Hiatus

“Thanx a lot for the wish. Miss and love you lotss. Take care xxx”

You know how simple words could give such big impact on you and simply brightened your day up when nobody around you did. It might sound a bit cliché and not all people are able to appreciate the hidden meaning of the words but to me, this message did actually make me become sentimental over it. Dina, biase la bende2 kecik mcm ni pun nak sentimental. Bosan je kan. Huhu.. Yesterday [what? Dah February dah ke? Aduhai..] was along ima’s birthday and I wished her with typical family-birthday-wish. She was doing her ward rounds tadi so kelam kabut sket nak reply message aku. Huhu.. But I really appreciate it though. Now, aku rasa sangat homesick :(

Anyways, I know I haven’t been updating for quite awhile and I’m doing it now just for the sake of being a blogger [and yea, I feel like writing something though..]. Life has been so hectic in these few days especially when the most awaited B@ng$awan is approaching soon. I’ve never been this busy [well maybe I had but I couldn’t recall how the exact situation was] and sometimes I came to think why did in the first place I accept the offer to be one of those in charging of the event. It has been months to sketch everything out and to tell you the truth, it doesn’t go as planned. Well, I’m not blaming anyone; it’s just a fact that I need to perceive in dealing with this kind of circumstances and I’m gladly say that it really teaches me a lot. No matter how busy I am – I couldn’t catch up my studies and had to skip a few classes – I don’t feel even the slightest regret because somehow or another, I could feel something positive developing within and I’m kinda thankful to be given this opportunity actually. My time is coming and I’m going to step down soon so it should be my obligation to work my *** off and give all-out to this grand affair.

Hmm.. I don’t really have things to blog actually [ade je banyak bende tapi tak larat laa.. sangat penat. Heh..]. Firstly, on my personal note, I’m actually glad and happy and pleased and God-knows-what to receive a reply from him. Gumbire! Hehe.. Secondly, about my interview with Notts the other day, it was ok. Yep, as simple as that. Sounds apathetic? Haha agak la disitu. No, actually the interview went out smoothly. I answered all questions confidently with a big smile painted on my face but I just feel it could have been much better. And to tell you the truth, all hopes that I’ve been saving all this while shatter off to pieces just like that. I know it’s too early to say anything but I could feel somehow that my application status right now is not really on my side. Bajet ah, yg pegi interview ng aku hari tu sume hebat2 seperti Fir@ yang dah dapat offer Cambridge pun, so agak la rasa intimidated in a way. But it’s ok. Prayer is just the only choice I have for now. On a positive note however, my counselor said that Leicester interviewer the other day did specifically mention my name and she sounded quite positive about me. Well, it’s a good thing to hear but I don’t want to put high hopes on that. Things could happen without prior notice and indeed, everything is kerja Allah untuk tentukan apa yang terbaik untuk aku so, just wait and see :)

Thirdly, about the B@ng$awan thingy, the competition is very intense. Masing2 nak buat yang terbaik and semua orang tengah tensyen2 sekarang ni. Walaupun aku tak pernah pulak selama ni skip kelas sebab TERoverslept [pernah je. Hehe.. tapi last week, 2 kelas maths and 2 kelas chem aku miss!] sebab letih sangat and memang kalau nak ikutkan memang tensyen la, Alhamdulillah aku tak rasa ‘that’ stress. Memang penat and letih la but I can still cope with my conscience and consciousness. Hehe.. Aku mengaku aku memang tak sepower and sehebat d0d0 dulu tapi so far, kerja semua jalan. Walaupun not as smoothly as I hope it to be tapi hidup lagi la.

Dulu aku selalu ingat ‘kalau jadik head of props kene pandai marah2, arah2 and strict dengan orang yang kerja bawah aku’ and dulu aku tak confident nak jadik HOP sebab aku tak geti marah orang selain adik aku sniri. Heh.. Tapi what I learned from this experience is to be professional and berhemah in your work. Being a leader doesn’t mean you have all the power to do whatever you like. That’s just not my type. Being strict and firm memang sangat penting, I admit it but to me, as long as you respect other people, people will respect you back. Memang ada sesetengah junior ni memang kepala batu sket but kalau marah2 diorang pun it doesn’t help much. They will learn through experience. Marah tu perlu and penting but not too much. Aku ingat lagi segala bibit2 b@ng$awan dulu dengan senior, memang hebat dan meletop gile. Kadang2 terasa rindu gile kat senior even sampai sekarang. Mungkin sebab masa aku kat Langkawi and kat maahad dulu senior2 aku sume sampah dan takleh harap [astaghfirullah.. jahatnye aku..] and sampai sini, memang rapat gile, so, sedih gak ar bile terkenang mase dulu. Walaupun aku nye pet bro [F@hmi] and pet sis [p@m] aku sekarang lagi baik ngan aku daripada encik p3j@i and kak mir@, terasa jugak la the difference. Tapi aku sayang F@hmi n p@m lagi ar. Syok buli diorang. Hehe..

Ape ntah aku nak cakap senornye ni?

Haa kirenye, walaupun sekarang aku tengah sibuk dengan b@ngs@wan and studies sume dah karam di dasar laut, aku masih ada kekuatan and keyakinan untuk teruskan hidup. And aku percaya, segala kekuatan and kesenangan urusan aku takkan ada kalau bukan Allah yang kurniakan. Aku selalu cakap kat @nid [sebab dia selalu sangat tensyen pasal study sampai marah2 kat aku kalo dia tak faham ape yg aku ajar. Cis!] yang hanya Allah yang boleh bagi kita kekuatan dan takde orang atau benda lain.

Narrated byAbu Musa :He said to me, "O 'Abdullah bin Qais! Say, 'Laa hawla wala quwwata illa billah (There is neither might nor power but with Allah), for it is one of the treasures of Paradise." (part of) Sahih Al-Bukhari 9:484

Aku teringat ada sorang kawan aku dulu, lepas dia clash ngan pakwe die, memang horror gile sampai aku rase tak larat nak layan. Dia kate, “Aku tak dapat bayangkan macam mana aku nak go on with my life lepas ni. Aku tak boleh la dina!”. Tu diaaaa! Statement sikit punye hebat. Aku tak salahkan dia pun. Mungkin aku tak alami lagi pengalaman macam tu or maybe sebab aku terlalu ego untuk kalah dengan diri sendiri hanya sebab bende bodoh macam tu atau mungkin sebab aku terlalu matang [cewah! Haha poyo gile..] but to me, saying things like that is some kind of a humiliation. Come on, life is not just about being in love!! Sebab tu la orang yang putus cinta ni memang horror tak bleh bla. Kalau la diorang sedar yang itulah hakikat cinta manusia yang mengecewakan and menyesatkan, diorang mesti tak jadik sehorror itu. Tapi ye la, mungkin seru belum tiba lagi kan. Doa je la untuk mereka2 itu supaya diperkuatkan semangat..

