3 years ago, I was in one of the most prestigious schools in Malaysia. Before I went to that school, I planted a hope in myself; a hope that made me keeping on wanting to become a better person in terms of my curriculum and co curriculum achievement. And at the same time; it was also a hope that I myself doubted over. I somehow knew I could never achieve that wish because it was only me who knew how far I could go and it was only me who knew my ability. And somehow, I foresaw it as an anticipation that could never be attained.
Nonetheless, when I stepped my feet on that school, I started to redevelop the wish that had been kept inside for quite a while. I felt the spirit being built up bit by bit. So when the nomination day for the new row of BWPs came up, I stepped forward and proposed myself as one of the candidates. I knew that the chances for me to win the election were very slim but I did not give up and kept on working hard on it and put my very best effort on it. But was it not my vocation, I lost the election. Because of having a trust in myself, I wasn’t that frustrated. I was elected to be one of the LDPs after all. And to be honest, I was the worse LDP if I must say. Hehe.. I let people go whenever there was a spotcheck or whatever. I didn’t really do the hostel checking every morning. I didn’t get involved in decision-making. I let other LDPs did almost every single thing. I was the bystander je la if that what people call. In short, I was only qualified to be the follower, not the leader.
Since my first sem in school, I had always wanted to get myself a 4 flat results. Being in a competitive environment, I had this feeling of wanting to exceed everyone [Well, who doesn’t?]. My best friend [ehem!! Heh..] always got 4 flat through out the 4 sems, why could I not? And then, time passed by. When the trial SPM was around the corner, I struggled all-out and strove like hell, just to get straight A’s because at that moment, I had this thought that trial was more important than the real one so that I could get scholarship earlier before my real SPM results came out. So I did get straight A’s for my trial. Unfortunately, the only scholarship offered using my trial results at that time was only MARA-Russia and MARA-UTP which were not even in my list [I’ve been wanting to study in UK since I was a kid]. I tried applying for Petr0nas but I didn’t get it as well.
I was a tad disappointed, but I accepted it as a positive way though. I looked my trial results as my spirit-lifter and deep down inside, I started to believe that it was not the end of the world. I started to have a hope that for the last sem in MR$M L@ngkawi, I could get 4 flat at least once. And towards the end of the year, ada jugak laa teringin nak dapat award for the Graduation Day. But having a better plan for me, Allah did not materialize my wish. I got 78 for my chemistry [the A band was 80], which was the deterrent to my dream and I wasn’t invested with any award. I didn’t see my chem. teacher and begging for another mark just to make it an A but I somehow satisfied and was grateful for whatever result I got. And Alhamdulillah, I got the best for my real SPM results. It was then I started to believe that He is the only decider no matter how far I went, how strong I was, how tough my stand was, He always has a better plan for me.
After I got the results, Mum and I started haunting the scholarships. And since I’m pursuing medicine, the only scholarship available was MARA. Being confined at home for seven months was quite killing me in a way. While some of my good friends were happy for getting their scholarships and couldn’t wait to fly off last February, I somehow felt disappointed for myself. Kadang2 rasa mcm penat and give up jugak la because then, there was no black and white on who’s gona sponsoring me. Dah la memang tak confident dengan interview MARA yang mcm siot, mmg rase mcm takde mase depan ah. The last resort like what Dad suggested was kahwin [Hahaha..Of course he had got to be joking]. As what the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. I finally got the scholarship and thank Allah [can’t stop myself from doing that], I was offered to go to KYU3M [of which I’m tired of bragging about. Hehh..]. And again, I knew whichever place I was thrown to; He has always decided the best for me.
