looking forward to tomorrow

I didn’t take my medicine just now. Yea, it’s kind of an experiment to check whether I really need to keep on taking them. If my condition did not get worse then I really am getting better. But if it’s otherwise, something not right is going on. I don’t know why I’m so emotional tonight. It’s raining heavily outside as if it knows that my heart is weeping too. I myself am not sure why my heart weeps but I feel lonely. I miss my family. I miss Nazme, Salma and Effa. I miss my friends. I miss my teachers. I miss some of my pasts. I miss all the sweet moments. As if nothing else in this world matters at right this hour, I typed all these saved messages from my handphone. Silly, I know. But somehow this makes me feel better. There are more actually but I couldn’t list them all down could I?

‘Kiranya tiada CINTA insani untukmu, cukuplah CINTA ALLAH penyuluh hidupmu, kelak akan ada CINTA untukmu dr insan yang menyintai ALLAH sebagaimana CINTAmu kepadaNYA’ –Maisarah

‘Positive thinking is like this- a bird flies up in the sky; you look up and it shits in your eye. But you don’t mind you don’t cry, but you thank God that cows don’t fly’ –Yah

‘I wrote your name on the sand and it got washed away.. I wrote your name in the air and it got blown away.. I wrote your name in my heart and I got a heart attack.. Huahua’ –Azhreen

‘I made a list of special people in my life. I wrote them in pencil and included your name but I used permanent ink coz I decided to keep you in my list forever’ –Zue

‘Friendship is one of the hardest things to keep coz somewhere in the middle, new friends may come. But I hope you still keep me in your heart even if someone new comes along’ –Wan

‘If you want to know how much I miss you, try to catch raindrops. The ones you catch is how much you miss me and the ones you miss is how much I miss you..’ –Ain

‘If ever the day comes and you find a better friend than me, just remember that what I gave to you is the best of what I have and what I am to you is the best that I can only be’ –Arisya

‘I see. Hmm, but still, banyaknye!! Almost 20 pages! ^^; Thanx again kay. Oyasumi (good night in Japan. That’s qilah, Japanese freak. Hehe..). Don’t yume (dream) about *** kay XD kuikui, juz kidding’ –Qilah

‘Sing to me the song of the stars. Of your galaxy dancing and laughing..and laughing again. When it feels like my dreams are so far. Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again. So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours. I know now you are my only hope. I give you my destiny. I’m giving you all of me. I want your symphony singing in all that I am. At the top of my lungs, I’m giving it back..’ –Thirah

‘Hmm..sedeyhnye takleh tgk sekarang. Apakah? Dina, kita takleh la bila dpt msg awk. Kita rasa cam nak nangis. Sorry sebab emo. Hehe.. you too, take care! I miss you unexplainably’ –Thirah

‘Ceyh dina! *** yang awak terjatuh sampai tak boleh bangun tu ke? Kuikui, mana tau? Haaaa! Kantoi dina! Wakakaka..’ –Qilah

‘Sis, thanx k and cakap kat budak2 lain. Love you guys so much’ –Adi Aizat poyo ;p

‘Haha..Sungguh bersemangat. Cool gile. Terharu gak la aku. Terus bersemangat. Thanx a lot. Your words mean a lot to me.’ –Afar

‘Oi, tak tido lagi ke? I never forget my friends even the ones I met uncoincidentaly =)’ –Fahrol

‘Hai dina. Hmm..tatau cemane aku nak ckp. Sampai mcm ni skali pengorbanan kawan aku. Aku time kaseh banyak2! Pegang janji aku, aku keje nanti aku nak belanje ko. Aku happy sangat kawan ngan ko. Ko la kawan aku dunia akhirat. Thanx a lot!’ –Wan

‘Ow, welcome! I had a great time too. Good luck in your life! Keep in touch!’ –Faris

‘Hepi besday to you. Hepi besday to you. Hepi besday to dina yang comel tp dah tua. Hepi besday to you!’ –Afar

