I can feel it..

I went to see my tutor, Mr$. B yesterday to see and discuss my semester report with her. Alhamdulillah, my report depicts better statements than before. Hehe…I was mostly touched with what Miss Aiz@n wrote in my report. I never thought she’s been observing me all this while. Well I know most of the teachers are actually monitoring what the students do in class and how they perform all the way but nothing has ever struck me that she actually concerns that much and appreciates every effort that I have put to improve myself in every way. I’m just touched. Heh… Mr. Z@bed lagi la, siap tulis ‘please read A2 syllabus over the holidays and make some notes’. Aduhai…Exam pun tak habis lagi dah suruh buat notes. Apakah… Siap tulis dlm report bg satu dunie tau. Ahaks.. Takpe, sayang Mr. Z@bed jugak no matter what. Haha..

And then I told Mr$. B about things that are bothering me at the moment. I mean, all those universities application and that sort of things. I was wondering why most of medical students in my college tend to apply to C@mbridge instead of Oxf0rd. In fact, none of them applied to Oxf0rd. She said it’s just because of the name. Hmm.. and Oxf0rd apparently offers less place than C@mbridge. But to me, Oxf0rd makes me feel more comfortable than Cambridge does. I don’t even feel pleased to apply to C@mbridge. I don’t know why.

I admit, all this while I might appear cynical when it comes to applying to 0xbridge but I don’t know what has gotten me recently such that I’m now more encouraged to give it a go. Tak tahu laa.. sejak due menjak ni rase lain. I mean, I’ve never been like this before. Sangat ambitious and sangat semangat. It’s good but it’s just sooo not me. That totally scares me you know. I’ve never had a confidence within myself to go for both prestigious Universities. It’s not getting a place that matters. I know and certainly sure that my chance is sorely thin but…ntahla. Somehow I think the experience and all-out effort speaks louder than anything else.

And like what Mr$. B said yesterday, I’ve got nothing to lose (except for one ‘space’ in UC@S form that can be filled with other U that might seem more relevant to me). I don’t want to be regretful after few years, that’s all. I told her about my thought of going to Oxf0rd and she is just the right person for me to get the advice from. After talking to her, I felt very very positive and encouraged.

You know what, all this while, I always believe that believing in myself is the core principle of everything that I do in my life but when I came here, I hardly see all those beliefs in my own eyes. Inferiority complex gets the control most of the time. I still cannot believe up till now that out of hundreds of M@RA scholars, I am one of them who got a place in KYU3M. I’m not that good if I were being compared with other people, seriously. But that is what people call ‘rezeki’ kan. I’m sure Allah has his own reason why He chose me to be here. And bit by bit, day by day, I can see why.

Semalam lepas ckp dgn Mr$. B, memang rasa macam nak nangis sangat (biasa la dina.. Haha..). Maybe because I’m scared of keep on moving and petrified of confronting the vague encumbrances. After this, more and more responsibilities are coming in and like what I always say to my friends and to Anid; life never gets easier. Memang emotional ah semalam. Haha.. Memang dah ‘time’ pun. Ahaks.. I felt like talking to somebody but I had nobody to let everything out to so I called Mum and told her about everything. She started to be worried about me sebab dia taknak la after this, I need to struggle more and lagi tensyen sebab nak apply to Oxf0rd. Memang keje lebih sikit la kan but being honest to myself, I don’t see that as a brick wall that I need to come up against. I just have the strong hope and beliefs, that’s all. Ntahlaaaaaaaa…rasa macam tak sedia lagi untuk pikir bende2 ni tapi kalau tak pikir sekarang, bile lagi.. Hmm… Lepastu terlepas tanye kat Mum, ‘Lancaster ade medic tak?’. Boleh Mum jawab ‘Mana ade. Lancaster mcm Warwick la for business and accounting semua. Ada siapa kat sana?’. Aish..susah la mak boleh bace fikiran anak ni. Hahahaha!

So the countdown started yesterday and I have more or less 17 days before the sem break starts. Sem break doesn’t mean I’m in holidays (mind me..). Banyak research on Univs nak kene buat. Photography class lagi. Hahah berangan.. Nak handle ‘kesedihan’ lagi. Wakakaka poyo gilos.. Hmm dah start merepek dah ni.

Oh by the way, today is the stalker’s birthday. See, betapa baiknye dina sampai igt stalker punye birthday. Teharu gile ah mamat tu. No, sampai sekarang I don’t know who’s the guy. Malas laa nak layan. Die tanak bgtau dah la kan. Tapi kelakar la, dah setahun kawan dengan org gile [jahat gile ayat..] Haha…

Ok la, malas nak bebel bende merepek. Heh.. Till then.. Tata~

[note: I read The Star yesterday and it said all Malaysian students in Y0gyakarta are doing ok. So with that I hope Max is doing ok as well, insyaAllah..]

"Ingatlah, sesungguhnya segala yang ada di langit dan di bumi adalah kepunyaan Allah. Awaslah! Sesungguhnya janji Allah itu adalah benar tetapi kebanyakan manusia tidak mengetahui." Surah Yunus: 55