Aku suka satu phrase aku terbaca dulu tapi tak ingat kat mana, “Dunia ini terlalu hina untuk ditangisi”. Tapi hakikatnya, dunia memang medan tangisan. Dari kita dilahirkan sampai kita dikebumikan, suara tangisan tak pernah henti2. Ustad H@sriz@l pernah cakap, kenapa seorang bayi tu menangis bila keluar dari perut ibunya sebab sebagai satu sinisan daripada Allah bahawa dunia ini memang sebuah medan tangisan. Tengok AF nangis, tengok segala bagai reality tv pun nangis macam takde bende lain je. Aku pun suke nangis jugak ape. Hehe.. Tapi betapa bodohnya kita untuk menangisi kerana dunia yang sangat deceiving ini [uh..pardon my language!]. Mudah2an lepas ni kita perbanyakkan air mata kita sebagai air mata penyesalan dan keinsafan. Mudah2an titisan air mata kita lepas ni menjadi bukti kepada taubat kita kepada Allah. Dan perbanyakkanlah doa kepada Allah supaya diperkuatkan hati dan semangat untuk meneruskan kehidupan di dunia yang amat banyak dugaan ini.

Dah lama tak pegang camera, rindu gilaa nak tangkap gambar :(
Tuhanku..
ketika hati sedang menangis…
hanya Engkau saja yang tahu…
betapa merananya diriku…
tak mungkin yang lain tahu…

Tuhanku,
ketika mereka meninggalkan aku…
sendiri terkapai-kapai…
ketika dunia tiada simpati…
kau tetap mendengar rintihanku…
pada-Mu tempatku menagih kasih…
ketenangan kurasa mendekati-Mu…
syahdu malam tak terasa sunyi…

Tuhanku,
ketika aku dalam kepayahan…
keseorangan dihimpit beban derita…
Kau beri aku kesabaran…
pengalaman mengajar erti kematangan…
lantas Kau membuka pintu hatiku…
untuk memberi kemaafan…
pada mereka yan pernah melukakanku…
pada mereka yang terus melukakanku…
dan pada mereka yang tersedar kerana melukakan…

Tuhanku,
ketika aku buntu…
keliru dengan masa depanku…
Kau berikan aku kekuatan…
Kau tunjukkan aku jalan…
peluang kedua yang sungguh bermakna…
sebagai penyuluh hidupku…
menebus usia yang sia-sia…
mengganti semalam yang pergi…
memperbaiki kelemahan diri…
mempelajari pengajaran dari kesilapan…
menimbus kekecewaan dan dendam…

Tuhanku Yang Maha Pengasih…
rahmat-Mu tak terkira…
syukurku melangit pun tak tercapai…
sungguh aku rasa berdosa…
kerana dulu sering terlalai…
semoga penyesalanku Kau terima…

Wallahu'alam

Hold on to the ROPE OF ALLAH

Siapa ni eh? Berbaur perasaan aku. Bangga ada [sebab selalu sangat orang ni mengecheck blog aku. trime kasih banyak2 :)], malu pun ada [sebab tak pasti apa yang ada dalam blog ni berguna ke tak]. Harap2nya dapat la sedikit sebanyak kebaikan dari blog aku ni [Oh? Adakah?].Anyways, first thing first, SALAM MAAL HIJRAH! A little bit late but better late than never! [bak kate orang laa..]. Harapnya tahun ni kita dapat berhijrah beramai2, insyaAllah :)

Hmm.. I really am contemplating whether or not to terminate this blog. To tell the truth, I have loads of things to write about but I couldn’t get myself a good mood for it, even after going through my first interview, which supposedly should be exciting for me to tell. Well, my interview was great. Alhamdulillah, I think I performed better than what I had expected. Better doesn’t mean that I could guarantee to get a place but I was very satisfied with how it turned out to be. It was very very informal and the admission tutor was very very friendly and she was really fun to chat with. Basically it was personal-statement based and none of the questions were medical related which was good. Hehe.. Overall, we just had a casual chat until she forgot to ask me the basic core questions [i.e why do you wanna do medicine? and why Leicester?]. Out of 9 applicants, I was the only one who wasn’t asked with such things. Is it a good or a bad sign?

Anyways, she mainly asked about myself:

• How do you get into MRSM? Was it through an application or did the government randomly pick you? How was it to study in Langkawi? Was it your first time to be away from home? How did you adapt with the new environment?
• Your SPM results seem to be outstanding [which was replied by ‘Well, everyone did well and got excellent results’] how did you get the scholarship? [And then I talked about MARA scholars in KMB] How do you feel studying here? Do you like this college? What are the differences it offers as compared to KMB?
• Did you enjoy your job attachment? Any interesting event you would like to share? [She didn’t ask about herniorrhaphy and tonsillectomy that I put in the PS!]
• What about your curriculum activities? Do they help you in becoming a whole rounded person? How do you find DOE?
• Ow and you write here that you like to blog and take photos. What is blogging? [Hehe.. I basically told her that it is a personal journal on the net that you could freely write anything you like and you often get feedbacks from the readers and form a discussion on certain topics. Doesn’t sound like mine? Hahaha betul2.. but she did look quite surprise with the existence of such thing. Hehe lawak betul makcik itu..]
• [I mentioned about Lupi and Along Ima in my personal statement] So how many siblings do you have? Have your brother and sister been your idols towards becoming a doctor? Have they told you anything regarding being a med student? [I basically talked all about the good things lah!] How about the downsides of being a med student?
• Towards the end, she asked me if I had anything to ask her so I asked about the opportunity to work in the UK after one has done the MRCPs and indeed, due to the new policy which was brought up last year, the priority are given to the EU doctors and what she said was right, it is all up to the Government, the university has no control over it.
  

