It’s hard to pretend that everything is ok when it’s actually not. Sometimes, I’d rather act as if I’m living a wonderful life than manifesting my despair, especially to my parents. I hate to let them down and I hate to think of hurting them in any way. But sometimes, I could not help myself from crying when I hoped them to know how I was doing with my life but I didn’t have the guts to tell them how bad my condition was. I really don’t want them to get worried about me especially over silly things. Well, like now, it’s not a silly thing; it’s a BIG BIG thing but I still know I could get on with this by myself, although the confidence doesn’t really stand out, at least I’m trying to stand on my own two feet. That’s why, overtime, they always have this high expectation on me because they always know I could deal and handle things well by my own. Deep down, I know it’s hard to be expected that way but I try to be sanguine though [although being optimistic is not as easy most of the times..]
The headmaster and the counselor met us, the medics students just now. They informed us about the number of students applying to every univ in the UK so that we could have a second thought whether or not we’re satisfied with our final decision. They usually had this survey in order to balance things out so that there would be no oversubscription to any particular univ but since my batch doesn’t consist of too many students like what they had last year [my senior], so they just gave us some idea on how things would come up in the near future. Apparently, Leeds and Notts are quite famous and have relatively high applicants. So do some other univs. So, I’m still contemplating to change my choices to other univs. I know it doesn’t make any difference at the end of the day because the number of applicants would definitely be a big figure [budak KMB and taylors and sunway sume.. memang ramai la definitely..] but I just want to be on the safe side. I’m not sure how safe the safety net is but I’m trying to decide as best as I can. But I really don’t know. It’s not like deciding for a small matter you see. It’s about my future which admittedly no black-and-whites.
Some of us suggested applying to Ireland or Aussie or NZ but that’s the second matter. Studying in UK has been my ultimate dream so, I’d definitely go all-out on this. But it’s hard. It really is. In addition to that, most of the univs require UKC@T which I sucked bigtime [my result was horrible beb..] so, that adds up to my thought of changing Leeds and Notts since they’re suspected to be quite depending on that stupid test. I don’t know how these crazy people would rely on that piece of crap as one of the aspects to be evaluated because it is sooooo not reliable. I was the second student in my college to do the test and apparently, those who did the test earlier didn’t get satisfying results and that is soo sick. But it’s ok. I try not to be too resentful over this thing because it was all over anyhow and nothing much I could do except for praying hard so, I just hope the admission tutor won’t be too obsessed with that stupid test.
One thing that really put me off was when my headmaster mentioned about rejection. It seems that rejection is not something unusual and to be rejected straight away is not impossible. I know he didn’t mean to dishearten or discourage whatsoever and it’s true beyond doubt but you know, the thought of being rejected could be haunting you day and night just to put you in a miserable life. I know it’s all about rezeki and all but you can’t run away from being devastated after rejection by rejection hitting on your face, can you. That’s certainly killing you man. It’s like the end of the world. Life stops there and nothing else could make you alive again. I don’t want to think about it and try not to but it’s not unusual and anything could just happen in a blink of an eye. At times you feel positive and still be but suddenly ZAAAP! you’re deeply saddened at the other when rebuff kicks in. Ntahlaa… I’ve been unhappy these few days. Maybe because the next cycle is about to start off [hormonal imbalance that is. Nothing much I could help on that. Heh..] or maybe because I’m at a worrying stage of homesickness [heh..] or maybe because it’s Ramadhan and I have loads of sins to be regretful over.
I’m just hopeless…
The headmaster and the counselor met us, the medics students just now. They informed us about the number of students applying to every univ in the UK so that we could have a second thought whether or not we’re satisfied with our final decision. They usually had this survey in order to balance things out so that there would be no oversubscription to any particular univ but since my batch doesn’t consist of too many students like what they had last year [my senior], so they just gave us some idea on how things would come up in the near future. Apparently, Leeds and Notts are quite famous and have relatively high applicants. So do some other univs. So, I’m still contemplating to change my choices to other univs. I know it doesn’t make any difference at the end of the day because the number of applicants would definitely be a big figure [budak KMB and taylors and sunway sume.. memang ramai la definitely..] but I just want to be on the safe side. I’m not sure how safe the safety net is but I’m trying to decide as best as I can. But I really don’t know. It’s not like deciding for a small matter you see. It’s about my future which admittedly no black-and-whites.
Some of us suggested applying to Ireland or Aussie or NZ but that’s the second matter. Studying in UK has been my ultimate dream so, I’d definitely go all-out on this. But it’s hard. It really is. In addition to that, most of the univs require UKC@T which I sucked bigtime [my result was horrible beb..] so, that adds up to my thought of changing Leeds and Notts since they’re suspected to be quite depending on that stupid test. I don’t know how these crazy people would rely on that piece of crap as one of the aspects to be evaluated because it is sooooo not reliable. I was the second student in my college to do the test and apparently, those who did the test earlier didn’t get satisfying results and that is soo sick. But it’s ok. I try not to be too resentful over this thing because it was all over anyhow and nothing much I could do except for praying hard so, I just hope the admission tutor won’t be too obsessed with that stupid test.
One thing that really put me off was when my headmaster mentioned about rejection. It seems that rejection is not something unusual and to be rejected straight away is not impossible. I know he didn’t mean to dishearten or discourage whatsoever and it’s true beyond doubt but you know, the thought of being rejected could be haunting you day and night just to put you in a miserable life. I know it’s all about rezeki and all but you can’t run away from being devastated after rejection by rejection hitting on your face, can you. That’s certainly killing you man. It’s like the end of the world. Life stops there and nothing else could make you alive again. I don’t want to think about it and try not to but it’s not unusual and anything could just happen in a blink of an eye. At times you feel positive and still be but suddenly ZAAAP! you’re deeply saddened at the other when rebuff kicks in. Ntahlaa… I’ve been unhappy these few days. Maybe because the next cycle is about to start off [hormonal imbalance that is. Nothing much I could help on that. Heh..] or maybe because I’m at a worrying stage of homesickness [heh..] or maybe because it’s Ramadhan and I have loads of sins to be regretful over.
I’m just hopeless…
"..and put your trust in Allah if you are believers indeed.." -Al-Maidah, 23
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