Then, my life started to change. Being a KYU3Mian is not a simple thing to do. Living in a competitive environment, everyone is participating in the game. You can even feel the rivalry spirit within your best friend. You can never run away from it. And believe it or not, it is VERRRRY STRESSFUL. Imagine the thoughts of ‘I must win the game’ in each and every one’s mind; that is how the ambience I must live with in this 2-year life here. Here, I keep on having the thought of being a follower. I never came out to share my experience during the induction week [while others were running for the microphone]. I never had the guts to speak in front of a crowd. I never had the wills to argue with people. I never had the mettle to step forward. I was always being the onlooker and accept whatever people said. Until one day, someone came to me and said “Dina, I want you to run for the Student C0uncil”, and I was like “No way, man! That is the last thing I want to do..”. You know why? Because I’m an ego kind of person. I don’t want to lose the election again like what I had faced in Langkawi years ago. I don’t want to waste my time for something that is not meant for me.
But somehow or another, these people had made me believe that I could be one of the SCs. I don’t know how they made it but eventually, I agreed to run the Sports Exc0 for the Student C0uncil. So yea, there I was, standing in the crowd, giving out my worse manifesto ever. If I had the power of erasing all those bad moments off from my head, I would include that night. Horror gileee…So as a result, again, I lost. Luckily I wasn’t hoping that high so I was not that frustrated. After a while, I think I should be grateful for not winning the election because I know I could not do as great as what the SCs did. They are really meant for the posts.
Few weeks after the election day, Diam0nd ada buat election for house committee pulak. Before that, we had a shadow committee. Kire mcm future housecaptain sume laa. Time tu dod0e, azm!r and the gang belum step down lagi. I wasn’t in the shadow committee so I was not even hoping for any post in the house committee. Seriously, after I lost the election day, I had never seen myself as an important person in this college. What I hoped then was only to study hard and struggle for my studies. But much to my surprise, I was elected as the housecaptain. Serious tak sangka and I know being a housecapt means putting myself in jeopardy as I need to sacrifice A LOOOTTT especially my studies and my own leisure time for Diam0nd.
At first, I was quite proud of myself for finally getting a chance to be a leader, a dream that I had always wanted since in Langkawi but as time went by, I realized that the task was (or maybe even ‘is’) really not meant for me. I seriously don’t have the capability as a leader. I’m not like dod0e. She was a very great housecapt. Her unique way really inspired us. I always tried being like dod0e but it just didn’t work. I could never be someone else. I’ve never scolded people [not that dod0e always scolded us], people have never seen me in my ‘garang’ mode and I always accept whatever decision people make without having any guts to point out my own decision [sometimes laa..not always] and kadang2 terase jugak laa yang some of these people mcm somewhat pijak kepale jugak ar tapi aku serious tak geti nak marah orang. I’ve once had this thought of giving up my post but my other house committee did not allow me but seriously, if I were given another chance, I’d rather not accept this post. Bukan tak sayang Diam0nd tapi mmg tak boleh arr.. I could never be better than dod0e or Azm!r… And at right this moment, I really feel awful..
You know why? Because Sh@t berjaya buat Diam0nd juniors bersemangat gile babeng. Sikit2 nampak aku ckp ‘Go Diam0nd’ *Apakah??!!* And why sh@t berjaye buat diorang semangat? Sebab sh@t is my sports exco in the house committee and the interhouse games have just started so she wanted the juniors to take part and bersemangat for the house. Now, that’s more than good and I’m proud of her for making the juniors hyper-excited. The problem is, I can’t do like what she did. I don’t have the ability to naikkan semgt diorang. What I’m afraid now is that, the momentum would fall drastically once I’ve in charged of other events. And the upcoming event is the IAW and I myself feel doubt over my ability to drive their excitement forward. Memang rase mcm…. Aaaarrgghh tertekan!!!! Haaa lebih kurang mcm tu ah. Haih.. kdg2 rase nyesal gak tapi ntah arr.. But whatever it is, I know my committee will always support ar!ff [the male housecapt.] and me. They have been more than just friends and I’m very thankful for having them besides. It’s just me who lacks of confidence. That’s all…
I don’t know… Lately, I can feel myself changing. And if I may admit, nothing can really describe how much I miss the seniors especially him :( Wherever I go, always see his being around. Bukan hantu laa but you know, keep on imagining his presence. It’s really terrible to feel such feeling you know. But I think I’m doing better than what I expected. It’s just the acceptance that I need to grip upon and it’s very hard. What I hope for now is, I could live my life as happily as I can. And live a free-tension life!!!!!!!