And then we continued our informal chat. Seronok laa.. Die cite smalam die naik gajah la, mandi sungai la, die siap recommend aku lagi suruh naik Eye in Malaysia tu. Haha.. I think it was the most informal interview I have ever had [mock interview pun lagi susah!] and even if I wasn’t accepted for a place in Leicester, at least I think I had done my best and I’m very satisfied with it. The rest of it is no longer in my authority. Now, I have to let Him decide everything.

Now, here comes the important part..

When I got the rejection email from Leicester, I was very shocked at first because as far as I was concerned, Leicester is one of the most ‘easiest’ universities to apply to, so to speak. Even if they don’t give offer, at least they call for interview for the earliest stage. I was a bit down because it USED TO BE my first choice as I was planning to commit to the university [as in, if I received any other offer, I have no other choice but to decline] but it turned out that I was rejected. Although I still had three other choices, Notts was the only univ I could have been waiting for then. As for Cardiff and Leeds, they usually call for interview di saat2 akhir pertarungan and they give offer quite at a later time respectively. So all I had in mind was Notts and daripada dulu yang tak pernah nak pegi Notts, tiba2 harapan tinggi menggunung alongside other personal reasons la. Hehe..

And then, to make things up, I was being reconsidered for Leicester interview [pulak!] and when my counselor asked us whether we want to commit or not, I was very indecisive. I mean, I put high hopes on Notts and was setting my mind for it after being rejected and then suddenly, everything went upside down. Dalam meeting room tu memang tak terkate ape2. Budak2 lain dengan yakinnye angguk tanda nak commit, aku sampai counselor kene tanye due tiga kali pulak! In the end, ntah apa hidayah aku dapat, tiba2 aku dengan yakinnye cakap “Yes yes yes.. I want to commit”. Counselor pun pelik. Haha.. so there I go.. I wanted to tell some of my friends in KMB who were being rejected as well about this but I thought it would be quite unfair for them so I kept it to myself at least for the time being except for a friend of mine, who’ll be having her Leicester interview tomorrow. Ntah macam mana, berita terbongkar pulak so faham2 je la, pagi2 phone tak henti2 bunyik. “Haa? Mcm mana boleh dpt pulak?” dan segala bagai persoalan.

There’s a friend, who couldn’t accept the fact that I was being reconsidered, she broke down and nangis2 and meluahkan perasaan. Naseb baek aku memahami [cewah!] so nasihat la sikit2. To me, sometimes [or probably most of the time] everything seems easier to be said than to be done. Memang la berbagai nasihat kita bagi tapi kalau hati kawan tu tanak terima and masih melayan dan memanjakan perasaan yang tengah kecewa, kadang2 rasa sia2 je bagi nasihat. Memang la tak baik tp… aduhai. Memang susah kita nak suruh orang kuatkan pegangan kan?

All these people, they believe that whatever may come, there’s always been rezeki and a little bit of luck [though I don’t really believe in luck] but they cannot accept the failure that they are facing. They believe that everything comes with a reason, be it good or bad [hikmah tu sentiasa benda baik..] but when they confront something that they don’t want to, they forget all these things. It’s not wrong at all to feel frustrated and disappointed but if it’s the best you could get, why you should be sad? I mean, if you get an A in exam, it doesn’t mean that that’s the best and getting a D doesn’t mean it’s the end of everything. Come on, be matured la kan. Life is all about an unending lesson. But how can you learn without having this kind of problems?

All this while, aku selalu percaya yang Allah tu Maha Adil because I have experienced a lot of uncertainties which I think I didn’t deserve the rewards [contohnye dapat belajar kat KYU3M. ramai lagi budak lain yang layak. Ye la, I wasn’t one of the top students SPM and tak pegi majlis ngan Pak Lah and Hishamuddin. Huhu..] but things like that do happen sebab Allah tu Maha Adil. And dari dulu sampai sekarang, I cling to that belief because that always reminds me of where I’m standing at a certain point. And I think it’s important for one to have something to hold on so that he or she won’t be lost and always know where he or she is heading. Bagi aku, being reconsidered by Leicester is another test for me from Allah. Samada aku akan bersedia untuk direject lagi sekali atau sebagai satu harapan untuk aku meneruskan kehidupan atau mungkin sebagai rezeki semata2. Of course deep down, I do feel a tad of hope inside to get an offer but if it’s not meant for me, then it’s not. I’ve told this once, “Setiap yang baik yang kita nak tu tak semestinya yang terbaik untuk kita dan tak semestinya setiap yang buruk yang kita tanak tu adalah yang paling buruk untuk kita.” And there is not even one reason for me to feel upset for getting a B for my AS Economics [yep, I’m one of the two students in my class who got B. No, I’m not ashamed of that. My interviewer tadi cakap ‘Oh, that’s very good!’. See, how certain things that we didn’t expect could bright up the day :)]

Ape yg aku nak ckp ntah? Hmm.. kirenye, janganlah bersangka buruk dengan Allah. Allah tu Maha Mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk kita. Kalau bukan sekarang masanya, mungkin Allah dah sediakan sesuatu yang lebih baik pada waktu yang tak disangka2. Mungkin Allah dah sediakan syurga kat akhirat kelak ke. MasyaAllah.. tak ke indah janji2 Allah tu.

Kepada kawan2 yang masih tak dpt interview, yang masih menunggu2, yang dapat D for business studies [sabar banyak2 ok :)] yang masih ada banyak masalah, yang tengah bengong2 tu, adik2 yang tengah tension dengan IC@N, tenangkanlah diri anda dengan mengingati Tuhan. Sesungguhnya Allah tu sentiasa ingat kat kita, kita je tak rasa kan? Dan segala kekuatan dan keyakinan pun datangnya dari Allah. Don’t ever give up. Keep on praying hard ok :)

“Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang2 yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang yang beriman..” ~ surah ali-‘imran ayat 139.

P/s: I’m having my second interview with Notts this coming Saturday. Doakan kejayaan bersama!
Pp/s: Tadi nowseeheart datang kolej!! Best la jugak. Suara diorang sedap seperti biase :)

Ittahidu bi hablillah!

Wallahu’alam..

a reminder for myself

I don’t know how to put what I feel right now in words. I’ve been typing and deleting words, being unsure what are things that I have to say or how exactly it should be described. I noticed something just know. A year or so ago, I’d promised to blog about a camp that I had participated in Bukit Tinggi in Pahang. But until now, I haven’t written anything about it and I’m very2 sure that whoever reads this won’t perceive what I’m trying to say.

