassing situations I did to several of my friends, rase mcm diri ni jahat gile la pulak. Heh.. wira and izy agak terkantoi besar juge. Terkantoi ape?? Well, ceritenye sgt panjang tapi to be short, they are quite fuming and feel inflicted. Honestly, I really did not mean to put them in such situation. My intention was just to make it as a fun thing, not to mortify or take people down. But yea, could it not be helped, everything turned out not very good. Even my good guy friend terkantoi gak (ehem…u know who u are. I am so so so sorrryy!!). I learn a lesson from this ok, I really do. Just hope those people will not keep it to themselves for any longer. No hard feelings please!!! =)

Anyway, yesterday we had the last activity conducted by the Student Council 05/06 which was the SC Open House Festival in regard to the Hari Raya and Deepavali celebration. We were honored by the presence of Dr. Ikmal, the CEO of UEM Berhad and also by all the staff and teachers. Some performances were taking place and they were all splendid and marvelous. The most touching part was when they presented the video presentation of the whole semester events, including the induction week. Sangat sedih and terharu. Heh.. satu semester rasenye mcm berjuta kot aktiviti. Tak larat dah rase.. tapi mmg sangat best la. They are indeed moments that will never be forgotten. One semester has passed off and one semester left for the seniors before they end their college lives and are about to depart to their own path. Isk..sungguh sedih…

Bende yang lagi menyedihkan lagi is, Diamond kalah basketball final lawan Topaz!!!!!!! Oh tidaak!! The game was held yesterday evening and apparently it was drizzling and the court was so wet and slippery. We posed to play indoor game, inside the MPH, but then Batu (or I’d rather call him Akmal), the referee said nobody wanted to arrange the MPH and of course because of time constraints. Akmal macam agak bengang jugak laa kot sebab Diamond ni byk songeh. Hari tu match lelaki Diamond vs Garnet (Akmal is a garnetor) main gaduh mcm ape sampai kene rematch. Lepastu Diamond girls pernah jugak mintak rematch dengan Topaz sbb kalah tanpa bertanding. Sbb tu la akmal mcm bengang kot. Tengok time die bengang, terigt Lupi. Tak tahu laa part mane yg terigt tu tp he really reminds me of Lupi. Ade ar gaye sket2. heh.. Anywayyy..the game was held as planned, maka adela agenda tergolek2, tergelincir sume tu. Mane taknye, court basah gile! Nak mengomel pun kat diri sniri je ah kan. Topaz plak mcm tak pasal2 aggressive gile so dengan itu, Diamond pun kalah. Point brape? Takyah tanye kot. Heh.. lagi membengangkan, final match for guys which was right after the girls match, Garnet vs Topaz main indoor game pulak!!! Tensyen je.. shat was very disappointed because initially she was over confident that Diamond would win the game but it turned out otherwise. Takpela, ade hikmah disebaliknye. Next battle is, BANGSAWAN!!!! Go Diamond!!

As I’ve said before, I’ll post up the entry about the trip to Pulau Jerejak the other day. General speaking, the trip was extremely fun. We really had a great time there. Nak cite banyak tapi not now kot. Tengah tunggu gambar from Yaya sbb yaya ade byk gambar sket. I’ll post it up as soon as I got home which is after the MYC ends next Monday. Talking about MYC, we’re gonna have a briefing this evening. And the venue for the camp has been changed to Bukit Tinggi instead of going to Dusun Eco Park. Actually the venue is not what the event is all about. What really matters is we can spend time together and have fun. And of course, being a better person :)

Anyways, the statcounter showed something unexpected today. It managed to track people from somewhere I've never thought of; Imperiall College with more than 10visits, Edinburgh University Local Area Network with at least 4visits, Queen Mary And Westfield College (ehem..the jeng jeng jeng I presume), Colorado School Of Mines with more than 7visits, University Of Newcastle Upon Tyne, London School Of Economics And Political Science, Campus Network For University Of Warwick, Eircom Ltd Dublin, Cambridge University Local Area Network, Xaverian College (i think this is redza) and beberape yg lain yg pelik. In only 1 day, the stat managed to track up to 30 odd visitors. Hmm....terase tahpape jugak ah blog tahpape ni dilawati oleh org2 spt itu. tak kisah laa.. tapi bak kate abg lan, tinggalkan laa tapak kaki tu ye. heh..

It’s almost 10. I’ve got chemistry class at 10 so better sign off now. Will blog more soon. Have a nice day!