When it comes to the surface

Interviewer: You have written on your UC@S application that you are interested in how the human body works. Which system particularly interests you?
Interviewee: Um, the brain.
Interviewer: Tell us how the brain works.
Interviewee: Um, oh dear. I’m very sorry, I’ve forgotten.
Interviewer: (with pleasure as they spring the trap) Well, that’s a real pity because there are only two people in the world who know how the brain works. One is God and he won’t tell us and the other is you and you’ve forgotten. (Laughs all around at the interviewee’s expense.)

ME: (OUCH!! But..) Hahahaha.. *LOL* *ROTFL*

Before I start on anything, I just want to let myself know that I’ve already found the reasons behind the scene. Now I know the rationale beyond everything and I’m working my ass off to keep the momentum moving on the right pace. Thanx a lot, Abg Amir :)

Well, I’ve been thinking to write about this dari hari tu lagi but knowing that it’s not a good thing to discuss especially for me who am currently undergoing processes to get a place in a medical school, I keep the thought stay still idly in the brain. But yesterday, I stumbled upon one interesting entry. Actually the blogger is someone I’m closed to so it has made quite an impact on me. The blogger basically thought, much to her regret, that choosing medicine, as a career was somewhat a mistake. Well, believe it or not, a crazy thought on that actually had struck me just recently. I’m not saying that “Daym! I make a wrong decision!”. No, not at all!!! I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR! But you know, your mind can somehow goes nuts once in a blue moon especially when you have emotional imbalance and feel depress about silly things, like this.

I don’t want to have such feelings really but to be honest, I’ve seen and heard of it so many times that sometimes, it really puts me in contemplation! Being a doctor has ALWAYS and ALWAYS been my dream since I was a kid even though I had no idea how it’s going to be. Everything started with Mum. She wanted to be a doctor but she didn’t get the opportunity to be one at that time so she was hoping so much that all her kids would become a doctor one day. But with some unknown reasons, out of her seven kids, only Along Ima, Lupi and me inherit the trait from Mum. Heh..

And then, along the way, I heard lots of interesting stories from Along Ima. She did her A-level in Oxford right after she retrieved her spm results and furthered her studies in King’s for another 5 years. She has always been my idol and I always wanted to be like her. Everything about being a doctor seemed to be great and I just couldn’t wait to be one. But then, the excitement started to abate when she did her housemanship in the UH. The good things all turned into nightmares. Well, ade la some incidents [like when she wanted to appeal for Hosp. Serdang, the govt buat kerje cam *toot* and menyakitkan hati] that made her cry and you know, in a way made her feel remorseful. Everything happened right in front of my eyes but yet again, I still want to keep on with my ambition and thank Allah, I’m just on the right track now.

And now, the same thing happened to the blogger and she thought that being something else is much stress-releasing than being a doctor. Well, I’m not quite convinced with that because I believe all professional jobs are just as nerve-racking but in a way what she said is true. The blogger is so lucky to have an understanding husband who knows how a doctor has to be in duty almost every hour and day. Talking about having a family, it’s not easy for a female doctor to get everything through because she needs to look after tones of things at home, especially if she has small kids. And if she’s unlucky enough to get married to someone who doesn’t have a slightest idea on how a doctor and a mother has to be, she’ll die an unusual death because of the constant pressure and traumatic difficulties [eg: nak carik maid, nak make sure her babies are well-fed, dengan frequent call from the hospital lagi, and kalo duk jauh from the hosp nak kene berhadapan dengan traffic jam lagi and the list goes on]. I’ve seen so many examples of living a life as a doctor and potential predicaments alongside but never they have made me feel regret for being on the line.

The thing is, I have other dreams to achieve, not only being a doctor. I want to have a nice family, I want to have a good place to work in, a proper house for my kids, **[a cool digital single-lens reflex camera to snap photos of my kids. Hehehe..], not only helping and curing endless casuals in the hospitals. My intention to help the unfortunate people is sorely noble and I’ll devote everything for it because that is want I’ve been dreaming of and I’ll do it ‘Lillahi Ta’alaa’. BUT SOMETIMES.. Just at times, when I look around and see at my other counterparts in this college, I wonder if I’ve got what it takes to be a really GOOD doctor. I mean, they are great people and just the right ones to be a good doctor. Some of them are ambitious enough to join the MERCY stuff and all. It’s good to have such dreams but like what the blogger said to me the other day “Dulu time tengah belajar memang la semangat nak join Mercy la, nak pegi africa tolong orang2 kat sane la. Tapi.. Haha.. Housemanship pun rase cam dah nak mati dah. Hahah..”. I’m not quite like them. I don’t really read New Scientist, Student BMJ and that kind of things. And according to some people, if you don’t read those types of materials, you actually don’t really have the interest in medicine. To me that is an unfair statement to make but yea, some people do believe in that. I’d rather waste my time on photography stuff than medical stuff sampai kadang2 rase “Jadik photographer pun best gak pe. Bleh travel all around the world and dapat duit banyak jugak pe..” and that sort of thinking. Ntahlaa.. Maybe I’m too stressful dengan my other rivals kat kolej kot sampai rase macam “Wah tensyen nye saye!! Adekah saye ingin menjadi seperti mereka?”. Or maybe.. it’s just me yang over reacting. Haha.. Or maybe sebab budak course lain dah dapat conditional offer from UCL la, from IC la, from Birm la and that in a way stresses me out. Huhu.. But don’t get me wrong. This competitive environment is actually good for me to develop myself. So, bersyukur jugak la to be here.

But aaaanyyywaayy.. Every cloud has a silver lining. Mum always says, “Biasa laa nak jadik doctor memang la teruk. Belajar teruk, housemanship teruk. Tapi lepas2 tu, ok la..” and yep, she’s right. My auntie now is an anesthetist and kerja dia sangat best. And what makes things better is her husband is a doctor jugak. Huhu.. But that doesn’t matter la. My other uncle pun dah berjaya dengan gempaknye [and kebetulan, isteri die doctor jugak. Haih..] and encik ray [Along Ima’s friend in King’s] dah jadik specialist jugak. And his wife is not a doctor. Huhu.. And Dr. Kas and his wife, Dr. Hani siap buat business satey kat Manchester lagi. Haha.. You know what, sometimes, what makes it worse or not is the environment. Like encik ray, he did his masters and all the MRCPs in the UK and apparently, the housemanship in the UK are not as stressful as that in Malaysia. But we don’t know what’s waiting ahead kan so all I can do is just plan, pray hard and get my finger out!! And the good part of all, Along Ima is now doing fine in Hosp Serdang and she’s in her way pursuing her masters in ENT. Hey, it’s not that bad laa actually ;P And I want to be like izy and Dr. m@x too :)

I think I’m just a little bit demotivated. That’s all. And that’s normal. So what I really need to do now is ‘berehat’. Hehe.. No la, I need to study econs. Aduhaiiiii.. And I need to talk to Mum. I miss home *sob2*

The bottom line is: Whatever you do in life, whoever you end up as at the end of the day, whichever job you choose, do it kerana Allah Taala. And He indeed knows what is best for us. And always look things on the positive side :)

**I came across her site and I was AMAZED!! I was gaping in awe when I fell upon this pic. And I thought “Wow.. Sarah is a real pro!”. And the kids = GORGEOUS! Anid said, “Dina.. aku akan respect ko kalo ko jadik cam die”. Well, I hope I can be like her one day. Hah, what a wishful thinking =)