The Phatos of Falling For Someone You Could Never Be With

It all started very strangely. How I met him, how I knew him, it was all because of my beliefs in fate. This guy, he has always been a burden to my mind. Sometimes, I see him as the biggest ‘ujian’ Allah has given to me. A sense of regret of knowing him surfaces every now and then but come to think of it, he had made a vast difference in my history of life.

It was him who taught me to be more ‘grown-up’ than I was before. It was him who had shaped me into someone I’ve never thought of being. It was him who moulded me into someone who is brave enough to pretend and lie to herself. It was him who made me believe in the concept of ‘love’.

After two semesters I lived in the bane of being uncertain, I thought it was time to set the wheels on motion when he’s gone to the furthest place I’d never want to know. But little I know how Allah has the control over everything. The guy is actually very near-at-hand which is the most startling situation I have never thought of. And I just hate to know that I somehow have not gotten rid of him entirely yet, like what I should have done a little bit earlier. I keep on hearing his name being said and I keep on seeing him in my mind. AND I REALLY HATE THAT.

I have had enough. I know I’m sick but what else can I do? It was all planned at God’s whim and I by no means would ever resent it because I know His plans are always the best no matter what. But I really want things to be over. I want to get out of the way and let other people replace my role and let them feel how suffering it was to be in that position.

I just need to see him as a complete stranger, then I won’t be feeling it again like what I had undergone before. Perhaps I’m just making things more complicated or maybe I’m overreacting or maybe I’m just too ego to accept everything. Or perhaps it’s just plain simple that I make a big deal of it. Or maybe.. It’s just ME WHO ARE MAD AND UNWISE <-- I think this is more likely. Ha ha ha..

I don’t care where I’m standing on right now.. I just don’t know him anymore. Even though deep down inside, I know that I will NEVER FORGET HIM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.. *yakin je*