Ok, let’s not playing with words.

Dulu, aku pernah sekolah agama tapi aku tak pernah suka sekolah kat situ. Mum and Dad kata, ilmu agama ni penting, sebab tu kena belajar kat sekolah agama, sebagai bekalan masa depan. Tapi, dalam hati, aku sangat2 la tak percaya and tak setuju dengan reasons yang telah diberi oleh Mum and Dad. Aku memberontak dari dalam, senyap2 sebab aku tak sanggup nak hancurkan harapan Mum ngan Dad selepas mereka bersusah payah mendesak Ketua Pengarah sekolah agama [atau apa2 je laa] utk bagi aku pelung ke skolah agama tu.

3 tahun aku bersabar, Alhamdulillah aku berjaya melarikan diri ke suatu tempat di Langkawi yang keadaannya sangat berbeza dengan sekolah agama dan tak pernah menyesal tinggalkan sekolah agama tu. Aku tak kisah orang nak kata ‘Dah tanak belajar arab la tu’ atau ‘Mesti dah tak nak pakai tudung labuh’ dan sebagainya tapi apa yang hanya ada di benak fikiran aku ialah “Sekolah agama tak semestinye melahirkan orang baik dan sekolah bukan agama tak semestinya melahirkan orang yang jahat. Dan kalau Allah nak bagi hidayah, Dia boleh bagi kat sesiapa sahaja, bila2 masa sahaja, bukan budak sekolah agama je” dan dengan pegangan aku tu, aku survive di Langkawi dan Alhamdulillah sekarang aku kat antara kolej yang paling best kat mesia.

Sebelum aku masuk sekolah agama tu, aku dapat surat tawaran menyatakan yang aku kena register di sekolah tu sekian hari dan sekian haribulan. Tapi aku tak bagitau Mum, aku nyorokkan surat tu sampai satu tahap yang aku dah tak sanggup nak menipu Mum ngan Dad lagi. Sejak daripada peristiwa itu, sampai la setahun yang lepas, aku ada satu perasaan, jauh di sudut hati, yang aku tak berani nak ungkapkan walau pada diri sendiri. Aku ada rasa sesuatu ‘kekosongan’ yang aku selalunya isi dengan menulis diari dan sekarang, menulis blog. Aku rupa2nya seorang yang sangat introvert dan suka meluahkan perasaan melalui perkataan, bukan melalui suara. Aku menganggap ‘kekosongan’ itu sebagai suatu yg perlu aku isi dengan apa sahaja yang aku suka.

Sepanjang aku menjadi ‘orang lain’ tu, walaupun niat aku tersasar daripada yang sepatutnya, banyak ilmu dan perkara baru yang aku dapat. Tapi lepastu aku mula lalai dan alpa. Tambahan pula dengan hidup yang sangat busy ni. Maklumlah, bila dah mula berjauhan dengan Tuhan, banyak aje alasan. Waktu tu, hidup aku sentiasa resah. Kalau korang baca entry2 sebelum ni pun, semuanya berbaur unsur depression. Risau itu ini. Gelisah tak dapat interview, risau exam lah dan sebagainya. Memang tak pernah tenang. Solat lagi la tak payah cakap, memang tak khusyuk fikir banyak benda. Sampai satu tahap, aku rasa rindukan sesuatu. Somehow, aku rasa rindu untuk jadi ‘orang lain’ yang pernah aku jadi dulu semasa kehadiran saudara itu di kolej yang menjadi pendorong aku untuk berubah.

Detik demi detik, hari demi hari, aku masih mencari2 sesuatu untuk diisi dalam ‘kekosongan’ dalam diri. Bukan aku tak tahu perkara yang sebenar [yang hakiki] yang perlu aku isi dalam jiwa yang kosong itu. Dah banyak ceramah aku dengar, sesungguhnya, kekosongan jiwa dalam diri seorang hamba Allah itu terutamanya remaja adalah sepatutnya diisi dengan Tuhan yang sebenarnya memiliki hati setiap hambaNya. Dan sesungguhnya hanya Allah sahajalah yang mampu memberi ketengangan kepada seseorang. Sebagaimana Allah berfirman dalam surah Ar-Raad ayat 28, “Sesunggunya, dengan mengingati Allah, hati akan tenang..” Ya, aku tahu, tapi waktu tu, aku masih tak berjaya untuk mencari ketengangan yang sebenar.

Sehinggalah pada suatu hari, beberapa hari sebelum cuti semester hari tu, Mus0ll@ committee telah mengeluarkan notis tentang Mu$|im Y0utH c@mp dan sesiapa yang berminat boleh la menyertai camp tersebut. Jauh di sudut hati, tergerak hati nak join tapi atas dua alasan iaitu i) camp dibuat 3hari terakhir sebelum cuti habis [tak best ar cuti lagi pendek dari org lain!] dan ii) aku dah pernah join dulu so mesti lebih kurang je, maka ada la sedikit bisikan jahat untuk tidak join camp tersebut. Tapi atas takdir Allah, aku telah selamat selesaikan camp tersebut petang tadi. Apa yang aku nak kongsi kat sini ialah, betul la apa yang aku pegang selama ini iaitu “Allah boleh bagi hidayah kat siapa2 aje dan bila2 masa aje”. Dan selepas setahun setengah duk kat kolej ni, Alhamdulillah, aku rasa sangat tenang sekarang ni lepas join camp tu walaupun semester ni adalah semester yang paling ‘maut’ sekali la bak kata orang.

