I’ve been feeling this edgy aura between this one fella and me in these few weeks. After going through three semesters as a friend, as a collegemate, I decided to stop pretending and free myself from the farce. But at the same time, I didn’t want to hurt this fella’s feeling so I did everything surreptitiously in hoping that this fella wouldn’t realize. But so wrong I was, my instincts told me that this fella actually felt the same thing and that really let me down because I sincerely didn’t want to bring up the apprehension. And today, this fella finally proved my instincts right.
“All this while, I’ve been pretending to enjoy the moments we spent together as friends. It was all just a charade because I didn’t be myself when I’m with you. I’ve never seen myself as a buddy to you because I couldn’t and that is because you are my strongest rival in EACH AND EVERY SINGLE THING. You made me suffer from inferiority and that what made me lost to my ego. I didn’t see myself happy and fun because all I had in mind was how to be someone better than you or at least as great as you. But everything was in vain. I could never be someone like you because I am who I am. To me, the ambience around us was full with seriousness and not sincerity. It was not you that cause all these fakeness but it was ME. It was just me and myself. As I don’t like somebody to force me to change myself and being someone who I am not, so do I hate to change people for me because I think that is ridiculous. I feel guilty to you and also to myself and I’ve been trying so hard to correct my weaknesses and accept whatever comes along but I the ‘chemistry’ is still out of my sight. But don’t get me wrong; you have been a very great friend one could ever asked for and it was just me who am appalling and I am really a bad friend. I’m so sorry to let you down but please know that it was not my intention to hurt you in any way.”
Much to my disappointment, I didn’t tell this fella the truth because I didn’t have the guts to make this fella disheartened. Every thought was only in my mind and I didn’t feel glad to speak everything out. Call me coward, backstabber or whatever; I did everything with my own personal reasons.
“All this while, I’ve been pretending to enjoy the moments we spent together as friends. It was all just a charade because I didn’t be myself when I’m with you. I’ve never seen myself as a buddy to you because I couldn’t and that is because you are my strongest rival in EACH AND EVERY SINGLE THING. You made me suffer from inferiority and that what made me lost to my ego. I didn’t see myself happy and fun because all I had in mind was how to be someone better than you or at least as great as you. But everything was in vain. I could never be someone like you because I am who I am. To me, the ambience around us was full with seriousness and not sincerity. It was not you that cause all these fakeness but it was ME. It was just me and myself. As I don’t like somebody to force me to change myself and being someone who I am not, so do I hate to change people for me because I think that is ridiculous. I feel guilty to you and also to myself and I’ve been trying so hard to correct my weaknesses and accept whatever comes along but I the ‘chemistry’ is still out of my sight. But don’t get me wrong; you have been a very great friend one could ever asked for and it was just me who am appalling and I am really a bad friend. I’m so sorry to let you down but please know that it was not my intention to hurt you in any way.”
Much to my disappointment, I didn’t tell this fella the truth because I didn’t have the guts to make this fella disheartened. Every thought was only in my mind and I didn’t feel glad to speak everything out. Call me coward, backstabber or whatever; I did everything with my own personal reasons.
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