‘Akum..dina, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! May God bless you always for all the things you’ve done for me and for being there when I need you the most. Enjoy your bday. Old oredi maa! Frens forever!!’ –Tikah

‘Before I go to bed tonight, I just want to wish you Happy Birthday. I may not the first to wish but I never forget the day’ –Aimran

‘Kalau esok saya dapat kawan lagi, saya harap dia tak macam awak sbb saya Cuma nak awak sorang je yang mcm awak dlm hidup saya’ –Yah

‘1 hari..awak akan lupakan saya. Nama saya.. Suara saya.. Wajah saya.. dan siapa saya pada awak. Tapi mengenali awak adalah satu anugerah berharga bagi saya’ -Tirah

‘If I die and go to heaven and God asks me what is my last wish, I’ll pause for a while to look for you, and if I see you crying, I would say.. “Dear God, give me one minute to hug my best friend”’ –Izy

‘Thanx allooottt dina!!kita reply msg awk ni last coz it means so much to me. Nobody would ever be you. And the times we were together was one of the best moments in life! Miss ya! Jumpe kat umah Mal kalau kita jadik pegi eh..’ –Izy

‘If you’re a chocolate, you’re the sweetest. If you’re a teddy bear, you’re the most huggable. If you’re a star, you’re the brightest. And since you’re my friend, you’re the best =)’ –Izy

‘Askum maaf mengganggu. Cakap kat rushdina, thank you for the card. Ia pembakar semangat cikgu untuk terus berjuang. Take care.. p/s: Dina, ni cikgu yusof yang hantar. Teharu gile’ –Izy

‘Askum. Sebenarnya hari ni adalah hari yg paling sedih kerana lepas ni cikgu hanya boleh tgk kamu dan kawan lain dr jauh sambil mendengar kemajuan dicapai. Selamat tinggal semua..’ –Cikgu Yusof a.k.a pakcop! *sob sob*

‘Sayang ko gak’ –Lupi

‘Anak Mum mcm mana? Study elok2. Always be confident with yourself ok. Mum sayang anak Mum. Take care’ –Mumzy T_T *homesick*

Sometimes, I realize that my life is coming to an end. I never know when my time will come but it will arrive one day. Definitely. I might not get the last chance to say to my beloved ones that I love them so much. Even when I got the chance, I’m too ego to say it out loud. I’d rather keep it to myself and pretend. Yea, sometimes my life is all about pretending. I’m used to it, nothing to be blamed about. I might not get the last opportunity to let them know that their presence in my life are very meaningful and the most treasureable gifts I could ever wish for. It’s true that every beginning has its own ending, every meeting will definitely come to a part. But after all, God has destined everything. We could never change even a second. And we must believe in ourselves and in God, that everything we get is actually the best for ourselves.

You know what’s my last wish before I leave this world? I really want to see my beloved ones to smile at me for the last time. And I want them to know that I could never want or ask for better people because I have the best in them. They are simply the reasons why and how I could live my life this far.

And yea, he’s going away soon and maybe; this place and this experience can be the witness of the welding of our friendship that we have once built. Sometimes, I want to believe that our meeting is not and will never be a coincidence. But with a very heavy heart, I really think that I have to let everything to drain away. I have my own life to go on and I have my own dreams to achieve. He has taken my tremendous energy, my valuable times and my precious tears. No, I’m not pinning blame on him. I even thank him for everything but enough is enough. The time has not come yet and will never arrive. There’s nothing to wait for and it’s just a waste of time to wait for uncertainties. And I’m very grateful for having such guts and willpower to let everything go. Because somehow or another, I have faith in Him and I know, if He doesn’t give me what I want now, He’ll give me sooner or later. Or He’ll grant me with something better. And I believe that he knows that too. All that he does not know is how much I’ve sacrificed for everything. Never thought of telling him that and he does not even have to know because everything is over… Everything is over now.