Walaupun kebanyakan isi ceramah tu aku dah dengar semasa aku join camp tu tahun lepas tapi kesannya ke atas aku amat berlainan kali ni dan kesan tu sangat signifikan bagi aku. Barulah aku dapat rasakan macam mana rasanya apabila kekosongan jiwa itu dapat diisi dengan perkara yang sepatutnya, yang sebenar, dan yang hakiki. Bagaimana Allah nak tunjukkan betapa besar kuasaNya dan betapa Allah itu tidak menghampakan hamba2Nya yang bersabar dengan ujian, hari ini, aku dapat dua panggilan interview sekali gus, dua anugerah dan nikmat Allah yang sangat aku tak sangka2kan, terutamanya di saat hati yang sedang runsing dan gelisah mula merasai ketenangan. Apa yang buat aku lebih bersyukur ialah, setelah counselor aku menulis surat [tak sure surat apa] kepada pihak university Leicester, akhirnya, aku dan juga 2 orang lagi kawan aku yang pada awalnya telah direject sesedap hati telah di-officially accepted to attend the interview. Dan setelah berbulan2 aku menunggu jawapan daripada university lain, akhirnya Nottingham Univ panggil aku interview. Dan tidak ada perasaan lain dalam diri aku sekarang kecuali rasa sangat bersyukur. Barulah aku dapat rasakan macam mana kesan yang sebenar2nya itu datang pada diri kalau kita bersabar dengan ujian Allah dan sentiasa berharap dan bersangka baik dengan Allah.

Lagi satu benda yang aku nak kongsi dengan pembaca sekalian ialah, sesungguhnya Allah itu memiliki hati kita. Allah boleh palingkan hati seseorang dan boleh bagi hidayah pada seseorang pada bila2 masa sahaja. Semasa aku join camp tahun lepas, bukannya aku tak insaf. Menangis teresak2 jugak masa ustad terangkan pasal kematian. Konon2 taubat la. Tapi sungguh, memang aku menangis bagai nak rak sebab insaf. Tapi itulah, Tuhan boleh tarik balik keinsafan bila2 masa. Lepastu jadik jahil balik. Dan sekarang, lepas join camp tu lagi sekali, rasa insaf dan taubat tu memang ada cumanya diselit dan ditambah dengan rasa berhati2 dan sentiasa berwaspada bahawa bila2 masa sahaja Allah boleh tutup balik pintu hati kita. Na’uzubillahiminzaalik!

Aku tak nak cakap banyak lagi [mak aih, dah 3 page dah tulis beb! Tak banyak kebendenye!] cumanya aku terfikir, adakah aku akan meneruskan dengan blog aku yang walaupun kebanyakan isinya adalah lagha dan sia2 tapi secara ikhlasnya, memang aku sayang sebab banyak tinggalkan pengajaran pada aku. Atau adakah aku akan berhenti mem’blog’ daripada blog benda2 merepek, atau adakah aku akan menjadi seorang blogger yang baru. Buat sementara waktu ni, aku masih belum ada mood untuk sambung berblog tapi siapa tahu, suatu hari nanti aku akan jadi macam encik hamka ke, muncul dengan satu blog baru yang dapat membawa pembaca kembali ke jalan Allah, insyaAllah. Tapi tak sure la bila, ilmu agama masih sangat cetek dan sememangnya masih tidak layak untuk berdebat tentang agama. Tapi takpe, kalau kita betul2 ikhlas nak belajar dan menuntut ilmu, insyaAllah Tuhan akan bantu.

Sebelum aku terus leka membebel, ni nak bagi satu lirik lagu daripada Raihan yang juga menjadi doa taubat yang kami amalkan ketika camp hari tu. Walaupun kita dah selalu sangat dengar kat radio ke, tapi cubalah, walaupun hanya untuk sekali seumur hidup, kita renung dan hayati maksud sebenar ayat2 ini. Moga2 kita mendapat petunjuk dan hidayah daripada Allah dan moga2 dosa kita diampunkan oleh Allah dan diminta kita dijauhkan daripada seksaan azab api neraka, insyaAllah.

Wahai Tuhan ku tak layak ke syurga Mu
Namun tak pula aku sanggup ke neraka Mu
Ampunkan dosa ku terimalah taubat ku
Sesungguhnya Engkaulah Pengampun dosa-dosa besar

(arabic verse)
Ilaa hilaas tu lilfirdausi ahla
Walaa aqwaa 'alaa naaril jahiim
Fahabblii taubatan waghfir dzunuubii
Fainnaka ghaafirun dzanbil 'adziim

Dosa-dosaku bagaikan pepasir di pantai
Dengan rahmat Mu ampunkan daku Oh Tuhan ku
Wahai Tuhan selamatkan kami ini
Dari segala kejahatan dan kecelakaan

Kami takut kami harap kepada Mu
Suburkanlah cinta kami kepada Mu
Akulah hamba yang mengharap belas dari Mu

Wallahua’lam.

The Never Ending Journey

It has been a long time. I’m not really in the mood to blog anything but I don’t think I would ever feel good to write in these few days so this is the only period I have, before I change myself into 'someone else'.

Anyways, this is my programme for the past one week.

THUR to SAT – Penang Trip

We flew to Penang at noon and we stayed at N@zi’s for two nights. Luckily @imi could drive a stick so she saved the days. For the first day, we browsed around the town; dropped by the komtar and Prangin Mall. On Friday, we went to Penang Hill; spent about 3 hours up there – I got my left palm hennaed which was supposed to last for two weeks but has already worn off. Huhu.. And we went to Taman Burung at a very low entrance fee. Thanx to the pakcik yang sgt kewl :). After that, we went to Gurney Plaza for lunch at D0min0’s Pizza and window-shopped. By late evening, @imi drove us to one of the beaches and we walked around, playing with the starfish [Hehe..] and that was it. On Saturday morning, we went to Botanical Garden with N@zi’s mama for a morning walk and it was knackering I tell you. Dah la dah lame tak jogging, semput gak ah. But the weather was nice and windy so it wasn’t that bad. Then we had our breakfast at Restoran Khaleel before we packed our stuff for the next trip to Kedah. I was glad to feel the warmth of N@zi’s family especially with the presence of Ehsan :)

SAT to MON – Kedah Trip

We took our ferry to Butterworth sometime around 230pm and continued our journey by bus to Alor Star and we reached @imi’s auntie’s house around 5pm. We then went to the new so-called shopping complex to buy some snacks. Then we had our dinner at a restaurant in which later was joined by Abu, Che Nor and @iman m@lik. On Sunday, we pulled off to Abu’s house by cab at noon to borrow his car, and then @imi drove us to MRSM Kub@ng P@su to meet P@k H@ssan, p@K Yus, Ckgu S@nu$i and ckgu R@himY. Since the students have not registered yet until Feb, so the teachers killed the time by doing nothing and play badminton. Then we had a free lunch which was on Ckgu S@nu$i before we wandered around Pacific Mall. By late evening, we dropped by P@k Yus’ house to meet his macho-and-cumel sons and daughter and we chatted till maghrib. Then we dropped by P@K H@$san’s bujang house [coz ckgu lin was in Besut with the kids], chatted and laughed while drinking 3in1 milo and crackers. Around 830pm, we went back to Abu’s house and his dad then sent us back to@imi’s auntie’s house. On Monday, we pulled of early in the morning and had breakfast before we called for a cab to Jeti.