I miss home… and him too :(
Nonetheless, when I stepped my feet on that school, I started to redevelop the wish that had been kept inside for quite a while. I felt the spirit being built up bit by bit. So when the nomination day for the new row of BWPs came up, I stepped forward and proposed myself as one of the candidates. I knew that the chances for me to win the election were very slim but I did not give up and kept on working hard on it and put my very best effort on it. But was it not my vocation, I lost the election. Because of having a trust in myself, I wasn’t that frustrated. I was elected to be one of the LDPs after all. And to be honest, I was the worse LDP if I must say. Hehe.. I let people go whenever there was a spotcheck or whatever. I didn’t really do the hostel checking every morning. I didn’t get involved in decision-making. I let other LDPs did almost every single thing. I was the bystander je la if that what people call. In short, I was only qualified to be the follower, not the leader.
Since my first sem in school, I had always wanted to get myself a 4 flat results. Being in a competitive environment, I had this feeling of wanting to exceed everyone [Well, who doesn’t?]. My best friend [ehem!! Heh..] always got 4 flat through out the 4 sems, why could I not? And then, time passed by. When the trial SPM was around the corner, I struggled all-out and strove like hell, just to get straight A’s because at that moment, I had this thought that trial was more important than the real one so that I could get scholarship earlier before my real SPM results came out. So I did get straight A’s for my trial. Unfortunately, the only scholarship offered using my trial results at that time was only MARA-Russia and MARA-UTP which were not even in my list [I’ve been wanting to study in UK since I was a kid]. I tried applying for Petr0nas but I didn’t get it as well.
I was a tad disappointed, but I accepted it as a positive way though. I looked my trial results as my spirit-lifter and deep down inside, I started to believe that it was not the end of the world. I started to have a hope that for the last sem in MR$M L@ngkawi, I could get 4 flat at least once. And towards the end of the year, ada jugak laa teringin nak dapat award for the Graduation Day. But having a better plan for me, Allah did not materialize my wish. I got 78 for my chemistry [the A band was 80], which was the deterrent to my dream and I wasn’t invested with any award. I didn’t see my chem. teacher and begging for another mark just to make it an A but I somehow satisfied and was grateful for whatever result I got. And Alhamdulillah, I got the best for my real SPM results. It was then I started to believe that He is the only decider no matter how far I went, how strong I was, how tough my stand was, He always has a better plan for me.
After I got the results, Mum and I started haunting the scholarships. And since I’m pursuing medicine, the only scholarship available was MARA. Being confined at home for seven months was quite killing me in a way. While some of my good friends were happy for getting their scholarships and couldn’t wait to fly off last February, I somehow felt disappointed for myself. Kadang2 rasa mcm penat and give up jugak la because then, there was no black and white on who’s gona sponsoring me. Dah la memang tak confident dengan interview MARA yang mcm siot, mmg rase mcm takde mase depan ah. The last resort like what Dad suggested was kahwin [Hahaha..Of course he had got to be joking]. As what the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining. I finally got the scholarship and thank Allah [can’t stop myself from doing that], I was offered to go to KYU3M [of which I’m tired of bragging about. Hehh..]. And again, I knew whichever place I was thrown to; He has always decided the best for me.
Then, my life started to change. Being a KYU3Mian is not a simple thing to do. Living in a competitive environment, everyone is participating in the game. You can even feel the rivalry spirit within your best friend. You can never run away from it. And believe it or not, it is VERRRRY STRESSFUL. Imagine the thoughts of ‘I must win the game’ in each and every one’s mind; that is how the ambience I must live with in this 2-year life here. Here, I keep on having the thought of being a follower. I never came out to share my experience during the induction week [while others were running for the microphone]. I never had the guts to speak in front of a crowd. I never had the wills to argue with people. I never had the mettle to step forward. I was always being the onlooker and accept whatever people said. Until one day, someone came to me and said “Dina, I want you to run for the Student C0uncil”, and I was like “No way, man! That is the last thing I want to do..”. You know why? Because I’m an ego kind of person. I don’t want to lose the election again like what I had faced in Langkawi years ago. I don’t want to waste my time for something that is not meant for me.
