What A Difference You Have Made In My Life

He’s gone. He’s finally there; light years away. I’ve tried not to be so emotional and poignant but I’m not that strong. Too many moments to be cherished and every time I sit back and flip through albums; the pictures always evoke memories of our childhood years and I can’t hold back the tears and undeniably will end up sniffling. I’m too sensitive to bear all those melancholy. It just cannot be helped.

Mum said, when I was born, he could not accept the fact that I’m his sister. He hated the fact that he failed to get people’s attention because everyone was very happy for my presence. Every time Mum called him and asked him to kiss the little cute baby, he would run away from people and put himself out of sight. I don’t know why and how much he hated the baby but somehow I know why he could not accept it as I would act the same way if I were in his shoes.

Time flew and we grew to be very close. Being 2 years older than me, I always depended on him in whatever I did. Like I’ve said before, I could not stop crying during my first day in nursery. I refused to get into class and screaming for Lupi. I didn’t care if he felt embarrassed which he surely did. Hehe.. He accompanied me for several days before I was able to go into class. We laughed and cried together. We shared each other’s secret. We went to school together. We fought and calmed each other. We even celebrated our birthday together every year. We simply did everything in concert.

Time kept flying and something by some means dragged us apart. I’m not sure what it was but I could feel the gap. He got an offer to further his studies in STAR, Ipoh and that was when I was eleven. Ever since, we were not as close as we used to. Every time he got home, we seldom talked to each other. He never teased me the way he did to anid and icah. I don’t know why but we seemed as if we were complete strangers to each other. Albeit so, I knew a lot about him; I was the first to know that he actually a smoker, I’d chanced upon the saved-conversation between him and his friends over YM, I knew whom he had a crush on. I knew quite a lot about him which nobody did. But I kept it to myself, did not tell anybody even to anid. I never realized that I actually had known him better.

Until one day, I happened to answer the phone call from his principal who wished to talk to Dad but Dad was not around. The principal did not leave any message so I was completely baffled by that and did not know what it was all about. The next day, the principal called Dad up again and by Dad’s stunning voice, I could feel something bad happened and my thought was right. He had been said in involving in the High Council group so he was expelled from school. Dad was extremely disappointed but I knew Lupi felt worse. That was the first time I saw him sobbed like hell, kept keeping himself in room. Every night I could hear his sniffle and I could not help myself from weeping as well. I calmed him down, comforted him, lent my shoulder for him to cry on and lent my ears for his entire lamentations. Sadly, that was just my thought. I did not have the guts to do so.

Had been said that despondency will come along with its hikmah and it was the moment where Lupi spent his time with us at home. We rebuilt the bond that used to forge between us and closer we become. Although not as close as we were when we were kids but was enough for me to appreciate him as a brother.

But time kept cutting us off. I was then had to go to Langkawi for study. The moment at the airport when I was about to depart to Langkawi, Lupi hugged me and said “I love you dina. I know you will make Mum and Dad proud”. Tears simply fell down my cheeks and could not stop like water running from a tap. And his words were the encouragement for me to keep going on this life. During his SPM results announcement day, my mind did not seem to focus on my studies for the whole day. I skipped my lunch after class and ran straight to my room and quickly grabbed my phone and called Dad. And when Dad said “Alhamdulillah nak, Lupi dpt straight A1”, I could not stop myself from sobbing. I cried and cried, and missed him very much. I sms-ed him immediately “Lupi, congrats for the excellent result. I’m very happy for you” and he replied “Thanx, sayang kau..” and I… well, you know what I did after that. Heh..

When I was in Langkawi, he never failed to wish my birthday and always wished me all the best whenever I had an exam to sit for. For years, that was how we lived our life, always seemed beautiful in words in sms, email or such but we never told each other about our stuff. Although Lupi seemed to tell anid more things rather than me especially about ‘so-and-so’ but I did not mind at all because we both knew what’s hidden behind all those words.

When Mum and Dad were in Manchester, I spent most of my holidays with Lupi AND his friends. I HAD TO come along involuntarily for every lunch and dinner time. And that was really unpleasing because his friends were so annoying. Because of the fact that he did not leave me alone at home, I could accept that. Although he did not seem so brotherly or whatever, he had helped me a lot. He was my driver to wherever I went and he did not seem to mind if he had to wait for me for hours. He never said “no” if I asked him for help. When I had my seven-month holiday, I was his driver who sent him to college and fetched him up every weekend. It was not a burden at all; the time I spent with him was what mattered.

Time flies. When I got the offer to go to K-wai-U3M, he told me to use the opportunity as best as I could. “Aku dulu teringin sangat nak pergi sana, tapi dapat KMB nak wat camne. Tapi aku happy ah ko dpt pegi lmbah bringin”. And then he got an offer to read medicine in University College Cork, Ireland. I knew he was somewhat disappointed because he really wanted to go to UK but Allah knows better and he accepted it wholeheartedly. Ever since, I kept counting the days before he flew off to Ireland. I was always wondering how he would survive over there (dia paling tak pandai masak!), how he could cope with everything and all. All I could do was just pray him for the best.

The time had finally come. All of us sent him to the airport on Friday evening. I said to myself “No matter what happen, do not cry!” and I did very well initially. But not until the moment he was about to depart, he started to cry. And my floodgate obviously could not hold back the pressure so it opened. I hugged him as if I did not want to let him go but I had no choice. I watched him walked away and prayed to Allah “May he become a successful Surgeon one day”.

Life is never as it seems.

There are twists and turns; in the road, we travel.
When our paths met, I knew you'd make a difference in my life.
You have made that difference.
You have given and continue to give me a reason to live.
There is no other way around it.
You have saved me time and time again with the love you've given me.
Truly, you have made a difference in my life.
Courage to write the next story or poem.
Knowing as I do, that you will read it and tell me what you think.
Not only that, but with that comment or praise, there is love felt with it as I read your Heart Words.
Know for always and forever, you truly have made a difference that only you could do.
It is one of the reasons why I love you so.
-thepoeticbear-

All the best, brother. We're going to miss you as much as you do. Dina sayang Lupi =)