MON to WED – Langkawi Trip

From Jeti Kuala Kedah we took a ferry at 1030am and reached Langkawi by noon. As we reached there, we rented a car and I drove straight to Maktab. Met some teachers before we checked in the apartment. Ckgu H@riza belanja-ed us lunch before we went to L@ngk@wi fair which was one of the places that we used to go during outing back then. At 830pm, we were asked to give some motivational advice to the f5 students and it lasted for one hour before we went out again with Ckgu H@riza for our dinner at EE Burger. The next day, we met some other teachers and had free lunch again with Ckgu H@$him. After Zuhur, we drove straight to Pantai Chen@ng and had fun by the beach. We rode the banana boat sampai tegolek2 dalam tengah2 laut and then we went to Berjaya Hotel’s beach, played volley for fun, took some photos and went back to Maktab. At night, we had free dinner again at Ckgu W@hid@’s house and after that, had a supper and chatted at P@k Syed’s house [memang makan free je la sbb cikgu2 nak blanje!!]. The next day, we had free breakfast with Ckgu @p@ndi before we pulled off to the airport around 10am. At the airport, we met @imran in his pilot suit. Hah! Finally! We reachd KL around 1pm.

So, that was it. One week has gone and tomorrow I’ll be going back to college for a camp on Saturday and only to find that classes will be on Tuesday. It was more than just fun. I had a whale of a time in Penang, Kedah and Langkawi. At first, I wasn’t really looking for to the trip because all I had in mind then was college stuff: B@ngsaw@n, classes and tests, mock exams, interviews etc. But once I saw izy, @imi and syir@, I knew I wouldn’t regret for that moment.

Maktab has changed a lot since I left the school. Although maktab is doing great now [they won tunas saintis peringkt kebangsaan and both individual and group categories were qualified to compete in Australia and Mexico], more and more teachers are moving out to other mrsms and seeing maktab without all those teachers, the place seemed incomplete and would never be complete anymore. I couldn’t help myself as usual but feeling sentimental and the melancholy was just too overwhelming. I knew deep down I could hear a weep but I tried to keep it invisible because I knew it wouldn’t change anything.

The realm of being in the ‘past’ was undescribable. Laughing with the teachers, chatting and talking nonsense made me feel contented and nothing in this world mattered but the time we had back then, spending time together as a family. I always knew that in this entire world, I had never wanted to spend that two years in other places but MR$M L@ngkawi. Sometimes I wish the people in college were as special as those in my school but I knew at the end of the day, they are special in their own way. All I have now is just pictures of my beloved ones engraved in heart; waiting for the unlikely time to fade away.

“Izy@n semua tu balik Australia bila? Kamu bila nak fly uk? Lain kali suruh diaorang balik bawa la kangaru sekor dua. Boleh buat pet. Ok, selamat belajar! Kalau jumpa yang lain kirim salam saya dan cikgu jitra ok. Jumpa lagi lain kali”- P@k Yus, cikgu yg paling sempoi yg pernah aku jumpa. He’s really one in a trillion.

Just now, @d@m rang me up to inform that new students will be enrolling next week and the housecaptains will be expecting to be in charge of the weekend’s programme. I tried to be positive but somehow, it didn’t last too long. Tomorrow, my last semester will be starting. I don’t know and don’t want to expect how horrible it would be but there’s only one thing that I want to materialize: I want to prove myself, my family, my close friends and my teachers right that no matter where I go, no matter whom I live with, no matter how tough the obstacles are, I would make them proud and let them know that all this while, the effort that they have put in my journey is worth a million expactations and would never be frittered away.

Hepi Nu Yer!

“Dina! Lepas dah jadik Jon Foreman ngan flickraddict, sekarang nyamar ape plak? Lame gile tak nampak ko..”

That’s it. Nothing more. It was quite surprising though to get an e-mail from someone who has never sent me one all this while with such a note. But I’m not blaming her though. At least she still remembers me and notices my disappearance. But still, it’s kinda odd. I’ve deleted my friendster account for already one year, people! Takkan nak suruh orang lain post kat bulletin board ‘Dina sudah tiada..’ kot. Aduhai.. And to be honest, I don’t really know this fella actually. Ntah sape2 ntah penah add aku kat frenster dulu.

But anyways…

Salam Aidiladha (late, I know) and Happy New Year to all. Another year passes by and I’m still here being me and nothing else. I’m not that new-year-means-new-resolutions kinda person. I do have resolutions but I didn’t list them down and follow them up every now and then. I just keep them in mind (sometimes in heart) and if I could materialize them, I would by all means but at times, unexpected things appear and deter me from making them real so that’s the only time when I drain them away.

So, what I’ve been up to?

• Family dinner and siblings outing – Abg Amir blanje pizza kat alamanda haritu. Pastu the next day tgk Cicakman beramai2 kat mines. One word for that movie = RUBBISH!~ Malas nak komen byk2 because I bet the shortcomings would be endless!
• The super cool Mr. Zen – Went to Low Yat with Along Ima and Abg Norman. They wanted to buy a new laptop so I tagged along and got my new mp4. Murah je.. Less than 400. I think this is much worth of expense than anid’s sony bean. And I like the edited photo I come out with. Lawa la plak. Heh..
  
  
• Bangs@w@n – Actually meja berkerawang dah lame siap tp baru tadi sebok nak ambik gambar sebab B@d nak tengok hasil kerja orang seni. Haha.. Takde la hebat mane pon tp serious penat tak bleh bla! Hoho.. I’m not gonna do it twice. Other materials for props are bought except for kain. Otherwise, everything is STILL on track and yet to be messed up!
  
  
• Raya Haji – balik muar pagi raya semalam. Lepastu balik bangi petang after asar. Kejap je.. anid nak balik skolah dah esok. Sempat tengok sekor lembu jatuh. Lagi sekor dah kong mase aku baru sampai. Tak ramai sedara mara ada. Kat surau annur korban 15 ekor pagi tadi. And malam ni, ade kenduri!!
  