But somehow or another, these people had made me believe that I could be one of the SCs. I don’t know how they made it but eventually, I agreed to run the Sports Exc0 for the Student C0uncil. So yea, there I was, standing in the crowd, giving out my worse manifesto ever. If I had the power of erasing all those bad moments off from my head, I would include that night. Horror gileee…So as a result, again, I lost. Luckily I wasn’t hoping that high so I was not that frustrated. After a while, I think I should be grateful for not winning the election because I know I could not do as great as what the SCs did. They are really meant for the posts.
Few weeks after the election day, Diam0nd ada buat election for house committee pulak. Before that, we had a shadow committee. Kire mcm future housecaptain sume laa. Time tu dod0e, azm!r and the gang belum step down lagi. I wasn’t in the shadow committee so I was not even hoping for any post in the house committee. Seriously, after I lost the election day, I had never seen myself as an important person in this college. What I hoped then was only to study hard and struggle for my studies. But much to my surprise, I was elected as the housecaptain. Serious tak sangka and I know being a housecapt means putting myself in jeopardy as I need to sacrifice A LOOOTTT especially my studies and my own leisure time for Diam0nd.
At first, I was quite proud of myself for finally getting a chance to be a leader, a dream that I had always wanted since in Langkawi but as time went by, I realized that the task was (or maybe even ‘is’) really not meant for me. I seriously don’t have the capability as a leader. I’m not like dod0e. She was a very great housecapt. Her unique way really inspired us. I always tried being like dod0e but it just didn’t work. I could never be someone else. I’ve never scolded people [not that dod0e always scolded us], people have never seen me in my ‘garang’ mode and I always accept whatever decision people make without having any guts to point out my own decision [sometimes laa..not always] and kadang2 terase jugak laa yang some of these people mcm somewhat pijak kepale jugak ar tapi aku serious tak geti nak marah orang. I’ve once had this thought of giving up my post but my other house committee did not allow me but seriously, if I were given another chance, I’d rather not accept this post. Bukan tak sayang Diam0nd tapi mmg tak boleh arr.. I could never be better than dod0e or Azm!r… And at right this moment, I really feel awful..
You know why? Because Sh@t berjaya buat Diam0nd juniors bersemangat gile babeng. Sikit2 nampak aku ckp ‘Go Diam0nd’ *Apakah??!!* And why sh@t berjaye buat diorang semangat? Sebab sh@t is my sports exco in the house committee and the interhouse games have just started so she wanted the juniors to take part and bersemangat for the house. Now, that’s more than good and I’m proud of her for making the juniors hyper-excited. The problem is, I can’t do like what she did. I don’t have the ability to naikkan semgt diorang. What I’m afraid now is that, the momentum would fall drastically once I’ve in charged of other events. And the upcoming event is the IAW and I myself feel doubt over my ability to drive their excitement forward. Memang rase mcm…. Aaaarrgghh tertekan!!!! Haaa lebih kurang mcm tu ah. Haih.. kdg2 rase nyesal gak tapi ntah arr.. But whatever it is, I know my committee will always support ar!ff [the male housecapt.] and me. They have been more than just friends and I’m very thankful for having them besides. It’s just me who lacks of confidence. That’s all…
I don’t know… Lately, I can feel myself changing. And if I may admit, nothing can really describe how much I miss the seniors especially him :( Wherever I go, always see his being around. Bukan hantu laa but you know, keep on imagining his presence. It’s really terrible to feel such feeling you know. But I think I’m doing better than what I expected. It’s just the acceptance that I need to grip upon and it’s very hard. What I hope for now is, I could live my life as happily as I can. And live a free-tension life!!!!!!!
I miss home… and him too :(
Follow your heartLet your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe I believe I believe in you
Follow your dreams
Be yourself an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do
I believe I believe I believe in you
Back to a place you once knew
I believe I believe I believe in you
Follow your dreams
Be yourself an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do
I believe I believe I believe in you
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