I think that’s about it. Since I’m going to Penang and Langkawi on the 4th for the next one week, I’m packing my stuff before getting back to college on the 12th. It’s going to be a hell brief and knackering week! And after that, a new war cry is about to keep my ear to the ground!

Oh, I'm cool B)

Abg @min.. The first time I met this guy, he was very pleasant and friendly. I instantly liked him and adored him very much. Everytime he came by our house, I’d spend my whole time with him, telling him every single thing about school, friends, and of course, crushes. Hehe.. I remember I told him about N@fidz and R@fiq. I remember how he laughed over my stupid jokes. He was a very good listener and he enjoyed being one. He was a very great brother.

But that was ages ago, when I was probably 8 or 9. Now, they all appear to be only good memories to be engraved in mind. Yesterday, he finally tied the knot. I was glad to see him standing in the middle of the crowd with the bride, smiling happily. And what made me a bit melancholic was the recall I had. That’s all.

There was also another wedding next door. It was amusing to hear what the mothers talked about especially on having a son/daughter in law. There was this one aunty cakap dekat Mum, “Eh, you dah lama tak buat kenduri kan. Lepas ni anak you yg mane pulak?”. Mum smiled and spontaneously looked at me. I knew that was a reflex and I knew Lupi was in Mum’s head, not me.

Then we had a family chat. We talked about some future plans when the rest of the siblings were to get married. And Mum kept asking me if I have already seen anyone. I don’t blame her for that kind of action. In fact, I’ve already become immune to it. Perhaps that’s just a natural behaviour of a mother towards her daughter who’s going to be a doctor in aeon’s time. I already have two brother-in-laws and one sister-in-law. And being an aunty to one nephew and two nieces doesn’t make me feel any younger. And the gap between me and Lupi is just like two years. It’s not that I’m planning to get married whatsoever in the nearest time [sorry, come again?!] but I came to think how funny it must be to be in my position. You know, the nanti-dina-ngan-lupi-kawen-skali-la and dina-kene-carik-org-dekat2-jugak and dina-kene-kawen-by-24 kind of statements. At first it was a bit scarry and unpleasant to think these kinds of thing but come to think of it, I kinda take pleasure in it. Hehe..

Along Ima: Sape kawen dulu? Dina ke Lupi?
Me: Of course la Lupi! Takkan @ini nak tunggu sampai 26/27 kot?
Along Ima: Tapi takkan Lupi nak kawen before grad? Degree 5 tahun. Housemanship setaun. Keje kumpul duit, let say, setaun. Ha, 7 taun lagi!
Me: Ohhoo.. ok la, dina pun dina la =) Takkan nak tunggu 7 taun lagi kot? Hoho tanak!
Dad: Eee ade ke cakap mcm tu..
Me: Heeehee

And how I wish Lupi was there too, backing himself up. Hehe.. I love my family very much. And I love having a big family and I wish for one too, insyaAllah :)

Lempaian Chahya Nirmala

Inang dan dayang- dayang seraya menjerit “Tuanku Puteri!!”

Inang: Mengucap, Tuanku Puteri, mengucap! Jangan dicemar nama almarhum ayahanda Tuan Puteri dengan nista sebegini hina… Membunuh diri itu haram dilaknat Tuhan, tuanku!

Melur: Janganlah begini, Tuan Puteri! Kalaulah hamba menjadi Tuan Puteri, hambalah manusia paling bahagia. (nada berbisik) Sehingga sanggup Sultan berbunuhan, semata- mata untuk meruntas hati Tuan Puteri!

Melati: Ah, engkau ni, berbadan manusia berhati jinkah? (menunjal kepada D1) Setiap yang waras, mestilah berduka dengan kehilangan ayahanda tercinta!

Melur: Ah, bodoh alang sungguh kau ni ya! Berkahwin dengan Sultan, gilalah kalau berduka!! Nanti, boleh jadi maharani seluruh negeri!

Tun Chahya Ningsih: Sudah, sudah! Jiwa kita ini…hiba, sebu, tak siapa pun yang faham. (bermunajat) Tuhanku Yang Maha Kaya, kurniakan daku kekuatan dalam menyusuri lorong kehidupan ini. Hambamu ini terpinga- pinga mencari sesuatu… Harapan…

I've just received the final script from @qtar last week, which means to say that I'm forced to pay as much attention as possible on B@ngsaw@n. I'm not initally intending to be 'Melur' but since the character was not held by anyone after series of audition, I have to be in that position, like it or not. Being one of the cast alongside with a post as the head of props would not be any easier job at all. I've prepared myself mentally and physically for that 2 week of hustle and bustle. Although my studies [and also my preparation for interviews. Well, if I were to be called for one. Hmm..] are waay up there on the top of my priorities, I'm going to work all-out for B@angsaw@n. After everything is over, I'm going to be a queer duck who always clings to academic stuffs and never sees other things as interesting as intelectual books. Yes, I don't care if other people see me as a nerd. I want to be proud of it, once in a while. Hoho.. Well, let's see if I could prove myself right! Hah!

babble and bebel

Last night I slept around 4, abeskan buku Sidney Sheldon, Windmills of the Gods. Dah beribu buku Sheldon aku bace, aku tau, mesti ade elemen2 surprise. So dari awal2 lagi aku cube teka sape pembunuh die tp last2 mesti salah jugak org yg aku teka!! Bengong betol. But the book was good. Sheldon’s books have always been the ones that I couldn’t put down. Memang sangat best.

Lepas abes bace buku, tak bleh tido plak. Risau banyak benda. Aduhai…

These two weeks have been very brief and only 3 weeks left before college starts. As usual, rase tanak balik kolej dan rase stressful tu adalah sangat normal lebih2 dah nak final. Ohhhh~

A recap on my programme in these two weeks:

Mon to Wed ~ went to pd with family.

Thurs ~ went to alia’s house ada kenduri. Tolong2 kat rumah die. Sronok tp sangat memenatkan. Tak bawak camera time tu so tadak gambar.

Fri ~ Pegi un!m ngan thirah. Bawak camera tp tak tertangkap gambar. Heh..

Weekends ~ Babysit nazme and effa. Mama diorang ada seminar kat genting so the aunties la kene jage. Perasaan: Gembire melepaskan rindu di saat2 awal je lepastu dah penat. Haha.. Nazme makin ngada2 dan bajet kewl ar jadik bos kat rumah. Ulang cite Cars ngan Madagascar seribu kali!! Takde can aku nak tgk tv..

Mon to Tue ~ Went to Melaka with ijuon.. Sronok sangat tp knackering la.. As of we arrived until we departed, the rain didn’t stop even for a second. Bejalan2 di banda hilir pun tengah2 hujan. Macam beser pegi banda hilir, ade Afamosa, Stadyhus, pastu tengok pameran mistik yang tak best n tak berbaloi langsung tp takpe, tourism punye pasal. Pastu pegi Ayer Keroh pegi tengok pameran lebah ape tah, pastu pegi Jusco belikan adiah utk Najib pastu balik!~ Ohhoo sangat penat.. Tak bawak camera bleh tak..

Wed ~ Went to Midvel with thirah. Followed dad to cheras first, uruskan hal insurance then Dad dropped me off kat Midvel. Tgk cite ‘Cinta’. At first, I was a bit cynical with that movie. I thought, ‘Alaa mesti cite typical cintan2 tahpape ni’ but it wasn’t quite that true. On a scale of 5, aku bagi 3.8 la. Credits go to the cameraman sebab gamba die sangat lawa. Aku rase cameraman tu mesti photographer yg berjaya. Angles from which he shot memang gempak ar! And I noticed that he [or maybe she] banyak guna shadowing effect. And the colour management of the gambar pon memang best. Jalan crita agak menarik. Cuma ‘cinta’ yang paling bodoh aku rase is between sharifah amani ngan mamat surat khabar yg cakap mcm ala2 pondan dengan eizlan yusof ngan azura bengong tu. Tahpape gak ar.. the rest of the couples mmg best. Kalo tengok sorang and hayati betul2, bleh nangis gak ar. Tp sbb aku tak tahan nak terkucil mase tu so agak tak concentrate. Heh.. Then had lunch at Madam Kwan’s sebab ade ramai waiter yg ala2 hemsem. Borak2 sampai tak igt dunie pastu solat dan seperti biase, window shopping je sebab broke gile. Hah hah..

Thurs ~ I was planning to go to sunway main ice skating ngan tikah, syira, aina kam and ramai lagi tp sangat penat dan sangat broke, so tak jadik. Sadis gak sebab mmg dah excited nak pegi tp xde rezeki. Huhu.. so duk rumah macam biase, tengok tv, makan, tido dan buang mase.

Fri iaitu hari ni ~ Takde plan nak pegi mane2 lagi. Sent Mum and Dad kat komuter sebab diorang nak pegi Shah Alam. Abang Tengku akan ambik diorang kat Shah Alam pastu pegi Klang ambek kereta pastu... pastu.. bawak kreta balik rumah and aku akan tido dalam kreta baru malam ni. Hah hah.. Maybe pegi Hospital Serdang jap tengok nazme n effa, jumpe afar jap kalo die ade kat spital lagi [nenek afar masuk ICU.. sian die..] pastu bawak nazme jenjalok ah..

Hmm.. tu je ah. Aku nak kene start study ah. Kotak buku tak unpack lagi. Haha.. Teringat lagi dulu Abg Lan penah ckp, 'jgn sia2kan cuti.. buat la bende pekdah sket, blaja masak ke ape..' tp aku x ikut ckp die, last2 nyesal. So skrg aku tanak nyesal lagi. At least so far aku ade gak ar study photography. Tp naik2 kolej ade berjuta test so kene study gak :'( Sob2.. Ok la, penat la merepek. Tata!~

special note:
i) Yesterday was afar's 22nd birthday!! Selamat Hari Jadi kawanku!
ii) Smalam thirah baru dapat results exam die. And I believe she did well this time. Haven't replied her message but I need some time to arrange my words so that I could make her feel acknowledged and appreciated. She really makes me proud of her.. Congrats thirah!

The Power Of Illumination

I've got so much to blog about but I'm not really in the mood. I am sooo knackered that I cannot do anything but setting up my new photo blog. I've been waiting for an activation email from fotopages for centuries but they still cannot avoid from getting on my nerves. Flickr Pro is the most reliable photo blog I've ever known so far but that's if you could pay 30dollars for every feature they offer and I'm not that rich. Fortunately, at a very right time, Vox appears to be another dependable site. Well, I hope so. I've just posted my first post today so can't say much about it. For the rest of the comments, feel free to drop by the site.

Something Better

Firman Allah: 001_3

~Apa yang ada pada kamu akan habis dan hilang lenyap, dan apa yang ada di sisi Allah tetap kekal; dan sesungguhnya Kami membalas orang-orang sabar dengan memberikan pahala yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah mereka kerjakan~

"Maka, bila mana kita mempunyai sesuatu yang bernilai dan berharga, serahkanlah ia kepada Allah agar tetap terpelihara di sisiNya.

Bila mana kita diselubungi sesuatu keputusan yang tidak pasti, seperti keputusan peperiksaan, keputusan pertandingan, keputusan interview atau apa jua penantian, maka serakanlah ia pada Allah.

Bila mana kita mempunyai sahabat-sahabat karib, ahli keluarga, saudara mara yang kita sayangi, serahkanlah mereka ke sisi Ilahi agar kekal abadi, dijaga rapi dan dipelihara Allah SWT. Sentiasa dan selamanya.

So, berserah sajalah kepada Allah atas segala apa yang kita ada dan bersabarlah menerima ketentuanNya. Kalau Allah tak kabulkan apa yg kita pinta pada waktu ni, jgnlah kita mengeluh atau sedih. InsyaAllah Dia kabulkan doa kita pada waktu lain dgn sesuatu yg lebih baik atau dengan cara yang lebih baik. InsyaAllah :) Kan tertulis dalam Al-Quran, Allah tu Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang. Kalam Allah tu janji Allah, kebanyakan manusia tidak mengetahui. Yakinlah kita dengan kata-kataNya. Sifat Maha PenyayangNya itu tak sama dengan sifat sayang segala makhluk. Renungkanlah~ :)"

Someone once wrote that. Maybe I need to calm myself down before the next killing semester comes. Sigh..

To nazi and sarah, thanx for your concern and thanx a lot for the encouraging words :)